Bassist Forced to Eat 250 Cartons of Eggs so Band Can Soundproof Rehearsal Space

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

JERSEY CITY, N.J. — Bassist and new band member Dylan McCuskey must eat no less than 3,000 eggs so his band can use the empty cartons for soundproofing, confused grocery store sources confirmed.

“At first, I was hard boiling the eggs, but apparently the guys want to start playing in Mike’s mom’s basement by next week… so to speed things up, I started pinching my nose and downing these bad boys raw. It’s called working smarter, not harder,” said McCuskey. “A lot of people might think it’s cruel and inhumane to force someone to eat 3,000 eggs in seven days, but let’s call it what it is: band bros hazing the new guy. The way I see it, if I do everything they ask without question, they’ll eventually start respecting me as a full-fledged member of the band.”

Guitarist Mike Keys explained the thought process behind the soundproofing project.

“Our previous bassist was in charge of soundproofing, but he died unexpectedly. No one’s quite sure what happened to him,” said Keys, knowing full well the previous bassist died from salmonella after consuming hundreds of raw eggs. “To be honest, I always thought using egg cartons as soundproofing was a myth, so I’m not even sure this is going to work. But hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?”

Unsurprisingly, McCuskey was rushed to the emergency room this morning, where he was treated by Dr. Joyce Campos.

“After we pumped his stomach, Mr. McCuskey explained he didn’t want to throw the eggs away just to use the packaging… but when we explained he could have donated the eggs to a local food bank, he started to code. Plus, all those eggs must have cost him nearly a thousand dollars. He could’ve gotten a whole wall’s worth of real soundproofing foam for like, $50. Seriously, I just looked it up on Amazon,” explained Dr. Campos. “In hindsight, saving his life sort of felt like a waste. The eggs may not have gotten him this time, but Mr. McCuskey is clearly destined to kill himself in some other idiotic way.”

Leading to his hospitalization, McCuskey had only been out of jail for two weeks, following six months of “hazing” in Passaic County jail after his bandmates forced him to take the rap for a drug trafficking crime committed by their drummer.

New Study Finds Crows Really Wish They Could Play Video Games

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

DOWNERS GROVE, Ill. — A study by scientists at Midwestern University has revealed that not only are crows capable of sensory consciousness, but that they are also the only member of the animal kingdom that longs to play video games. 

“We’ve discovered that crows’ intellect and consciousness are far beyond what we’d previously thought,” said Lydia Seymour, the physiologist in charge of the recent study. “And that when a majority of crows witness someone playing a video game, they display signs of what is largely agreed upon in the avian community to be jealousy. In other words, these bastards would love to get their little claws on a video game controller, and we think they have just enough mental capacities to be aware that this will never, ever happen.” 

The discovery was made after a series of experiments designed to test how crows would respond to several types of visual stimuli.

“It was pretty simple really,” said biopsychologist Bryce Reeves, who also participated in the study.  “We’d take a crow and show it two screens, one with a video game, and one with a film or TV show. Every single time, the bird would gesture towards the game, indicating that it was the preferred one. Over several months, we were able to use this choosing process to determine that crows prefer looter shooters and strategy games, and can definitely tell the difference between 60fps and 30. That is if they could play them, of course, which they absolutely cannot.”

When asked what would be done with this information, Seymour and Reeves confirmed that work had begun on tiny portable consoles that could hopefully be operated by a crow. Until the technology is available, scientists have urged the public to remember that when a crow squawks they are most likely pleading with you to describe to them your most recent gaming experience.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Opinion: It Is Literally Impossible for Me to Be the Impostor

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

Okay, first off, I don’t even know why we’re having this Emergency Meeting. Don’t get me wrong, Yellow’s death is a tragedy, and we’re all going to miss the way that she swiped keycards and reconnected wires. But we’ve got an Impostor on board! We can’t waste time sitting around pointing fingers, least of all at me, because it’s literally impossible for me to be the Impostor.

I mean, sure. I was the one who found Yellow’s body. And sure, it was right after the lights mysteriously shut off. And sure, after our last Emergency Meeting, I just stood around waiting for everyone to leave. But does that make me an Impostor? I think it makes me a good friend who watches their friends’ backs and honors the dead, unlike some of the suspicious people around here.

