Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Sunn O))) Guitarist Finally Admits That Third ) Was a Typo

Posted on May 21, 2021 by Matt McInerney

SEATTLE — Longtime Sunn O))) guitarist Stephen O’Malley stunned fans when he revealed the band’s name has had a glaring typo since their inception in 1998, sources close to the musician confirmed.

“We argued about the name forever. Greg wanted to put an umlaut on an upside-down cross or the Prince symbol or something. I suggested ‘Earth’ several times, because that band is awesome. But after months of debate, we gave up and just agreed to steal the logo on our amps,” said O’Malley while picking up his cloak from a local dry cleaner. “Years later, I was looking at an old tour poster and suddenly realized: I’d made a huge mistake. The Sunn logo only has two parentheses at the end, and here we are with three. It’s just embarrassing. I was able to fix it on some of our new gear, but we can’t afford to reprint all of our records and merch.”

Fans of the band, a group known for staring at album covers too long, were dumbfounded by the guitarist’s statement.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Melvin Johnson, longtime drone metal fan. “‘ØØ Void’ is one of my favorite albums. I’ve probably seen that logo a thousand times. Then, suddenly I was like ‘Whoa dude… that is negative space…’ Hold on… does that mean my tattoo is wrong? You still just pronounce it ‘Sun’ right? Or is it ‘Sun Oh?’ Oh god. I feel like my entire life has been a lie.”

Conrad Sundholm, one of the creators of the legendary Sunn amps, was unaware that the band had been using his trademark for years.

“Wait a minute, are you telling me that someone stole our logo? I’m surprised nobody ever told me. I mean, those aren’t even parentheses. It’s a symbol, it’s not meant to be typed out. They’re just like sunbeams or rays,” said Sundholm. “I guess I’m flattered, but I was hoping their music was more of a tribute to the gear I created. I’m not exactly sure what they are supposed to be. I guess those are guitar sounds, but I prefer Steely Dan”

Following O’Malley’s admission, bandmate Greg Anderson shared a confession of his own: “I use an O and a zero interchangeably when spelling our name. I’m not sure which one is correct.”

Opinion: Bears Have Every Right To Defend Themselves From the Bees in the Hive They’re Invading

Posted on May 20, 2021 by Kevin Tit

I’m just gonna say what we’re all thinking. If a bee thinks it’s a good idea to sting the bear whose snout just burst through the side of their home then they better be ready to deal with the consequences of that act of violence. I believe in common sense self-defense There’s no question about it, a bear breaking into a hive has every right to defend itself against those monstrous aggressors.

I know this is a complex issue with a long history but two wrongs don’t make a right and it’s as simple as that.

Bees make honey. Bears eat honey. Everybody has to eat. If you ask me, the bees ought to just share the honey with them. The bears have just as much of a right to the stuff as the generations of bees who’ve been living in there. Another option is that the bees can just leave and start over in one of those other trees in that part of the woods. I’m pretty sure there’s, like, tons of ’em.

I’m also pretty sure I read about a bear who recently died from its wounds after being stung by a swarm after destroying its entire hive. And don’t you dare start talking to me about how every single one of the bees also died. Or how the entire species is on the brink of extinction. That’s not the bear’s fault. How can a bear understand that it’s participating in a genocide if they’re being stung on the nose over and over again?

Bears are better than bees. That’s all I’m trying to say. And if those bees don’t want to keep getting massacred after being displaced from their hives then they need to buzz the fuck off. It’s like they say, “Keep poking the bear, you might get bit by a barrage of bear strikes.”

‘Blue Lives Matter’ Supporter Having No Problem Laying into Mall Security

Posted on May 20, 2021 by Ben Friedman

FREEHOLD, N.J. — Local mall security guard Corey Knightly was in shock after a known ‘Blue Lives Matter’ proponent tore into him for 20 minutes over matters regarding running around corners too fast, onlookers reported.

