Guitar Center Kicks off Annual “Mid-Life Crisis” Sale

Posted on by Chris Bowen

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, Calif. — Musical instrument retailer Guitar Center kicked off its biggest sales event of the year catered towards individuals entering their mid-life who are at an age of self-reflection, inner turmoil, and prone to rash financial decision-making, several confused sources report.

“This has got to be my favorite promotion that corporate runs, bro. I love seeing dudes walk in with that meaningless-and-desperate-to-drop-cash look in their eyes,” Guitar Center employee Conner Welsh enthusiastically stated. “After all, the real strong point of my instrument knowledge is helping people choose good ones, but not so good that they can learn how to play guitar from scratch at the age of 52. Typically, these guys play their new purchase once or twice and let it sit in the back of their closet until they die and it’s eventually inherited by a family member who then tries to return it back to us. That’s just the circle of life in this industry.”

56-year-old Dennis Richardson expressed his gratitude for the chance to finally live out his rockstar dream.

“They say ‘age is just a number,’ and that’s why I think 56 is just the right time to buy two Marshall Stacks, a top hat, and a $5,000 dollar Gibson for only $4,900,” Richardson explained. “Besides, I figure a bitchin’ new guitar is way safer than a bitchin’ new Corvette. I even asked my family when I bought my axe if they’d rather I die in a fiery car accident or live out my childhood dream of being the next Jimmy Page. They answered ‘yes’ as soon as I said ‘death,’ but I knew what they really meant to say.”

Guitar Center corporate representative Stephen Gilbert explains promotions like this are a crucial part of business for the company.

“We have this reputation among ‘real musicians’ that we’re the Walmart of gear stores. As in, they only shop here when they forgot a patch cord or need to play ‘Smoke on the Water’ on an expensive new guitar they don’t even intend to buy. But they got it all wrong,” Gilbert explained. “We pride ourselves on being the number one go-to place for people who would never in their life consider becoming a drummer or guitar player, but then all of the sudden feel old enough to realize they’ve never accomplished anything in their life. That’s where we swoop in and cash in on the insecurities. That’s just capitalism, baby.”

At press time, Guitar Center announced a special discount for any orderly or nurse who provides care for elderly would-be rockers.

Six Songs We Listened to This Week That ‘Ruined the Family Cookout’

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

The rare three day weekend is upon us, and judging by your employment history, this is likely a more common experience than it’s made out to be. Nevertheless, you’re probably wondering what to do with your spare 24 hours. Instead of laying on the couch binge watching “King of the Hill” all day like you usually do, why not try spicing up your free time with some new music? We know it sounds scary, so we’re here to help. Here are six new tracks that have been handpicked by our staff who like you, had nothing better to do this week.

Amyl and the Sniffers “U Should Not Be Doing That” & “Facts”

Every day without new music from Melbourne’s Amyl and the Sniffers feels like an eternity. At the risk of sounding selfish, we personally feel that it should be illegal for the band to not release a new track every hour. Fortunately, the Aussie rockers released not just one, but two absolute rippers this week. Even better news: our increasingly threatening letters to the Australian government are apparently being read.

Beach Creeper “Mothmanthem”

If you’re anything like us, the only thing you love more than surf rock is forgotten b-roll horror movies from the golden age of cinema. Sadly, you’ve been realizing it’s nearly impossible to fit both obsessions into your busy schedule. Luckily for you, Beach Creeper have been working hard to make your demented dreams a reality. Some might say we didn’t need another song about Mothman, while others say puns are an antiquated artform. We say, fuck all of them, this band shreds.

Big Fat Head “Spiderweb”

Hailing from the future capital of the world, Ohio, Big Fat Head is crafting a soundtrack fit for a terrifying new era in which the state’s cornfields slowly overtake the entire planet. Their latest single, ‘Spiderweb,’ is a lush, synth drenched landscape that tip toes to the edge of psychedelia without falling off and boring you to death. Much like its namesake suggests, you can get stuck in this one for a while, so plan accordingly.

Conditioner “On Your Mind”

One of our writers said Newfoundland’s indie outfit, Conditioner, reminded them of Militarie Gun. Under California state law, that means we’re required to give them a write up. Bureaucracy aside, their latest EP, ‘COW’ is actually pretty fucking sick. After hearing the standout track ‘On Your Mind’ about thirty times in a row (also mandated by the state of CA), we have to admit we’re absolutely hooked. Blast this one if you’re still not over your ex, or if you are a fan of feeling something for the first time in years.

