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How Dare You Accuse Me, a Straight Man Who Paints His Nails, of Misogyny

Hey girl. Hey! I almost didn’t see you over the reflection from my nails, which are painted midnight black, as you can see. I could hear your very shrill voice though, calling out to me. What? You really think I’m a misogynist? Is it because of the super funny joke about Roe V. Wade I told my boys at the bar? Either way, I’m here to let you know that is impossible. Did you not notice my fingernails?

Maybe your female brain couldn’t make the connection, but my nails are painted. With fingernail polish. Like chicks do. I’m clearly in touch with my feminine side so I know a thing or two about how females think.

What’s with all the hostility? Not to gaslight you, but you came up to me and started this conversation. Also, you said you’d buy me a drink. I’m thinking whisk- ahh, haha. You almost got me. I’m a chick’s kind of guy, as you may recall from my nails. I’ll have a vodka cran.

Seriously shut up, I fucking love women. Especially pretty ones. Because I’m straight, remember? Don’t forget that.

Damn you’re such a wet blanket. I might have even invited you back to my place to listen to Lil Peep and chill. I would have paid for your Uber home too. Guys without painted nails wouldn’t do that, ya know.

Okay well it seems like you’re pretty mad at me for whatever reason so I’m gonna bail. Is it your time of the month or something? I know that can make women irrational. You saw my nails, right?

Oh, so now you’re just gonna ignore me? Whatever, screw you then. I never even wanted to talk to you or your lame-ass friends. I’ve got like 5 Hinge matches who are way hotter than you waiting for my “u up” text tonight. And unlike you, they appreciate sensitive, manicured men like me.