Kyle Gordon Stanley, Author at HARDTIMES

Nu-Metal Fan Whose JNCOs Inflated Like Parachute Only Survivor in Plane Crash

Posted on May 26, 2021 by Michael Luis

VANCOUVER — Nu-metal fan and dedicated JNCO jeans wearer Chad Willis was the only surviving passenger of a plane crash that left 85 dead after his comically oversized pants served as a de facto parachute, astonished sources confirmed.

“I heard a big bang and then I blacked out. I guess the engine blew up and we started going down,” said Willis of the crash. “Next thing I know I’m free-falling, then I hear this heavy ‘poof’ sound and everything slowed down. I looked up and my pants were all puffy. I got made fun of for wearing my JNCOs all the time by my friends, parents, and most of the staff of the plane as I got on, but the joke’s on them now. These pants saved my life! I had tickets to see Limp Bizkit play in Sacramento, so I’m pumped I still get to go.”

Onlookers were shocked to see the man slowly descend from the sky before landing safely on a nearby beach.

“We saw this ball of fire falling into the ocean, and we were all totally freaking out,” said local man Graham Peterson. “And then we see this blue blob, with what I’m pretty sure was a fuzzy dice patch sewn onto it, slowly floating toward us. My mind was racing wondering if it was some terrorist attack or like, alien invasion or something. But then this guy in giant pants with frosted tips landed like six feet in front of us and asked us if we could play some Korn on our beach speaker. He must have been in total shock.”

JNCO co-founder Haim Milo Revah provided condolences to the families of the crash’s victims, but also acknowledged that his product could save a life.

“When I designed the first JNCOs people thought I was crazy, but we were a phenomenon in the ‘90s,” said Revah of his famously wide-bottomed jeans. “We may be responsible for the loss of countless sex lives during that time, but today our front scoop-adorned design saved one. We appreciate still having our dedicated fans even if the jeans aren’t flying off shelves the way they used to. Hmmm. Flying. I think I have an idea.”

At press time, Willis was named the official spokesperson for JNCO’s new “Every Airport Needs a JNCO Store” campaign.

Secrets Revealed! Rob Zombie Confirms His “Munsters” Reboot Will Establish That Herman’s Dick Came From a Wolfman

Posted on May 25, 2021 by Dan Rice

When Rob Zombie re-booted the “Halloween” franchise, he subverted expectations by taking the story’s central mystery (“why does Michael Myers kill?”) and painstakingly/joylessly providing a plausible explanation, instead of a fun horror movie! Now the ruining-stuff auteur is looking to do the same with his upcoming “Munsters” reboot!

Vampires, Frankensteins and spooky-ass surf rock, “The Munsters” had it all. Riding the last wave of the Universal Monster films’ popularity, “The Munsters” was a slightly ahead-of-its-time satire of late ‘50s to early ‘60s wholesome family television. While the show’s overall campy-ness has helped it maintain somewhat of a cult status to this day, it’s yet to enjoy a second life comparable to “The Addams Family.” Zombie hopes to change all of that through excessive violence, depictions of rape and a total lack of mystery and intrigue!

One of the show’s quirks is the fact that Eddie Munster, the son of Herman (Frankenstein’s Monster) and Lilly (a vampire) appears to be a wolf-boy for some reason. Zombie already has an iron-clad explanation for this mystery:

“First thing we’re gonna do is show that when Herman Munster was sewn together from dead body parts, his dick was taken from the body of a guy who was a werewolf,” explained Zombie in an AMA about the project. “That’s why his son is part werewolf, even though he’s technically half Frankenstein’s monster and half daughter of Dracula.”

Eddie isn’t the only character having his origins tediously over-explained. Zombie hopes to establish that Lilly was a product of incest, Herman killed his own creator after reading “Paradise Lost” and Marilyn, while seemingly a normal, attractive young woman, has an insatiable urge to kill that terrifies the rest of the family. Pretty ambitious for what the studio is expecting to be a 90-minute family comedy.

In addition to clarifying the back story for each main character, Zombie also hopes to inject a dose of reality into the once-campy franchise, particularly in areas where doing so will be a huge bummer.

“If you pay attention to the show, they establish that Grandpa Munster is in fact Count Dracula. My film will highlight his inherent sadism. This guy wouldn’t be spooking girl scouts away from the front door by mistake, he would be impaling their heads on the front gate! I mean, that’s just a ‘for instance,’ but it is in the movie.”

