Jezebel Writer Can’t Wait to Ruin Succession For Everyone

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — Jezebel writer Cara Olson has reportedly been ‘methodical’ and ‘giddy’ in her attempt to find something problematic about the critically acclaimed HBO series, “Succession,” sources close to the writer claimed.

“With critics and fans alike vocal in their love of the dark comedy, I naturally could not pass up an opportunity to find something to get this show canceled in every possible way,” the Oberlin graduate gleefully stated. “I am going to rip this show a new asshole, believe you me. I’ve been watching every episode obsessively looking for any minor slip-up. If that fails to net any results, I’ll just do some reading between the lines for microaggressions that aren’t actually there or something about representation. But I assure you, fans’ days of watching ‘Succession’ guilt-free are numbered.”

Editors at Jezebel fully endorsed Olson’s endeavor, saying it steers close to the site’s mission statement.

“We abandoned any pretext of actual journalism long ago in favor of putting out pointed takedowns of hot button issues in order to drive up the clicks, so this is just good business sense,” per a spokesperson for the site. “We’re certain that Vice and Buzzfeed are already working on something similar, so we need to stay ahead of the curve. It’s not about putting out thought-provoking or engaging content, it’s about playing devil’s advocate just for the sake of it. If there’s something out there that everyone seems to enjoy, we’ll do anything possible to put a stop to it.”

“Succession” producers offered only a tempered reaction after learning that the web-based news site took a slanted interest in the series.

“Well, critics are going to have their say on the show, but I’m not sure what this is exactly,” said series creator, Jesse Armstrong. “A huge part of the show’s appeal is our satirical take on dysfunctional families and American capitalism. I guess that’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I don’t think we’ve done anything that’s crossed any sort of lines? Compared to some of the other shows HBO has done, I think we’re pretty milquetoast in terms of problematic content. Just because this writer doesn’t like the show doesn’t mean other people can’t like it. I mean, Jesus, I hope that’s the case.”

Olson could not be reached for further comment as she was now critiquing “Dune” for its refusal to address the connections between spice and big pharma.

Tucker Carlson Cites “Nazi Punks Fuck Off” as Early Example of Cancel Culture

Posted on by Tony Morse

WASHINGTON — Fox News host Tucker Carlson used the 1981 Dead Kennedys song “Nazi Punks Fuck Off” as one of the first examples of cancel culture and bias against traditional conservative views, multiple aging viewers confirmed.

“Hearing this grotesquely un-American song filled me with shock and horror I haven’t experienced since Barack Hussein Obama entered our White House,” the Republican standard-bearer said with disgust. “Viewers of this program know the left is obsessed with cancel culture, and this song uses expletives to disenfranchise people who like to start fights at shows. If they can cancel Nazis, they can cancel you, kidnap your children, and drink their blood. This song might appeal to AOC and her social justice warriors, but those of us who love this country have authentic punk bands like Brutal Attack on our playlists.”

And if the Democrats know what’s good for them, they should remember what made a band name like Dead Kennedys possible in the first place,” Carlson added before cutting to a commercial break for blood pressure medication.

Tucker’s fans applauded his defense of their right to say and do whatever they want without any consequences.

“Somebody has to talk about these Satan worshiping globalists who are trying to destroy this country’s age-old traditions of being white and Christian,” said local school board candidate Tyler Martin. “You won’t hear what Tucker says on other networks, because you-know-who owns them all. Last week at work my supervisor told me to take the Auschwitz Summer Camp pin off of my uniform because he doesn’t want the local press catching any more Sheriff Deputies wearing those, but I call bullshit. It’s because of that Dead Jello song. This band needs to be boycotted before it gets worse.”

Tucker’s analysis was not without critics.

“This legendary punk song is still triggering fragile little Nazi snowflakes forty years after its original release,” added local scene vet and Anthropologist Dr. Patrick Donaldson. “It’s always the same shit with these assholes. Bullies until someone speaks up, and then they cry about getting cancelled. But ideologically speaking, Nazis want to literally cancel everyone different from them. Telling Tucker to fuck off isn’t the same, and all of humanity would benefit if he did.”

At press time, Carlson happily showed proof of vaccination to enter the Fox studio before comparing vaccine passports to Gold Star of David patches.

