Bullying Teens Cause Man to Improve Self in Every Way

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

LAS CRUCES, N.M — Several local teens mocking adult man Terry Rothstein at the Mesilla Valley Mall have inadvertently caused him to work to improve himself and his life in every conceivable way, according to sources.

“I was minding my own business at the pretzel stand, wondering whether I should get another side of caramel dipping sauce when these really spiteful, but accurate teenagers started making fun of me,” said Rothstein while doing jumping jacks at his local gym. “Just really laying into my clothes, the way I walk, loudly guessing how much I make and the last time I had sex with a frightening degree of accuracy. I knew I had to improve myself if I ever wanted to survive that again, so I picked up where I left off on the last 2-week shred I started and stopped after two days.”

Alan Guzman, a friend of Prescott’s, was surprised but supportive of his abrupt upward shift.

“It’s weird how some teens busting on his Dillard’s bag was the thing that made him start to get his life together,” he said. “But I guess it’s for the best. I heard he got a promotion at his job after nailing a big presentation, and I’ve honestly never seen him look this good. He used to wear exclusively Tommy Bahama shirts, rain or shine, but after those teens apparently called him a “Jimmy Buffett-looking sprinkle boy,” he threw out his entire wardrobe.”

“Dude’s training for a marathon now,” Rothstein said. “Must have been some real mean kids.”

Behavioral psychologist Dr. Martha Carter has been aware of the transformative power of teenage mockery for some time.

“Ill-spirited teens are much more perceptive than we give them credit for,” said Dr. Carter. “From narrowing in on their mothers’ deepest insecurities to making a high school teacher second-guess their entire choice of career, to making some schlub like Mr. Rothstein put down the goddamn froyo for once in his life, their incredibly hurtful commentary is enough to make any grown adult think twice about existing in public.”

As of press time, the teens in question were heard screaming insults at us as we were walking away and pretending to be reading something on our phones in an effort to avoid making eye contact with the leader.

5 Sexy Veterans Day Ideas in Case You Want To Have a Really Sexy Veterans Day

Posted on by Dan Rice

Veteran’s day is a somber holiday in which we honor all who serve or have served in the U.S military, living or dead. It is an annual reminder that whether their service was in a time of war or a time of peace, the brave men and women who dedicate themselves to the protection of our great nation deserve recognition and gratitude. It is not inherently a sexy day, but, let’s change that?

We checked the algorithm, we crunched the numbers, and apparently this is what you people want. Kind of weird, but, okay, no judgement. Here are some ways that you can sexualize Veteran’s day if, for whatever reason, you are wont to do that.

Sexy Stolen Valor
We all love to dress up, I guess. So, if you and your partner want to dress up in military uniforms, the same uniforms worn by the brave men and women who put their life on the line to protect your freedom, before absolutely going to town on one another, knock yourselves out.

Make Out To Saving Private Ryan
Steven Spielberg’s WW2 epic is perhaps the greatest war film of the 1990s, and according to many veterans who lived through the great war incredibly accurate in its depiction of what soldiers back then were really like. From the jaw-dropping opening of the carnage at Normandy to it’s more contemplative character studies it is a truly engrossing film on many levels. But if you want to play tonsil tennis and finger bang each other while it’s on, like, you can. Go for it.

Hey, you’re weird, you know that?

POW Role-play
Okay this is just… ugh, why are you like this?! This is insanely disrespectful and will probably get super problematic but yeah, you and your partner could play out a POW torture camp fantasy, sure.

Fuck On The American Flag
Why not? Why the fuck not you goddamn animals?! Fine! If you want to pay tribute to our nation’s service men and women by going to pound town all over the symbol that they fight and die for, be my fucking guest!

Go Swinging At Your Local VA
Honestly, if you’re into swinging, this is solid advice any day of the year, that place is basically a hookup scene.

Report: Women Who Date Men Over 40 At Risk of Exposure to Pennywise

Posted on by Dianne Nora

WALTHAM, Mass. — A recent study published by the New England Journal of Medicine found that women who date men over the age of 40 are at increased risk of exposure to the punk band Pennywise.