“I saw a bunch of unattended kids messing around in the food court fountain, so I had to set them straight. Before I could even take their names down this guy in a ‘Back the Blue’ shirt comes swooping in and starts shrieking at me about harassing his kids,” said part-time Allied Universal employee, Knightly. “For someone who allegedly respects authority he had no issue calling me a ‘braindead asshole’ and a high school dropout for almost half an hour. I know my ability to enforce anything is tenuous at best, but his kids were literally stealing loose change that we donate to charity. I’d kick my own grandparents out for shit like that.”

Despite the confrontation occurring hours before, father of two Rob Johnston was still incensed that his family was on the verge of being ejected from the mall.

“I come to this mall every week, sometimes twice, and this is how they treat me? Without patriotic Americans like me stimulating the economy, that little mall Nazi wouldn’t even have a job,” said Johnston. “If my kids want to express themselves, they can do so wherever they please, and don’t need some wannabe Serpico telling them otherwise. He’ll kick my kids out of the food court but won’t do anything about a black guy hanging out in front of Yankee Candle for ten minutes. Their priorities are completely backwards.”

Mall staff who intervened were not surprised that it was Johnston arguing with security, as this has been an ongoing trend.

“Oh, Blue Lives Brad? Yeah, he’s a piece of work. We have this theory that his chinstrap beard makes him more aerodynamic when cutting in front of people at Starbucks. But what sets him apart from the other jerks is his ability to simultaneously claim he respects the ‘law’ while breaking every rule we have here,“ said mall manager Bill Irwin. “One time he doxxed a guard who called him out for abusing the free samples at Leann Chin. We’d call the actual cops on him but every time we try he whips out a PBA card and tells me he’s untouchable.”

As of press time, Johnston was seen being escorted out of the mall by several guards after claiming it was his First Amendment right to scream at the Orange Julius employees.

Guys, I Just Heard About What Milli Vanilli Did and I Am Pissed Off

Posted on May 20, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

Are you fucking kidding me?! Okay, okay. Gotta cool down for a moment. I can’t believe what I’m hearing. I am shaken to my core. My foundation is rubble. I just found out that groundbreaking Euro-pop duo Milli Vanilli has been lip-syncing this entire time and someone is gonna pay.

Honestly, I wouldn’t take this so hard if I hadn’t believed in Milli Vanilli for so long. I know it’s been a while since their last release, but they have been my favorite German-French R&B duo since 1988. “Girl You Know It’s True” is an absolute fucking jam and girl you know it’s true. It’s damn true. I’d know, I’ve been drinking espressos and appreciating abstract art for years with that exclusively as my soundtrack. I never thought that Rob Pilatus and Fab Morvan would betray me like this. They were my heroes ever since I heard “My Prerogative.” That was them, right?

The first time I heard of this “lip-syncing” I was confused. I’ve seen the ol’ Mil-Vainil live dozens of times and all I hear are perfectly performed vocals that are identical to the album. All I see synced up to those lips are two beefcakes with perfect pitch. But since the man behind the curtain turned out to be a sound guy with a ponytail and an aux cord, I am exploding with a fiery rage that will consume all in its path.

Now I don’t know what to think. Is it the music industry’s fault for setting an impossible standard? Or is this what M+V were talking about when they said to “Blame It on the Rain?” Is nothing sacred? If Rob and Fab were lip-syncing, who else was? Elvis? Bowie? Now when I see animatronic characters at Chuck E. Cheese, I start to wonder if they’re even singing.

This has shaken me. Sometimes I wonder if the whole world is lip-syncing and that life is just the backing track to an album we’re all just playing on repeat until we die. Without faith in our heroes, we have nothing to look up to. And with no aspirations, we can manifest only destruction. The point is, Milli Vanilli made me burn down that Chuck E. Cheese so they should at least pay some of the damages.

Phantom Planet Hoping That a New Show Needs a Theme Song About California

Posted on May 20, 2021 by Matt Wassung

LOS ANGELES — Rock band Phantom Planet expressed their frustration with the lack of television shows in development that will need a theme song about California, anxious sources close to the group confirmed.

