Call me a ‘90s kid, but I have a lot of nostalgia for going into cool shops and browsing around. Sadly, in the age of online shopping, even record stores are becoming a novelty. That’s why I was so excited to visit Archive Arcane for the first time. Friends had told me all about this quirky little shop’s wide array of 2nd hand hard copy media, posters, horror merch, and memorabilia. What they did not tell me was that the proprietor was a sinister witch.
Evidently, she had her eye on me the whole time as I perused with no real shopping agenda. She grew resentful watching me briefly contemplate wasting $300 on a “Return of the Living Dead Part 2” ceramic bust here or $500 on a replica “Hellraiser” puzzle box there only to put the items down and move on. When I finally stepped up to the register 5 minutes after closing (oops) with nothing but a $3 VHS enamel pin, I incurred her demonic wrath. In a creepy old gypsy voice that was clearly not her voice and frankly a little problematic, she said “I curse you for your indecision! You will become… MERCH!”
I thought nothing of it of course, until the next day when friends pointed out that my tracking was off. I looked in the mirror and sure enough, there were staticky white lines all over the top and bottom of my face. I raised my hand to wipe them away and realized I was wearing a Freddy Krueger glove, with a tag that read “Screen Quality replica – $245.” I removed the glove only to find my hand had been replaced with a Korean laserdisc copy of “Chopping Mall.” Slowly but surely, I was becoming niche memorabilia.
After consulting with various experts in the paranormal, it is my hope that by proving I can be decisive, I will lift the curse and avoid my fate of becoming just another overpriced item on one of Madam Arcane’s kitschy shelves. In an effort to cheat my macabre fate and preserve my humanity, here is my list of the best horror movies set in every U.S. state:
Alabama: “Manhunter” (1986)
Michael Mann’s adaptation of “Red Dragon,” the prequel to “The Silence of The Lambs” is stylish, kinetic and truly unnerving. Brian Cox’s take on Hannibal Lecter is severely underrated, and character actor Tom Noonan is every bit as unsettling as he would go on to be in films like “The House of the Devil.” I just threw up a bunch of creepy crawlers. There isn’t much time.
Alaska: “30 Days of Night” (2007)
Vampires wreak havoc on an isolated Alaskan town that experiences 30 straight days of darkness every winter. It’s an interesting premise that the film doesn’t quite live up to, but my right foot is now a Gizmo doll and I’m not sure if “The Grey” counts as horror so let’s move on.
Arizona: “The Prophecy” (1995)
Angered that God gave souls to man, an archangel played by Christopher Walken wages war in heaven, and seeks the ultimate weapon, which is a retired general in Arizona for some reason. It’s a lot less scary now that I know catholicism is bogus and whatever religion that lady who cursed me follows is clearly the right one.
Arkansas: “The Town That Dreaded Sundown” (1976)
Fun fact: The original Jason Voorhees costume from “Friday The 13th Part 2” is a direct ripoff of the killer in this movie, which is based on actual events.
Not so fun fact: My dick turned into a Pinhead.
California: “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” (1978)
There are a ton of horror movies set in L.A., but none of them are quite as iconic as this San Fransisco-based remake of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” The movie starts with a cozy ‘70s vibe which soon gives way to paranoia, an unhinged young Jeff Goldblum, and one of the most unnerving endings in film history. There, I made my decision. Please spirits, stop turning my thumb into a people-pod!
Colorado: “The Shining” (1980)
Easy pick here. “The Shining” isn’t just considered one of the greatest horror movies of all time, it’s considered one of the greatest movies period. Hey, I just got a shining from the witch lady who cursed me. She says this is a waste of time and I suck.
https://youtu.be/A-tgsURVNrI?si=MDmA8bZ2HKSCyXNh
Connecticut: “The Innkeepers” (2011)
There’s nothing more Connecticut than a small haunted hotel in a quaint little town. Based on and primarily filmed in an allegedly haunted Inn in Torrington CT, Ty West’s “The Innkeepers” is an instant classic of New England horror. Hey, spirits, can I have my penis back?
Delaware: “Survival of the Dead” (2009)
Not Romero’s best, arguably his worst in fact, but do you know how many movies are set in Deleware? Like five.
