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3 Things I Don’t Understand About the Israel-Palestine Conflict, Plus 5 More I Don’t Understand About Basic Life Shit

I’ve never claimed to be a particularly smart man, but I do try to keep well-informed. The world is a complex place. Truth, lies, right and wrong are rarely clear-cut. With that in mind, here are three things I don’t understand about the Israel-Palestine Conflict, plus five more things I just don’t understand about basic life shit.

Israel-Palestine #1: The 1947 United Nations Partition Plan for Palestine. This is the original proposal that mandated that Palestine be divided into separate Jewish and Arab independent states with pre-established economic ties. While the four-part document is dense and complex, what I truly don’t understand is how they possibly expected this to work. The naïveté to think that this plan could possibly be peacefully implemented is mind-boggling.

Basic Life Shit #1: Exactly how long am I supposed to brush my teeth? I’m never sure. Is it just like a quick stab at the molars and then, good? Or should I settle in for a 90-minute session of repeat applications of toothpaste and mouthwash at 15-minute intervals? Is blood good or bad? If you know, please tell me.

Israel-Palestine #2: Why has the violence flared up right now, and what happened at the Aqsa Mosque? Some may claim to have answers, some say it was always just a matter of time. No one can truly say. But I don’t get why the Israeli police entered the Aqsa Mosque on April 12th and ushered in all this.

Basic Life Shit #2: So why isn’t it okay for me to take a nap at my job? I get to the Home Depot at the crack of 11 a.m., and by noon, I think it’s understandable that I get a little sleepy. So what if I make a little bed out of four by fours, bathmats I snuck from the Bathroom section, and a blanket made out of tarp from Gardening? I’m on my break, and it doesn’t hurt anybody! But just tell Assistant Manager Mark that.

Basic Life Shit #3: Pants: Why did they become the norm? The whole point is to keep your junk covered so like, a loincloth is fine. How did we get here? And why are there so many types and sizes? Do they grow and get picked at different times? Are junior sizes unripe pants? I just don’t get it!

Basic Life Shit #4: And another thing, where are all the snowmen in the summertime? Summer is when we need them and their icy powers the most! I can’t tell you the number of hot August days I sweated like a pig and looked all around for a frosty snowman to use his powers to cool things down, but no dice! I just don’t get it.

Israeli-Palestine #3: A final thing I don’t understand on the subject of the bloody violence in Gaza. Can there ever truly be lasting peace? Can there be a transcendence of millennia of pain and suffering and mistrust? With a generational conflict like this one, I just don’t know. I’ll never understand how we got here or how to get out.

Basic Life Shit #5: Math. That shit is hard.