Chrysler Announces New 2022 Line to Be Big as Whale, Ready to Set Sail

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

AUBURN HILLS, Mi. — Major US automotive company Chrysler announced that its new 2022 line of vehicles were as big as a whale, and fully equipped to set sail, according to advertisements in industry periodicals.

“Chrysler is a proud American brand, and that means moving with the times,” said Alan Chesnick, Executive Vice President in Marketing. “Since our founding in 1925 by Walter Chrysler to our ‘80s resurgence under CEO Lee Iacocca, Chrysler has always had its finger on the pulse of popular trends. In our case, that means our new fleet will be the kind of vehicles that can effortlessly set sail down the Atlanta highway, among others, be you en route to a little field or major metropolitan city.”

Chrysler Dodge Jeep Ram dealership owner Gregory Siegel was proud to carry the upcoming line of vehicles.

“This isn’t normally how we advertise our new vehicles,” Siegel said. “Nor is describing authorized dealerships as ‘little old places where you can Get-A-Chrysler!’ Also, that all dealers are now required to read consumer disclaimers in what was described as ‘ironic Sprechgesang.’ I’m really not at all sure what that means. But on the other hand, these are some truly huge cars. They’re certainly ready to set sail, and they are reasonably priced to move, so bring your jukebox money down to Seigal Motors where you can enjoy complimentary coffee and crullers in our lobby.”

Car enthusiast Jason Kim was thrilled at the new direction Chrysler had taken.

“Chrysler has done it again!” Kim said while trying on various thick, horn-rimmed glasses. “More than anything, when I’m looking for a new car, I’m looking for sheer massive size and weight. I need a car that has absolutely no consideration to its gas mileage, and by extension my carbon footprint. I might hold off though, I heard their 2023 Pacific Hybrid will seat about 20, but we’ll see.”

As of press time, Chrysler had issued an official statement that all 2022 vehicles had steel-aluminum alloy roofs, which could not be rusted.

Six Suburban Dads Trapped After Man Cave Collapses

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

HOMEWOOD, Ill. — First responders are attempting to reach a group of fathers that became stuck when a local man-cave weakened and toppled around them during an NFL game Sunday afternoon, concerned neighbors report as the rescue operation entered its third day.

“It appears that the man-cave was located in the garage of Darrin Gray. The collapse seems to be caused by use of shotty materials, amateur know-how, and an abundance of cheesy sports memorabilia strapped to the walls. We believe the inciting incident happened during one particularly intense play by the Chicago Bears, the men’s celebrations caused the homemade tiki-bar, which was also used as a load-bearing post, to give way and the whole structure collapsed in on itself,” Homewood Fire Department Battalion Chief Rogelio Jones explained. “The men appear to be in good spirits with at least three days worth of finger foods and beer. Luckily the cable TV was not knocked out in the devastation or they may have panicked.”

The loved ones of the men have held a vigil near the basement window twenty-four hours a day since the cave-in occurred.

“To be honest, once the weekend is here Darrin doesn’t come out of the garage for anything. He usually stumbles out of there on Monday morning in a slight panic, but in good spirits,” Darrin’s wife Vicki Gray explained. “And it isn’t unusual to hear loud banging and breaking coming from out there, especially around Wrestlemania. But the signs on the basement door say, ‘No Wives Allowed’ and ‘What Happens In The Man Cave Stays In The Man Cave’ and I abide by those rules.

Engineers have been trying to get the word out about the dangers of man-caves for years.

“We call them the Widowmakers, literally. As funny as it is to say duct tape can do anything, it can’t hold up a 70 inch LCD TV to drywall that isn’t attached to any studs,” said structural engineer Sabrina Elliott. “A bunch of pool cues should not be used to suspend a ceiling. I understand that you want to brag about how you did it yourself, but please hire a professional and then lie to your friends.”

As of press time, rescuers were able to bore a hole into the rubble wide enough for the men to escape through but were waved off until the Thursday Night Football was over.