Despite the “not your grandpa’s (blank)” attitude that permeates his film career, Zombie isn’t without a sense of nostalgia. He promises that the film will contain several homages to his own earlier work. “We will reference the fact that Grandpa Munster built the Dragula car, conservatively, 47 times in this 90-minute film.”

Man Looking for Casual Way to Ask if Niece’s Birthday Party is BYOB

Posted on May 25, 2021 by Ted Pillow

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Daniel Powers is searching for an acceptable way to find out if his niece’s upcoming birthday party will be BYOB or if alcohol will be provided, according to concerned sources tired of telling him that no one actually uses flasks anymore.

“If you ask me, this is on my sister for poor planning,” Powers explained. “Now I need to come up with a way to find out what the hell is the deal with this party. She spent like, three paragraphs in the email on COVID precautions, but nothing on the booze situation. At first I figured that meant open bar, but everybody I’ve asked says the best case scenario is probably a cooler with a few stray Coors Lights. Guess I’ll have to pregame like crazy and coast on that until the afterparty.”

Many of Powers’s friends have warned his sister, Morgan Davidson, about his concerns regarding the upcoming SpongeBob-themed children’s party.

“Typical Danny, turning everything into a frat party,” Davidson said while filling up a Squidward piñata with candy. “I mean, this is an event for children that’s scheduled from 1 to 3 p.m. We’re playing musical chairs and eating cake, not doing keg stands and fistfighting the neighbors. He better not fuck this up like the time he showed up two hours late to Nonna’s 80th birthday and somehow convinced all the ladies in her gin rummy club to go in on a gram with him.”

Although children’s parties typically don’t involve alcohol, many etiquette experts advise that it’s better to explicitly state that in the invitation.

“Most people safely assume that a party where the main attraction is a couple of guys in SpongeBob and Patrick costumes won’t serve alcohol,” noted nationally syndicated advice columnist Elizabeth Taylor-Davies. “But, nonetheless, it’s best to err on the side of caution and clearly state whether or not guests are welcome to bring alcohol. Unfortunately, thousands of children’s parties are ruined each year by aunts and uncles showing up with a bunch of Natty Lights and unsolicited opinions about current events, which is completely preventable.”

As of press time, Powers had decided on bringing a bag full of Bud heavies and, if confronted, just playing it off as a birthday gift.

5 Summer Cocktails That Will Make You Say “Okay, Tomorrow I Stop Killing Myself”

Posted on May 25, 2021 by Dan Rice

For many of us the past year has been the hardest in living memory, and in times of turmoil it’s all the more easy to find solace in a bottle. If you have a predisposition towards substance abuse, chances are you were lucky to see 2021. But times are changing!

With vaccination returning life to normalcy and the beautiful summer weather ahead of us, you may think now is the perfect time to get clean, get healthy, and get your life back on track. Boring! Here are 5 delicious summer drink recipes so amazeballs that they will completely derail those aspirations and trap you right back in the same old pattern of self abuse and neglect!

The Tequila Sunset
This bad boy ain’t no brunch drink! A deceptively powerful cocktail, this one’s all about becoming acquainted with summer nights. Just one sip and you’ll be saying to yourself “Jesus, will I ever break out of this fucking cycle?”
2oz Tequila
3oz Cheaper Tequila
2oz Sunny D
0.5oz Red Dye #5
4oz Cheapest Tequila
12oz Simple Syrup
-Stir over ice and serve in a pineapple or some shit

Do It Tomorrow
Bailing on self-care never tasted so good! This colorful and irresistible concoction will have you saying “Ah fuck it, what’s one more night of destroying my liver gonna do?” over and over again!
1oz Grey Goose Vodka
1oz DeKuyper Island Punch Schnapps
0.5oz Cointreau
2oz Dry Gin
3oz Jack Daniel’s Honey Whiskey
Every Intention To Stop Doing This To Yourself
Cough Syrup (to taste)
-Without measuring, pour ingredients haphazardly into red solo cup until full

God-Knows-What On The Beach
Did you have sex last night? Did you fight someone? Hard to say. All you’ll know the morning after you cave and indulge in this summer favorite is that you are sore, horribly sunburned and full of sand.
750ml Bottle Peach Schnapps
Funnel
Carefully Constructed Plan To Start Living The Clean Life (discard)