Florida: “Day of the Dead” (1985)
The worst entry of Romero’s initial Dead trilogy is still one of the best zombie movies ever made. It can’t be said to really capture the essence of Florida since most of the movie takes place in an underground bunker, but then again if I had to live in Florida that’s where I would want to stay too. In real life, there are worse things than zombies in the Sunshine State.
Georgia: “The Stuff” (1985)
This B-movie classic is set in Georgia, and Michael Moriarty has the community theater-level southern accent to prove it!
Longtime, casual and fair-weather fans of The Aquabats’ music, personas, stage clothes, and goofy, goofy banter likely don’t know too much about the band’s newest LP “Kooky Spooky… In Stereo” as it came out at the height of the pandemic, and we all had other things to think about. Still, like its six predecessors, this LP puts the “enjo” in “enjoyable,” and this record is absolutely perfect for bubbly babies, acerbically witty adolescents, newly married twenty-somethings, and ne’er do well nursing homes sans Ben Stiller’s character in “Happy Gilmore” but with Wheel of Fortune’s letter turner Bob Barker. Continuing the sterling and sound tradition that the band started on their fourth studio album “Charge!,” the wild and crazy (The) Aquabats ended each song title with an exclamation point, and were happy to yell this at the sun in both bold and italic… They just want to party!
The Aquabats’ fourth LP “Charge!!” actually doubles as a naval command and an Uber/Lyft shriek, and picks up where its odd-in-the-best way third/underrated record “The Aquabats vs. the Floating Eye of Death!” with an almost total upstroke elimination segueing into Devo territory. Released on The Offspring and American Airlines’ Dexter Holland and the former Offspring bassist, Greg K. of Kmart’s now-defunct label Nitro Records, previous home to AFI, Crime in Stereo, formerly featuring current Aquabats guitarist Ian “Eagle ‘Bones’ Falconhawk” Fowles, who joined The Aquabats on their next wet release, “Hi-Five Soup!,” Son of Sam, and ColdBrew, this record served as a comeback to many misinformed dumbos who were turned off by its fantastic predecessor. The band released various compilations, EPs, and laserdiscs between album number three and four, and this LP had the longest gap between full-lengths until the year of our lord known as 2020.
Hey homies, “Hi-Five Soup!” is undoubtedly the best Aquabats LP of the 21st century, and we will get soaked for its cause. Its album cover is a fun outer space venture honoring New England Clam Chowder’s relationship with your left hand, whilst your right one swings back in the form of a former B.F.F. fisticuff session twice to honor each exclamation point in this studio album’s title, providing awesome forces in your dreams/pants. Fun fact: The late and great distinct rapper/icon/Czar Biz Markie is featured on track four, “Radio Down?” and said song provides a confluence of emotions and/or an FM wheelie! Speaking of features, Strong Bad, a fictional character from “Homestar Runner” also cameos on “Pink Pants! In closing, The Aquabats’ independently filmed TV pilot “The Aquabats! Super Show!” got picked up by The Hub a few months after this record came out.
The one that started it all, “The Return of The Aquabats,” is actually a sequel to a self-titled LP that doesn’t exist? The world may never know! Speaking of sequels, “Martian Girl,” “Idiot Box,” and “Playdough” appear in re-recorded form on “The Fury of The Aquabats,” and “Playdough” itself has the distinction of being this album’s opening track and its follow-up’s bonus hidden track… It’s crazy, man! Self-released on their own label Horchata Records, also home to the underrated Attaboy Skip, and eventually re-released by Fearless Records, the current home to Chase Atlantic, Boys Like Girls, and Bon Jovi six years later, we want to give a shout out to the OG AB mega line-up consisting of The Caped Commander, The Caped Crusader, Chain Saw, OC’s Chain Reaction, The Brain, Pinky, Crash McLarson, Crash Romeo, Roddy B., “Rowdy” Roddy Piper, Nacho, Queso, Cat Boy, Batgirl, Prince A., and Meghan Markle.