5 Early Versions of Classic Rock Songs That Were So Bad, Aerosmith Was Forced to Record Them

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

Classic rock is so canonized in our hearts, minds and hour-long Rock Blocks on FM radio that it’s easy to forget they didn’t come from nowhere. In fact, many of the most famous songs in rock ‘n roll came from what are honestly pretty shitty demo tracks. And when those terrible songs are bad enough, Aerosmith steps in to snatch them up! For example:

“Dream On”
Aerosmith’s debut single, originally released in 1973, actually has its roots in an old Delta Blues song called “Ain’t Dreamin”.” The original authorship of the song is up for debate, as every notable blues performer from Son House to Muddy Waters emphatically denied having anything to do with it. But in the heady days of the early 70s, the Toxic Twins turned it into an electric hit that we never want to hear again!

“Crazy”
Mostly remembered for a music video that uncomfortably sexualized frontman Steven Tyler’s 16-year old daughter Liv, “Crazy” was actually based on a concerto discarded by 18th-century Italian composer Antonio Salieri. Reportedly, guitarist Joe Perry won a scrap of parchment in an auction after bidding while extremely drunk, only to find a few half-assed notes from Mozart’s supposed rival.

“Dude Look Like a Lady”
The original version of this Aerosmith classic was actually just Lead Belly taunting or possibly coming on to a male recording engineer between takes. Led Zeppelin, Bob Dylan, and The Moody Blues all reportedly passed on it due to the fact that it was four seconds long and not actually a song.

Eventually, the recording worked its way down the table scraps chain all the way to one Steven Tyler. In retrospect, Tyler considers the decision one of the wisest in his career. “The song never cracked the top ten here in the states, but I’m told it still gets heavy play in Transphobia, which I think is in Europe.”

“Love in an Elevator”
Aerosmith ripped off a melody being hummed by an elevator repairman after being forced to take the stairs at Geffen Records headquarters. By all reports, the repairman was pretty tone-deaf and insane.

“Back in the Saddle”
“Back in the Saddle” was once described by Stephen Collins Foster, the father of American music, as “my greatest mistake.” The writer of songs like “Oh! Susanna” “Camptown Races” and “Beautiful Dreamer,” reportedly was so depressed by what he had created, he abandoned music forever. He died destitute in 1864, and over one hundred years later, Aerosmith shamed him once again with a #38 Billboard chart showing.

Grandma’s Vinyl Collection Kinda Makes Her Look like a Poser

Posted on by Rockie Wenrich

CHICAGO — Local young couple Brandon Brentwood and Jade Long discovered that Long’s grandmother is just trying way too hard after going through her vinyl collection.

“We were going through her records, and I’m just like, fucking Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Rumors?’ ‘The White Album?’ Who is she trying to impress?” said Long. “Like, we get it, you listen to oldies but come on, dude. I used to really respect her back when she would, like, make banana muffins for me and taught me how to crochet and shit, but now I’m just like, you’re a poser, dude.”

The grandmother, Ethel Briggs, was reportedly confused and disheartened about the events.

“Well, since the happy couple is moving into their own apartment soon and my granddaughter and her boyfriend seem to really enjoy records, I thought it’d be fun to take them through my collection of albums from back in my heyday. I mean, who doesn’t love ABBA’s ‘Gold’ album, right? Back from my days of disco,” said Briggs, brushing the dust off of a first press edition Crosby, Stills and Nash record. “They didn’t seem to want any of them, though. They mostly just stared at me and scoffed, and a couple of times they were filming the records on their phones and giggling. I’m not really sure what it was all about, but it looked like they had some fun.”

Boyfriend and self-proclaimed vinyl “expert” Briggs has hope for the matriarch, despite her “cringe Zeppelin phase.”

“I mean, she’s just a total beginner. She’ll for sure get more interesting music as she gets more into collecting, but for right now, she’s just got the basics. Give her a couple more years,” said Brentwood. “I mean, when I first started I was out here listening to ‘Abbey Road’ too. Now I’ve got the score of the 1984 American sports film ‘The Natural,’ which just signifies a little more finesse. She’ll get there one day. At least she doesn’t have a suitcase Crosley.”

