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Oh You’re a Kid Rock Fan? Sorry We Made It This Far

Hey dude, it’s been fun chatting with you tonight during the game — I had no idea this local dive bar had cool regulars like you in it! I could always use a new beer buddy to watch sports with. Let’s exchange numbers. Put yours on my phone and I’ll call you so you can have mine.

…Wait a second, is that your ringtone? “Batwitdaba” by Kid Rock? Ironically though, right? No, you genuinely like the music of Kid Rock and all that comes with it? Well shit, this was a mistake. Maybe don’t save my number actually.

You’re probably wondering why liking Kid Rock means we can’t be friends and probably assuming I’m shallow and judgemental. Not true, except for the judgemental part. Allow me to enlighten you as to why your Kid Rock fandom makes it a FACT that we can never hang out.

Let’s start with his music. His biggest hit “All Summer Long” sounds like you told ChatGPT to get blackout drunk and write a country rock song using a 6th grader’s vocabulary.

His 2021 song “Don’t Tell Me How To Live” was so awful that listening to it almost gave me an aneurysm. “Batwitdaba” may have given me one.

And his political beliefs are even worse. I’m not gonna run through his full track record of racist and homophobic rants because we’d be here all night and I want to leave as soon as possible now, but he’s had quite a few. He also canceled tour stops at venues with vaccine or mask requirements. Plus he’s literally obsessed with the Confederate flag. Even If you relate to just a tiny smidge of that, we aren’t gonna hit it off. So let’s save ourselves time, leave, and hopefully never see each other again.

Come to think of it, I probably should have realized you were a Kid Rock fan earlier. Somehow it didn’t register when you walked up and said “You never met a motherfucker quite like me.” I just thought it was kinda random, like you wearing a dress hat and sunglasses inside the bar. Your sleeve of Norse tattoos is definitely looking more suspicious now that I’m seeing it in the light. Yeah, let’s pretend this never happened.