Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Opinion: I Drink Carrot Juice Now

Posted on October 9, 2020 by Jay Shingle

Increased metabolism, stronger vision, boosted immune system (um, HELLO COVID), reduced cancer risk, lowered cholesterol, and strengthened brain function—these are just six of the endless benefits that come from adding carrot juice to your diet, according to Google and my nutritionist friend, Carla. This is why I drink carrot juice now, with almost every meal.

I drink carrot juice. This is me now. Okay? Okay.

Ever since I quit drinking six months ago, investing in my body and future self has been my replacement identity. Last week I went to the grocery store to get some apple cider vinegar tonic and oat milk, and there it was: a beautiful, frothy, orange liquid screaming at me to better my health. I’ve been a carrot head ever since.

It’s more than a dietary change. It’s an entire lifestyle bro.

I drink it daily. I feel more alert. I feel happier. It pairs with everything: avocado toast, quinoa tacos, and even tastes good in combination with my mint Juul pod (cigarette-free for two weeks now bro). I have a lot of sober friends who are always downing seltzer water for their beverage fixes, and I just don’t get it! It’s like: don’t you know those “natural flavors” could be all sorts of things that they aren’t telling you? Sorry, but when I’m drinking 100 percent carrot juice, I know it’s truly NATURAL. Plus it makes your pee look cool.

What I’m after is the carrot’s beta-carotene, one of the most powerful antioxidants. Have your laugh about carrots improving your eyesight immediately, like in the cartoons, but actually drinking carrot juice can help protect you against eye disorders, like macular degeneration, cataracts, and blindness. Now I’m not a doctor, but I am a spiritual healer.

I used to have coffee in the mornings, but caffeine is over; it’s terrible for you! Cheers to the proud carrot consumers out there; I SEE you!

So yeah, I drink carrot juice now. I live a carrot juice based lifestyle. I have carrot juice friends. We like to get together and talk about how people aren’t drinking enough carrot juice. I found my thing. This isn’t like the two weeks I spent eating acai or the two weeks I spent doing Bikram yoga or the two weeks I spent drinking celery juice, this is legit. I’m a carrot juice guy.

Ok, I’m bored now, who wants to teach me how to brew Kambucha?

Desk Officer Who Sent Violent, Racist Email Reassigned to Uniformed Patrol

Posted on October 9, 2020 by Yash Dare

AURORA, Colo. — Desk Sgt. Shane Winchfeld, an eight-year veteran of the Aurora Police Department, was promoted to patrol duty today after emailing an aggressively worded, racist diatribe to a local citizen, proud department officials confirmed.

“Maybe I was a little stressed,” laughed Winchfeld. “Negative police imagery fueled by these fucking protesters and dweebs on TikTok just got to me. Plus, earlier in the day my wife, who, despite what she might say, I do not abuse, left with the kids and it seems like it’s for good this time. So, when the station got an email saying we need to do a better job in communities of color, I just lost my shit and fired off that reply. Something changed in me. And now, with a gun in my hand, I truly feel that I can use that anger to protect and serve the property of white people all around the city from anyone even a shade darker than me.”

Cpt. Mark Mingus, Winchfeld’s commanding officer, is confident in the move.

“Sgt. Winchfeld’s emails are violent, disturbing, and unfitting for an administrative law enforcement agent,” said Mingus. “He has so much hatred inside his body that it makes him perfectly suited for an armed and uniformed police officer. The vitriol and anti-Black sentiment Winch displayed — the way he shot that hollow, pointed email at a concerned citizen without considering the consequences — is going to translate perfectly to the beat.”

Community advocates are deeply worried by Winchfeld’s reassignment, as well as the effect it will have on an already tense relationship between the APD and over-policed Coloradans.

“Sgt. Winchfeld’s move from the desk to the street following the obscene email he sent me is, in essence, a paradigm of the systemic racism we condemn,” said Alysha James, the woman who initially reached out to APD to express her concern. “We know the state of affairs: we see it in the unlawful searches of our properties, in the shootings of our unarmed youth… hell, we saw it when an off-duty desk officer kicked a Mexican girl off her bicycle and was promoted to Captain as soon as video footage confirmed it was him.”

As of press time, a judge approved a raid on Alysha James’ residence because she didn’t immediately thank Sgt. Winchfield for directing a racist tirade at her.

The Next Yo La Tengo? I’ve Never Listened To This Band Either

Posted on October 9, 2020 by John Danek

So there I was at a socially un-distanced party at a buddy’s lake house when someone asked if anyone has heard good new music. This girl chimed in and said she saw some band named Inexplicably Wet Hair got a decent review on Pitchfork that day, but no one had actually heard it yet.

And at that moment, we all came to a startling realization: Inexplicably Wet Hair is clearly the next Yo La Tengo!