“California is the most populous state in the country,” said lead singer Alex Greenwald. “The chances a show would take place there are pretty high! We have a history of songs about California being used as TV themes, and it would be stupid for the networks to not consider us. Phantom Planet is the perfect soundtrack for long sweeping shots of the coastline and people driving in convertibles. My journal is full of ideas for songs: ‘Whole Lotta Vineyards,’ ‘California Part 2: The Goldenest State,’ and of course my favorite, ‘Traffic on the PCH Blues.’”

Past and more famous members of the band are also excited about the prospect of Phantom Planet’s return to the lucrative world of television theme songs years after their song “California” was the popular theme to Fox show “The OC.”

“I think it would be amazing,” said former drummer and actor Jason Schwartzman. “I don’t even like acting. I only started doing it as a side thing until the band was ready to go on the road or whatever again. I’ve done enough Wes Anderson movies for a lifetime. If I get the chance to jump back in the studio with the boys to lay down some Cali-centric TV theme tracks, I’m there, man! Hearing my song played on a TV show each week was the highlight of my career. I’m ready and willing to get back on the horse.”

While the eager band waits for any word from the TV industry, executives are put off by the band’s insistence.

“We get calls from those guys about two or three times a week,” said Fox executive Darren Frye. “They keep trying to play songs over the phone, constantly asking if ‘this is anything that could fit anywhere.’ We’re thinking of setting all our California productions in Rhode Island instead just to get them off our backs. At least there aren’t any annoying bands from Rhode Island bothering us about theme songs. Not yet, anyway.”

At press time, members of Explosions in the Sky were desperately pitching NBC executives a show about a high school football team whose most dramatic moments were set to a soundtrack provided by the band.

We Rewatched “Roseanne” and It Just Isn’t the Same Now Knowing That John Goodman Has a 9-Inch Dick

Posted on May 19, 2021 by Vince Ratti

In 1988, the Conners showed the world that raising children in a lower middle class home had its ups and downs, while still keeping us laughing even as they tackled serious issues. But 1988 was 33 years ago. Does “Roseanne” still hold up today? That’s why we set out to rewatch “Roseanne” from start to finish.

And although the show was pretty great, and I greatly enjoyed spending time again with my favorite TV parents (Roseanne Barr and John Goodman), I found it difficult to enjoy the show after a particularly revealing episode made it abundantly clear Goodman is packing a massive, 9-inch hog.

I suppose I just never thought about these things as a kid. But now as an adult, I must address the elephant in the room that is the elephant trunk in John Goodman’s pants.

I had originally planned to touch on all the big moments in the series, like when DJ refuses to kiss a girl because she’s black and Roseanne and Dan are forced to think about their own racial bias. But when Roseanne lays into DJ about intolerance, it feels hollow now, because all I can think about is how John Goodman could have played himself in that porn parody of “Arachnophobia,” and easily put Johnny Sins to shame.

By the time I made it to the 2018 revival I wasn’t even paying attention. My face buried in my phone, Googling “John Goodman horsedick.“ How did I miss this? Goodman had a sixth member of the Conner family right there dangling in our faces the whole time. But while I expected to find tons of articles and message boards devoted to his obviously 9-inch penis, there were none.

I had to know more, but the only clue I unearthed was from a crew member from “The Flintstones” (1994). All I could get out of him was, “Let it go man. It goes deeper than you can imagine.” I’m not sure if this means there’s some sort of great conspiracy to conceal the “Coyote Ugly” star’s abnormal knob or was just a joke about getting your holes filled by the portly actor’s Big Lebowski. For my own sanity, I decided to just let it go.

So, while I wish I could still view “Roseanne” through the innocent eyes of a child, the entire run is marred by the knowledge that Goodman probably wasn’t allowed to wear shorts around the children on the set. Now rewatching “Monsters Inc.” will never be the same.

Cry for Help Getting Tons of Likes

Posted on May 19, 2021 by Dianne Nora

TOLEDO, Ohio — A desperate plea for help shared via Facebook post by local woman Andrea Copeland has been garnering a ton of likes, according to multiple sources who engaged with the post.

