NEW YORK — Local security guard Frank Bologna has absolutely no clue why he’s needed to work a mostly docile There Might Be Giants show at the Bowery Ballroom, confirmed increasingly bored sources.
“The minute I saw one of the band members walk on stage with an accordion pressed firmly against his torso, I knew we were in for a danger-free evening,” said Bologna while flexing his biceps to warm them up before his next shift. “The most rowdy the audience got was when the band played something called ‘Birdhouse in Your Soul.’ And by rowdy, I mean they finally unlodged their hands from their corduroy pockets and started gently tapping their upper thighs along with the beat while gingerly bobbing their heads. Long story short, no one seemed even remotely capable of physical confrontation. It’s shocking that my boss scheduled dozens of guards for this show.”
Fans of the band seemed intimidated by the staff on hand.
“My only criticism about the evening was that some of the venue sentinels were folding their arms in a very aggressive manner,” said James Triboldt while wearing two They Might Be Giants shirts because he couldn’t decide on just one. “I’m talking mean-mugging and everything. It’s like, did we do something wrong? I hope it wasn’t because I smuggled in a few homemade gluten-free vegan cookies. I knew I should’ve brought enough for everyone. Really screwed the pooch on that one.”
They Might Be Giants singer John Linnell has noticed a pattern with the bouncers at their recent shows.
“A good 75% of the security guards that work our gigs leave halfway through after assessing our audiences as a non-threat and realizing that there are probably more productive things they could be doing with their time,” said Linnell. “A fair amount of venues have even been using cardboard cutouts of security personnel near the front of the stage to strike fear into concertgoers. Seems like it has some sort of scarecrow effect. It works surprisingly well too, since the cutouts are just as realistically motionless as security guards.”
At press time, venue staff prepared for another easy night after noticing that they’d be working during Wilco’s set.