WASHINGTON — In light of mounting pressure from several global conflicts, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth led top Pentagon officials in prayer seeking blessings from The Boondock Saints, Pentagon insiders confirm.
“Alright, I’m gonna ask everyone to hold hands, but not in a gay way! Anyone holding hands in a weak, LGBTQ manner will be dismissed immediately,” began Hegseth to his staff, adding “You know what? Skip the hand holding, we’re not girls. As you all know, the bible is an incredibly important part of my warrior ethos. I would like you all to join me in reciting this important passage. ’And shepherds we shall be, for Thee, my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee And teeming with souls shall it ever be. In Nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sancti.’ Leviticus, 13:12. May the Saints of Boondock be our guiding hand!”
Officials present for the prayer meeting found the proceedings to be hollow and uninspiring.
“Yeah, he pretty clearly thinks the Boondock Saints are actual saints,” confided a top Pentagon official who chose to remain anonymous. “Also we looked up Leviticus 13:12 and it’s nothing like that, it’s just like a mandate for treating leprosy. This is like when I first expressed hesitation over attacking Iran and he just recited The Litany of Fear from Dune, or, as Hegseth called it, Luke 20:16. That man is not well”
The official reported similar incidents of Hegseth’s performative and wildly inaccurate quotings of scripture.
“His first meeting of the Chief’s he opened with ‘God Grant me the power to change what I can, and the serenity to kick ass.’ He then attributed the quote to his favorit book of the bible, The Book of Eli. We all know Pete doesn’t know shit about the bible, but is he even watching these movies?”
At press time Hegseth was meeting with his top spiritual advisors, Troy Duffy and Harvey Weinstein.