Long has stated that she will be giving her grandmother a call when she stops getting all her records from Urban Outfitters.

Review: Dead Kennedys “Frankenchrist”

Posted on by Kevin Tit

Each Sunday, The Hard Times travels back and reviews a notable album from the past. This week we look back on the 1985 album that landed the Dead Kennedys in a courtroom defending themselves against an obscenity charge, “Frankenchrist.”

In a post-Trump America where our Democracy can once again fall apart in silence without liberals caring enough to make a huge stink about it, I’ve been taking the time to revisit albums that remind me of the dark underbelly that continues to thrive at the core of this country. Music that reminds us of people like the random guy I saw rocking a ‘The ‘South Will Rise Again’ hat at a Sheetz near Roanoke, VA who unapologetically sneezed in his hands before touching all the different soda lids.

“Frankenchrist” is a classic punk rock album that does an excellent job of detailing the state of mainstream America back in the thick of the 80s through excellent songwriting and production. A state not much different than that of today with songs like “This Could Be Anywhere” detailing common themes from the middle of the country that most of us might recognize. Such as the friend whose dad worships the police yet stockpiles a criminal amount of weapons just in case they ever come for him. I mean, if you’ve never had your friend’s dad pull out at least six guns to show you every time you came over then do you even live in America?

I’m not even joking. This guy would pull out some of the craziest stuff I’ve ever seen. Double barrel handguns, automatic rifles, multiple grenade launchers, you name it. His basement looked like a military bunker and he was not shy about showing it off. This one time, during my buddy’s 15th birthday party his dad showed up wasted and thought it’d be funny to shoot the flames off the candles. It was pretty terrifying and he actually ended up accidentally shooting the family dog. The only reason he wasn’t arrested was because his best friend was the sheriff.

I don’t really keep up with that friend too much these days but I did see a photo of his dad on a recent FBI wanted poster for his involvement in the January 6th Insurrection. Some things just never change and “Frankenchrist,” an album released almost thirty years ago, is a stark reminder of that truth.

SCORE: All in all, the art rules and the songs kick major ass. I’m going to give this record a full six out of six rounds in the chamber.

/**/

Tesla Robotics Team Instructed to Develop Replacement for Grimes

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

PALO ALTO, Calif. — Scientists for Tesla’s robotics team have reported that recent requests from senior management indicate that they are more than likely being instructed to build a new girlfriend for CEO Elon Musk.

“Out of nowhere, top brass drops this memo on us saying we’re supposed to stop everything and work on something they’re calling the Cybernetic Living Artificial Intelligence Robotic Eros project, or C.L.A.I.R.E for short,” noted confused scientist Bryan Henderson. “Plus, we’re getting all these questions and requests for updates from Elon himself, like: ‘can it have a French-Canadian accent?’ or ‘can we give the voice a lisp?’ I didn’t think much of it until he asked about its ability to play synth-pop. By that point, I started to put two and two together.”

Officials for Tesla have dismissed the rumors of Musk using his company to build a replacement for Grimes as ‘the woke media picking on a successful and outspoken CEO’ again.”

“Is this a serious question? Just take a look at Mr. Musk and ask me again if he needs to build his own girlfriend,” a spokesperson for Tesla remarked. “Perhaps there might be some similarities between Ms. Boucher and Project CLAIRE, but I assure you those are merely coincidental. Even if they weren’t, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s building a sex robot! That’s just ridiculous, ok? Maybe he just found Grimes to be interesting and thought everyone else would too. Elon Musk can have any entity he wants! Understand?”

Financial analysts and other observers have been at a loss for how the latest development from the sometimes controversial company will affect its long-term financial standing.

“Tesla stock has been known to move based on Musk’s actions and tweets, but with this, we’re just in completely uncharted territory,” said Wired’s Jason Higgins. “I guess if anyone had the means and mentality to build themselves a robotic partner it would be him, so this kind of tracks. But at the same time, potential investors might be put off by what’s essentially nothing more than a high-tech blow-up doll. So, I guess what I’m saying is I have no fucking idea what exactly is happening here.”