“We hope our study will help women everywhere gain an awareness of certain early symptoms of Pennywise exposure. If not treated immediately, Pennywise can spread quickly,” said Shivani Carty, one of the lead researchers. “In one case, we found a 25-year-old had been subjected to ‘About Time’ from her 43-year-old partner as late as 2021. By the time she sought treatment, the condition had metastasized beyond music to long shorts, visors, and a complete loss of taste, which her physicians expect will be irreversible.”

Pennywise founder and lead-singer Jim Lindberg was not surprised by the study’s findings, acknowledging his awareness of increased risk for certain demographic groups.

“Pennywise attracts people who aren’t afraid to buck convention, free thinkers and free spirits, so it doesn’t surprise me that guys over 40 who are still single might be drawn to us,” Lindberg said. “Nothing says fuck the establishment like dating a younger woman, or rocking a soul patch for two to three decades. I like to think that visionaries like Einstein and Leonardo da Vinci or Dane Cook would have listened to Pennywise, and those dudes definitely fucked. Society puts all this pressure on men today to conform, but Pennywise fans know better.”

“Our fans are not going to suddenly settle down and live in the suburbs, unless that’s where their parents’ basements are, and we’re not going to even remotely change up our sound from the last twelve albums just because society tells us to,” he added.

While researchers are hoping their findings will lead to early intervention, some experts fear that this might only excite the Pennywise fans.

“There’s a particular mania associated with Pennywise fandom that leads those afflicted to defend the group vociferously, and at great length, to anyone within earshot. Because men in their 40s are already susceptible to loudly speaking over others, the combination can be especially potent,” explained Max Poole, an epidemiologist who focuses on pop punk clusters. “One Pennywise fan began defending the band when they were kicked off the Vans Warped Tour Show in 2001. He has not stopped speaking since. The woman he was speaking to died from exhaustion.”

At press time, Carty added that researchers were also hoping to study Pennywise fans in their teens and 20s, but no such fans have been found.

The Hard Times Sexiest Man Alive 2021

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

We asked and you voted! Meet The Hard Times Sexiest Man Alive 2021: Slimy the oppossum!

At 2-and-a-half years old, Slimy has been through the wringer, and still can’t believe he was your pick for the absolutely hottest and most doable man on Earth. “Most people scream at the sight of me, so you can imagine my surprise when someone from The Hard Times knocked over the trash can I’m living behind to let me know I swept this whole fucking thing,” said Slimy, of the much-anticipated announcement. “I bet now everyone will think twice before waving a broomstick in my face or scream about ‘having to move’ when they see me eating a bag of dried beans in their garage. 2022 is looking real good for Ol’ Slimy.”

Slimy expects his life to change dramatically upon being bestowed with the honor and expressed his gratitude in a manner that could not possibly be described as “humble” in any sense of the word.

“Actually though, I know I said I was surprised, but now that I think about it, how could it have been anyone else? You really think some scrawny fuckhead in a Carhartt beanie has a sexual energy that can rival this?” Slimy explained while making a V with two of his weird small fingers and flicking his tongue in it despite begging him to stop and even leaving the room twice. “What’s the prize money situation for this thing anyway?”

Anyway, congrats to Slimy, we guess. We look forward to seeing what kinds of sexy adventures he’ll get into next year assuming he doesn’t get hit by a car or shot with a BB gun while rummaging for old banana peels.

Stay tuned for the results of our reader’s poll where we’ll reveal your top pics for “Hottest Guy Sitting in For the Real Merch Guy While He Runs to the Bathroom Real Quick,” “Thirstiest Roadie,” and “Most Embarrassing DM That Was Screenshotted and Shared Without Even Scribbling the Sender’s Name and Pic Out First.”

Honestly, though, we really do wish you all took this thing seriously, there are way more deserving people in the scene, and now Slimy will not stop pitching us the shittiest headlines. We had to create a fake email account for him to send them to because he was clogging up our inbox. Thanks for nothing. 

Dom Too Tired To Walk Sub Around House on Leash Tonight

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

ATLANTA — Local sub Darren Payne was rebuffed by his partner, Anthony Clark, in his request to be bound, gagged, and forced to walk around the apartment on all fours wearing a leash, the ‘just really tired’ dom reported.