The Aquabats’ third album “The Aquabats vs. the Floating Eye of Death!” is the last of three LPs to contain the band’s name in its title, but this one is divisive amongst the band’s fans and polarizing for others. Still, this is the band’s last 1990s album, and caused the then-eight piece much pain and strife, as it fell quite short of expected sales, forced the band to be dropped from the label one year later, and created a hiatus of sorts for the next batch of years. Sometimes great art isn’t appreciated by the public until years later, or ever, as people be stupid, but this record stands the test of time for its creativity. To put it simply, no album from any band pre-1999 and 2000-beyond sounds like this one, and “Giant Robot-Birdhead” should be an anthem for anyone with taste… Hello/good night!
Sophomore slump or comeback of the year? Both? Neither? The Aquabats execute surf guitar in some form on each LP, but this album “The Fury of The Aquabats has a theme song and a metaphorical one echoing peak Dick Dale. 1997 was also a peak year for the ska/ska-punk/third-wave/swing world with the ultra-successful The Mighty Mighty Bosstones “Let’s Face It,” Goldfinger’s “Hang-Ups,” Save Ferris’ “It Means Everything,” and Lord Belial’s two-tone classic “Enter the Moonlight Gate” records. Also, this album briefly broke the band into the mainstream with the band’s now-anthem “Super Rad!,” of which Scullions’ Bobcat “Evil but Eventually Good Zed from ‘Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment’ and several other of its sequels, or “Shakes the Clown” if you Want to Laugh/Cry” Goldthwait directed was featured on your idiot box via MTV.
Whether or not you’ve obtained a legal vendor’s permit through the proper channels, is none of Charlie’s concern.
It’s probably safe to assume that Ugly Naked Guy would be the one who’s getting the police called on him for exposing himself to a minor. He’s going to do whatever he can to avoid the heat.
He’s too famous to care about something so inconsequential as the legality of a child’s lemonade stand. There’s no way he’s stopping, either. He doesn’t think about you, kids, laws, and he never will.
As the manager of a small business, Gunther wouldn’t be one to stifle the joy of a young entrepreneur. In fact, he might even offer great business advice but it’ll probably go unnoticed by everyone around him given his forgettable voice, face, and general vibe.
Parker is sure to be jazzed to see a lemonade stand on his block. You bet he’s gonna buy a cup and describe every sensation he feels with every sip. “It’s like my tongue has just witnessed the sunrise for the first time.” But his commentary quickly becomes grating and you’ll end up having to escort him off your property for bothering the neighbors.
Bless her heart, Erica would not even know what a vendor permit is.
If Joey passed by a kid selling lemonade you best believe he’s gonna throw down every quarter in his pocket to quench his never-ending thirst. He’ll down the whole pitcher, belch, and then give the little “champ” a high-five before hitting on someone’s mother.
Tag’s too laid back, young, and dumb to have any ounce of entitlement. He’d buy a cup before spotting a hoverboard peeking out of their garage and politely ask to take it for a spin. He’ll no doubt break his arm but he’ll be smiling all the way to the emergency room.
Phoebe would be so amped to see a little kid selling lemonade. The sight would make her reminisce about a time when she was a child, begging her parents to allow her to have a lemonade stand of her own. Then she’ll bring down the entire mood by mentioning her mother’s suicide and how she was homeless by the age of 14, telling the little 8-year-old to live it up while they still can.
Janice would screech, “Oh my gawd, look at the little businessman!” while everyone plugged their ears. She’ll be that annoying aunt you dread to see because you’re constantly embarrassed by the amount of attention she gives.
Mike’s childlike behavior is sure to emerge when he’s in the presence of a child. Before you even realize it, he’ll be chatting away with your kid about cartoons and video games. Chances are you’ll have to intervene when the conversation between the two gets heated about which Dragon Ball Z character is the strongest.
Despite growing up wealthy and entitled, Rachel grew into a very grounded and down-to-earth adult after being financially cut off by her parents. She understands the emotional turmoil of earning a dollar, so she’ll be excited to buy a cup before gossiping to you about that one house on the corner.
Carol understands that even if your kid’s lemonade stand doesn’t have a permit it’s not right to call the authorities on a child. She’s gonna buy herself a cup and make sure that Susan stays inside that day.