Workaholic? This Minimum Wage Worker Has Two Jobs!

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Did you hear about Death Metal Dave? Yeah, he got ANOTHER job. Ever since he slammed on a lame-ass frontside boardslide on the flatbar at the skatepark and got that compound leg fracture, Dave’s become such a workaholic. He’s like the Glengarry Glen Ross of minimum wage food service, and I am here for it.

Dave’s dedication to his jobs is insane. Last weekend, he didn’t even have a birthday party because he worked a late shift at the bar, opened at the bagel shop, and then worked another double at the bar. Talk about putting your career first! I mean, take a day off, dude! Your birthday is way more important than the racks you’re stackin’.

News flash–you should have a healthy work/life balance! That said, I really hope Dave buys some new shoes before injecting all his money directly into his stock portfolio. Those Chuck Taylors are older than his iPhone 6, but Dave’s probably too focused on hobbling up the corporate ladder to pay attention to how fashionable his feet are.

Dave’s always doing the most on socials, too. You should check his Instagram story out if you ever need a little extra #mondaymotivation. He’s always talking about his career like, “If I don’t work, I can’t live,” and “I can’t afford to have a day off.” He usually records his videos in a break room or on the bus between jobs since he can’t drive with his busted leg yet. Dude’s a maniac.

If I go a week without some quality time at the beach with my homies or going on a fancy dinner date with my girl, I lose my mind. Not Dave. That dude is all work and then more work and sometimes physical therapy because I guess a compound fracture requires ongoing medical attention.

I DMed Dave about taking a trip to Cabo or the Keys if Mr. CEO can pry himself away from his two jobs for a week or two this spring. Mr. Overachiever left me on read for a couple days before saying he was thinking about delivering for Uber Eats as a third job when he can drive since his car isn’t new or reliable enough to carry passengers.

Honestly, I don’t see how constantly working, traveling between jobs, eating vending machine dinners, and sleeping three to four hours a night is healthy. Dave clearly is addicted to work, and I hope he gets the help he needs.

World’s Longest Traffic Jam Caused by Ska Band Attempting to Recreate “Abbey Road” Cover

Posted on by James Knapp

LONDON — American ska band Big Potatoes recently caused the worst traffic jam in UK history while attempting to incorporate every band member in a photograph paying homage to the classic Beatles album “Abbey Road,” confirmed infuriated officials from the Department of Transport.

“A lot of people probably won’t get this, but the Beatles have actually been a pretty big influence on us. So while we’re here on our first UK tour we figured why not do a silly little thing and get a nice picture. I know it’s kinda touristy but once we figure out how to fit our third tuba player in there it’s gonna look awesome,” said guitarist Kenny Rellit, apparently unaware of the utter bedlam being caused by the band. “Yeah, it’s taking a little longer than expected to get the shot, but no worries. We won’t quit until we make the shot happen, we checked Google Maps and there is a pretty big holdup on the roads around here for some reason so our gig is probably gonna start late anyway. It’s kinda nice how that just worked out.”

Motorist Chelsea Froomstell detailed her experience in the gridlocked traffic.

“I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’ve been emptying out and reusing the same pee bottle for six days now,” explained a visibly frayed Froomstell. “I was just trying to pick up my kid from daycare, but now I can’t be sure I haven’t slipped into some purgatorial alternate dimension where I’m doomed to melt into my car seat. Is any of this real? And, if I don’t make it out, will the daycare consider adopting Skyler? I’m afraid he’s already forgotten about me.”

Longtime Abbey Road crossing guard, ninety-eight-year-old Alvin Oliver, explained the street’s history of traffic disruptions.

“I’ve been tending this zebra crossing since back when the fab four first snapped the album cover and in the process pissed off the entire passengry of that double-decker bus they held up,” said Oliver, over a cacophony of increasingly irate sounding car horns. “Now the chaps in this latest band, they got a few more trumpets and triangle players than I usually see, but I’ll keep these autos out of the walk until they get their photo. I just hope they figure it out soon. I don’t know how much longer I have left on this mortal coil.”

At press time, Big Potatoes members enlisted Oliver to actually take the photo, and had begun the arduous process of explaining to the nonagenarian how an iPhone works.

