Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Jackpot: Friend With Car Going Sober

Posted on May 23, 2021 by Billy Patterson

PHILADELPHIA – Local friend and owner of a comfortable and reliable five-seat sedan, Victor Schnellenberger, is planning to quit drinking alcohol and begin a long journey of inward healing, according to overjoyed, tipsy sources with low Uber ratings.

“This is the best news I’ve gotten all year,” said Kim Tanaka, a longtime friend of Schnellenberger. “Vic’s been a real mess since his divorce and things got pretty crazy for a while, but with him going sober, now we won’t have to worry about forty-dollar Lyfts or midnight bus rides ever again. We probably won’t even have to pay for gas money, since he’ll be so desperate to be included in our outings. It sucks that he’ll be a lot less fun, but trading all my drinking buddies for one designated driver is just the kind of sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

Schnellenberger said he was surprised by the overwhelmingly positive response upon announcing his sobriety to his friend group.

“I was worried at first how they would take it, but they could not have been more supportive. There was a lot of hugging and cheering, some crying, and a couple people even starting making out. They must have been really overwhelmed, emotionally,” he recalled. “Friends I haven’t spoken to in years are even reaching out to me and saying we should hang out again. Everyone seems to be so on board with my sobriety. People are pointing out benefits that I hadn’t even thought of, like how I’ll save so much money on alcohol that I could probably afford an SUV.”

According to substance abuse counselor Carl Hayes, car owners like Schnellenberger often receive a very high level of support for their decisions to go sober.

“When someone wants to give up alcohol, the first piece of advice I give them is to buy a car,” said Hayes. “Keeping a routine is crucial in establishing new habits, so keeping your ringer on around last call will definitely help with that, especially Thursdays through Saturdays. If you can’t get drunk with your friends or chauffeur them around from bar to bar, you’ll lose a lot of your social utility, and unless your friends need someone to help them move, you won’t be getting many invites.”

At press time, Schnellenberger’s acquaintances were devastated to learn that their friend who owned a hot tub was also planning to quit drinking.

Dammit, My Kink Got Mainstreamed Again

Posted on May 23, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

Yet again, my highly specific sexual fetish has somehow become part of the zeitgeist. This is exactly the opposite of what a kink is supposed to be about! Why does this keep happening to me?!

The first time this happened, the year was 1994. I was merely a fresh-faced foot fetishist and I thought sucking on these little piggies was gonna be my kink forever. I was, like, really into toes. For real. I spent hours clipping feet out of People magazine, hoping that my next date would be open-minded. And when they weren’t, offering foot rubs to passersby on my shameful, sexy walk home.

Then Pulp Fiction came out. All of a sudden, every Tom, Dick, and Quentin had tootsie fever. Sure, I liked seeing Uma Thurman’s feet but knowing that everyone else did too made it seemed less special. Way less kinky. By the time Joss Whedon’s “Firefly” came around, feet did nothing for me anymore.

It happened again and again. I got really into latex, spending a fortune on baby powder to squeeze into highly erotic, yet completely non-breathable rubber fabric. Boom, The Matrix is released and now I feel less like “the one” and more like “the one selling used latex on Craigslist.”

Speaking of used underwear, next I got into used underwear. But then, oh hey OnlyFans, way to make my kink so accessible that it might as well be a Maxim magazine in a supermarket. Out of desperation, I even took a stab at being into people slowly, methodically, and sensually sitting on a sheet cake decorated for my birthday and smushing it into crumbs. And what happens? Some Tumblr thread goes viral and now I can’t even order a cake without getting side-eyed by some nosy baker.

Mainstream culture always tries to popularize the unique. Everything is catered to Mister and Missus Missionary Position, yet it never satisfies them. Every porno, erotic book, and piece of bathroom graffiti is geared to get them off, while it takes something dirty, forbidden, and most importantly obscure. It’s like appropriating kinks is the mainstream’s kink. Fuck. That’s hot.

Okay, fuck it. This time, I’m going to get into something so weird, specific, and potentially difficult to achieve that it has no chance of ever getting into the mainstream. It’s going to be so off-putting to the uninitiated that it might consume my life, sexuality, and friendships. If it ends up alienating everyone around me and becoming my defining feature, so be it.

