Joshualevinson, Author at HARDTIMES

Tony Stark Announces Plan to Reverse Climate Change with Big Honkin’ Laser

Posted on October 11, 2020 by Seth Finkelstein

NEW YORK — Billionaire industrialist Tony Stark announced a proposal today that would solve the ongoing climate crisis by shooting a big ol’ honkin’ laser at the planet, sources say.

“As Iron Man, I’ve saved the world from forces that would destroy our world using only my sweet-ass lasers and the occasional missile,” Stark said, standing next to a freakin’ huge prototype of the big ol’ laser. “But the global threat of climate change isn’t something you can just shoot a unibeam at. That’s why I’ve built an even bigger Unibeam that I’m gonna throw up into the atmosphere and let it ride!”

Speaking for the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change, Lead Scientist Anders Johannson praised Stark for his contribution.

“Our data shows that the warming climate will lead to larger natural disasters, ecosystem collapse, and a mass influx of refugees from affected areas. Our world governments agree that this stuff is totally lame and a bit of a snooze-fest, so it’s so exciting to see Tony Stark making a kick-ass laser blaster that will cool down the Earth and go pew-pew-pew at the same time.”

Stark shared more details about the technology powering the massive laser to a rapt crowd. “With the onboard Artificial Logistics Global Operations Raygun Executable A.I system, or A.L.G.O.R.E., this laser beam will be shot at the perfect angle to cool the earth by 1o Celsius and look like a sweet Led Zeppelin laser light show.”

Social media trends suggest Stark’s reveal has overshadowed Pym Industries’ recent announcement of a widdle itty-bitty baby laser for babies that will solve world hunger.

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Speedrunner Doesn’t Believe Girlfriend’s Tool-Assisted Orgasm Valid

Posted on October 11, 2020 by Dave Cross

SACRAMENTO — Video game speedrunner Ashton Clemens insisted that a significant portion of his girlfriend’s orgasms were completed incorrectly, arguing that manual orgasms with non-modified equipment should be the only kind that belong “on the leaderboard.”

“Running BizHawk to complete a game is exactly like completing an orgasm with a Hitachi Magic Wand,” Clemens argued. “Tool-assisted runs, by their nature, do not deserve to be in the same orbit. They should be invalidated in favor of manual runs, to be performed or validated by an official. In this case, me.”

Clemens insisted no tool could replace the dexterity, skill and practice required for manual completion.

“That level of dedication can’t compare to the simple act of pressing a button. And just ONE button push, at that.”

TASVideos, the primary resource for tool-assisted runs, responded with a statement.

“The TASVideos community respectfully disagrees with Mr. Clemens’ assertion. Carefully-tuned tools can provide just as much, if not more enjoyment than manual manipulation,” said their spokesperson. “In our community, videos that showcase elaborate tool-assisted completions are viewed, appreciated, favorited and re-watched as much as manual interaction videos. People can’t get enough of the stuff.”

When briefed on the details of the dispute between Clemens and his girlfriend, TASVideos pulled back, refusing to comment further.

“Wait,” said the spokesperson, “we’re talking about video games, right?”

Clemens disagreed vehemently with the criticism.

“Who said anything about enjoyment? We’re not talking about how one method provides a quicker, more fulfilling, satisfying, pleasurable and intense experience than the other,” said Clemens, scowling at her drawer of exploits and emulators. “This isn’t about the choice she prefers far more often. This is about categories and rules.”

Pressed for her opinion on the matter, Clemens’ girlfriend Kristin Baker was resolute.

“Maybe if he could fuck as well as he splices videos of runs, he wouldn’t have this problem.”

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Pornstar Gets “Step Mom” Tattoo

Posted on October 11, 2020 by Daniel Menegaz

SIMI VALLEY, Calif. — Up-and-coming male pornstar Dixon Nixon was seen online early Friday morning flashing a brand new flash tattoo of a heart and banner reading, “Step Mom,” horny sources reported.