5 Forms of Existential Dread That Keep Me From Needing an Alarm Clock

Posted on by Robert John Scucci

I’ve always found it strange that people need a device to beep them awake. Partially because that sounds like such a harsh way to start your day, but mostly because they’re able to fall asleep in the first place. Lucky fucks. Here are 5 forms of existential dread that render my need for an alarm clock, and sleep itself, utterly pointless.

I am absolutely baffled as to how all of you psychopaths can actually sleep through the night undisturbed.

Waiting For My Direct Deposit – I don’t know about you, but I postdate all of my bills electronically. If I wake up at 2 am on Friday and that direct deposit isn’t fresh, then I know I have some damage control to do when the sun comes up. Next thing you know, you’re balls deep in late fees, and then you bounce a check for cereal at the grocery store.

Imagining All of the Ways My Family Could Die – Look, we’re all getting older and death is creeping up on all of us. Plus, I have two young kids of my own which means if it’s quiet for more than 2 hours in my house, it’s safe to assume that somebody’s either dead or kidnapped. So this is the point in the night where I sneak into my kid’s bedroom and gently slide my finger under their nose to make sure they’re breathing. Once I have completed this extremely healthy checking behavior, I can breathe a sigh of relief and log onto Facebook to see if any of my friends are dead.

Delayed Release on the Last Edible I Ate – I figured those gummies would have kicked in by dinner time, I’d peak somewhere in the later evening, and then I’d mellow out by my usual bedtime which is typically between 1 and 9 am. It’s not my fault that I’m bug-eyed and swerving my ass off while fused to my bed in a form of sleep paralysis wishing I was physically and emotionally able to get up for a glass of water.

Coming to Grips With My Own Aging and Mortality – I pinched a nerve in my neck three months ago while brushing my teeth and I couldn’t turn my head without extreme pain. Well now we’re in a new fiscal quarter and I still sleep with an ice pack. We are all cows marching to the slaughter.

Quietly Imagining That There’s Somebody Standing Outside My Bedroom Window Waiting For Me to Fall Asleep – Honestly, I don’t know why I do this. I should probably stop.

Friend Only Vegan When it’s Inconvenient for You

Posted on by Courtney Baka

BETHESDA, Md. — Local resident Emily Spencer suffered through yet another flavorless meal when friend Darrien Thomas announced that he could only go somewhere with vegan opinions, despite self-describing as a “flexitarian.”

“I picked him up and he says that he’s down to eat anywhere as long as they have ‘something he can eat,’” lamented Spencer. “But of course he didn’t know of any good vegan options in the area so we had to spend the next 45 minutes pulling up menus on our phones. Eventually, we find this crusty little place in what seemed to be an abandoned shoe shop. By that point, I was so hungry I could have gone for an old shoe, especially if it was leather.”

Things did not improve for Spencer once the meal arrived, however.

“I’m pushing around this sad little plate of lentils or something, and Darrien starts going on and on about this beautiful charcuterie board he ordered for his boyfriend’s birthday,” she recalled. “He kept describing these ‘naughty’ prosciutto and gruyere tarts that he keeps making and how sometimes you have to spoil yourself. I just about reached over the crumbly garbanzo meatballs and strangled him. If he’s gonna pretend to have dietary restrictions he can do it on his own time from now on.”

Lifestyle promotors who think major dietary changes might be for you support Thomas’s choice.

“Breaking veganism is one of the key tenets of being a vegan,” explains Instagram model and vegan lifestyle coach Miranda Colby. “Being a vegan is great for the environment, good for your body, and most importantly, makes you look better than those around you. But have you tried this stuff? It sucks. You have to eat real food from time to time. It’s just important that you not do that on your own time, so as to inconvenience others in social settings. You need to remind them that both you and your time are worth more than theirs, at every opportunity.”

When asked for his thoughts on last Thursday’s dinner Thomas replied that he “loves having dinner with Emily” as she’s “so flexible and willing to try anything. I really think I’m on my way to convincing her to go vegan.”

We Interviewed the Wrong Jethro Tull but Now We Know How To Make Crank in a Washtub

Posted on by Dan Rice

Getting to interview rock legends is bar none the coolest perk to being a music journalist. When a chance to interview Jethro Tull fell on my lap I was ecstatic. I wasn’t a fan of theirs by any means. I could only name two songs off the top of my head, Aqualung and… I forget the other one. But I’ve totally heard of them and it seemed like a sure-fire way to make my dad think I had a real job. It was an excitement that lasted all the way until I got on the plane and looked Jethro Tull up on Wikipedia to prepare for my interview.