I don’t know what it’s going to be yet, but I promise you this: it’s going to be hot. And probably involve bees.

Emo Singer Begs Girlfriend to Dump Him Over Voicemail so He Can Use Message as Sample

Posted on May 23, 2021 by Heather Cook

TAMPA, Fla. – Local emo singer Dacian Miron was seen in a Chipotle parking lot pathetically begging his girlfriend to dump him over voicemail so he could use the message as a sample on his band’s next release, appalled sources confirmed.

“I ghosted her for a whole week and told her she has weird boobs, but she still wanted to dump me in person because she thought that was the ‘noble’ thing to do,” said Miron. “How am I ever going to be in a league of legends with the likes of Modern Baseball and Algernon Cadwallader if I can’t get anyone to leave me a scorched-earth voicemail? There’s just no chance my album’s instrumental intro will have the same sad effect without a fiery sample of a scorned ex calling me a ‘piece of dog shit’ or something. I don’t want to put words in her mouth.”

Desiree Berman, the now ex-girlfriend of Miron, reportedly could not be fooled by his dismal efforts to obtain a convincing voicemail sample.

“I knew exactly what he was trying to do, and there was no way I was going to give him that satisfaction,” said Berman. “He was literally on his hands and knees begging me to read the break-up script he wrote. He even offered to pay my phone bill for a month and give me back all the makeup he stole from me over the last four months if I just went through with it, but any faux sad boy that still listens to Sleeping With Sirens isn’t getting a peep out of me.”

According to Dr. Marques Stanford, an expert in emotional audio mechanics at Columbia University, this kind of behavior is not rare amongst desperate emo locals.

“Dacian’s behavior in attempting to get a voicemail sample is actually quite mild compared to what other emo bands have done,” said Stanford. “Brian Sella of The Front Bottoms used a CIA-level voice changing device to make himself sound like a woman dumping him over voicemail for their song ‘Hooped Earrings.’ And it’s well known that Conor Oberst eventually bugged the houses of each one of his ex lovers hoping to get a recording of them saying something mean about him.”

When asked how he could still create an authentic sample for his album, Miron shared his plans to shoot a feature length film in order to obtain the quintessential movie quote sample.

How Roger Rabbit Set the Unrealistic Expectation I’d Score Bodacious Babes During My Bow Tie Phase

Posted on May 22, 2021 by Heather Cook

How could a floppy-eared simp like Roger Rabbit ever score a babe as iconic and sexy as Jessica Rabbit? This question has haunted me since I was a child, which is why I’ve spent years studying “Who Framed Roger Rabbit,” analyzing every move of that ridiculous cartoon rodent in hopes that I could one day win a gorgeous, buxom, smoky-voiced gal myself. I foolishly thought it all boiled down to one legendary accessory: bow ties.

Roger Rabbit made me unrealistically believe that his bona fide swag is what made him a drop-dead daddy to all the ladies. He’s basically the OG hipster! Polka dot bow tie? Overalls? Can’t hold his liquor? He’s like Joseph Gordon-Levitt if Joseph Gordon-Levitt was three feet tall and covered in pixelated bunny fur. I figured if Roger Rabbit, Bill Nye, and Peewee Herman could look deliciously hot while wearing a bow tie, then so would I, right?

Wrong.

I went to a burlesque wearing nothing but overalls without a shirt on underneath and an enormous bow tie in hopes that I’d appeal to an attractive lounge singer just like Jessica Rabbit. Big mistake. Everyone there kept telling me I look like a prepubescent Charlie Chaplin!
So, Roger Rabbit is the hero of Toontown when he wears a bow tie, but I get called a Brooklyn tryhard? What gives?

Since my bold style choice didn’t seem to be working, I went back to the drawing board. What else made Roger Rabbit such a heartthrob to his wife? He could always make her laugh!
Thus began my quest to try stand-up comedy.

I attempted Roger Rabbit’s signature physical comedy style by tripping over myself while doing vaudeville juggling. That sexy shit would have had me crushing tons of butt in the 1940s, but it turns out modern women don’t like it when you take a sip of alcohol then do a spit take in their face.