Yeah, I’m talking to you, Red. You’re so sure that you were in Communications. I don’t even know where that is! There’s probably not even a vent in there. And trust me, I’d know! Cause I’m not the Impostor, which means I need to know every location an Impostor would hide. 

And what about you, Blue? Mr. “I completed my tasks.” What are you doing with all your spare time, huh? I’ve been following him around relentlessly from room to room, and let me say that he’s acting mighty sus. It could totally be him, or any of you, really. Not me though.

What tasks do I have? I’ll get to that in just a moment.

Now, what do you say we vote not to eject anyone, and continue about our day. It’s the logical thing to do. Cool? Okay, great. We’re basically out of time anyway now that I’m done talking.

While we’re here, I do just want to say if the oxygen for some reason cuts off, I’ll handle turning it back on. Trust me, I’ve got it all under control.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Kamala Harris Turns Off Debate Cam

Posted on by Nick Ortolani

SALT LAKE CITY — Vice Presidential hopeful and former California Attorney General Kamala Harris switched off the debate camera Wednesday night, obscuring crucial footage of the event.

“Most of the incident was captured,” Harris clarified in a totally not rehearsed statement. “While engaging with the individual in question — Vice President Mike Pence — a scuffle ensued, and the camera deactivated.”

“Did I get that right?” she added. “Sorry, I had to have a former LAPD chief coach me through my statement. This will all be detailed in my report, and I’m confident the American people will find I acted with the necessary amount of force.”

Harris’s conservative critics suddenly displayed a keen interest in police accountability and active bodycams after the debate.

“We simply cannot allow our politicians to act with the same impunity as our police,” lamented a wet-mouthed Tucker Carlson. “It damages our trust in these civic actors to see them simply discard evidence without first planting it on a minority suspect. Radical leftist groups like Black Lives Matter and the Wall Street Journal have advocated for police reform, but what about police reform for those who are no longer cops? Or never were cops? How can we expect to have police reform if we dont reform everyone else first? This is about the integrity of the law. To ensure its proper execution, we need to hold our politicians to the same standard of conduct as the rest of us, as long as they’re women.”

For now, the public only has conflicting eyewitness accounts of the debate.

“You can’t really trust any official source,” claimed Patrick Monhegan, editor of the Blue Anon conspiracy theory magazine. “Some people say Harris was mild-mannered and collected; others report she opened a portal to Hell after grinding up and smoking her birth control. Personally, I get most of my news from police scanners and goat entrails, and I’m currently waiting on the official police account. If it confirms the police narrative while disregarding the accounts of witnesses, omitting large sections of information, and contradicting the circumstantial evidence, then I know I can believe it.”

Meanwhile, law enforcement officials are unsure how to attack and agitate the gathering conservative protestors — a group mostly consisting of officials’ families.

Scientists Now Believe British Proto-Metal Bands May Have Made Fires, Used Basic Tools

Posted on by Ted Pillow

LONDON — Researchers at the London Institute of Hard Rock released new scientific findings today that suggest some British proto-metal bands were capable of starting fires and using basic tools.

“These results are absolutely stunning,” said noted anthropologist Dr. Terrence Wallenthorpe. “The nomadic tribes known as ‘proto-metal bands’ displayed far more capability than we ever realized — in fact, our latest excavations reveal they even started fires inside of the dank, cramped motel rooms in which they took shelter. Additionally, the walls of these rooms display remnants of crude drawings, which indicate that the bands were likely not refunded their security deposit. Also, these guys really loved pentagrams and boobs.”

Surviving members of England’s nearly extinct proto-metal era shed more light on the findings.

“Of course we started fires, mate,” explained Peter “Knobby” Dendrige, guitarist for British proto-metal band Wicked Incantation. “We weren’t Neanderthals, you know? I wish I could tell these scientists what it was like on the road with Sabbath in ’71, but my memory’s shot. Also, I got kicked off the tour in the first week because I tried to kill Bill Ward by pushing a really big rock on top of him. Little bastard thought he was special just cuz he had opposable thumbs. That’s fucking cheating, ya dodgy prick!”