“The firm’s just been slammed lately, so I’ve just been completely drained,” Clark reported while half-heartedly spanking Payne. “Nothing turns me on more than when we do our naughty puppy roleplay, I’m not the kiss and tell type, but he rides me like a Harley Davidson and it gets just as loud. Hopefully he wasn’t too disappointed when I suggested we just pop a bottle of wine and catch up on the Bake-Off. It’s kind of like preemptive aftercare, if you will.”

Payne offered his assessment of the situation through a mask with his Sir’s permission to speak.

“I guess I was hoping that since it was Friday, maybe he’d have a bit of a second wind to rawdog the hell out of me, but c’est la vie,” Payne remarked. “Usually he can’t resist the pup mask and jock strap, but work must really be beating down on him, which is supposed to be the job he does for me. Hopefully, this weekend we’ll have time to break out the swing or maybe the two-headed dildo. This dry spell is starting to get to me.”

Associates of the couple were also quick to note the recent change in the couple’s coital habits.

“Yeah from their many unsolicited comments, I take it Darren and Anthony fuck a lot,” noted friend of the couple, Bryan Davis. “They always tell us about whichever new position or toy they are trying. Sometimes they tell us a little too much, I think. But last night, Darren mentioned they hadn’t slept together in a few days. I mentioned I haven’t had sex since prior to the pandemic and he just sort of dropped it.”

At press time, Clark agreed to secure the nipple clamps on Payne if he’d just leave him alone for 20 minutes.

Joe Rogan Fan Pretty Open-Minded To Everything Joe Rogan Believes

Posted on by Cory Cousins

NORFOLK, Va. — Local man and self-proclaimed “Roganite,” Connor Patterson, admits to being open to a variety of expert opinions and science facts, as long as they are endorsed by Joe Rogan, Patterson’s mushroom coffee supplier confirmed.

“I have a thirst for knowledge and it seems the best way for my brain to be quenched is through hours of listening to guests on the ‘Joe Rogan Experience,’” said Patterson while taking CBD tincture and receiving an intravenous vitamin drip. “I opted to not take the COVID vaccine, because I’m young, healthy, and am heavily involved in amateur MMA. Unfortunately, I didn’t ingest enough Vitamin D and I contracted a nasty case of COVID after I entered a back alley jiu-jitsu tournament. It sucked, but with Joe’s guidance, I went to my local alternative medicine shaman, and he hooked me up with a dozen boxes of Ivermectin tablets. Now, I’m proud to say that I’m COVID-free, and only have intermittent nausea/vomiting, balance issues, the occasional seizure, and a bizarre craving for hay.”

Longtime friend Amy Nguyen remembered a different version of Patterson before he became infatuated with Rogan’s podcast.

“When we were in college, Connor was actually pretty well-read and highly skeptical of pseudoscience quackery,” noted Nguyen. “But ever since he started listening to Rogan, he just sends me unsolicited audio clips of disgraced doctors via Facebook messenger, which support fortune cookie philosophies and memes with bullshit motivational quotes like, ‘Haters are all failures,’ and ‘Be the hero of your own story.’ Yuck, just saying that made me cringe.”

Known virologist and infectious disease expert, Dr. Ishanvi Banerjee, was available for comment regarding the outspoken podcast host’s influence.

“Isn’t he the guy who used to dare people to eat spiders and deer penises on television?” asked Banerjee. “I wish he would stop speaking into microphones. I can’t tell you how many times patients ask me to prescribe hydroxychloroquine, Ivermectin, or even DMT. I respectfully dismiss their ideas, and then they tend to take their shirts off and challenge me to a fight. I usually just order sodium chloride tablets and tell them that they have ‘brain-enhancing, psychotropic effects.’ That generally pacifies them.”

Following a lengthy administration of supplements and infusions, Patterson “agreed to disagree” about seeking knowledge outside of Rogan’s set of mantras, and ended the interview abruptly, as his sensory deprivation tank was done warming up.

7 Patriotic Signs and Symptoms You Have the Freedom Flu

Posted on by Freelancer

So you’re feeling a bit under the weather after a recent motorcycle rally. Should you take a Covid test? Why bother! Those tests are about as accurate as the results of the 2020 presidential election. Plus, they are literally made of 1,000 tiny microchips in the form of a nasal swab–I heard about it on Parler!