End Game “Big Shot”

GAAAAAWD DAAAAAAAAYUM END GAME’S BACK BAYBEEEEE! Sorry about that, the latest single from Calgary hardcore outfit, End Game, is so fucking heavy that we’ve been shouting all week. Our in-office ENT thinks we may be legally deaf, and has advised against us pushing our AirPods that deep into our ear canals. On top of that, our doctor doesn’t understand how we got that black eye, and won’t accept that ‘this song literally punched us in the face’ as an acceptable explanation. This is all to say that you should be listening to it on repeat immediately, and we are not legally responsible for any injuries you may sustain.

What? Six songs aren’t enough? Of course not, you greedy bastard. We figured you might be the ungrateful type, so we’ve put these and a whole bunch of other songs in a convenient and constantly updated playlist for you. Click here to listen and dazzle your friends with your newfound relevancy.

What a Dumbass! This Guy Thought His Emergency Dental Surgery Was Covered by Healthcare

Posted on by Reuben Blanchard

Lemme introduce you to this week’s asshole: Davis Benton of Pasadena, California. What makes him an asshole, you ask? This douche actually thought his healthcare coverage included emergency dental surgery. What year is it? 2999? Does he want his healthcare to drive him to work and make him lunch too? YOU’RE NOT SPECIAL!

This jagoff was heard saying “It makes no sense, it’s part of my health. Why wouldn’t it be covered by my health insurance” Um, maybe because it’s super expensive and insurance companies actually exist to profit off human misery you dumb piece of shit!

Seriously, this generation is so entitled. “Pay me what I’m worth!” “Unpaid internships are unethical!” “The cost of living is so high!” You know what’s also too high? The cost of living with woke snowflakes. Also my blood pressure. Probably because of all the woke snowflakes.

I don’t know what America you’ve been living in, but in my America, we stand for the flag, eat big-ass hamburgers and die way too young due to something easily preventable that our insurance refused to cover. That or we get shot in classrooms. But Davis “I’m an entitled bag of shit” Benton thinks he’s better than that. “In Canada, they have state-sponsored healthcare that is covered by your taxes” Well you know what else they have? MILK IN FUCKING BAG. What is this? Milk-in-a-bag-world? Where we all get to have our healthcare covered, regardless of our income, and then drink milk from a bag? Fuck you.

If you wanna be a communist, go for it. Go to Nazi Germany and be a communist, because in my head those are the same things, and NO I’m not gonna listen to why I’m wrong about that. He’s the asshole, not me. If he wants his face to NOT be in constant agonizing pain, maybe he should’ve had a rich dad, instead of working 65 hours a week to have a third of his paycheck taken away for health insurance that doesn’t actually cover anything and requires a $35 copay for general health visits and $100 copays for a specialist. Oh you wanna see a specialist? Because you’re so special? Nut up and be in pain like a real American.

Man Introduced to Each of Girlfriend’s Sex Toys Like New Guy at the Office

Posted on by Walker JF Glenn

SAN FRANCISCO — Local mailroom clerk and recently acquired boyfriend Jake Ramirez is reportedly feeling like the new guy at the office while he is led around his girlfriend’s apartment and successively introduced to each of her sex toys, anxious sources disclosed.

“It’s really exciting to be brought on board — it’s just a lot of information at once. I wasn’t exactly sure what expression I should have on my face, either. I was going for neutral-but-interested but I’m worried I came off dumb. I’m a pretty fast learner, though, and Aisha kept saying it will all ‘make sense in practice,’” said Ramirez. “We haven’t actually been seeing each other that long, so I’m flattered she wants me on the team. Although I have to admit I kind of exaggerated when she asked how familiar I am with Hitachi. Just feels like I lied on my resume or something.”

Ramirez’ girlfriend and owner of the adult toy collection Aisha James reported new partners often feel a bit overwhelmed on their first day.

“It’s completely understandable to be confused at first. I had my own learning curve with a lot of this stuff, and I’m available to answer any questions that arise as we get started,” said James. “Some trainees — when they get here and see what a full operation I’m running — aren’t sure what exactly they can do to help meet our daily goals. Let me reassure you: you’re here because of what you bring to the table. Even if it’s just verbal encouragement, or making small tweaks here and there, your role is essential.”

Relationship expert and author of “Love in the Era of Automation” Adrienne Wells noted that romance and efficiency are becoming synonymous for couples across the globe.

“In the age of the home office, the bedroom and the boardroom are often one and the same, and today’s lovers need modern solutions for modern problems,” said Wells. “It used to be the case that a worker could lose a whole afternoon searching for something a simple machine can identify and stimulate within seconds. The clit. I’m talking about finding the clit. That said, AI might actually be coming for your jobs as boyfriends.”

