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Enraged Ben Shapiro Challenges boygenius To Publicly Play In Battle of the Bands Against Him

WESTCHASE, Fla. — Self-proclaimed smartypants Ben Shapiro reportedly “flew into a tizzy” and demanded indie folk supergroup boygenius publicly perform in a local Battle of the Bands against him to prove that the group was really deserving of its moniker, petulant sources confirmed.

“I’m the real smartest boy around and everybody knows it. If anyone should have the name ‘boygenius,’ as well as all associated copyrights and commercial opportunities, then it should be me!” said Shapiro, currently on his fifth attempt to punch his frail little baby fist through a sheet of brittle drywall. “So I am now formally calling out the band to compete against me in this musical Thunderdome, held in the Westchase First Baptist Church gymnasium this Sunday. That will be plenty of time for this wunderkind to brush up on his sick violin chops and blow all those mouthbreathers out of the fucking swamp water.”

boygenius, though not initially inclined to respond, eventually just kind of said “fuck it.”

“I don’t know, man. At first we were all like let’s just ignore this guy – who cares about the name? But then he just kept Tweeting at us pictures of himself standing in front of Guitar Center holding a single tuning peg with a receipt and we decided we cannot abide that dude calling himself any kind of a genius,” explained Julien Baker, who is currently hitchhiking on a lonesome, windswept highway somewhere. “I wish I could say we don’t have much stake in this battle, but if I’m being honest, that bozo is going down so fucking hard. This is gonna be even better than that time I cold-cocked that guy who had the nerve to call me ‘Jules.’”

Music community members remain divided on the relevance of what some lazier media outlets have dubbed “Geniusgate.”

“I’m still pretty confused as to what exactly is going on here. Why, of all places, would they choose to do this in Florida?” questioned Pitchfork news editor Gary Sanchez. “Of course [Shapiro] hasn’t got a shot in the world – ‘The Record’ isn’t even released yet and Pitchfork already gave it a 9.4 and said it was a ‘once in a generation masterpiece.’ Still, it should be pretty fun to watch. If Shapiro’s music is anywhere as stupid as his screenwriting then this is gonna be a bloodbath.”

At press time, conservative media outlets had preemptively begun hailing Shapiro as “the next Clint Cobain.”

Photo by Gage Skidmore, Rebecca Sowell and David Lee.