And by that, I mean: a band you always see get consistently good reviews and decent placement on year-end or best-of-decade lists, but literally no one you will ever meet has listened to them. No one owns an album of theirs or has a concert ticket stub framed. You can’t find anyone who ever chose to watch them at a festival over Interpol or Tyler the Creator or Ween. You’ve never seen a merch shirt of theirs. Hell, I’m not entirely convinced Yo La Tengo exists.

So this all leads me to believe that Inexplicably Wet Hair is the second coming of Yo La Tengo. In researching further for this article, I decided to pull up Spotify and navigate to IWH’s page. The moment I hit play, a few minutes pass by in an instant; my brain feels like it was just listening to music, but I can’t remember what I just heard. Couldn’t even hum it. Did it happen? Did I hear music? Fuck if I know.

I’m going to be really honest with you here, and I’m trusting you with something embarrassing: I thought Yo La Tengo was a mariachi band until I was like 29. Admittedly, this is not my proudest cultural moment. I’ve grown a lot since then! And it’s not just a language thing: I actually bet money once that Archers of Loaf were some Jackass-inspired prank gang who shot up turds with crossbows. What I’m saying is: I’m not bright and I absolutely failed Spanish. And I still haven’t listened to Yo La.

But regardless, I don’t want to look like a moron, so both Inexplicably Wet Hair and Yo La Tengo are going to place highly on my year-end Top 50 Albums list.

Bass Player Orders Lead Singer’s Cameo to Figure Out When Next Practice Is

Posted on October 9, 2020 by Ryan Danley

LOS ANGELES — Ronnie Jordan, the bassist for Los Angeles glam-rock band Humdinger, reached out to his band’s lead singer Dikki Spitz via celebrity video-sharing website Cameo today in hopes of determining when the band’s next practice will be.

“Since our breakout hit, Dikki has been tough to pin down. I sent multiple texts, two emails — I even tried messaging our Facebook fan page. Nothing. Then I remembered he was wishing people ‘Happy Birthday’ on Cameo for $25, so I borrowed some money from my mom and gave it a shot,” said Jordan from his studio apartment. “I know he’s busy with lead singer stuff, so I just requested a simple message about when our band is going to practice next. I gotta say, it was nice to hear his voice… I mean, I’ve been his best friend since the 6th grade.”

While the popularity of the “pay-to-meet” celebrity video is skyrocketing with fans, stars like Spitz rave about how it also has made their life far more manageable.

“I hit up my Cameo fam every day. Before I even have coffee, I wish some folks Happy Birthday and say hey to a few ladies. I even had time to tell the bass player guy that someone from my team would get back to him in the next couple weeks about practice,” said Spitz from his Malibu home. “To be able to talk directly to my people is a dream come true; it keeps me humble. To the fans and the long-time bass player of my own band: I’m no one without you. You’re the real Humdingers.”

Founder of Cameo Daniel Whorley sees situations like Jordan’s as a representation of the many opportunities that lie ahead.

“When we created Cameo, our vision was to create a way for people to get a personalized message from a favorite celebrity. But imagine the possibilities for secondary band members who aren’t included in the songwriting process: a busy lead singer can’t be expected to talk to every random guitar tech, sound guy, or bass player for free,” said Whorely. ”I see a whole new future, where you will pay to talk to all sorts of people who don’t have time for you… maybe your senator, or your boss, or even your rock star or pro athlete parent.”

Jordan was last seen trying to lift his bass and amp onto a city bus.

Alt Right Group Accidentally Kidnaps Michigan J. Frog

Posted on October 8, 2020 by Twitch Plays Hard Drive

LANSING, Mich. — In a comic, but ultimately tragic mishap, a local alt-right militia group attempting to kidnap Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer has accidentally kidnapped famed Warner Brothers mascot Michigan J. Frog.

“I don’t know what the deal with this Governor Michigan is, but all the sudden he ain’t talking,” said alt-right militia member and down-on his-luck-vagrant, Russell Hughes. “I swear to God he was singing and dancing about how we all need to wear masks, but as soon as we tried to show the media, he shuts up! We look like a bunch of damn idiots!”

Fellow cartoon character Foghorn Leghorn was reportedly upset that his friend Michigan had been kidnapped.

“They’re comin’ for us!” Leghorn said, he said, he said, he said, he said, in a press release issued this afternoon. “I tell you, this needs to be dealt with, boy! We need to organize, I say! First Elmer Fudd came for Bugs, and I said, I said, I said, I said nothing because I was not Bugs Bunny, but now they’re pointing guns at all of us!”

According to those familiar with the situation, former Chicago resident Michael Jordan has not kept up with the various cartoon characters he worked with on Space Jam.

