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Guitar Center Kicks off Annual “Mid-Life Crisis” Sale

WESTLAKE VILLAGE, Calif. — Musical instrument retailer Guitar Center kicked off its biggest sales event of the year catered towards individuals entering their mid-life who are at an age of self-reflection, inner turmoil, and prone to rash financial decision-making, several confused sources report.

“This has got to be my favorite promotion that corporate runs, bro. I love seeing dudes walk in with that meaningless-and-desperate-to-drop-cash look in their eyes,” Guitar Center employee Conner Welsh enthusiastically stated. “After all, the real strong point of my instrument knowledge is helping people choose good ones, but not so good that they can learn how to play guitar from scratch at the age of 52. Typically, these guys play their new purchase once or twice and let it sit in the back of their closet until they die and it’s eventually inherited by a family member who then tries to return it back to us. That’s just the circle of life in this industry.”

56-year-old Dennis Richardson expressed his gratitude for the chance to finally live out his rockstar dream.

“They say ‘age is just a number,’ and that’s why I think 56 is just the right time to buy two Marshall Stacks, a top hat, and a $5,000 dollar Gibson for only $4,900,” Richardson explained. “Besides, I figure a bitchin’ new guitar is way safer than a bitchin’ new Corvette. I even asked my family when I bought my axe if they’d rather I die in a fiery car accident or live out my childhood dream of being the next Jimmy Page. They answered ‘yes’ as soon as I said ‘death,’ but I knew what they really meant to say.”

Guitar Center corporate representative Stephen Gilbert explains promotions like this are a crucial part of business for the company.

“We have this reputation among ‘real musicians’ that we’re the Walmart of gear stores. As in, they only shop here when they forgot a patch cord or need to play ‘Smoke on the Water’ on an expensive new guitar they don’t even intend to buy. But they got it all wrong,” Gilbert explained. “We pride ourselves on being the number one go-to place for people who would never in their life consider becoming a drummer or guitar player, but then all of the sudden feel old enough to realize they’ve never accomplished anything in their life. That’s where we swoop in and cash in on the insecurities. That’s just capitalism, baby.”

At press time, Guitar Center announced a special discount for any orderly or nurse who provides care for elderly would-be rockers.