SPOKANE, Wash. — Local man Shank Capra piqued the interest of doctors and wellness advocates by reaching typically fatal levels of dehydration without any side effects, confirmed sources.
“Well the water at my house is always browner than beer so I usually just stick to that. The bathroom has been cited by the city as ‘a low grade biohazard’ so I’ve had to cut back on peeing, other than back into beer cans,” local crust punk Capra explained, slugging from an unmarked jug of bright blue liquid. “Last time I had water was about eight months ago when I forced down a glass at my mom’s birthday dinner because the waiter said that was the only thing they would serve me. I don’t know what the fuss is about, because between Monster, liquor, and chocolate milk, I’m drinking almost all the time.”
Mike Stamper, a biologist studying mammal hydration patterns, expressed extreme concern mingled with wonder.
“It is supposed to be scientifically impossible to be that dehydrated without dying. He’s drinking less water in a year than a mouse needs for a week,” Stamper explained in between quizzical stares at a whiteboard full of notes labeled “Punk Lifespan???” “We’ve been trying to get him in for testing but every time we hand him a waiver he freaks out about ‘government mind control’ and ‘trading his DNA for missle money.’ It’s really unfortunate because he might hold the key to curing any number of diseases, many of which he probably currently has.”
Aubrey March, Capra’s neighbor, is extremely curious about the potential benefits of the no water diet.
“I’m currently consuming 50% dirty soda, 50% melted beef tallow with only enough water to choke down my two handfuls of supplements, so it wouldn’t be a big leap to go no water. I’m all about habit stacking biohacking techniques to increase my wellspan,” March relayed while preparing some kind of injectable for her face. “It really makes sense. Our water is completely toxic from the fluoride anyway. I haven’t been to the dentist in years to avoid it, and all I’ve had to do is stop eating all foods that aren’t room temperature.”
At the time of publication, Capra was seen dumping out a 10 gallon jug of water to use as a drum.
