PURGATORY — The afterlife faced a major shake-up after the Angel of Death was placed on administrative leave for his failure to kill GOP Senator Mitch McConnell, sources confirm.
“We’d been building a case against McConnell for decades, and this was my one opportunity to put him away for good. I mean, he’s 81 years old and already sort of looks like he’s decomposing. I thought a fall from any height would kill him. This is what I get for not going by the book and just indiscriminately reaping his soul right there on the spot,” said Death. “Now I have God and Satan on my ass for not bringing him in, and as bosses go they’re pretty vindictive. I’ve had a good track record, so I’m hoping to go back to work soon and they don’t reassign me to the Pets Department. It’s morbidly soul crushing, even for me.”
Senate Minority Leader McConnel, still recovering from his fall, reminisced on the numerous instances he nearly escaped Death and its brethren.
“The boys in black have been trying to pinch me for years now, but one thing they forget is that us Kentucky boys are slippery. The one thing Santa Muerte, Yama, multiple Scottish Banshees all have in common is that they all came at the king and missed. When you are surviving on pure spite and hatred, you’re practically untouchable,” said McConnell while grinning maniacally. “Still, I can’t blame Death for trying to do his job. Maybe he should spend his time off thinking about how letting me repeal Obamacare will make his job a lot easier, and he won’t bite the hand that fucking feeds him.”
The afterlife’s top brass are still fuming after Death’s public blunder and scrambling to save face.
“We spent countless hours on this operation and Grim pissed it all away in two seconds. All he needed to do was push Mitch down the hotel stairs, crack his head open, and he’s off to eternal torment. But no, he just trips and falls with a goddam concussion. What’s the point of issuing him a scythe if he’s not going to use it?” said Archangel Ananiel. “We had to bench Death for optics, even after his amazing work these last three years with the pandemic. But we can’t have civilization out here thinking we’re a bunch of limp-wristed psychopomps here to gently ferry souls to the afterworld. This is the big leagues, where we rend souls swiftly and severely.”
As of press time, Death was informed he would be let back on the force on the condition that he could finally bring in Henry Kissinger.
As the foremost source of punk rock journalism, rules are almost sacred to The Hard Times. Which is why we are unable to include posthumous compilation “Etc.” and live recording “Live 4/30/96” in our definitive ranking. Look, we know it blows. I mean, you’re telling us that “Kiss the Bottle” never made it onto an album? And are these really the best recordings we have of “Gemini” and “For Esme” – they sound like the band was playing a set in an abandoned tractor factory. Well, whatever, they’re both good albums. But since they aren’t studio releases we guess they can both fuck off. Sorry, Jawbreaker. Maybe this will finally get you off your fat asses and back into the studio again.
One of them had to be at the bottom of the list so it might as well be “Unfun.” Most fairweather Jawbreaker fans will probably just listen to album lead-off track “Want” and be done with it. Admittedly, there is a sameness to a lot of the songs and the band hadn’t really developed completely into the dark, melodic intricacies that Jawbreaker would eventually become known for. I dunno, maybe Schwarzenbach just hadn’t started mainlining Kerouac by this point. But still, “Unfun” remains the cornerstone of what 90’s pop-punk would become.
True story: “Chesterfield King” was the first Jawbreaker song I ever heard. I thought it was so darkly romantic. I remember being drunk at a party when I was eighteen and singing it to this girl that I had a huge crush on and then later that night I lost my virginity to her. Unfortunately though I was a shithead and a relationship never progressed and I fucked things up and now I’m left with a bittersweet memory of what could have been.
I strongly considered placing this album at number one, and not just because I thought it would give me a lot of hate comments on Twitter to have to deal with. But because this is one of the most complete works of art to encase heartbreak and depression that has ever existed. Doesn’t matter how much psilocybin and cocaine I’ve been on while I was listening to it, “Dear You” is a total effort to reach the core of human sorrow. And it does. REBECCA!!!
If this isn’t your perfect record then congratulations, you have done everything right in your life. You have no health problems, your partner loves you, you don’t question your friendships – you’re killing it. For the rest of us this is Jawbreaker apex. “Boxcar” is the immediate classic, even if it does sound like it was written by an anemic eighth grader, but this whole album basically punches you in the face and kind of just leaves its fist there – and lets you feel like you kind of deserve it. It’s fair to say that if you don’t love this record then you are an actual sociopath and should probably seek therapy.
