SCOTTSDALE, Ariz. — Fender recalled a new line of guitars and basses that moan, grunt and scream while being tuned after weeks of constant complaints from customers, according to company officials.
“After careful analysis of recent feedback, we have gathered that customers don’t want to play a guitar that makes realistic moaning sounds,” said Fender spokesperson Eve Bax. “We wanted to add more positive feedback to the tuning process, but may have gone too far. Since the moment the guitars were launched customers have complained about the hauntingly realistic gasps of pain and pleasure they make have upset and disturbed guitarists of all experience levels. We’re also in the process of taking back all of the new guitars we donated to school programs.”
Along with a wave of complaints, Fender’s moaning guitars saw record-low sales numbers through Guitar Center and other music retailers.
“I walked into the music store and saw this brand new cherry red strat sitting right at the front. It had a great tone and played like a dream,” said guitarist Mandy Simpkins. “Then I try to tune the fucker, and it immediately let out this guttural, almost animalistic moaning. Like, the sound a fully-grown Moose would make while it was both dying of stomach cancer and getting spectacular head at the same time. The store went dead silent and everyone turned to look at me. I ran out crying. I’ve had constant nightmares about the sound for a week now. Thanks, Fender.”
Fender has also received complaints from a number of high-profile musicians, including Wilco’s Jeff Tweedy.
“Normally I love weird instrument shit like this. I already own one of the infamous Nord ‘Slap Me, Daddy’ Keyboards and three pairs of Tama Drum Dicks,” said Tweedy. “But the monstrosity the Fender put out was too much. It only took a few seconds of tuning for my ears to start bleeding from the moans, which are so loud that neighbors on all sides of me called the cops. I think at one point the guitar even yelled the date I’m going to die, down to the exact second. I lent it to Nels Cline and after only a few days it made him completely sterile.”
At press time, Yamaha released a statement saying that its line of snare drums tuned to slurs will be released as planned.
Photo by James Knapp.