The Johnson & Johnson
Much like the Covid vaccine for which it’s named, you only need one! This tantalizing and potent libation is guaranteed to make your body inhospitable to any foreign body, and quite possibly your organs!
2oz 99 Bananas
2oz Dry Gin
1.8ml Johnson & Johnson brand Covid-19 Vaccine
6 more oz 99 Bananas
-Shake vigorously over ice, garnish with syringe

Pills
Okay, not actually a drink, not actually summer themed and frankly a huge step backwards in your personal self-improvement goals, but fuck it, you’re drunk!
8oz Spring Water
Some Pills

White Men Talking Over Women at Show Mistaken For Punk Band

Posted on May 25, 2021 by Holly Woodstock

REINLANDER, Wisc. — A group of white men were mistaken for the headlining band of a local show early yesterday evening after immediately zeroing in on the few women in attendance and talking over them, according to sources.

“Me and Lex [Lopez] — she’s the one who owns the house — and some of the other ladies were trying to let people know that the headliner was running late, when these guys showed up and started talking about their parking spot,” said Lindsay Klein, one of the women in question. “I mean, four entitled white guys in black jeans who wouldn’t shut the fuck up? Everybody just assumed they must be one of the bands.”

Eyewitnesses who were also fooled at first eventually caught on.

“I mean, pretty much as soon as they walked in, two of them walked up to a group of people standing in a circle talking and edged those women out of the way, including the owner, which is like, Band Guy 101 type shit,” said showgoer and venue regular, Danny Gladden. “But there was one crucial error on their part that tipped me off: the women they did gravitate toward looked like they could have been 25, maybe even 27 years old. No band guy would aim for anyone who looks over 20.”

After the actual headliner’s arrival, band members were not particularly pleased by the situation unfolding.

“Look, I’m all for feminism. I’ve read Goldman, but I think we can all agree the biggest tragedy here tonight was that these girls clearly don’t know how to do their job, which is to make sure people are looking at me,” said Johnny Bourgeois and The Guillotines frontman Tony “Truck” Tucker. “How is it that not a single person even noticed that we walked in? I mean, game recognize game, these guys clearly had charisma. But just ‘cause we got there two hours late and our guitarist was blackout drunk doesn’t give them the right to steal our thunder.”

At press time, Johnny Bourgeois And The Guillotines were feeling conflicting emotions after many called it one of their best sets ever.

Optimus Prime Forced to Walk Everywhere After Truck Form Fails Highway Safety Inspection

Posted on May 24, 2021 by Jerrod Kingery

AUTOBOT CITY — Heroic Autobot Optimus Prime is currently forbidden from morphing into his truck form and driving on roads following a failed highway safety inspection, thanks to damage he sustained while saving the entire universe from The Hate Plague using the Matrix of Leadership, multiple bummed out sources confirmed.

“We Autobots seek to coexist with humanity, as we are guests on this planet,” Prime boomed in his noble baritone as he walked alongside the dusty desert road with his thumb out in an attempt to hitchhike to Omega Supreme. “But I have to admit, not being able to ‘transform and roll out,’ if you will, because of some Nevada Department of Transportation bureaucracy, is an incredible inconvenience.”

“I mean, I could simply command Metroplex to transform into his battle station mode and drive to Arizona, or just take the Space Bridge back to Cybertron for a little while, but Blaster has overheard some chatter about Trypticon planning some sort of attack, so I can’t really swing either of those,” Prime added, stopping to make sure the ramp to his parked trailer was locked.

Malevolent leader of the Decepticons, Megatron, cackled maniacally and took verbal shots at the Autobot commander, who was last seen smoking a cigarette behind a rest stop Dumpster.

“Foolish Prime and his insistence on playing by the rules of these pathetic Earthlings,” Megatron bellowed. “You’ll never see the day a mighty Decepticon bows to the whims of some puny human! And anyway, let me tell you, as someone who transforms into a gun, I get non-stop static from liberal humans about it. That’s why I’ve seriously been considering setting up my Decepticon empire in Texas, because anything goes with those rootin’ tootin’ maniacs.”

Nevada DOT spokesman Norm Harper noted that Optimus Prime had been given plenty of warning before his failed inspection.

