PURGATORY — The afterlife faced a major shake-up after the Angel of Death was placed on administrative leave for his failure to kill GOP Senator Mitch McConnell, sources confirm.
“We’d been building a case against McConnell for decades, and this was my one opportunity to put him away for good. I mean, he’s 81 years old and already sort of looks like he’s decomposing. I thought a fall from any height would kill him. This is what I get for not going by the book and just indiscriminately reaping his soul right there on the spot,” said Death. “Now I have God and Satan on my ass for not bringing him in, and as bosses go they’re pretty vindictive. I’ve had a good track record, so I’m hoping to go back to work soon and they don’t reassign me to the Pets Department. It’s morbidly soul crushing, even for me.”
Senate Minority Leader McConnel, still recovering from his fall, reminisced on the numerous instances he nearly escaped Death and its brethren.
“The boys in black have been trying to pinch me for years now, but one thing they forget is that us Kentucky boys are slippery. The one thing Santa Muerte, Yama, multiple Scottish Banshees all have in common is that they all came at the king and missed. When you are surviving on pure spite and hatred, you’re practically untouchable,” said McConnell while grinning maniacally. “Still, I can’t blame Death for trying to do his job. Maybe he should spend his time off thinking about how letting me repeal Obamacare will make his job a lot easier, and he won’t bite the hand that fucking feeds him.”
The afterlife’s top brass are still fuming after Death’s public blunder and scrambling to save face.
“We spent countless hours on this operation and Grim pissed it all away in two seconds. All he needed to do was push Mitch down the hotel stairs, crack his head open, and he’s off to eternal torment. But no, he just trips and falls with a goddam concussion. What’s the point of issuing him a scythe if he’s not going to use it?” said Archangel Ananiel. “We had to bench Death for optics, even after his amazing work these last three years with the pandemic. But we can’t have civilization out here thinking we’re a bunch of limp-wristed psychopomps here to gently ferry souls to the afterworld. This is the big leagues, where we rend souls swiftly and severely.”
As of press time, Death was informed he would be let back on the force on the condition that he could finally bring in Henry Kissinger.