“I wanted to do something to honor her, considering how much she’s done for me,” said the 27-year-old Nixon, who was born Jackson Nichols. “All the times she tutored me in tight blouses, woke me up on time in sexy and creative ways, and made sure I got to school without a massive boner really made a difference. I probably wouldn’t have graduated community college without her getting stuck in the washing machine or the doggy door all the time.”

Once Nixon decided to get a tattoo, he took pains to make certain the artistic tribute was worthy of its muse.

“At first, I was considering getting a photorealistic portrait of my stepmom,” Nixon explained. “But then I remembered I film like, four stepmom scenes a month, each with a different woman, and realized I had to rethink my tattoo. I love all my stepmoms equally, and getting only one of their sweet racks tattooed on my ass wouldn’t be fair to the rest. That’s why I went with the classic, bannered-heart design: It’s abstract enough to honor every MILF I’ve had, or will have, the honor of motorboating.”

For his part, Nixon’s tattoo artist was perplexed by the commission.

“It was weird. This insanely beefy man with a goatee and the worst jewelry I’ve ever seen comes into my shop and asks me to add the word ‘step’ to his ‘mom’ tattoo,” said Andrew Kaplan, a Los Angeles-based tattoo artist. “But everything makes sense knowing he’s a pornstar. Nobody else likes their stepmom, let alone loves them enough to get a dedication tattoo, unless she’s banging them quietly next to her giant-dicked sleeping husband who is definitely gay.”

Nixon is allegedly considering a companion tattoo dedicated to his stepsister.

Metal Realtor Stoked to Show Buyers Where Murder Happened in New Home

Posted on October 11, 2020 by Ashley Naftule

SAN JOSE, Calif. — Local realtor Aaron “Shredder” Dukowski can’t wait to show potential buyers exactly where a gruesome quadruple murder happened inside the two-story Dutch Colonial Revival home, sources close to the lifelong metalhead confirmed.

“It’s all Shredder could talk about while we were putting out the canapes,” says Vanessa Albright, Dukowski’s assistant and designated driver. “He’s known all over town for his gregarious personality, and his penchant for describing in Victorian surgery manual levels of detail the atrocities that have happened in his listings. This one specifically, he’s going into true-crime podcast level of detail when showing the house. He wanted to pull up the carpet so buyers could see how some of the blood soaked into the floorboards, but thankfully I was able to talk him out of that.”

Dukowski himself couldn’t even contain his excitement when he found out about the house’s past.

“This property has it all: a pool, bay windows, fruit trees, and a serial killer’s murder spree in the living room,” said Dukowski while practicing his pitch before the buyers arrive. “If you look closely at the indentations in the carpeting, you can still see the drag marks the husband’s intestines left as he crawled across the floor. Plus, you can get it for a song, because it’s been sitting on the market for 16 years. Not to mention Suffocation wrote a song about these murders, so this place is basically a landmark. And there’s a fucking three car garage! That shit is crazy.”

Real estate experts commended Dukowski for turning tragedy into dollar signs.

“Property values across the neighborhood went to hell after that family was killed by a psycho with a machete,” said Alfonso LaPierre, Realtors of Santa Clara County President. “You wouldn’t believe the kind of damage a severed head in a mailbox does to a home’s curb appeal. [Dukowski] was able to restore the home to its tasteful, pre-massacre glory with the marble countertops and wood panelling, while leaving the original blood stains.”

While Dukowski’s death metal approach to real estate is unconventional, his peers cannot deny its efficacy. His new park bench ad touts: “Once you go aggro, you’ll go into escrow.”

Russian Spies Who Infiltrated Trump’s Inner Circle Wish He Would Wear a Mask

Posted on October 11, 2020 by Contributor

WASHINGTON — Over two dozen White House staff members with clandestine ties to the Kremlin and operating within President Trump’s trusted inner circle admitted today that they wish the Commander in Chief would wear a mask for once, covert sources confirmed.

