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10 Ways to Impress Your Wife’s New Boyfriend

Welp, it looks like your wife’s new boyfriend is here to stay. And obviously, as long as Greg’s going to be hanging around your house, eating your Frosted Flakes, and pleasuring your wife, you’re going to want to get on his good side. Here are 10 surefire ways to impress him:

Show Him Your Sweet Karate Moves

You spent the summer learning those moves to protect your Funko collection from burglars, but now you and your wife have got a big strong protector in Greg. A good way to impress this alpha is to show him the leg sweep you taught yourself from YouTube. Be careful you don’t knock over a lamp again and Greg will be putty in your hands and might show you how to lift weights if you ask nicely.

Laugh at His Jokes

Is Greg funny? Sort of. Are you the punchline of most of his jokes? Undoubtedly. Are you going to laugh your ass off every time he tries to be humorous? You bet your sweet bippy you are. After all, the way to a man’s heart is through his funny bone, and what better way to impress your wife’s boyfriend than showing you can laugh at yourself when Greg and his bros are making fun of your life while playing poker in your garage and you’re serving them drinks?

Bad Mouth Her Previous Boyfriend

Even though you believed you had gotten close to Andre, your wife’s ex-boyfriend, after they split up he stopped returning your calls. This makes it easier to talk shit about him to Greg every chance you get. Try to forget that Andre bought you a Nintendo switch and gave you noise-canceling headphones for when he was plowing your wife. Instead, point out that he wasn’t as tall as Greg and didn’t satisfy your wife sexually the way Greg does.

Beat the Water Temple in Ocarina of Time for Him

I know this is a big ask but Greg got stuck on this level and can’t continue the game. This is it, baby, your big chance to make a good impression. Grab the controller, put on your iron boots, and beat the hardest video game level of all time. This level has broken controllers, minds, hearts, and spirits. But you’re going to beat it, hand Greg the controller and say “Enjoy the water medallion, buddy,” and he’ll say, “Thanks Mark,” even though that’s not your name and you’ve told him your name multiple times.

Show Off Obscure Facts You Found Online

Did you know the last guillotine execution in France occurred the same year  “Star Wars” was released? Well, maybe Greg doesn’t either. Spend some time online compiling interesting facts about the world and drop them into conversation when you can. Try to think of yourself as the little bespectacled kid in Jerry Maguire who charms his mother’s boyfriend with facts and quirk only in your case it’s your wife’s boyfriend and you’re the little weirdo that sleeps at the foot of their bed.

Eat an Entire Rotisserie Chicken

Nothing says I’m also an alpha male than taking an entire rotisserie chicken down in one sitting. Imagine it: While your wife and her boyfriend enjoy a candle-lit dinner, you’re hovering over the sink just going hell for leather on that roast chicken. Leave a bone or two so he knows what’s what before he carries your wife to your bed as you clean up their plates and blow out the candles.

Send Him Dank Memes

The danker the better. Nothing is more impressive than a man in his early thirties with a folder on his desktop labeled Dank Memes full of the hottest meme action stolen from Reddit and Twitter. If he laughs at the one where Rick Sanchez is the Joker then he’s a keeper for your wife.

Get a Tattoo Dedicated to Him

You thought Andre was the one, and to get his attention/approval, you got a full back tattoo of his face. Alas,  Andre wasn’t meant to be. But you’ve got a good feeling about Greg. So good you got intense, painful laser treatment on your back and once it heals and the swelling goes down it’s a blank canvas for a tattoo of the Mona Lisa with Greg’s face. Classy but personal.

Buy Him a Twitter Blue Check

The status symbol of the 21st century, a blue twitter check mark will show that your wife’s boyfriend has a Twitter account worth reading. Yes, he only retweets Babylon Bee articles and writes under Elon Musk tweets with comments like “Good one, sir” and “DM me for a great Tesla idea” but with a blue tick by his name people will know he’s bona fide and that you, as his girlfriend’s husband, are pretty alright too.

Raise his Child as Your Own

It was apparent pretty quickly that the son you and your wife welcomed into the world was not your biological offspring, which is great considering your family’s history of heart trouble and an ailment doctors call rubbery spine. You’ve decided the only right thing to do is to raise the child as your own against the protests of your father, mother, society, Facebook friends, and the results of a post on Reddit. Greg Jr. is, on paper, your child and that’s just the way it’s going to be.