Indeed, evidence found at a recent archaeological dig in Birmingham proves that some proto-metal musicians were far more advanced than once thought.

“These bands displayed incredible technical command of instruments such as guitars and drums,” explained Dr. Janice Hemswood, professor of archaeology at the University of Oxford. “But it’s been thought they were otherwise unable to master even the most rudimentary tools. However, unearthed tour footage shows proto-metal musicians regularly used bottle openers, Zippo lighters, and even switchblades. Less advanced members may not have been able to live on their own in the wild, but were generally able to operate a bass guitar.”

Leading scientists in the field are also studying a recently discovered live recording of “Led Zeppelin II” for signs of human language.

Kavanaugh Declares Next Supreme Court Justice Is Whoever Butt-Chugs This Handle of Jäger First

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

WASHINGTON — Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh tried to create a new judicial nomination process yesterday, in which Ruth Bader Ginsberg’s successor will be whoever ingests a full handle of Jägermeister first via their anus.

“This is one of the most important Supreme Court appointments in all of American history, so we need to make sure we’re getting the right person,” Kavanaugh stated while performing endurance tests on various funnels. “This was so huge, I even brought my buddy Squee to help come up with this new procedure. Look, all the candidates crushed law school and were on the bench for a million years — they’re all so qualified. How can you even decide anymore? If you can butt-chug a handle of Jäger, then we know you’re the real deal.”

Many potential nominees appreciated the innovation.

“I think it’s smart to really take our political leanings out of the balance,” commented potential nominee Melissa Murray. “Left and right leanings are so divisive; it almost seems the fairest to use a non-partisan method of choosing. Funneling liquor through my sphincter is not ideal — especially with how goopy and syrupy Jäger in particular is — but for the opportunity to fight for civil liberties and retain Roe v. Wade? Worth it, even if it’s been chilled.”

CEO Jeff Popkin was thrilled Jägermeister was included in such an historic moment.

“This nomination will affect global power structures and the course of history so profoundly, there’s only one licorice-flavored alcohol that can do the job,” Popkin said while reviewing designs for Jägermeister-branded justice robes and an RBG-tribute beer pong table. “Not thrilled with the butt-chugging element, as Jäger’s consistency is not conducive to it, so it’ll leak right back out… and also, it’s super dangerous. But, hey — this is an exciting moment for our brand. Let’s see Sambuca affect the course of human history.”

Justice Neil Gorsuch wrote the majority opinion in support.

“You want your political leaders to share your views and work for your interests, but it’s so performative, you’re better off finding someone with whom you wouldn’t mind shotgunning 20 Natty Lights or playing Edward 40-Hands,” said Gorsuch. “Remember, this appointment is forever, so we gotta make sure they’re not a pussy.”

5 Plausible Theories for Why That Other Guy in ZZ Top Doesn’t Just Grow a Beard Already

Posted on by Bobby Korec

ZZ Top are well known for their slew of hits that my uncle listens to when checking out Harley Davidson prices online despite not having a motorcycle or even a driver’s license, as well as two of three of their members brandishing some of the most unkempt beards in rock history.

But if you Google image this band like I do whenever I want to be reminded why not to grow a beard you’ll notice that there’s this third guy in the group who has never had a beard himself. Ever. This man is none other than their curiously named drummer, Frank Beard. But why though?

Here are five legitimate theories for why this guy has never gone all-in with facial hair.

He’s More of a Mustache Guy
There are literally no photos in existence where he doesn’t flaunt a 70s porn star’s assistant mustache. Believe us, we checked out all six photos of him online. And while those other two guys clearly want ZZ Top to be “that bearded band,” Frank still has hope to be known as “that one guy with a mustache band.”

He’s Not About to Hide That Masculine Jawline
Brad Pitt, Jon Hamm, ZZ Top drummer. What do they all have in common? Those incredibly manly jawlines of course. There’s no way in hell you cover up a chiseled lower half of your face with a dumbass beard, and this is why Frank remains the clear heartthrob of the group.