It turns out that’s not even a guy. It’s the name of a band that doesn’t even have a “Jethro” in it, which is confusing as all get out, frankly. But more importantly, who the fuck was the Jethro Tull I was about to interview in Oregon?! The guy on the phone very clearly identified himself as one Mr. Jethro Tull, not a representative of the collective Jethro Tull.

Jethro sounded a little out of his mind over the phone, truth be told, and the direction he gave to his “compound” sounded shady as hell. I had chalked it up to rockstar craziness at first, but under this new lens, it sort of felt like regular person craziness? Oh well, an assignment is an assignment.

We arrived at the compound, a 10 acre square of what used to be a farm where nothing would grow anymore because, according to Jethro, “dung dirt got the devil in it boy, yehehehehe!” He was full of sayings like that, and it scared the fuck out of us. It seemed that every 20 yards or so in any direction on the property there was an old rusting vehicle or machine of some kind with a really mean dog chained to it.

After spending way too long and getting way too much pleasure out of telling us what any one of those dogs would do to us if we were stupid enough to get close, Jethro ushered us to the tool shed where “the magic happens.”

We were hoping to glean some insight into the band’s controversial 1990 Grammy win for best metal album. Instead, we learned how to produce “the finest high octane peanut butter washtub crank this side of the equator,” a skill that, if Jethro is to be believed, can net us over $1000 a year if we “play our cards right and watch our intake.”

We wound up having a lot of questions for Jethro, but before we could get into that a fleet of vans came barreling in our direction, and before I knew it Jethro was throwing shotguns at us screaming, “duck and cover time boys!”

Long story short, shit got real Green Room real fast, and after my photographer buddy was brutally murdered by… I think Czechnyans? Either way, I got the fuck out of there. Toby, you were one hell of a photographer and an amazing frie… Locomotive Breath! THAT was the other Tull song I know. It just hit me!

‘Beyond Butterfly,’ Musical Featuring the Songs of Crazy Town, Closes on Opening Night

Posted on by Alicia Hawkes

NEW YORK — Broadway’s newest jukebox musical, “Beyond Butterfly,” featuring the music of early 2000s rap-rock band Crazy Town, opened at the Winter Garden Theatre on Saturday night before immediately closing.

“With this musical, we hoped to show the sonic artistry of Crazy Town outside of just ‘Butterfly,’” said executive producer Elliot Masterson. “It’s a sprawling epic following 17 different characters on their quests for fame, love, and star tattoos in Y2K-era Hollywood. But the audience was not happy. Almost everyone demanded refunds, even people with comped tickets. Evidently, people would have preferred an empty stage with ‘Butterfly’ playing over the loudspeakers. It was short-lived, but meant a lot to me and the crew.”

Audience member Clair Fischer, who found her ticket on the floor of a gas station bathroom and decided to attend out of “morbid curiosity,” doesn’t think song selection was the problem with the play.

“I made the choice to go, so I’m not going to ask for a refund. But now that I think about it, wasting two hours of my life just to snap a three-second video of some guy singing ‘come my lady, come, come my lady’ was a pretty poor use of time,” Fischer recalled. “My issue with the whole thing is just…why? Why did this happen? Someone rented lights to make this thing happen, that just upsets me.”

Two other “Beyond Butterfly” attendees, Cheryl and Ron Delaney of Oklahoma City, reported neutral-to-almost positive experiences.

“I don’t know what Crazy Town is but we’re in New York for our 50th anniversary and I wanted to see a Broadway show. It was a little strange but after a few glasses of champagne I had a nice time,” said Cheryl Delaney. “Ronnie here is more of a Kottonmouth Kings guy, but they did give us a coupon for a free chocolate muffin from Gristedes, so that’s kind of nice.”

Masterson said that given the scope of the failure he will not attempt to mount the production again, and will instead begin work on his next project, “Why Can’t This be Love?” a musical featuring the music of Gary Cherone-era Van Halen, set to open on Valentine’s Day.