“Hey man, it was just a job for me. I’m not keeping up with Taz, or whatever. Plus, I was pretty fucking faded that entire production,” Jordan explained. “I did date Lola Bunny for a few years, but fuck, man, that did not end well. I can’t even see my weird, fucked up half-Jordan, half-bunny kids anymore. I lost those little freaks in the divorce.”

At press time, a bunch of alt-right militia members were seen with small cups trying to kidnap Lake Michigan one glass at a time.

Little Baby Boy Tom Holland Stars in Big Grown Up Movie With Adults

Posted on October 8, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Young baby child and Spider-Man actor Tom Holland stars in the new film The Devil All the Time with all the big grown up actors.

“It was very nice working with such a sweet little boy in my new movie,” said director Antonio Campos. “He’s quite amazing, to be honest; he can do all the big boy acting stuff that the grown-ups do! It’s very cute to watch him working on his little accents and facial expressions and such. I hope he sticks with acting! A lot of kids lose interest as they get older and realize the reality of the industry.”

According to those on set, it was a welcome change having a child running around for once, instead of a bunch of adults, like normal.

“It really brightened the mood of the whole cast, having Tom play pretend with us. You gotta remember sometimes that this whole thing is pretty darn silly. I guess having a baby boy like Tom Holland hanging with the adults made us remember that,” said co-star Robert Pattinson. “Sometimes it’s good to just remember what it’s like to be young and not hung up with the problems that come with adulthood. Oh to be Tom’s age, again. Running around chasing butterflies or whatever it is that children get up to.”

At press time, Holland’s smooshy little baby face explained that he had no idea what any of his co-workers were talking about.

“I swear to god,” Holland said,” every time those guys talk, all I hear is the sound the parents make in Peanuts.”

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Tony Hawk Controversially Wins Tournament After Being Allowed Two Dozen Restarts

Posted on October 8, 2020 by Mark Roebuck

MIAMI — Professional skateboarder Tony Hawk surprised the skateboarding community after winning a tournament by successfully convincing the judges to let him start over consequence-free over twenty times.

“Whoa, the Birdman is back,” said Otto Vaugn, a seriously stoked spectator. “He came out of nowhere and we obviously all freaked out. I mean, just to see Tony Hawk is incredible, let alone witness his return to competition. It was a little soured by the fact that he kept eating shit and asking everyone if it was cool if he restarted, but I mean, who’s going to tell Tony Hawk ‘No’?”

Hawk’s repeated runs at yesterday’s Miami stop of The Dew Tour came following a day’s worth of competition from many of today’s premiere skaters, several of which had mixed feelings about the legend’s return.

“He’s the greatest of all time, there’s no doubt about that,” said Leo Baker, who was recently included in the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2 remake released earlier this year. “But by the end there he was just screaming ‘Restart!’ every time he messed up and not even waiting for the judge’s approval. Super unfair, but we all just decided it’d be best to let him keep going until he did one he felt good about.”

Following what he’d deemed a successful run, that he pointed out still didn’t feel quite perfect, Hawk announced that the competition would then be able to enter the judging phase, where his 360 Varial McTwist into Rowley Darkslide into 1080 Indy Grab into Wallplant into second 360 Varial McTwist earned him perfect marks from the judges.

“Oh man, it’s so good to be back after all of these years,” said Hawk, following his victory. “I get that some people are pissed about all the restarts, but it is important to me to perform at my absolute highest level. If i’m coming back, you better believe I am going to do everything in my power to protect my legacy. This isn’t a game to me, this is skateboarding.”

As of press time, Hawk had declared his intentions to enter the mysterious skating competition being held at Area 51 next month.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Perfect! This Lasagna Recipe Has a 3,000 Word Prologue About Somebody’s Dead Grandma

Posted on October 8, 2020 by Ted Pillow

Dinner was supposed to be served 45 minutes ago and I haven’t even pre-heated the oven yet. But who cares about eating? This lasagna recipe has an incredibly moving 3,000 word prologue about the author’s dead grandma and I am HERE FOR IT.

My girlfriend invited her parents over tonight so I could meet them for the first time and wow them with some homemade cooking. I figured, “How hard could lasagna be?” It turns out the answer is, “Pretty hard if your only guide is a eulogy.”

I was panicked when I started Googling “quick lasagna recipe” as my future in-laws strolled in the door. I was looking for something simple and easy to use. At least, that’s what I thought I wanted. It turns out that what I really needed, deep down inside, was an unsolicited college application essay involving family, comfort food, and a very problematic stance on Mussolini.

Thankfully, that’s exactly what I got from chef Guy LaRusso’s “Fast N Easy Lasagna Recipe.” First, I tried skipping to the end to get straight to the actual instructions. But, fortunately, the recipe has been painstakingly designed to prevent just that, as several essential directions are scattered throughout a powerful prologue detailing LaRusso’s childhood relationship with his grandma.

