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5 Summer Cocktails That Will Make You Say “Okay, Tomorrow I Stop Killing Myself”

For many of us the past year has been the hardest in living memory, and in times of turmoil it’s all the more easy to find solace in a bottle. If you have a predisposition towards substance abuse, chances are you were lucky to see 2021. But times are changing!

With vaccination returning life to normalcy and the beautiful summer weather ahead of us, you may think now is the perfect time to get clean, get healthy, and get your life back on track. Boring! Here are 5 delicious summer drink recipes so amazeballs that they will completely derail those aspirations and trap you right back in the same old pattern of self abuse and neglect!

The Tequila Sunset
This bad boy ain’t no brunch drink! A deceptively powerful cocktail, this one’s all about becoming acquainted with summer nights. Just one sip and you’ll be saying to yourself “Jesus, will I ever break out of this fucking cycle?”
2oz Tequila
3oz Cheaper Tequila
2oz Sunny D
0.5oz Red Dye #5
4oz Cheapest Tequila
12oz Simple Syrup
-Stir over ice and serve in a pineapple or some shit

Do It Tomorrow

Bailing on self-care never tasted so good! This colorful and irresistible concoction will have you saying “Ah fuck it, what’s one more night of destroying my liver gonna do?” over and over again!
1oz Grey Goose Vodka
1oz DeKuyper Island Punch Schnapps
0.5oz Cointreau
2oz Dry Gin
3oz Jack Daniel’s Honey Whiskey
Every Intention To Stop Doing This To Yourself
Cough Syrup (to taste)
-Without measuring, pour ingredients haphazardly into red solo cup until full

God-Knows-What On The Beach
Did you have sex last night? Did you fight someone? Hard to say. All you’ll know the morning after you cave and indulge in this summer favorite is that you are sore, horribly sunburned and full of sand.
750ml Bottle Peach Schnapps
Carefully Constructed Plan To Start Living The Clean Life (discard)

The Johnson & Johnson
Much like the Covid vaccine for which it’s named, you only need one! This tantalizing and potent libation is guaranteed to make your body inhospitable to any foreign body, and quite possibly your organs!
2oz 99 Bananas
2oz Dry Gin
1.8ml Johnson & Johnson brand Covid-19 Vaccine
6 more oz 99 Bananas
-Shake vigorously over ice, garnish with syringe


Okay, not actually a drink, not actually summer themed and frankly a huge step backwards in your personal self-improvement goals, but fuck it, you’re drunk!
8oz Spring Water
Some Pills