“Look, I have nothing but respect for Optimus Prime,” Harper said. “My dad still talks about how he watched him surf his way into that battle over a Deception hydroelectric generator, but he’s still gotta follow the rules of the road. Prime’s brake lights have been inoperative since some scuffle he had with Astrotrain, and his left-front headlight was destroyed in a head-on collision with Motormaster. Thank you for saving Central City from Kremzeek and all, but it’s the law.”

In a related story, the United States Navy deployed a pair of battleships off the coast of California to impound triple-changing Autobot Broadside for impersonating an aircraft carrier.

Astrologer Honestly into Anything That Allows Them to Stereotype People

Posted on May 24, 2021 by Stephen Bell

ATHENS, Ohio — Self-described lover of crystals, energy healing, and astrology Emma Cobb is reportedly only into hobbies that allow her to casually stereotype people, confirmed sources close to the total Gemini.

“Astrology works well as a quick way to really get to know people on a deep level,” said Cobb while arranging a collection of tinctures. “Like I work with this guy Ian, from Scotland, who is so cheap because he’s a Leo. I know he’s cheap because he totally refused to buy any of the crystals I’m selling, which would help with his drinking problem. He then insisted he doesn’t have a drinking problem and that I was making some crack about his heritage. It’s not like the circumstances of his birth are my fault. You can’t help being born in Scotland, the same way you can’t help being born in August.”

Acquaintances of Cobb said they did not appreciate her constant stereotyping of them based on their astrological sign.

“The other day, Emma commented that I must be good at math because I’m a Virgo,” said co-worker Jessica Qing. “She was clearly making reference to the fact that I’m Asian, except when you talk about astrological signs, you can get away with it. That’s how a lot of this new agey bullshit works. I mean, for fuck’s sake, she asked if she could read the bumps on my head the other day as a ‘personality test’ and then got mad at me for calling her a racist. She then insisted she can’t be racist because she has a friend who’s an Aquarius. What does that even mean?”

Ky Rosol, a seller of supernatural items from areas where many men dare not tread, pushed back on this narrative that astrology and related practices are in any way discriminatory.

“The mysteries of the universe are beyond comprehension and shouldn’t be questioned,” stated Rosol. “Is it my fault that the tarot cards keep telling me to follow around the Black customers of my store? The cards work in mysterious ways. They can’t possibly know my own biases or shortcomings. Besides, life is much easier when you accept that forces beyond your control determine your course in life. It really helps me feel less anxious about thinking or contemplating anything for myself.”

At press time, Cobb was offering her astrology services to the local police department, claiming she can tell the criminal type by their star charts.

Oh You’re a Nirvana Fan? Name Three Steps on Noble Siddhartha’s Fourfold Path to Enlightenment

Posted on May 24, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

Hey, nice t-shirt. Nirvana. You think you’re a Nirvana fan? Sure, kid. Whatever you say. Okay big shot, how ’bout this? If you love Nirvana so much, why don’t you name three of Siddhartha’s Noble Truths of Enlightenment, blessed be his name, the divine one who has thus come and the divine one who has thus gone?

Yeah. I thought so.

If you were really into Nirvana like you claim, then I’m sure you’re familiar with the life and doctrines of the Gautama Buddha? So you totally knew he was born a prince of the Shakya clan in modern-day Nepal? Sure. And I bet you also knew that he lived a life of pleasure before encountering the suffering of the world, becoming an ascetic, before rejecting both extremes for the noble truth of the Fourfold Path that is the only thing that can free us from the endless cosmic yoke of reincarnation through dhyana and relinquishing of worldly attachments? You seem surprised. A real fan wouldn’t be surprised. You know who would be surprised? A fucking poser.

If I had a prayer bead for every Bodhisattva-come-lately that I’ve heard claim to love Nirvana, but not even be able to list one Noble Truth. Can you? Asshole. Here’s a hint: the first one is Duḥkha, which is the revealed truth of the inherent suffering nature of the earthly realm, the pain and stress that exists in all things that exist. Jackass. You know what the suffering of existence means to me? It means having to look at a fucking newbie like you call yourself a fan. You don’t even have a saffron robe.

It’s fake people like you that make it hard to renounce attachment to the world and taṇhā, which is translated as “craving” or “desire.” As in, my desire to knock your fucking teeth in. A real Nirvana fan spends their life in meditation, balancing their mind and spirit, assiduously traveling along the Noble Eightfold Path of Bhagavathi, the Satthadeva-Manussanam, the Blessed Buddha who has shown us the way to shed the terrible burden of the karmic wheel and transcend existence itself into the sheer release of realization of non-self. You’re just some motherfucker who bought a t-shirt.