Maybe I’ve been doing it all wrong and need to be studying one of the cooler, edgier men in the film, like detective Eddie Valiant. Because if women aren’t into stand-up comedians, then they’ll definitely be into a bad boy in a fedora.

Friend’s House Smells Weird

Posted on May 22, 2021 by Mark Turner

MEDFORD, Ore. — A sleepover between longtime friends Billy Potter and Sam Cortland turned sour after the former discovered his best friend’s house smells weird, sources confirmed.

“I noticed it as soon as I walked in the door. It’s like the school cafeteria, mixed with old books and just a hint of cat litter,” said a perplexed Potter while violently sniffing the air. “No, that’s not it. It’s like the mall food court, but if it was inside a hamster cage. It’s at once familiar and alien; like I’ve stepped through a dimensional portal into a world exactly like mine, but that smells like a carpet store dipped in cheese.”

Cortland, however, vehemently denied his house had an unusual aroma.

“This is absolutely ridiculous. My house literally smells like nothing. Its smell is the absence of smell,” said a frustrated Cortland, casually lighting a cinnamon apple Yankee Candle. “If anything, it’s his house that smells weird. I’ve seen his locker and believe me, if his room is anything like that, I bet his whole house smells like a gym bag.”

Olfactory sociologist Frank Tarkington noted that what the boys are experiencing is actually an explainable phenomenon.

“I’ve specialized in urban and suburban smellscapes for the last 20 years, and you’d never believe how common this is. Our bodies produce a unique pheromonal marker that was designed evolutionarily to prevent other cavemen from entering our caves,” said a 100% serious Tarkington. “Historically, the ‘keep out’ smell, as I call it, develops into something usually resembling a library in a swamp, or like a furniture store where someone cooked fish in the break room. It’s all completely natural.”

“You know what? I’m actually noticing it less and less,” Potter added later, not wanting to let the unusual odor ruin an action-packed night of video games. “I don’t know if it’s the pizza rolls cooking in the kitchen, or Sam’s Axe Body Spray neutralizing it, but maybe I was just imagining things.”

At press time, while dropping Potter off at his home, Cortland noted that in fact it was Potter’s house that smelled “like a bucket full of gas station hot dogs at a petting zoo.”

Opinion: How Much For ALL My Plasma?

Posted on May 22, 2021 by Griffin Constant

It’s one of those few things that everyone in the country can easily depend on to make a quick 30 bucks. Whether for medical bills or the explosive need for a fresh new pack of cigarettes, plasma — the portion of the blood that is used to fight diseases — can always be sold for a quick profit.

Unfortunately, $30 for a small donation of a little bit of plasma twice a week can only get you so far. I have rent to pay, and gas to put into my car, and a growing drug habit. I believe it’s my God-given right as an American to ask: How much for ALL my plasma?

The unfortunate thing with selling your plasma is that the tyrannical Red Cross limits donations to twice a month, and private institutions will only let you sell your plasma twice a week. That’s a goddamn violation of my Constitutional rights as an American citizen if I’ve ever heard one. I should be able to sell ALL my plasma if I want. It’s my plasma!

I looked it up and folks, the average human has like 10.5 liters of blood in them. Guess what? Plasma is about 55% of that 10.5 liters of blood. Clearly they are only taking a little bit at a time. Let’s cut to the chase: put the needle in my arm, pull the 55% of plasma out of my blood, put some of that blood back WITHOUT the plasma, and then give me what I deserve: $600 dollars.

My grandfather was an immigrant to this great country, and he told me that the reason he came here is because in America, if you work hard enough, you can do anything. I’m almost positive this is not what he had in mind, but let me sell my own goddamned plasma for more speed if you believe in this country!

Let the free market decide whether or not viruses and other foreign bodies will invade my defenseless blood.

Dave Grohl Reveals He’s Been Chewing the Same Piece of Gum for 26 Years

Posted on May 22, 2021 by Chris Jones

LOS ANGELES — Foo Fighters frontman and former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl admitted that he has been chewing the same piece of Trident spearmint flavored gum for the past 26 years.

