LOS ANGELES — A late-night quest for the munchies turned tragic after a violent Doritos Locosplosion ripped through a Taco Bell causing nine dudes to live no más, bummed-out sources confirmed.
“The Taco Bell forensic team is still piecing together the scene, but it appears that a flame ignited a Doritos Locos powder barrel in the kitchen, sending a hellacious amount of hard taco shell-shrapnel into the dining room,” said Taco Bell spokesperson Dante Brooks, lowering the bell outside to half-mast. “It was like a nacho cheese claymore went off, causing mondo mutilation and bodacious bodily harm. We’re just grateful that this tragic accident occurred while the restaurant was empty during the dinner lull—if that Locosplosion had gone off during the 2 a.m. munchies rush, hundreds of dudes in dope-ass Jeeps could have been killed.”
A survivor of the Doritos Locosplosion reportedly survived the incident because he was ‘in the shitter making his own bean burrito’ during the Diablo blaze.
“Normally the Taco Bell bathroom is the last place you’d wanna be, but I’m counting my lucky churros that I was blowing up el baño or it’d be a closed casket supreme for me, too,” said Skyler Morrison, recalling the accident. “As soon as I heard the blast I ran out of the bathroom and slipped on what looked like a pool of fire sauce on the ground. Then I saw this poor dude that got his guts turned to ground beef and I realized that it wasn’t fire sauce at all. That was not muy bien man, not muy bien at all.”
A Taco Bell spokesperson later addressed the media, giving a speech urging the community to come together in light of the tragedy.
“The fabric of our community was torn apart tonight, much like the flesh of that guy that got showered in molten refried beans. But just as the bean and cheese layer holds the cheesy gordita crunch together, we need to unite as a community and honor these nine dudes’ memories by living even más-er,” said Taco Bell communications director Ricky Kline, pinning a teal memorial ribbon to his shirt. “That’s why from this day forward, I urge everyone to always seize the gordita, grab the nachos by the chips, and drink deep from the cup of Baja Blast, because you never know when that sweet sip of nectar might be your last. Vaya con jalapeños, mis amigos.”
Taco Bell CEO Sean Tresvant later released a statement saying this was among the top three biggest Baja bummers in the fast food giant’s storied history, after the tragic “Combination Taco Bell-KFC Fry Grease Bell Grande Incident” and the “1996 Chili Con Chaos Riots.”