As of press time, Ramirez expressed some nervousness about meeting a device his girlfriend calls “the Manager,” or simply, “Peg.”

You Just Made Eye Contact With Someone Holding a Clipboard Outside a Whole Foods: Here Are 5 Exit Strategies To Avoid Donating to Charity

Posted on by Trevor Graham

So you’ve just slipped away from your soul-sucking job for a quick break, but now what? Go for a smoke? Stand on the street corner staring vacantly into the middle distance as you question every decision that has lead your here? Or head over to your local Whole Foods for an overpriced muffin and a kombucha?

You decide on Whole Foods even though you don’t love kombucha but at least the sour aftertaste will allow you to feel… something.

As you approach the entrance however you make a fatal flaw and accidentally make eye contact with someone in a vest with some sort of non-profit-y looking logo on it while holding a clipboard. You’re trapped now and are sure to get the hard sell on whatever charity they are promoting. Here are 5 exit strategies to get you out of it.

1. Avoidance
It may sound too simplistic but just straight-up pretend you don’t even see them. They will probably try to lure you in with one of their sales tactics by saying something like “Hey cool sweatshirt, wish I had one like that!” And yes, it may be true that your hoodie is dope and you look great in it but do not in any way acknowledge their comment. It will only lead you down a path of minutes stolen from your day and dollars lost from your wallet.

2. Rationalization
Convince yourself that any money you give them isn’t actually going to help anyone. It’s probably all a scam anyway. It just has to be otherwise you totally would donate to it. What was it that their vest said again? “International Children’s Defense Fund of The Oceans”? That doesn’t even make sense. Definitely a scam. You’re better off buying that independent, locally-owned kombucha and recycling the bottle. That will do more good than giving to whatever money laundering scheme this bullshit is.

3. Jedi mind trick
Just convince them that you’ve already given them money. “Didn’t I just donate to your cause last week?” That may just provide you with the nanosecond of distraction that will allow you to slip in through the sliding glass doors behind them. And who knows, you may have actually donated to them for real. Can you be 100% certain you didn’t actually stop and give them your credit card information just a few days ago? With so much content and fake news and AI who can be certain about anything anymore?

4. Just leave
Turn around on your heels and just go somewhere else… anywhere else. You can get kombucha almost anywhere these days. You can try that 7/11 around the corner, they probably even have kombucha. Oh wait no, don’t go to that one. There’s always that guy out front asking for money so he can take a bus to see his sick sister.

5. Confess your apathy
Tell them you just don’t care. Oh well, sucks for the whales or the bees or the air we all breathe or literally every drop of water on the planet but you just can’t bring yourself to care enough about any of it. There’s no ethical consumption under capitalism so obviously that absolves you from any wrongdoing and you have no choice but to contribute as much damage to the world as possible.

Punk’s Girlfriend Puts on Henry Rollins Spoken Word Record Before She Leaves for Work So He Doesn’t Feel Lonely

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

NASHUA, N.H. – Rebecca Sanders, girlfriend of local punk Ben Stumpf, allegedly puts on a Henry Rollins spoken word record before leaving for work each morning in order to stave off the loneliness her boyfriend may feel being home alone all day, sources confirmed.

“I just worry about him being home alone all day without a job and no real friends to speak up. He quit all social media again for the 5th time, so he doesn’t even have that connection,” said Sanders who works long hours as the Assistant Treasurer at Chase Bank. “I found that if I don’t have something to draw his attention he can get destructive. Sometimes he gets into the trash and makes a mess, and he went through a phase of chewing on the couch and getting stuffing everywhere. I don’t think he means anything by it, he just wants attention and has a lot of pent up energy. Henry’s words seem to make him feel like someone else is in the house. It’s been life-changing for our relationship and our lease.”

Stumpf himself couldn’t be any happier with the situation.

“It’s like my own personal pep talk from the godfather himself,” Stumpf said from his bed even though it was already 2:30 p.m. “Henry’s words just hit differently in the morning, you know? It’s like he’s right there with me, telling me to seize the day and not let the bastards grind me down. It almost makes me want to start working on that novel I’ve been thinking about for a few years, or maybe write a song or two. But I’ll probably just take a nap.”

Dr. Maya Greene, a psychologist specializing in music therapy, weighed in on the psychological benefits of such rituals.

