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How I Upgraded My Life by Committing a Crime in Sweden and Going to One of Their Nice Ass Prisons

Like many of you, I used to sit in my drab apartment and dream of moving to Europe, the land of affordable train travel, relaxed attitudes towards casual nudity, and rampant alcoholism. Well, friends, I’ve cracked the code.

Keep reading to learn how I moved to Sweden for at least the next 3-5 years. Maybe longer if I play my cards right.

It was a simple trick really. I just committed a string of felonies, or grov förbrytelses as they’re known in these parts. All I had to do was fall in with a gang of Swedish criminals and embark on a crime wave that landed me right here in Gothenburg’s own Härlanda Park prison!

My cell features 1 bedroom, 1 bathroom, a bespoke dining room set, and modern light fixtures. It also contains artwork crafted by local artisans. Furthermore, I was welcomed to the block by my neighbor, a famous bank robber named Henrik “The Swedish Swindler” Berg, who made me a wonderful dinner with fresh fish, dill potatoes, and lingonberry-coated meatballs.

Needless to say, this is a serious upgrade over my old apartment.

For starters, I would pay at least $2,500 a month for something like this in any major American City, and that’s not counting HOA fees. And since Sweden offers free higher education to all incarcerated (and non-incarcerated) residents I figure I might as well complete that marketing degree I never finished. I considered taking some Swedish classes too, but they speak better English here than anywhere else in the world, so why bother?

Sure I miss my friends and family back home, but you have to leave the nest sometime don’t you? Besides, my mom always dreamed that I would one day live in a safe neighborhood with no guns, promising career prospects, and low crime rates.

She just never thought that place would be a Swedish prison.