“She usually gets a couple likes. She has an aunt that comments on everything, and there’s this guy she used to make out with sometimes who always heart reacts her posts, but this seemed like it was getting way more traction more than usual,” noted Jaymee Estes, who described herself as a close friend of Copeland’s since high school. “At first, I was worried I missed her birthday or something ‘cause it was like right at the top of my newsfeed, but then I saw the post. Yikes. I mean, I hope she’s doing okay. I ‘liked’ to show my support for whatever it is she was talking about.”

The post, which features both a litany of personal grievances and more existential ponderings about the futility of even trying, along with a few thinly veiled threats of self-harm, has elicited responses from outside Copeland’s circle of acquaintances.

“I actually did the little ‘care’ react,” said John Toriano, an acquaintance of Copeland’s who said she added him on Facebook years ago after the two met on vacation. “I don’t see her post too often. I remember her saying a couple political things around the election, and sharing memes a few times, but this was definitely different. We’re not close, but we definitely met at some point, I think. You can’t not respond to something like that, you know? And what goes further than reacting on Facebook? I know she probably really appreciated it.”

Daniel Rahn, an independent analyst of social media markets, suggested that posts like Copeland’s are part of a growing trend across platforms.

“We’ve seen a marked increase in engagement with posts that express negative feelings,” said Rahn. “Whether it’s Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, or even newer apps like TikTok and Clubhouse, hopelessness, anhedonia, and despair are all really in this year, even beating out ‘hometown drama’ and closely following ‘shit-talking tirade about new partner’s ex.’ Very impressive stuff.”

At press time, the number of likes on Copeland’s post seemed to have plateaued in the mid-130s. Copeland did not respond to a request for comment.

HELL YEAH MOTHERFUCKERS: This Venue Has Seating

Posted on May 19, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

Awww yeah. You already know what the fuck is going on here. Me and my lady are off to see a show tonight. It’s been over a year since we’ve seen any band play live. But tonight we’ve got a babysitter, we already found a parking garage and took out cash to tip the bartender. And the best part of it all?

THIS MOTHERFUCKING VENUE HAS SEATING, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Sure, we used to be front row fucking center in the pit, but we don’t need that shit anymore to have a good time. Way too much jostling down there anyway. And it’s way cooler being up here in the back with the old folks and friends of the band who aren’t good enough friends to go backstage.

Besides, my wife shouldn’t be standing up for more than 20 minutes at a time because of her MOTHERFUCKING SCIATICA.

And it’s not just the seating that makes this whole fucking enchanted evening the absolute tits. You honestly thought I’d be content with some seating, you little bitch? Hell no. THEY GOT A BATHROOM UP IN THE SEATING AREA, TOO.

But fuck that horseshit. Because we used the bathroom at Starbucks before entering the venue. And I bought a pack of soft-baked Madeline cookies, motherfuckers. I also bought a god damn hibiscus iced tea, but the butt muncher at the door made me chuck that shit before entering the show. Fucking narc.

You know what? I know we paid to see the headliner, but I’m getting kinda sleepy. We saw the opener and that’s good enough….motherfuckersssssss.

And since we’re leaving the show early, we’ll have plenty of time for some real fun at home, if you catch my mf’ing drift. That’s right. Me and my lady could totally have sex tonight. Of course, we’ll be way too tired to do it. But we totally could go to the bone zone if we wanted.

And it’s a good thing we won’t be having sex tonight. Because tomorrow is Sunday. And you know just what the hell we be doing Sunday morning.

WE’RE GOING TO THE FARMER’S MARKET, MOTHERFUCKERS.

Year of Not Attending Shows Allows Woman Space to Realize She Hates Every Single Thing About Them

Posted on May 19, 2021 by Krissy Howard

BOISE, Idaho — Local woman and lifelong punk Charlotte Birdsong came to the relieving conclusion that she does not miss a single thing about going to shows following a year in which she was prevented from attending any, sources report.