“I mean, this is just ridiculous,” said one of the anonymous Russian spies, reportedly holding one of the highest unelected offices in the land. “It’s definitely easy to collect sensitive data from Trump; the guy never shuts up — the other day he left the plans for a top secret nuclear reactor right on his desk, and the only thing covering it was McDonald’s hamburger wrappers with some of his discarded pickles. But I just don’t feel safe getting close enough to him to send this back to Mother Russia. I’ve tried to explain this to some of the higher ups at the FSB, but they told me I’m expendable.”

White House staffers have been instructed to wear their own protective equipment when dealing with the President, often at their own expense.

“We’ve been told to buy gowns, wear gloves, and use face shields, all while Trump is walking around like an unmasked baboon complaining about how the media isn’t talking about how strong and fast he is,” said another Russian spy rumored to be part of the President’s security detail. “The shitty part is I’m not reimbursed for any of this gear. My commanders give me a ton of cyanide pills I’m supposed to take if I ever get caught, and those have to be pretty expensive… but they won’t go Dutch on all this dumb protective equipment I need to stay close enough to Trump to get access to Pentagon papers. It sucks.”

National security experts believe Trump’s reluctance to wear a mask is the closest thing he’s done to fighting Russian interference within the White House.

“In the past, President Trump basically courted Russian spies, and now he might be inadvertently pushing them away,” said a CIA official who chose to remain anonymous. “We still don’t know how this will affect the Russian operatives Trump is deeply in debt with… and we also don’t know if he actually knows how compromised he is. We send him daily briefings, but I think he just throws those out and has Ivanka sit on his lap. It’s all pretty fucked up.”

At press time, Trump was seen kissing an autographed picture of Vladimir Putin and mumbling, “I wish I could be as strong as you” under his breath.

Terrifying: The Scandinavians From “Midsommar” Are Real

Posted on October 11, 2020 by Jonah Nink

After watching “Midsommar” for the first time, I told my friends “Man, thank christ Scandinavians aren’t real. That would be terrifying.” He then said to me “Uh, Scandinavians are real.” I didn’t believe him at first, but he was completely right. Scandinavians are real, and they are terrifying.

Just like in the film, most Scandinavians live in the northern part of Europe. On the map, it kinda looks like a big ole’ schlong. The film takes some liberties by making all of the Scandinavians look super hot when in actuality most of them look like L. Ron Hubbard. You can identify a Scandinavian by their name, which is normally something stupid like “Ragnar,” or “Ulrich.”

In the film, the Scandinavians are in a weird drug-fueled death cult. In reality, it’s much, much worse. Most Scandinavians enjoy skiing, a pastime that back in the states is normally reserved for divorced men in their early thirties. And since most Scandinavian countries have free healthcare they don’t need to worry about getting hurt while skiing or getting a stomach ache from all of the human flesh they probably eat. Can you even imagine free health care? Fucking yikes!

The most terrifying thing about Scandinavians is the fact that they can easily infiltrate our society. Did you know that Dolph Lundgren, Bill Skarsgård, and the late Max Von Sydow are all from Sweden? I thought Dolph Lundgren was Mexican! “Rocky IV” has been completely ruined for me now. Thank god it already sucks.

So how do we protect ourselves from the Scandinavians? Well, if you can‘t beat them then you might as well join them. I’ve already begun the process of dying my hair blond and immigrating to Norway. Hopefully, they will allow me to assimilate into their society and not try to eat me or something.

Before I leave for my new life among the Scandinavians, I plan one watching Goodfellas one final time. I can actually enjoy watching it because I know for a fact that Italians aren’t real.

Local Band Matures Into Local Venue Staff

Posted on October 11, 2020 by John Dixon

AUGUSTA, Ga. — Local band Wall Socket officially announced their breakup today, moving into the next phase of their careers as full-time staff at The Cat Skull — the same local venue at which they performed most of their shows, management confirmed.