You know what? Fuck off and don’t come ’round here again. I hope you get reincarnated a million times you poser piece of shit.

33% Capacity Show Produces 50% Larger Crowd than Local Band Has Ever Played For

Posted on May 24, 2021 by Krissy Howard

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — A limited-capacity show yesterday evening drew a crowd twice as large as local band Jolly Bean Chili Greens has ever seen in their seven years of performing, sources report.

“This is the best day of my life. It’s always been my dream to play a sold-out show, and today is the day that dream comes true,” said JBCG frontman and full-time IT technician Andrew Garcia. “I would be lying if I said I wasn’t feeling the pressure of entertaining such a huge crowd right now, though. These 17 people finally get to see live music indoors for the first time in over a year, so we’re just gonna have to suck up these nervous jitters and turn this motherfucker out.”

Show attendees and long-time supporters of the band were also shocked by the turnout.

“Honestly, I was worried I was at the wrong show or something. I mean, I saw like, seven people standing outside of the venue, and then when I went in, there were still a few more people in it, and none of them worked at the venue or anything,” said JBCG drummer Josh Price’s roommate, Daryl Tran. “What really blew me away was how there wasn’t just one guy who came alone standing against the wall watching them set up, but two. On different parts of the same wall. It feels pretty cool to know someone before they got big. I just hope they don’t let this go to their head and get some ‘rockstar’ attitude.”

Experts report that this phenomenon should be expected for at least the next several months.

“Bands who couldn’t get their significant others or close friends to come see them play this time last year are witnessing unprecedented spikes in show attendance among their peers now,” said data analyst Katie Sharp. “I would guess that it’s equal parts reverse psychology and good old fashioned cabin fever that’s getting people to come out. Most people would stand in line for over an hour to experience literally anything at this point, so when someone’s coworker’s boyfriend’s band’s manager says they can get a person on any sort of list, there is a 100% chance that they will show up, at least while capacity maximums are this low.”

At press time, Garcia was overheard telling his boss to go fuck herself, claiming that there was no doubt in his mind that this is the right time to go pro with his music career.

Swedish Metal Guitarist Attempts to Cut Down Tree with Boss HM-2 Pedal

Posted on May 23, 2021 by John Danek

GOTHENBURG, Sweden — Melodic death metal guitarist Jens Nyberg tried to use a Boss HM-2 pedal, infamous for its famous “chainsaw” guitar tone, to chop down a tree, embarrassed sources reported.

“Fuck! Why even compare this expensive guitar pedal to a chainsaw if it can’t help at all with my landscaping chores?” protested Nyberg, who was diagnosed with traumatic CTE from years of synchronized headbanging. “First, I set up my guitar rig next to the tree and played At the Gates’ ‘Blinded by Fear’ riff, but the tree didn’t even fucking move. Not a single leaf fell off. At that point, I realized I was being ridiculous. So I unplugged the pedal and started grinding it against the tree. It didn’t do shit. I just scuffed up the pedal a bunch, lowering its value. Fuck this. Back to the Metal Zone.”

Professional landscapers weighed in on the effectiveness of using guitar and audio gear for their metaphorical purposes.

“I don’t even understand what you’re asking me. At the very least, you need an axe to chop down a tree. But preferably a chainsaw,” said Anders Falk, one of Gothenburg’s top rated tree removal specialists. “You’re telling me he tried to chop down a tree with a metal box you plug a guitar into? Shit, maybe you could bring down a tree with a B.C. Rich, but that would have to be one dried-out tree. Hell, maybe you could wrap a bass string around it and saw. But this is ludicrous. Just call a professional.”

A spokesperson from Boss weighed in on alternative uses for their guitar effects products.

“I studied electrical engineering for five years to work at Boss and design pedals for guitarists, who are all apparently mouthbreathing morons,” sighed an exasperated Hiroshi Sato, Boss engineer. “Someone said it sounded like a chainsaw once, and now idiots are trying to chop down trees. What’s next, attempting to eat a Big Muff Pi? Keeping a ProCo Rat in a cage? Attempting to console a Dunlop Cry Baby?”

Nyberg’s problems of confusion reportedly continued when he was accused of lewd conduct while testing out an Electro-Harmonix Electric Mistress at a local guitar shop.

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