CHICAGO – Lonely woman Autumn Jones-Blackburn was reportedly trying to simulate human contact as she pulled her old hoodie out of the dryer and immediately wrapped herself in it, long-distance sources confirmed.
“It’s been a while since I’ve been held. My ex left years ago. Then there was the pandemic. Then there was my agoraphobic period. I thought this was a creative solution,” said Jones-Blackburn. “Before resorting to tricking my own body, I considered getting back on dating apps, but then I remembered the last time. I’d have flashbacks to the messages I used to get and think: Is the hoodie-out-of-the-dryer thing really worse than having a married guy send me photos of his balls? I get to feel the warmth of human contact without anyone judging me for the number of chops sticks that came with my Chinese food order.”
Her out-of-state mother, Mariam Blackburn, was already worried about her daughter.
“It’s hard being far away from your children. Autumn was always a little bit of a loner, but she told me about this on our last FaceTime, and I can’t believe it’s gotten this bad. I used to pester her for grandchildren. Then just to meet a nice boy,” said Blackburn. “Now I don’t know if I’m getting more progressive, but if she could just meet a nice anyone! A living, breathing person that can maybe keep an eye on that pile of laundry I see getting higher and higher on every call.”
Vance Munoz, a newly titled ‘Amazon Top Reviewer,’ knows the trap of tricking your body too well.
“It started for me by buying things just to occupy my time. I was bored and lonely, so obviously, I bought a lot of guitar pedals. When I realized they didn’t improve my guitar playing and didn’t fill the void, I moved on to what I believed to be more straightforward solutions,” said Munoz. “I tried everything: weighted blankets, electric blankets, hug pillows, hand warmers, thermal sox, scented candles, you name it. And I reviewed them all. Needless to say, I left a lot of one-star reviews. So I guess I only really learned how not to solve the problem. Oh, and I also learned Amazon Top Reviewer isn’t a paid gig. But now I get free samples of products I didn’t want.”
At press time, Jones-Blackburn finally accepted that Zoom invitation to her little cousin’s weekly Dungeons & Dragons campaign.