“Being in a band doesn’t really pay the bills, and I was already spending so much time at the venue, it was easy to start picking up shifts as a bartender: it was just the natural next step for me,” said now ex-frontman Neil Coleman. “Before too long, I was basically working full time there, and I didn’t have the energy to rehearse with the band anymore. So we called it quits, and then everyone else put in applications.”

Lisa Edelson, owner of The Cat Skull, was more than happy to welcome Coleman as an employee — especially since he did not come alone.

“When Neil started here, I suddenly had an entirely new staff who already knew the ins and outs of the place,” Edelson said from the broom closet that serves as her office. “As an added bonus, they know exactly how to handle other bands. I swear, the bands that play here now have never gotten in and out so quick and clean.”

However, not everyone is happy with the shift in direction.

“I’ve never seen a group of dudes so go mad with power so fucking quickly,” said James Barnes, vocalist of Psychic Baby, another venue regular. “It absolutely sucks having another band running a venue, because they know exactly how to fuck with you: they pretend not to hear you during sound check, they serve us drinks last… and, shit, their bassist is the security guy now. He ejected our guitarist in the middle of our own set for crowd surfing.”

Wall Socket already attempted to reunite for one last show, but couldn’t because there was no one at the venue to cover their shifts.

Origin of Fake News Traced Back to Friend Saying He Played ‘Pokemon Purple’ in 2002

Posted on October 10, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

WASHINGTON — Researchers have discovered that the origin of the “fake news” phenomenon stretches all the way back to 2002, when your friend Dennis McNulty claimed to have played Pokémon Purple.

“Clickbait journalism, Donald Trump railing against the New York Times, Q-Anon… all of this stems from the moment 11-year-old Dennis said he caught a ‘Black Pikachu’ in Pokémon Purple,” explained historian Dr. Clair Blevins. “Journalists didn’t realize, before 2002, that they could just lie and get away with it. Seeing your eyes light up at the possibility that Dennis had an uncle who works at Nintendo and gave Dennis a copy of the unreleased game changed all that. It was the exact origin of made-up inside sources. It was very likely the beginning of the end of all news media. Now every political writer has an ‘uncle’ who works at the White House.”

McNulty, who now works as a content farmer for website Today Always, swears to this day that he really did play Pokémon Purple.

“Look, I don’t care what you think about me, but I’m not a liar. What’s next? You’re gonna claim that my copy of Majora’s Mask I had as a kid wasn’t really haunted?! You know it just stopped being like that because I performed an exorcism on it right before you got to my house!” McNulty said. “There is nothing more important to me than the truth. I don’t have time for this shit, anyway. I have to publish my new article, 37 Times Lady Gaga Accidentally Revealed She Was Secretly a Man.”

Despite McNulty’s insistence, many have criticized him as a result of the findings. President Donald Trump spoke about McNulty and the larger issue of fake news at a recent press conference.

“The lying Dennis media is out to get us all! I knew – I knew all along – from the very beginning – that there was no such thing as a MewThree. It would be too powerful! Too powerful… it’s fake news, folks,” the President explained, desperately taking breaths every few words. “But I will create Pokémon Purple. No one else can do it! I alone can bring you Pokémon Purple. I alone can tell our scientists – our brilliant, beautiful American scientists – to create the powerful MewThree. So we can finally defeat China.”

At press time, in a desperate attempt to bring journalism back to its former glory, Nintendo announced they would finally release a game called Pokémon Purple, in which you can catch a Black Pikachu.

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Game Produced Without Crunch Unless You Count the Delicious Crunch of These Sweet Chili Doritos

Posted on October 10, 2020 by Kyle Erf

SEATTLE — Tire Tactics, the newly released car combat title from Spitfire Games, has been commended for being produced while respecting employees’ working conditions and also their desires for wonderful Frito-Lay products.

“I wanted to make sure we could make Tire Tactics in 40-hour weeks, even if that meant changing scope,” said James Thomas, founder of Spitfire Games. “It’s just not sustainable, even if you do have a well-stocked break room.”