“Anyone that’s been to a Foo Fighters gig probably noticed that I’m constantly chewing gum. But only true fans that get very close to my mouth will know that it’s been the same piece of gum for over two decades,” said Grohl. “This gum is part of the reason we’ve been so successful. I was chewing it while we wrote all our biggest hits, and it still has a hint of flavor, so I can’t justify wasting it. My dentist says the gum’s tar-like texture from years of chewing is the reason that all my teeth are loosening up, but this gum isn’t going anywhere. Keep rockin.”

Multiple sources reported that Grohl isn’t the only musician with a love of chomping a lucky piece of gum during performances.

“When I first saw Dave chew his way through the chorus of ‘Big Me,’ I knew there had to be something about this whole gum thing,” explained Green Day singer Billie Joe Armstrong. “Green Day was in a slump so I asked Dave if I could try it and he gave me half of his piece. Two days later I had written ‘American Idiot’ and already started mapping out the Broadway show. This gum is imbued with something special. Someday I hope to pass it along to a deserving multi-millionaire musician.”

Historian Trey Underwood said he believes Grohl’s gum should be managed in an exhibit in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

“I’ve been working with the museum staff to make sure we have someone on the scene as soon as Mr. Grohl dies in order to extract the gum and keep it preserved,” said Underwood. “I tried striking a deal with him by suggesting we would induct the Foo Fighters into the Hall of Fame as soon as we got the gum, but he didn’t go for it. So now we have to do this the hard way. But we are committed to ensuring that future generations can appreciate the piece of gum Grohl picked off the dashboard of his V8 Ford Falcon van every morning during his early days of touring.”

As of press time, sales of Trident spearmint gum had skyrocketed among 15- to 25-year-olds trying to learn how to play “Everlong” to impress their girlfriends.

No Thanks: This New App Sends You Notifications Every Time Tommy Lee Jones Busts a Nut

Posted on May 21, 2021 by Ted Pillow

Are you concerned with how frequently Academy Award nominee Tommy Lee Jones cums? If so, then you are to blame for the cursed new app that sends dozens of push notifications every time the beloved 74-year-old thespian gets that nut.

Personally, I have no need for constant updates regarding Jones’ bodily fluids. I won’t act like it never crosses my mind, but it’s not something I dwell on (unless maybe “Men in Black II” is on TBS again). Nonetheless, my role as a Hard Times tech reviewer required that I spend a week testing out the new digital platform Mr. Jones has created to notify his fans about the frequency, volume, and quality of his loads.

As it disturbingly warns on its App Store page, TLJ Nut Alert vows to “update users every single time Tommy Lee Jones drains his balls, whether via sex, masturbation, or other extraction methods,” whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean. It uses the emergency alert system built into iPhones to sound the deafeningly loud notification also used for AMBER alerts or severe weather warnings, except now interspersed with audio clips of Jones moaning in delight. Once the distress signal has gone into effect, it cannot be muted or silenced in any way.

At this point you might be wondering, “Just how frequently is Tommy firing one off, anyway?” The answer, I am horrified to report, is dozens and dozens of times per day, starting at around 5 AM and lasting until he tuckers himself out sometime after midnight, possibly after his handlers inject him with animal-grade tranquilizers.

The app is, unfortunately, quite functional. When it’s not blaring like a tornado siren, it allows users to message one another, earn “Strokin’ Tokens,” and turn JPGs into PDFs (that last feature is actually pretty useful). It’s all part of the curmudgeonly actor’s plan to turn himself into a lifestyle brand, a male equivalent to Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop. In fact, he was even going to call the app “Tommy’s Goop” before he found out the name was already taken.

Do I recommend TLJ Nut Alert? Of course not. It’s ruining my life. And I’ll be deleting it as soon as I earn enough Strokin’ Tokens to win that autographed “Men in Black II” poster.

Man Turns Lifelong Passion For Wolves Into Shitty Bicep Tattoo

Posted on May 21, 2021 by Dan Kozuh

PEORIA, Ill. — Self-described wolf enthusiast Roy Greene immortalized his obsession with the animal since childhood in a hastily drawn tattoo on the upper portion of his right arm, sources report.