“Listening to music or spoken words that resonate with us can have a profound impact on our mood and mindset,” Dr. Greene explained. “It’s not surprising that men like Ben find solace and motivation in Henry’s powerful words, especially during long, quiet days alone. It is probably not Henry Rollins in particular that Joey is responding to, but more the cadence and rhythm of the words being spoken. It could also be that he is simply a burnout who gets bored.”

While the Rollins’ albums seem to have helped with Stumpf’s behavior, Sanders is still working on getting him to use the toilet, or at least hold it until she is home and brings him outside.

How To Get a Woman, Lose the Woman, and Then Get That Woman Back Using Tips From Just One Buckcherry Album

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

Listen up, fellas. We all want to live that Rock N’ Roll fantasy of pickin’ up a hot piece of ass, falling madly in love with her, getting tired of her bullshit, and then begging for her to come back. So I’m here to break it down for you, step by step, using tips from the album “15” by our lords and saviors Buckcherry.

Phase one: Get her. You see a hot little thing across the bar. She’s showing a lot of skin but somehow also wearing a Whitesnake t-shirt and high-waisted leather pants. How do you win her over for a night of sweet lovin in some discount red satin sheets? We turn to “Next 2 You” for guidance. First, insult her taste in music in an offhanded way. Then, reference the fact that everyone talks about how she never puts out. Finally, seal the deal by repeatedly saying how you want to be near her. Once you’re worried you sound like a stalker, do it a little more. It’s a foolproof method of seduction.

Phase two: Lose her. Sure, after shackin’ up for awhile drinkin’ Bud Light every night while going to pound town to an ‘80s Hair Metal compilation, you realized you might actually love this broad. But hold your horses, pal. We’re not at the “stay together forever” part yet. First, you gotta lose her. For this, we follow tips from “Crazy Bitch.” Now, if she’s the kind of woman who doesn’t like being called a crazy bitch, you know what to do. If she’s into it, though, then call another woman a crazy bitch. Make fake nail marks on your back if you have to. Do what you need to do to get through this phase.

Phase three: Get her back. You’re sick without her. You haven’t been sleeping past noon. You can barely eat anything other than Sloppy Joes. You need that sweet bleach blonde, overly tanned woman back in your life. It’s time for the apology ballad, “Sorry.” You need to write your little lady an apology, but you have to make sure it’s from the heart. You’ll have to use really unique and heartfelt emotions like, “I’m sorry you’re blue.” She’ll be crying into your leather bomber in no time.

Bonus phase: Lose her again. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes she cheats on you with your best friend and says she got knocked up even though you coulda sworn she said she went through that mental pause thing. Here, use “Everything” where you talk about how it just isn’t working, but you focus a little too much on the fact that you’ve apparently been junkies this entire time.

You’ll thank me later.

​​Baja Blast Turns to Baja Bummer After Tragic Doritos Locosplosion Causes Nine Dudes To Live No Más

Posted on by Matt Husser

LOS ANGELES — A late-night quest for the munchies turned tragic after a violent Doritos Locosplosion ripped through a Taco Bell causing nine dudes to live no más, bummed-out sources confirmed.

“The Taco Bell forensic team is still piecing together the scene, but it appears that a flame ignited a Doritos Locos powder barrel in the kitchen, sending a hellacious amount of hard taco shell-shrapnel into the dining room,” said Taco Bell spokesperson Dante Brooks, lowering the bell outside to half-mast. “It was like a nacho cheese claymore went off, causing mondo mutilation and bodacious bodily harm. We’re just grateful that this tragic accident occurred while the restaurant was empty during the dinner lull—if that Locosplosion had gone off during the 2 a.m. munchies rush, hundreds of dudes in dope-ass Jeeps could have been killed.”

A survivor of the Doritos Locosplosion reportedly survived the incident because he was ‘in the shitter making his own bean burrito’ during the Diablo blaze.

“Normally the Taco Bell bathroom is the last place you’d wanna be, but I’m counting my lucky churros that I was blowing up el baño or it’d be a closed casket supreme for me, too,” said Skyler Morrison, recalling the accident. “As soon as I heard the blast I ran out of the bathroom and slipped on what looked like a pool of fire sauce on the ground. Then I saw this poor dude that got his guts turned to ground beef and I realized that it wasn’t fire sauce at all. That was not muy bien man, not muy bien at all.”

A Taco Bell spokesperson later addressed the media, giving a speech urging the community to come together in light of the tragedy.

“The fabric of our community was torn apart tonight, much like the flesh of that guy that got showered in molten refried beans. But just as the bean and cheese layer holds the cheesy gordita crunch together, we need to unite as a community and honor these nine dudes’ memories by living even más-er,” said Taco Bell communications director Ricky Kline, pinning a teal memorial ribbon to his shirt. “That’s why from this day forward, I urge everyone to always seize the gordita, grab the nachos by the chips, and drink deep from the cup of Baja Blast, because you never know when that sweet sip of nectar might be your last. Vaya con jalapeños, mis amigos.”