“Nonna’s cooking apron was a beautifully woven relic from the Old Country,” writes LaRusso. “It was usually covered with the remnants of 2 cans of tomato paste, which is what you’ll need to recreate her authentic lasagna. The apron had been passed down for generations and featured a hand-stitched patch which read simply, ‘Bada Bing!’ I never did get to ask Nonna what it meant…”

Powerful stuff. I’ve been silently sobbing in the kitchen for an hour now. LaRusso really captures his Nonna’s essence, including her journey to America, her struggle to feed a big family on very little money, and a surprisingly graphic depiction of her sex life.

So, did I learn how to make lasagna? No. Will my girlfriend and her parents be pleased when I emerge from the kitchen empty-handed? Certainly not. But I met someone special tonight. A tough old woman from Tuscany who loved her family, knew her way around the kitchen, and who once fucked Tony Bennnett in a public phone booth. And that’s a “Bada bing!” in my book.

Colorado Hides 500 Tons of Pot in Giant Altoids Tin Before Kamala Harris Visit

Posted on October 8, 2020 by Patrick Coyne

DENVER — The entire state of Colorado hid 500 tons of legal marijuana in a building-sized Altoids tin prior to a campaign visit from former California Attorney General and current Vice Presidential candidate Senator Kamala Harris, slightly paranoid and bleary-eyed sources confirmed.

“Weed may be legal here in Colorado, but it’s technically still banned at the federal level… and Kamala used to have a real hard-on for busting pot users, so we’re not taking any chances,” explained Colorado Gov. Jared Polis. “Assuming everyone can get their herb inside the giant Altoids tin, all the head shops pretend to be pet stores as instructed, and no one in the state is a fucking narc, we might just pull this off.”

Civil engineer and massive Altoids tin designer Thomas Hirst admitted, however, that it may not have been the best hiding spot.

“Well, normally an Altoids tin is a great place for weed — the mint smell masks that kush stench nicely, and there’s room for your lighter. Plus, no one’s the wiser if they see it in your car console or something,” said Hirst. “But a 10-story tall mint container in the middle of downtown Denver invites a lot of questions. When Sen. Harris asked about it, we all told her we’d never seen that Altoids tin before, and that Wyoming must have left it behind when they visited last weekend.”

Glenwood Springs resident Gia Simmonds described the nerve-wracking experience of Sen. Harris visiting her town.

“[Harris] stopped by one of the hot springs for a photo-op, and we all just stood nervously, hiding our bongs behind our backs. But my girlfriend ripped a tube right before the motorcade rolled in, so she had to hold the smoke in her lungs for the entire 45-minute visit,” said Simmonds. “At one point, Sen. Harris asked, ‘What’s that smell?’ And we all said, ‘Uhhhh, must be a skunk.’ I hope she bought it.”

Gov. Polis has decided that, in preparation for the scheduled October visit from Vice President Mike Pence, it’ll be easier for all six million Colorado residents to pretend they’re on vacation rather than try to hide every single thing that might offend him.

Opinion: You’re Either a Cat Person or a Dog Person or a Normal Fucking Person Who Likes Both

Posted on October 8, 2020 by Bobby Korec

Time to take a fucking stand, people. You are either a dog person: loyal, social, and agreeable. Or you are a cat person: independent, reserved, and creative. Or you are the mythical third type of human; a mysterious specter, with the unique ability to find gray areas within a seemingly binary issue. You know, a normal fucking person.

Most things in life are not binary, regardless of what your favorite conservative meme would have you believe. Don’t agree? Change my mind.

For a prime example of this, look no further than the heated “cats versus dogs” argument. You see, when building your personality from scratch it’s common practice to base a major part of your identity around your relationship with either cats or dogs, but curiously never both. Why can’t you be a cat person some days and a dog person others? Hell, maybe every once in a while you’ll have a day where you’re a bird person! But never a tarantula person. Those people are weird.

Cats and dogs actually have a lot in common. Not only are they kept as your prisoners in your home only to be let outside and fed at times when you see fit, but they’re both cute as hell. Why limit yourself to just one over the other when you can simply have both types of furry detainees?

On the other hand, have you ever met a cat and couldn’t believe their disinterest in you? Or have you hung around a dog and were floored that they gave everyone more attention than they gave you? Could be that you’re neither a cat or dog person and are literally just an asshole person who forces people to choose between false dichotomies? Animals can sniff that shit out, ya know.

It’s essential to keep an open mind and avoid thinking of the world as black and white. So whether you’re a cat, dog, or “both” person, just be happy you’re not a tarantula person. Seriously, they’re fucking weird.

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