Press "Enter" to skip to content

Exhausted Christian Bale Only Gains Three or Four Pounds for New Movie Role

LOS ANGELES — A reportedly worn-out Christian Bale only put on a few pounds for an upcoming movie despite his penchant for gaining or losing an excessive amount of weight for roles, sources who pay close attention to celebrities’ body mass index confirmed.

“I used to think 90% of acting was what you put in your mouth, but recently I’ve been thinking that maybe there’s a little more to it than your daily caloric intake,” said Bale. “The second I got the role as a fictional accountant who wonders if there’s more to life than career, I just knew I had to gain 45 pounds immediately. But then I talked myself out of it after realizing I’m not 25 anymore and can’t bounce back like I used to. I wasn’t really planning on gaining any weight whatsoever, but I’m at that age where eating just one sleeve of Oreo cookies causes me to gain three pounds within the hour. Weird that I used to eat the same thing when I lost 60 pounds for ‘The Machinist’ and the weight just fell right off. Ah, to be young again.”

The movie studio was not pleased with Bale’s choice.

“It’s going to be impossible to market a Christian Bale release where he maintains a healthy BMI throughout the entire film,” said Paramount executive Taylor Glason. “He’s not even going to get unnecessarily jacked or anything. At least give us something to work with here. This is like the time we had to promote a normal-sized Bale in a film called ‘Knight of Cups’ in 2015. We didn’t even bother marketing that one, which is probably why no one’s ever heard of it.”

Hollywood insider Sheena Dower emphasized that method acting can greatly help a movie’s success.

“Audiences can’t get enough of actors who go above and beyond to prepare for a film,” said Dower. “Al Pacino famously developed a raging coke habit to get ready for ‘Scarface.’ Anthony Hopkins straight up stole and cooked up a few bodies from his local morgue in order to play Hannibal Lecter. And Arnold Schwarzenegger started exercising religiously to prepare for roles in about three decades worth of films. You’ve got to hand it to actors for their dedication to the art.”

At press time, Bale inadvertently lost three or four pounds right before filming a different movie after developing a nasty case of food poisoning.