Besides, have some pride in potentially catching the Freedom Flu. That’s right, we’re taking it back! There is nothing more American than being diagnosed with a preventable, potentially deadly illness because you chose not to get vaccinated or wear a face diaper.

It is your God-given RIGHT to get sick, cost the (deep state) healthcare system thousands of dollars, and downplay the disease’s severity if you survive. That is what our founding fathers fought for!

So, how can you tell if you’ve earned the Freedom Flu? Don’t worry, fellow patriot, we’ve got you covered. This comprehensive list of signs and symptoms will help you determine if you’ve joined the ranks of millions of Americans and contracted this badge of honor.

1. Courageous Coughing
The first sign of Freedom Flu is a cough so persistent, you couldn’t even stop if someone said “the next person who coughs hates Jesus.”

2. Tenacious Trouble Breathing
Does every breath feel like a struggle to you? Are you gasping each inhale like you just heard your child’s school is teaching critical race theory? This may be a sign of Freedom Flu.

3. Spreadeagle Sore Throat
Remember how sore your throat felt the day after you spent 5 hours screaming at a Trump rally back in 2016? Well, the Freedom Flu feels a lot like that, and is just as ‘Murican.

4. Fearless Fever
Much like our troops, this fever will NOT STAND DOWN, no matter how many things you throw at it. But unlike our troops, your AR-15 is no use in this battle. Maybe horse medicine will help? If it’s good enough for Dr. Joe Rogan, MD, PhD, and Nobel Prize-winning scientist Aaron Rodgers , then it’s probably worth a shot!

5. Boldly American Body Aches
If every muscle in your body feels like your suped-up F150 (with Truck Nutz) just drove head-on into you, that could be a symptom you’ve come down with the sickness.

6. Proud Parosmia
Did you lose your sense of smell? Well, yeehaw brother, because that’s a pretty solid sign your immune system is partying with Freedom Flu. Time to turn on some Morgan Wallen, crack open a cold one, and not drink it because it smells like rotten sewage and tastes like shit now.

7. Democracy Death
Holy hell, did you rack up so much Freedom Flu that you actually died!? Well good on you Christian soldier! It takes the tried-est and truest American patriot to succumb to pure freedom and complications of pneumonia. Now for your eternal reward, first dibs on the best seats in heaven before the rest of us get there after the rapture!

Touring Band Adds Last Minute Stop in Memphis to Take Dump on Way from Nashville to Dallas

Posted on by Krissy Howard

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — Touring band Dwight Zombie made a last-minute stop in Memphis early yesterday afternoon for the sole purpose of relieving their bowels before immediately leaving for Texas, according to sources desperately trying to book them a show while they were in town.

“We just played Nashville the night before and were planning to drive straight through, but the city was calling us and we knew we had to stop and show some love,” said guitarist Becky Hale. “The latte I had earlier must have used some bad milk or something and those porta-potties on the side of the highway apparently aren’t public bathrooms. We ended up getting some good pics of our drummer Ryan (Carthage) pretending to piss on that Bass Pro Shop pyramid, though, so it was worth the 25-minute delay.”

Rural punks and small-town scene kids within two hours of the city were disappointed to learn the band had promptly departed.

“I saw on their IG live that they were headed to Memphis, and was so psyched to see someone was actually playing a show nearby,” said Greenville, Mississippi resident Dee Hamilton. “By the time I got outta work an hour later they were already halfway to Little Rock. Next time I’ll just drive the two hours to Memphis and fly to Nashville or take a few days off work and drive down to New Orleans. If spending $400 and three sick days is what I need to do to see a band that kind of sucks, then so be it I guess.”

Overlooked cities experts confirmed that the choices made by the band are not uncommon.

“There’s no shame in living in a lesser-traveled city or area, and it comes with a ton of benefits, but in the area of live music proximity, we always get fucked,” explained Wichita resident, Dylan McKee. “We in the community know this move as ‘The Portland Dilemma,’ which has been known to heavily affect cities like Birmingham, Alabama, anything in Texas below Austin, and the entire part of the country where people can’t tell if they’re looking at Wyoming or Ohio on a map.”

UPDATE: The band made a last-minute decision to just endure bladder infections rather than stop anywhere in New Mexico on their way from El Paso to Phoenix.

