BETHESDA, Md. — Local conservationist Martin Sinclair vowed to stop drinking water in order to offset the environmental impact of his constant use of AI tools, virtuous sources confirmed.
“Everyone knows that AI wastes a tremendous amount of water,” said Sinclair, executing a quick ChatGPT prompt to confirm his facts. “And as someone who needs to use AI platforms to do my job, get my news, draft my emails, form my opinions, generate my entertainment, customize my pornography, and be my therapist, that weighs heavily on my conscience. That’s why I’ve sworn to cease all of my water consumption — no drinking, no bathing, no laundry, and I will be eating my pasta dry. We only have one earth, and I intend to do everything I can to protect her.”
Megan Ortiz, a friend of Sinclair’s, confirms the seriousness of his convictions, but is less than happy with the results.
“Martin was annoying enough when he was just spending 10 hours a day generating AI content, but now that he stopped drinking water he’s even more insufferable,” Ortiz stated. “He made a big show of sending his water back to the kitchen at lunch the other day, before showing the waiter a five-minute AI video of Garfield breakdancing. He’s always criticizing me for my energy usage and frowning when I wash my hands, and he won’t stop sending me typo-filled AI infographics about rainforest depletion. But I would forgive all his AI slop and obnoxious moralizing if he’d just take a fucking shower.”
Sinclair’s stance is one that is supported by the AI industry, according to Christian Golesh, founder and CEO of the artificial intelligence systems company Aurelium.
“As a leader in the AI space, I take the environmental impact of our platforms very seriously,” said Golesh. “Our data centers require quite a bit of water, and obviously there’s no way to cut back on that without jeopardizing our stock valuation and the broader global market. So instead we’ve instituted a company-wide ‘green pledge,’ removing all sinks and air conditioners from our offices, limiting our employees to 6oz of hydration per day, and encouraging people around the world to limit their water intake. It’s on all of us to help preserve this beautiful, delicate AI bubble.”
At press time, Sinclair had reversed his stance and begun drinking water again after an AI chatbot told him that concerns over data center water consumption were overblown.
