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Vegan Hardcore Band Forced to Settle for Pescatarian Bass Player

SAN DIEGO — Members of the vegan hardcore band Right Side were reportedly forced to settle for a pescatarian bass player after their hunt for a replacement ended in disappointment, confirmed multiple sources currently reading the ingredients list on a box of fruit snacks.

“We were all vegan in the beginning. A bunch of twenty-somethings in a van, eating Oreos at every gas station, and knocking burgers out of the hands of meatheads,” said Ryan Burke, the band’s founding guitar player. “But some of the guys got old. Some had kids. Some just got tired of only eating french fries every night of the tour. So we couldn’t find a vegan replacement this time, but hey, Steve is a nice guy. And a pretty good bass player! I just don’t totally understand why eating fish is the hill he’s willing to die on, but I guess I can get over it. Well, he made it a point to mention he eats octopus too. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over that.”

Steve Visser, the newest member of the legendary vegan outfit, feels like he’s close enough.

“We agree on almost everything! I don’t eat chicken, pork, or beef. So what if I have the occasional piece of sashimi? It’s healthy. It makes me feel good. My impact on the planet is so much less than a meat eater. There are lots of health benefits to eating seafood, and the oceans are basically ripe for the picking as far as I’m concerned. We are all familiar with the saying ‘there are plenty of fish in the sea,’” said Visser. “And no, I haven’t seen that octopus documentary. But I’ve seen that octopus that picks games, and I’m just not that impressed.”

Aliana Dodson is the owner of a vegan co-op and is constantly running into this problem.

“If you think kids don’t want to work these days, wait until you hear about vegan kids. I find those ‘vegans have no energy’ jokes just as offensive as anyone, but even I’m starting to wonder if there’s something to it,” said Dodson just before her third nap of the day. “I used to be really into the idea of hiring an entire staff that shares the same value and morals. I just wanted to build a community driven by a mission. But these days, if we can just see eye to eye on the morality of not stealing Swedish Fish from the checkout aisle, I’ll settle for that.”

At press time, the band was putting on another episode of ‘This American Life’ after no one could agree on what doom album to listen to.