Tech Millionaire and aspiring UFC champ Pete Becker, is always trying to prove that despite his wealth, he’s still a man of the people. That’s why when he sees your kid’s lemonade stand he’ll buy a cup for 25 dollars and not realize the price is actually 25 cents.
Fun Bobby’s only concern in life is finding the next party. If he comes around he’s gonna buy a cup, spike it with liquor, and shoot the shit with you. But, before you know it, he’s downed 3 pitchers and is now drunkenly telling you about all the women in the neighborhood he’s slept with while their husbands were away.
There’s nothing more amusing than a ruggedly handsome, emotionally fragile man. Upon seeing a loving relationship that you have with your kid, memories of his past will flood in and he’ll be a puddle of tears by his second sip.
As a former high school teacher she would be delighted to see a young person in America get out of the house and do something productive instead of wanting to be some brainless TikToker. It’s clear her projection is due to her own three brainless children each on their own iPad watching a ten-hour Mr. Beast YouTube video.
No, Jack wouldn’t be one to call the cops. But he probably would refuse to buy a cup because he heard one time that the acid in lemons weakens your enamel and he needs to hold on to the little he has left.
Judy’s not the type to discipline another child. She would likely fawn over the “adorable little setup you have going on here” before making backhanded comments to Monica about her adopted grandchildren. With a strong emphasis on the word adopted.
Chandler would walk up and when you ask, “would you like a lemonade, sir?” He’ll sarcastically joke, “No, I’m just here to hit on your daughter.” Then laugh before realizing what he just said. He’ll try to save it by saying, “I don’t find your daughter attractive, sir.” But he makes it worse. “Not that she’s ugly. Because for a girl her age, she’s a knock-out.” He’ll laugh once more and add, “Yeah, I think I’ll just go.”
Paolo would be confused to see a small vendor booth in a suburban neighborhood. He’ll be momentarily transported to the streets of Italy where he used to buy gelato from an old woman with no left eye. He’ll approach the booth and struggle to read the sign, “Le-moan-add?” but then it’ll click, “Ah, si limonata.” There’s no way he’s not buying a cup.
Look around—do you really think you’ll find a stimulant in this joint? Everyone looks like they’ve been stricken with terminal ennui. These freaks are probably strung out on some weird drug you’ve never heard of that doesn’t even make them feel good. Some little dude offers you a spoonful of some shit called garmonbozia, but you wisely pass. They do let you smoke inside, so that’s pretty dope. But none of these depressed lowlifes seem like they’d be able to help you get that 8-ball.
Sorry, there’s no coke at this subterranean post-apocalyptic rave. Operation Dark Storm blocked the sun and killed off all vegetation on Earth—including the precious coca plant. There is a greasy white guy with dreadlocks who can jack you into the Matrix and run a cocaine simulation, but you probably don’t want to be totally checked out in case the flying squid robots show up. Better to stick with jenkem, of which the filthy future-hippies of Zion have plenty.
There’s lots of coke at the Bing, but probably not for a no-count mamaluke like you. The bartender would be suspicious of an outsider coming around asking for drugs, and he’d likely summon Paulie and a crew of goombahs to beat the shit out of you with pool cues. Then, they’d tie you up and Tony would slap you over and over, asking if Uncle June sent you. Sorry, you’re probably going to wind up at the bottom of the Passaic River.
After you get led through a secret door at the back of a downtown slaughterhouse, you find yourself in the midst of a raging party filled with attractive people dancing their heads off to electronic music. Someone here has got to have some shit to sell you, right? The thing is, if you’re looking for a toot, you’re in for a bad time. Vampires actually don’t do a lot of coke since not seeing their reflection in the mirror while they snort lines tends to freak them out. Recommended attire: Some sort of ascot, scarf or other neck protection.
Ordinarily, buying some gack at this Eurotrash hotspot would be no problem. The clientele is generally so zooted they barely noticed that time a robot walked through the crowd and dragged some thug out by his hair. If you were unlucky enough to show up after that buzzkilling cyborg made an appearance, people would probably be too freaked out to break out the goods. Sure, there’s always yeyo to be found in Old Detroit, but the supply chain suffered a big hit after Clarence Boddicker took a data spike to the neck.