Veteran Still Traumatized by Terrifying Memories of Navigating VA Benefits System

Posted on by Dianne Nora

INDIANAPOLIS — National Guard veteran Katy Hawkins is reportedly still suffering from traumatic memories of attempting to navigate the benefits owed to her by the United States Department of Veterans Affairs.

“I came home in 2015, but the disturbing visions of endless paperwork and delayed payments still keep me up at night,” said Hawkins, one of an estimated 550,000 veterans currently living in Indiana. “And I know I’m not alone. So many of the men and women I served with, when we get together, all we can talk about is the nightmares of convoluted forms submitted online that never get responses, or the frightening sound of email notifications from seeing disability or health benefits rejected because we forgot to sign or initial a form. I’m one of the lucky ones, because I can talk about it, but I know on some level I’ll never be the person I was before filing a VA claim.”

Veterans Service Officers, or VSOs, are tasked with helping vets access their benefits, but many say they struggle with under-funding and a lack of responsiveness from VA administrators.

“When I started as a VSO, I was earning less than $30,000 a year, and that salary was after working for the military for two decades,” said Hal Whittington, a VSO and Airforce veteran. “To live on that, I had to bartend at night, and like a lot of vets, I turned to alcohol myself to dull the pain of the administrative red tape I was putting these guys through. When I first joined the VA, I knew the pay was shit and the hours would be hard, but I thought we were going to be making a difference, making the world a little better. Now, after seeing thousands of people I couldn’t help, I wonder if it was actually the right decision to go in in the first place.”

Some prominent conservatives, including former President Donald Trump, suggest that privatizing the VA could make these programs more efficient.

“Right now, the Veterans Administration has a massive, completely bloated budget. It’s plagued by inconsistency and bureaucracy, and yet, it’s not reaching nearly its full potential in enriching the shareholders of private corporations,” said Senator Jerry Moran, the Ranking Member of the Veteran Affairs committee in the US Senate. “If you look at other parts of our defense budget, they manage to inflict substantial damage, rack up huge costs, and still pad the bottom lines of the ultra-wealthy, and there’s just no reason the VA shouldn’t be able to do the same.”

At press time, Moran said that he was proposing legislation that would offer one lucky unhoused veteran shelter for twenty-four hours in observance of Veterans Day.

We Sat Down With the Guy Who Had Like a Whole Fuckin’ Beard in 6th Grade

Posted on by John Danek

Genetics is a roll of the dice, especially during puberty. Some of us developed early. Some developed late. The only commonality was that we all developed in an incredibly awkward fashion. Well, except that one guy. Seemingly every single middle school had that one dude who could inexplicably grow the beard of a middle-aged HVAC repairman with three kids at home, despite being only like fuckin’ 12. Meanwhile, some of us can still barely muster a patchy monstrosity despite letting it grow out for nine months at a time.

We caught up with Mr. Mature Suave Manly Man himself: our 6th-grade beard guy.

The Hard Times: Please state your name and what brewery you work at.
Beard Guy: Uhh, my name is Brandon and I actually work in IT. Is that some kind of joke? I don’t work in a brewery.

Sure you don’t, Braxton. Why don’t you cut the shit already? You think you’re better than me?
Woah, where is this hostility coming from? I thought we were cool. I still hang with your brother from time to time. I thought this interview was supposed to be about beard maintenance.

Just because some of us are follicly-challenged doesn’t mean you get to walk all over us and bang our girlfriends, Brenden.
I’ve been married to my wife since we were both 23 so I genuinely don’t know what you’re talking about. Are you ok? I’m a great listener if you have something you need to get off your chest.

That’s the problem, Bryan! I don’t have anything on my chest! No hair whatsoever. I’m a hairless, smooth freak! And you walk around with a big dumb smile on your face like life is great, just plowing every virgin who tosses themselves your way.
I’m starting to think you have a skewed view of how the world treats people with beards. You should see a therapist.

That’s easy for you to say! You can probably reach into your beard and pull out hundred-dollar bills to pay your therapist.
That doesn’t even make sense. Is that a stereotype of people with beards? That our facial hair produces money? Look, I’m just gonna head out.

Just let me touch it, Borat! I want to feel a beard. Come here. Don’t run! LET ME TOUCH IT.