Higgins closed by stating that in the worst-case scenario, Musk could “probably just sell the robot to Kayne West or something.”

Confused Groupie Sleeps with Dead Sound Guy

Posted on by Natalie Vinh

SEATTLE — Local amateur groupie Sarah Pepper is reportedly horrified after accidentally sleeping with the deceased body lying behind a local bar’s PA system.

“I thought he was a part of the band,” confessed a very upset Pepper. “He was hanging out next to all the sound equipment, at the very least I was certain he had some connection to them! I mean, we were flirting all night — anytime I started to talk he would just look kind of in my direction and not say anything. Did I miss some signals there or something? He acted like every guy in a band I’ve ever met in my life, how was I supposed to know he was dead?”

The body has since been identified as 37-year-old Ben Lockhard, who was in fact a sound engineer before his untimely passing.

“He would’ve loved this,” said Will Stem, a close friend of the late Lockhard. “To know he got railed by a hot chick who thought he was part of the band? Fuckin’ incredible. This is almost better than the time that new bartender accidentally brought him a free pizza because she thought he was the owner. It ended up being that he was just 20 years older than everyone else in there that night, but a pizza’s a pizza. What a fucking legend.”

Jim Danes, the owner of the bar Lockhard’s body was discovered in, appeared confused when asked about the situation.

“There’s a body in here? Where?” Danes asked. “No fuckin’ way. If there was a dead body in here, I’m sure I would’ve seen it. I run a tight ship around here. And that pile of pigeons in the upstairs corner doesn’t count, anyone could have missed those. But no, I haven’t seen Ben in a couple of days. Why do you ask?”

At press time, Pepper had since moved on to attempt to seduce a merch guy for a free T-shirt, who was revealed to be a scarecrow leftover from a recent Halloween party.

Heartbreaking: This Kid’s Hero Is His Dad

Posted on by Constantine Platanias

When 10-year-old Jackson Tolbert’s teacher told her students to write an essay about their “hero,” she expected most of them would choose athletes, action heroes, and Instagram influencers, all successful figures in their own right. That’s what made it so heartbreaking when Jackson wrote his essay about his dad.

Talk about lame! Apparently, this 11-year-old boy didn’t get the memo about smashing the patriarchy, especially when the patriarchy is a dude in his 40s with three roommates!

Mrs. Schwartz reacted to the choice with nothing short of disgust. “It’s horrible. This poor child could have chosen anyone, and he chooses his dad who he only sees on weekends? Seriously, a hero? He’s 5’6.”

“The worst part is that the other children have been mercilessly making fun of Jackson, and I can’t interfere because they are 100% legit right.”

Jackson’s teacher isn’t the only one broken up over the child’s tragic choice in hero. His mother, Julie Newman, was devastated upon reading her son’s essay.

“This can’t be right. His dad? For God’s sake, he’s a 45-year-old man who’s taking acoustic guitar lessons! Why couldn’t he have just chosen Batman or Goku or the fucking Marlboro Man? Anyone other than that mediocre little shit!”

Jackson, bless his little heart, couldn’t understand what makes his dad such a pathetic hero.

“We have so much fun whenever I stay over at his apartment,” said the naïve 5th grader, too young to understand just how much of a loser his father is. “He makes the best chicken nuggets, he can almost play an F chord and when he gets sleep from too much grown-up juice I get to watch whatever I want on TV! I can’t wait to hang out with him again!”

Thankfully, this sad story has a happy ending. When Jackson’s mom showed Jackson’s essay to the judge, he revoked his father’s visitation rights and even ordered him to perform 100 hours of community service. You go, judge!

Punk Makes Surprisingly Good Case for PT Cruiser as Counter-Culture

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

EUGENE, Ore. — Local punk Randy “Dirty Randy” Lopez made a surprisingly well-thought-out and articulated case for the Chrysler PT Cruiser as a counter-culture icon, according to sources.