Judging by the hordes of scumbags in attendance, it’ll be no problem to find someone to sell to you here, but it’s wise to buy your bag quickly and split. The decor—including a blindfolded baby doll in a ring of barbed wire—leaves something to be desired. Besides, there’s always the chance that Pinhead could show up again and start stabbing people in the head with poorly rendered CG ice daggers or shooting his chains and hooks all over the place.
Even though the nocturnal incarnation of The Peach Pit hosted some cool bands like The Cramps and Flaming Lips, the drug landscape there was pretty lame. Kelly was fond of nose candy for a little while, but she’s since gone to rehab and cleaned up. The only one among the uptight 90210 crew that really parties is David, though he famously favors meth. He might offer to hook you up with some flake, but he’s the type of scumbag who would take your money and never come back, leaving you broke and jonesing.
You’d be right to think that a club in a Miami-like city in the ’80s would be overflowing with booger sugar—however, the vibe around here is a bit off-putting. There never seems to be more than a handful of listless, stiffly dancing, vacant-eyed dullards in this huge joint. The whole atmosphere is pretty lame, in fact. Several of the patrons are probably holding, but even the idea of navigating a transaction with one of these blocky dorks is exhausting.
You’ll need to go mad enough from cabin fever to pierce the veil between this world and the one beyond if you want to rub elbows with the ghostly revelers at their 1921 July 4th soirée. Cocaine was still technically legal then, but you would mainly find it in soft drinks and elixirs, and you’d probably get a belly ache from drinking all that stuff before you actually got blitzed. However, people are saying the guy in the bear costume is slinging, so you should probably try to party with that dude.
Yup, there’s coke here. You think you’re going to get all those goths to dance like that to My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult without a little pharmaceutical enhancement? You try lacing up 20-eye Docs sober. The real action is in the penthouse, of course, where Top Dollar rules his criminal empire, though you’d better hope you’re a bullet-proof goth ghost if you accidentally interrupt the annual crime boss social while you’re looking for the bathroom.
It figures you’d be wearing a Hawaiian shirt the night you decide to check out this club where the dress code seems to be white jumpsuits and codpieces. Though they specialize in vellocet and synthemesc milks, the bartender is willing to make you one laced with cocaine instead. You tip generously and take a seat, feeling the gaze of a mascara-wearing gang of blokes in bowler hats. You’re surprised when the one comes over and invites you out with them for a night of “ultraviolence”, but hey, when in Rome, right?
It’s probably not a good idea to try and score while Batman is actively busting skulls in the Penguin’s hangout. However, it is a bad guy club in Gotham City, so of course there’s abundant polvo to be had here once the dust has settled. Don’t be surprised if you spot Bruce Wayne blowing some rails in the bathroom later on—he’s very dedicated to keeping up his authentic millionaire playboy appearance.
When you read all the glowing reviews of this place online, you just had to come check it out. Too bad no one mentioned it’s less of a nightclub and more of a hangout for at-risk youth. That being said, it is a pretty cool joint. There are arcade games, a skateboard ramp, gambling and kids shooting pool and slinging cigs. Granted, it feels a little weird to be buying a bag from a seventh grader, but any port in a storm as they say.
There are a bunch of fucked up looking aliens in this wretched hive of scum and villainy, but no one that really seems like they’d have what you’re after. But wait, there’s Han Solo, infamous galactic smuggler! Don’t act all surprised that Han is the galaxy’s go-to guy for coke—what exactly did you think he was smuggling all this time? Counterfeit Gucci bags? There’s so much snow in the Falcon’s secret compartment it looks like Hoth in there.
Now we’re talkin’. This place is teeming with minor league dealers in Members Only jackets with little ponytails. Just ask anyone—they’ll hook you up and you’ll be hitting the slopes in no time. Sure, once a time-traveling cyborg showed up and murdered dozens of people. Big deal! The chance of being killed in a mass shooting is a risk every American takes just leaving the house these days. Besides, they say lightning never strikes the same place twice, so you’re probably extra safe there.