5 Adorable Photos of Celebrities and Their Pets To Continue Distracting You From Finding a Therapist

Posted on by Heather Cook

It’s clear: You need to find a new therapist like your life depends on it. Possibly literally. Yet here you are, distracted once again by the whims of celebrity clickbait. Sure, it’s not super hard to find a therapist. One simple ZocDoc search and you’re basically done. But the dopamine hits from scrolling through endless photos of famous people and their pets is basically as good as therapy, plus you don’t have to process all that stuff in your past.

Thanks to the unquenchable thirst of celebrity narcissism, you’ll have so many pets to look at, you’ll never need to find a therapist!

Dan Levy and His Capybara – You were just about to start your online quest for a new therapist when suddenly you found yourself staring at this jaw-dropping photo of Dan Levy and his Capybara. Is it even legal to own one of those as a pet? Probably not, but you’re wasting a lot of time trying to find out. Time you could have wasted searching for a therapist

Reese Witherspoon and Her Donkey – Crippling social anxiety from months of quarantine? Self-diagnosing yourself as depressed? Suddenly realizing you might be a nihilist? These are all blatant signs that it’s time to look at this precious photo of Reese Witherspoon and her donkey. Surely you can suffer a little longer for the sake of this cuteness!

Michael B. Jordan and His Kitty Cat – By now you could have made a long list of therapists to call, but instead you’re drooling over this salacious photo of Michael B. Jordan and his pretty little kitty cat. Therapy costs money, but this adorable distraction is totally free, baby!

Dua Lipa and Her Bearded Dragon – You used to think reptiles were slimy and gross before you saw this charming picture of Dua Lipa giving her bearded dragon a kiss. About five minutes ago you were contemplating whether life is even worth living anymore, but now you’re blissfully distracted and forget why you even sat down at the computer in the first place.

Zendaya and Her Kangaroo – Alright, enough is enough. Look at you. You’re covered in candy wrappers and you’re no longer sure which of these half-drunk wine bottles is the “fresh” one. You should seriously schedule a therapy appointment ASAP. Your family and friends are worried about you. But, since you’re here, enjoy this final picture of Zendaya and her kangaroo. Now, get to work!

New iPhone Predictive Text Feature Generates Excuses for Why You Can’t Go to Friend’s Show

Posted on by Dianne Nora

CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple’s newest iPhone operating system, iOS 16, includes a predictive text feature that allegedly recognizes when the user is being invited to a friend’s show and generates excuses for why the user will not be able to attend, according to sources within the company.

“Apple has always been about connection, but also innovation, and our newest iOS feature is a major disruption to everything we know about connecting to those we love most. I’m excited to announce: iCan’t,” said an elated Tim Cook, practically giddy as he presented the new feature at an Apple keynote. “How many times have you been guilted into a live performance of the art your friend has dedicated their life to, unable to come up with an excuse why you couldn’t attend quickly enough, when what you really wanted was to stay in and watch Apple TV’s first-rate programming? You’ll never have to lie to your friends that their set totally killed again. Why? Because you’ll be home, on your couch, where you belong, thanks to iCan’t.”

Alba Cassidy, one of the lead designers of the new feature, insists it offers more than pre-canned excuses that the recipient might recognize as lies.

“It was really important to me that we took advantage of the region’s most plentiful resource when developing iCan’t: narcissists,” Cassidy said. “We’ve enlisted the flakiest, most self-absorbed technical engineers and coders from all across Silicon Valley to generate these unique excuses in real-time. The lies they can generate are so soundproof, users in the beta stage sometimes began believing the excuses themselves.”

Joyce Haley, a tech analyst, explained how the feature functions from the user’s perspective.

“First, the feature goes into triage mode to assess the threat level of the event — is it across town? Is there a hefty cover fee? Is this a contact who only hits you up to see their shows? If any of those are spotted, a red flag icon appears, and you just tap on it to send iCan’t into gear,” she explained. “At first I was skeptical, but I tried it on with a friend’s set last week, and the excuse was so solid, she apologized to me for bringing it up when I have so much going on, and texted me the next day to see if I needed anything. I was just planning to take an edible and watch Squid Game, but if I’d gone to the show, I would have had to put pants on. iCan’t saved me.”

At press time, Cook was using iCan’t to get out of a summons to testify in Congress regarding the Judiciary Committee’s antitrust investigation.