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5 Ways to Make International Tragedy All About You

I was standing in line at the home improvement store the other day, and I heard some narcissist going on about how they need to stop the squirrels in their backyard from fucking up their tomato plants, so I had to weigh in. “Excuse me, ma’am," I said. "It’s cute that your precious tomatoes are causing distress, but what about Ukraine? The world doesn’t start and stop with you.” When it was her time to talk, I quickly waved my hand in her face and said “my heart goes out to everybody in East Palestine, Ohio." Some people are so self-centered I often have to give twice as many thoughts and prayers to pick up the slack.

I’m so tired of having to train the general public to be more compassionate, so I’ve put together a quick list of ways you, too, can make international tragedies all about you.

Make everybody’s daily life struggles seem small and insignificant:
Has your infant had a 103-degree fever for the last six days? Here's a simple solution: hit the kid with some Pedialyte and shift gears to the Syrian refugee crisis. Is your son in and out of chemotherapy and the medical bills are bankrupting you? That's a small issue compared to Kony, who’s still at large, and hurting way more kids than the one you're worried about. I’m so sorry to hear that you got laid off, but you know who also terminated a lot of people? Hitler. Maybe you need to stop thinking locally and start thinking globally.

Make sure you continue to boycott products you never used in the first place
You know how you’ve worn Vans every day since sixth grade? Well, that’s not enough! You need to let the folks at Nike know that you’ll never wear their shoes ever again. It doesn’t matter that you’ve actually never worn a pair of Nikes in your life. What are those fat cats at the corporate office going to do? Ask for a receipt? You need to let them know that, until they correct their behavior, they’ve lost a customer.

Keep a picture of a starving child in your wallet or on your phone at all times
The next time you’re waiting for a table and your friend says they’re starving, show them what starving really is.

Blame the boomers
Listen, we all hate boomers. It’s high time that we finally show “Generation Me” that it’s actually really all about us. Just blame them and you can feel accomplished as a humanitarian.

Scoff loudly when the patron in front of you doesn’t give a donation at the register
This one’s fun. Not only can you make yourself feel good by rounding up a nickel after buying a frozen pizza, but you can also make the person in front of you feel awful for being skeptical that their money isn’t going to help anybody.