He Likes Spaghetti Way Too Much
There’s just no way the band’s heavily bearded ones have ever properly enjoyed stuffing their faces with a heaping plate of pasta slathered with sauce and meatballs without obvious facial hair repercussions afterward. Frank has clearly taken note and remains loyal to his weekly pasta night.

He Needs to Look Professional for Job Interviews
Frank still has it in his head that this ZZ Top thing won’t last, despite those fat royalties still rolling in from their Back to the Future III appearance. This is why Frank is active on LinkedIn and ready to be head hunted by a mid-level marketing manager at a moment’s notice.

He Doesn’t Want It To Affect His Craft
It’s common knowledge that a beard hinders your performance on drums. Look no further than Dave Grohl. When he was the drummer for Nirvana his face was clean as hell. Foo Fighters singer and guitarist though? BEARD. One can only conclude that beards and drums simply don’t mix.

All of Guitarist’s Furniture Made of Various Configurations of Amps

Posted on by John Dixon

BROCKTON, Mass. — Local guitarist Brett Rich furnished his new apartment with nothing more than a variety of amps and other musical equipment he had lying around anyway, uncomfortable sources over to watch Netflix confirmed.

“Both furniture and amps are crazy expensive, so when it came down to buying a full, diverse rig or some stupid couch I won’t even use half the time, it was an easy decision,” Rich said from atop a small throne of mismatched Oranges and Marshalls. “Plus, as you can see, amps can be just as comfortable as anything you might see at Jordan’s Furniture — all you need to do is align them just right and make sure none of the knobs are sticking into your back.”

Rich’s partner, Benji Garska, disagreed.

“Literally every single piece of furniture is uncomfortable in a new and exciting way… especially the bed, with how all the handles and raised corners hit every last pressure point in my body at the same time,” said Garska while sitting on the floor. “You know Brett actually had furniture when all this started, and threw it all away to make room for more amps because he wanted to start a doom metal band? I wish I had at least kept a futon, or some pillows. Anything.”

“He claims it’s gonna ‘prepare him for the discomforts of tour life,’ but that’s bullshit if I’ve ever heard it,” added Garska. “Nobody cares about doom metal.”

Lana Fredricks, an interior designer specializing in amplifier furniture, advised Rich as he designed his new living arrangements.

“A lot of musicians make this change — it’s sort of a natural progression as they start turning into massive gearheads,” Fredricks said. “Recently I helped someone construct an entire tiny house from amplifiers. But when a neighborhood prankster plugged in a couple of the amps, the feedback was so loud that two of the neighbors have permanent hearing loss. Nobody has seen a bird in the neighborhood for weeks.”

At press time, Rich was seen discarding a vintage tube amp that was previously serving as a table until he ruined it by spilling a drink on it, claiming he had no use for a busted amp.

REPORT: Nobody in Group Chat Touching That One

Posted on by Andy Holt

NEW YORK — Members of a local group chat insisted that they wouldn’t be going anywhere near that comment, preferring to let things die down and change the subject later on, maybe in the morning.

“We’ve been down this road before,” said Hannah Peters about the text from her college friend Dave Thompson. “Last year Dave said Deadwood was the best show of the century so far, and when I texted back that I liked The Leftovers better, everybody got into a five-hour argument that ended up with Dave saying he was ashamed to be our friend.”

When asked for details about the text in question, everyone in the chat refused to answer.

“Is this a trap? I bet Dave sent you. No way I’m falling for that one,” said longtime group chat member Billy Pryor, who met Dave through a friend of a friend and doesn’t love his vibe. “First I tell you what I think about his text, then Dave gets wind of it, and all of a sudden I have 60 unread messages and he’s subtweeting me. Leave me alone. I barely know this guy.”

Social psychologists claimed Thompson’s behavior was typical among insecure people.

“There’s a certain type of person who needs constant attention to feel valuable, but they’re scared they aren’t interesting enough for anyone to care about them, so they have to purposely irritate everyone in the group chat just to get a reaction,” said Dr. Irene Witten of New York University. “That’s why their takes are always total dogshit.”

UPDATE: Later comments from Dave indicated that he had already read this article, screenshotted it, and was “getting ready to dunk on those losers” any minute now.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.