“My friends give me a lot of shit for driving a PT,” Lopez said while applying a NOFX sticker to the back of the 2002 Cruiser. “But you know what? There’s nothing as counter-culture as rejecting group-think mentality, even from those who reject mainstream music and politics. To stand apart from others by realizing that loyalty or rejection of material shit is just another way dominant culture entraps us in it, that’s really doing your own thing.”

“Also, this baby gets great mileage,” Lopez said, slapping the roof of the vehicle. “And that’s a step towards carbon neutrality. Nihilism is not punk.”

His mother, Tracy Lopez, was familiar with her son’s stance on the 2001 Motor Trend “Car of the Year.”

“He’s always loved that Cruiser, ever since I upgraded to a Honda CR-V last year and gave it to him,” Lopez said. “And he’s been talking up the PT as being ‘the flagship vehicle of anticulture and a deep symbol of personal independence’ for months now, whatever that means. But I guess he’s getting pretty good at it, because he used to just angry cry whenever his little pals would call him ‘Mom Punk.’ Like that’s a bad thing.”

Chrysler executive Ronald Zellner appreciated the argument Lopez was making.

“We here at Chrysler are always open to a new market of consumers,” Zellner said. “While we’ve never considered ourselves all that punk, youth culture has always been a great resource to tap into, regardless of their reasoning or self-justifications. That said, our marketing team does plan on using his case in a national advertising campaign for the All-New P2 Cruiser without any acknowledgment or compensation to him. Which is actually very DIY of him or whatever to not sell out.”

As of press time, Lopez was loading the eight-CD changer in the Cruiser’s trunk and formulating a defense of Garth Brooks.

10 Episodes of The Simpsons That Predicted the Future

Posted on by Jerrod Kingery

According to some fans, “The Simpsons” has predicted numerous future events, including the election of Donald Trump and a tiger attack of Siegfried and Roy. Here are 11 lesser known moments from classic episodes in which the jaundiced first family of Springfield predicted the future.

“Stark Raving Dad”

This heavily-hyped episode featured an uncredited Michael Jackson as a mentally unwell character spending a concerning amount of time alone with a young boy. And it accurately foretold how willing a whole generation would be to overlook the heinous crimes of artists just because he made a pretty funky zombie song one time.

“Last Exit to Springfield”

Dr. Joyce Brothers’ joke about bringing her own microphone to a “Smartline” taping is eerily similar to the origin story of Dr. Phil McGraw, who started his career as a sack of rancid ham brought to life by a magical lav mic, thus giving Oprah someone to bounce her bullshit off of.

“Marge vs. The Monorail”

This episode, written by a pre-”Late Night” Conan O’Brien, was cited by “Monorail Conductors of America Quarterly” as the sole reason every monorail conductor across the nation now wears a dashing cape.

“Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire”

You were 10 years old when this episode first aired and you couldn’t stop talking about “The Simpsons.” Now, here you are, in your early ‘40s, and you used the word “cromulent” in a work email before dedicating a whole weekend making a “Steamed Hams” meme video. You’re a broken human being because of this show.

“Treehouse of Horror IV”

Disgraced former President Richard Nixon, who served on the “jury of the damned,” would die 6 months after this episode first aired. And, wouldn’t you know it, he received a jury summons his very first week in Hell.

“El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer”

Perhaps not “predicted” so much as “inspired,” but after this episode aired Johnny Cash got absolutely zooted on 5 alarm Texas chili peppers and then spent six months dressed as a fox and galavanting around a desert harassing bald men.

“A Milhouse Divided”

In 2012, scientists in the Netherlands published findings that the most accurate visual representation of dignity was indeed an amorphous blob with several jagged lines in its lower portion.

“Trilogy of Error”

In this episode and in real life, Linguo IS dead.

“Homer’s Enemy”

While this episode is best-known for the tragic character of Frank Grimes, it also seems to predict the rise of the above- and below-bowling alley housing trend that appealed to so many Millennials during Barack Obama’s first term as president.

“The Italian Bob”

This season 17 episode didn’t record because everyone’s DVR was full, so no one has actually seen it. This worldwide phenomenon would go on to predict how no one has watched any new Simpsons episode the past 16 years.