After working a decade of long hours at major studios like Electronic Arts, Thomas and several members of his old team left to build a more respectful workplace at Spitfire.

“When I was working at big companies, it could be months of 70 or 80-hour weeks. I didn’t have time to go buy a bag of Ruffles on my way home, much less make a trip to, say, Taco Bell. I’m proud to say we don’t pressure anyone here.”

While everyone within the studio agreed late nights at the office were rate, some alleged that Spitfire isn’t as rosey as Thomas implied regarding expectations.

“There’s a lot of pressure to try whatever bag of Doritos the bosses bring in, you know?” said one longtime employee on condition of anonymity. “They’ll be like, ‘Hey, everyone is going to try out these Sweet Chili Doritos today. You don’t have to try any but, like, everyone is probably gonna have some Doritos and they’ll notice if you don’t.’ It’s kinda toxic. Though it is nice I have time to see my boyfriend.”

Spitfire Games’ methods were endorsed heartily by labor researcher Dr. Diana Rigby, Honorary Cool Ranch Doritos Chair of Labor Studies at UC Santa Barbara.

“Studies show that crunching more than 50 hours a week leads to a catastrophic decline in productivity,” said Rigby. “That is most certainly not mucho extreme. So crunching on the sugar and spice hit of Sweet Chili Doritos is definitely the crunch game developers should be after.”

When asked whether prolonged consumption of fried corn and salt would have any impact on worker quality of life, Rigby said, “That is not my area.”

In the end, the marketplace will decide whether this unique approach to crunch is workable. Wrote one Reddit commenter: “Idk. Playing Tire Tactics wouldn’t be fair to the games from developers of other games who actually were mistreated. After all they sacrificed more. I think I’ll skip it.”

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Friend Tragically Rejects Offer of Breath Mint

Posted on October 10, 2020 by John Danek

CUMBERLAND, Md. — Local man David Englund sealed his own disastrous fate earlier today by reportedly dismissing a friend’s offer of a spearmint Altoid on their way to movies, dejected sources confirmed.

“To dream that I could save my beloved David from the cruel laughter of the gods by a mere breath mint was perhaps my own hubris,” admitted Elizabeth Foley, carrier of the Altoids. “His tongue is steered by a palette which seeks powerful tastes of onion, garlic, and tuna. Sadly, he found the trifecta prior to our viewing of ‘Downhill’ starring Julia Louis-Dreyfuss and Will Ferrell.”

“I considered that on this eve I may share my true and vast feelings with David,” Foley disclosed. “But alas, I refuse to allow our first kiss be scarred by the taste of rotting corpse; I simply won’t allow it! David walks alone towards Hades, and no mortal being can stop him. I carry my love elsewhere.”

Indeed, Englund seemingly lacks all semblance of self-awareness of odor and hygiene.

“People are always shoving goddamn sticks of gum and tins of mints in my face,” said Englund, who is rarely seen without a large-sized coffee from a gas station. “It’s really offensive — what do they think, I’m poor? That I can’t afford my own mints and gum? Well, bucko, I can: I just choose not to. I don’t like how they taste, and I don’t like how they make my mouth feel. I don’t want it to feel like I’m breathing refreshing winter air; I want the hot steam of a New York subway on garbage day.”

Etiquette coaches across the country agree that the offer of a breath mint shouldn’t be considered an option, but rather a suggestion.

“Just take the fucking mint! Why wouldn’t you?” exclaimed etiquette coach Sandra Kent. “It’s free and literally everyone’s breath smells like shit mere seconds after brushing their teeth. I just can’t think of any reason not to. Allergic to peppermint? Carry spearmint with you. Against your religion? Find a new god. Take the mint. Always take the mint.”

As of press time, Englund was hiring paranormal investigators to determine if ghosts are leaving brand new sticks of deodorant in his mailbox.

Photo by Alex Aho

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