Taco Bell CEO Sean Tresvant later released a statement saying this was among the top three biggest Baja bummers in the fast food giant’s storied history, after the tragic “Combination Taco Bell-KFC Fry Grease Bell Grande Incident” and the “1996 Chili Con Chaos Riots.”

Opinion: As An IDF Soldier Tasked To Train American Police Officers, I Should Also Be Allowed To Kill Unarmed Civilians While I’m There

Posted on by Tim Sheard

Nothing brings me more pleasure and a sense of purpose in this world than serving my country. Even if that means having to travel to the United States a few times a year to train these idiot Americans on how to properly beat the ever-loving shit out of other human beings. Or as they like to put it “protecting and serving their communities.” I mean, I have my own communities to “protect and serve” at home, ya know?

I don’t mean to complain but if I’m going to be over there watching unarmed civilians through the scope of a sniper, I should be able to pull the trigger and then create a settlement on their land. If I can do it back home with impunity then why can’t I do it over there?

I mean, I get it. We wouldn’t be able to murder a fraction of the children we do back home without the weapons and financing from the United States taxpayers, I’m forever grateful for the war machines they provide. I guess using my tactical weapon and hand-to-hand combat expertise to train their neighborhood foot soldiers to properly do the same is a fair trade.

I just wish someone would give us the green light to catch a couple bodies while we’re there. It’d be great for my TikTok. My followers love getting a peak at what my day-to-day life is like, yeah some commenters say what I’m doing could amount to a war crime, but I’ve never done a single thing wrong, anyone who says so is anti-semitic. Of course, I couldn’t post anything while I was there because of that weird ban or whatever but that’s a whole other conversation.

I don’t even need a gun to kill. I can use a knife, my bare hands, hell I can do it with a straw. Plastic, Metal, one of those biodegradable cardboard ones that immediately turns into goop the second it enters a drink. I actually think it would save American taxpayers a lot of money because I would happily drain the life out of someone’s eyes as a form of payment for my time training. I’m not even joking. For the love of god, if I have to spend another month away from home training American police how to kill innocent people just trying to get by then at least let me get a piece of the action.

Right-Wing Punk Revisiting Dead Kennedys Discography Wondering When Band Went Woke

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LINCOLN, Neb. — Local conservative, and self-proclaimed free thinking punk, Eddie Duff was confused by what he described as “woke propaganda” in Dead Kennedys lyrics while relistening to the band on a recent road trip, sources confirmed.

“I used to love this band. The way Jello said the ‘N’ word in ‘Holiday in Cambodia’ basically gave me permission to say it whenever I want. And these guys really seem to hate California, which I can relate to. I absolutely hate that place, even though I’ve never been there,” said Duff. “Then I listened to some more songs and realized these guys hate the police, which is crazy because cops are here to protect us. They are goddamn heroes in my eyes, any true punk knows that. And as a property owner I really didn’t like ‘Let’s Lynch the Landlord.’ The whole song feels like I’m getting an email from one of my tenants. If they wanted water or heat they should have rented a better place.”

Duff’s teenage daughter Layla was amused by how upset the songs made her father.

“Dad was trying to tell me about how the music I listen to is a bunch of Pro-Biden propaganda and wanted to show me ‘real music.’ After about 15 minutes he shut it off and said I needed to forget about it. Then we drove in silence for almost two hours,” said the 16-year-old. “He really got mad about some Nazi punk song. He kept talking about how it’s a ‘free speech’ thing and Nazis have every right to go to a show as the next guy. His face was so red I thought he was going to explode. Then he tried to tell me that Ronald Reagan was a great president that did a lot for the country and that these old bands had no idea what they were talking about.”

Music historian Clive Weston says a lot of people misinterpret the meanings of classic punk songs.

“I’ve met punks who thunk that ‘Fucked Up Ronnie’ by D.O.A. is a song about how fun it would be to get drunk with Ronald Reagan, and that ‘Rock the Casbah’ is exactly why Western countries need to invade the Middle East,” said Weston. “I think the so-called punks that believe this often have suffered some sort of head injury, or maybe the umbilical cord strangled them when they were born and the lack of oxygen to the brain had a lasting effect. I really can’t explain it.”

At press time, Duff was being rushed to the emergency room after being told about the actual message behind Black Flag’s “White Minority.”