BUTLER, Pa. — All early signs are revealing that new human being Emery Lloyd is not a badass in any capacity, his disappointed family reported.

“It’s brutal to watch- he freezes and cries at the top of slides no matter how small they are,” admitted Emery’s disappointed father Marcello Lloyd, who is considered by many to be a badass due to his impressive motorcycle collection and aptitude for skydiving. “Yesterday, things took a turn for the worse when Emery hid behind the couch from his sister Bella’s Lego Bowser. I can’t have a kid afraid of his own shadow crying to ‘The Lion King’ in school in front of his classmates. I gotta teach him to laugh at Mufasa’s death just like I did.”

Emery’s mother Bianca Lloyd confessed that her original plans to raise their children in an open, emotionally vulnerable environment is being challenged.

“I want to raise my kids exactly the opposite of how my cruel Boomer parents raised me, but Jesus Christ kid- you gotta give me something to work with here,” said the frustrated mother of three, who recently had to pick Emery up from daycare when another child’s sneeze frightened him awake from a nap. “I read up on all the new progressive, modern methods of child-rearing like encouraging your children to feel their feelings. But at a certain point, the crying is so pathetic as to become annoying. So recently I’ve fallen on my parents’ methods of telling him a scary clown will move in under his bed if he doesn’t shut up. It unfortunately works.”

Childhood psychologists are actively researching methods and tweaking recommendations for raising a namby-pamby, weakling of a child.

“It’s a topic we don’t commonly discuss, but some kids are just pitiable wimps, and that presents unique challenges to parents,” said Dr. Minerva Reza, founder of Pittsburgh’s Child Psych Institute. “While we think that the wimp trait is genetic, it can often be mitigated with training, such as frequent exposure to horror movies and sleepovers at the bad kid’s house down the street. While child wimps sometimes grow out of it, they often grow up to become bootlicking Republicans or people who call 911 on the homeless.”

As of press time, Emery’s parents have begrudgingly confirmed that the child has finally spoken his first word: “scared.”