“I’ve been going to shows since I was 15. I never would have imagined a time where I’d have no desire to attend another show ever again,” the now 42-year-old Birdsong explained. “I think a lot of people used their pandemic downtime as a journey of self-discovery and to realize what isn’t working in their lives anymore. For me, I learned that standing on concrete for four hours to listen to five bands I’ve never heard of, almost getting hit by flying folding chairs, coming home covered in beer and spit, and avoiding at least five exes is just not for me anymore. It’s time to move on.”

Countless others had reached similar conclusions about their own relationships with attending live punk, hardcore, and metal shows.

“I’ve had a lot of big breakthroughs this last year, one of which being that going to shows is objectively a fucking nightmare, and I don’t have to subject myself to it any longer,” said the only non-white person seen at a show in his hometown in six years, Barry Chiu. “Navigating clueless people in any social scenario is bad enough, but doing so while being forced to listen to the most boring story of all time from some old guy who only listens to Johnny Thunders while you’re waiting to pee is just too much. Plus, I can’t afford to tear any more of my shirts or lose any more shoes.”

Relationship experts report that outgrowing toxic situations is natural and a sign of good emotional health.

“Part of emotional maturity involves assessing your relationships, determining if you get the same satisfaction from them that you once did, and adjusting accordingly. While the unpredictability of being involved in a fight with that bitch who works at Dunkin’ Donuts may have been fun at one time, it may not induce the same feelings now, and that’s OK,” said family counselor Denise Hanna. “That’s not to say that making such a change doesn’t come with its fair share of grief, but if you find yourself feeling nostalgic for the general awfulness shows once provided, you can try rewatching a TV show you didn’t like the first time, or embarrassing yourself by getting super drunk and going on Instagram live to talk shit about everyone you know. It’s all about exploration.”

At press time, no less than seven thousand men were overheard calling Birdsong a poser.

How To Impress Your Date by Ordering off-Menu at the 7-Eleven

Posted on May 18, 2021 by Alec Stein

Sometimes the search for love can leave one with more questions than answers, especially in regards to the first date. Do you meet there, or pick your date up by borrowing your roommate’s Kia? Do you keep it casual and wear a pair of jorts, or do you spruce things up a bit by wearing a slightly less tattered pair of jorts? Should you like, shower and shit? These questions may not have right or wrong answers. However, the one surefire way to impress on a first date is by taking them to the illustrious bistro that is 7-Eleven, especially if you are savvy and cultured enough to order off-menu.

Some may consider the 7-Eleven first date a bit hokey and antiquated, but certain things are cliche for a reason. There is no greater feeling in the world than sitting on a parking block and staring into the eyes of a potential lover as you split a bag of Takis.

The key to ordering off-menu, as with so much else in dating, is confidence. This is something hard to feign but, as always, 7-Eleven has the answer. While your date mulls over which tantalizing delicacy they plan on getting off the roller, make your way to the wine cellar, typically located between the energy drinks and the phone chargers. While one of the more robust beverages may draw your eye, such as a 40oz of Chateau de Budweiser, it is important to know one of the unwritten rules of 7-Eleven: if something is small enough to fit in your pocket, they actually don’t make you pay for it. Opt for a more modestly-sized drink, such as a can of Monaco or a pint of Skol. Once you knock back a few of these in the washroom, head back to your dates (by now, you should be seeing two of them).

To order off-menu, it is important to let the garçon know you are a man of culture. Otherwise he might kick you out, typically on some trumped-up charges of “disorderly conduct” or “vomiting on the scratch-off dispenser again.” I recommend using the following script, until you are able to come up with your own:

“Bonjour, good sir. Could I trouble you to take one of those scrumptious looking taquitos and place it on one of your artisanally-made hotdog buns? No, no. You can hold the ketchup. Leave that for those with a more American palette. I will, however, take one of your Big Bites. Would you be so kind as to dunk that into your decadent hot wing sauce? Merci.”

By now, your date should be swooning. While your Tinder bio said you were “fluent in sarcasm,” they had no idea you could speak the language of love. Stroll out to the curb, light up a Pall Mall, and let the smell of lust and mini-tacos wash over you.

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