“You know, I’ve loved wolves from as far back as I can remember. I have wolf shirts, wolf posters, and wolf books all over my childhood bedroom and current bedroom,” Greene said, showing off his collection of wolf paraphernalia. “I was considering becoming a zoologist or even a wildlife photographer, but in the end I decided that the best tribute to the majestic beast was to let my buddy Dougie use a used tattoo machine he got at a swap meet to put a wolf on my bicep so everyone knows how much I love them.”

However, many close to Greene feel that the tattoo was probably not the best choice to honor the animal.

“The tattoo looks like a gopher with mange that was set on fire and then glued back together,” said close friend Melanie Christensen. “It’s almost a disservice to the animal, really. I think I hate wolves a little bit now. Like, he could have used any of that $250 he spent on the tattoo to go to a sanctuary or donate to conservation or something. Now whenever he wears a sleeveless shirt, which is most of the time, I have to see that terrifying image. When he flexes, its eyes follow me around.”

Zoologist and wolf expert Dr. Cecilia Hall of the Lincoln Park Zoo said she wishes more people used their wolf passion to get involved.

“I get countless people telling me how obsessed they are with wolves and I’m like great, we could really use you to boost awareness, but instead they get a howling wolf airbrushed on the side of their van, or post some online quiz that says the wolf is their ‘spirit animal,’” the dejected Dr. Hall said. “I officially love wolves more than almost anyone, but the only wolf item I own is a 2017 calendar someone got me that I haven’t thrown out yet.”

As of press time, Greene announced plans to touch up the tattoo by adding Inuit tribal symbols to honor the ancestors his grandmother once claimed they had.

3 Things I Don’t Understand About the Israel-Palestine Conflict, Plus 5 More I Don’t Understand About Basic Life Shit

Posted on May 21, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

I’ve never claimed to be a particularly smart man, but I do try to keep well-informed. The world is a complex place. Truth, lies, right and wrong are rarely clear-cut. With that in mind, here are three things I don’t understand about the Israel-Palestine Conflict, plus five more things I just don’t understand about basic life shit.

Israel-Palestine #1: The 1947 United Nations Partition Plan for Palestine. This is the original proposal that mandated that Palestine be divided into separate Jewish and Arab independent states with pre-established economic ties. While the four-part document is dense and complex, what I truly don’t understand is how they possibly expected this to work. The naïveté to think that this plan could possibly be peacefully implemented is mind-boggling.

Basic Life Shit #1: Exactly how long am I supposed to brush my teeth? I’m never sure. Is it just like a quick stab at the molars and then, good? Or should I settle in for a 90-minute session of repeat applications of toothpaste and mouthwash at 15-minute intervals? Is blood good or bad? If you know, please tell me.

Israel-Palestine #2: Why has the violence flared up right now, and what happened at the Aqsa Mosque? Some may claim to have answers, some say it was always just a matter of time. No one can truly say. But I don’t get why the Israeli police entered the Aqsa Mosque on April 12th and ushered in all this.

Basic Life Shit #2: So why isn’t it okay for me to take a nap at my job? I get to the Home Depot at the crack of 11 a.m., and by noon, I think it’s understandable that I get a little sleepy. So what if I make a little bed out of four by fours, bathmats I snuck from the Bathroom section, and a blanket made out of tarp from Gardening? I’m on my break, and it doesn’t hurt anybody! But just tell Assistant Manager Mark that.

Basic Life Shit #3: Pants: Why did they become the norm? The whole point is to keep your junk covered so like, a loincloth is fine. How did we get here? And why are there so many types and sizes? Do they grow and get picked at different times? Are junior sizes unripe pants? I just don’t get it!

Basic Life Shit #4: And another thing, where are all the snowmen in the summertime? Summer is when we need them and their icy powers the most! I can’t tell you the number of hot August days I sweated like a pig and looked all around for a frosty snowman to use his powers to cool things down, but no dice! I just don’t get it.

Israeli-Palestine #3: A final thing I don’t understand on the subject of the bloody violence in Gaza. Can there ever truly be lasting peace? Can there be a transcendence of millennia of pain and suffering and mistrust? With a generational conflict like this one, I just don’t know. I’ll never understand how we got here or how to get out.

Basic Life Shit #5: Math. That shit is hard.

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