Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Friend Tragically Rejects Offer of Breath Mint

Posted on October 10, 2020 by John Danek

CUMBERLAND, Md. — Local man David Englund sealed his own disastrous fate earlier today by reportedly dismissing a friend’s offer of a spearmint Altoid on their way to movies, dejected sources confirmed.

“To dream that I could save my beloved David from the cruel laughter of the gods by a mere breath mint was perhaps my own hubris,” admitted Elizabeth Foley, carrier of the Altoids. “His tongue is steered by a palette which seeks powerful tastes of onion, garlic, and tuna. Sadly, he found the trifecta prior to our viewing of ‘Downhill’ starring Julia Louis-Dreyfuss and Will Ferrell.”

“I considered that on this eve I may share my true and vast feelings with David,” Foley disclosed. “But alas, I refuse to allow our first kiss be scarred by the taste of rotting corpse; I simply won’t allow it! David walks alone towards Hades, and no mortal being can stop him. I carry my love elsewhere.”

Indeed, Englund seemingly lacks all semblance of self-awareness of odor and hygiene.

“People are always shoving goddamn sticks of gum and tins of mints in my face,” said Englund, who is rarely seen without a large-sized coffee from a gas station. “It’s really offensive — what do they think, I’m poor? That I can’t afford my own mints and gum? Well, bucko, I can: I just choose not to. I don’t like how they taste, and I don’t like how they make my mouth feel. I don’t want it to feel like I’m breathing refreshing winter air; I want the hot steam of a New York subway on garbage day.”

Etiquette coaches across the country agree that the offer of a breath mint shouldn’t be considered an option, but rather a suggestion.

“Just take the fucking mint! Why wouldn’t you?” exclaimed etiquette coach Sandra Kent. “It’s free and literally everyone’s breath smells like shit mere seconds after brushing their teeth. I just can’t think of any reason not to. Allergic to peppermint? Carry spearmint with you. Against your religion? Find a new god. Take the mint. Always take the mint.”

As of press time, Englund was hiring paranormal investigators to determine if ghosts are leaving brand new sticks of deodorant in his mailbox.

Photo by Alex Aho

“They’re Actually In Purgatory,” Reports Every Single Fan Theory

Posted on October 10, 2020 by Charles Bill

NEW YORK — A shocking new fan theory posited by every single Redditor last week claims that your favorite fictional characters are “all in Purgatory waiting to be judged for their sins,” unoriginal, uncreative sources confirmed.

“The first time I ever read a fan theory about characters in ‘Lost’ being in purgatory, I was blown away,” said media enthusiast and consumer Chris Keller. “But by the 17th ‘purgatory’ theory about every show the Internet loves, it started sounding fishy — apparently everyone’s in purgatory, whether it be ‘Spongebob,’ ‘The Golden Girls,’ or the cast of ‘World War II in Color.’ There is some variation — such as the characters only existing in someone’s imagination — but then they go on to postulate that the person imagining the characters is in purgatory. Forgive me for being skeptical, but it just doesn’t seem like Patrick Starr is awaiting eternal judgement in the space between two oblivions.”

Avid fan theory creator Jeremy Boruch declared purgatory as the “only logical explanation of every made-up story in existence.”

“It’s just really obvious when you think about it,” said Boruch. “I’ve examined hundreds of television shows, and uniformly there are hints and clues that the characters are in the waiting room of eternity, and only have each other for company. Like, it was so obvious that in ‘Space Jam,’ Michael Jordan going down the golf hole was a metaphor for his death — the Looney Tunes characters are the angels, and the Monstars are the demons. In fact, the only media I’ve ever seen or read where the characters were not in purgatory was ‘Waiting For Godot.”’

Fictional “Seinfeld” character George Costanza took issue with the theory that his entire life is simply an expiation of sin before he’s allowed to enter Heaven.

“This is ridiculous, Jerry,” said Costanza. “I am not in purgatory. If anything, this is hell. Hell, Jerry! I’ve had to move in with my parents for the fourth time, and Sally isn’t returning my calls.”

Costanza was then cut off by a demonic Newman shrieking in existential terror.

Since publication, new fan theories have come to light indicating that every pair of attractive male characters secretly want to fuck each other.

White House Claiming Trump Moved to Morgue “Simply as a Precautionary Measure”

Posted on October 10, 2020 by Contributor

WASHINGTON — The White House claimed President Trump’s recent move to a local morgue at the insistence of his doctors was “simply a precautionary measure” despite several rumors to the contrary, definitely not gaslighting officials confirmed.

“Just like with the president’s brief visit to Walter Reed, Trump was moved to, frankly, one of the best mortuaries in the country, out of an abundance of caution. That’s it. And unsurprisingly, the swamp creatures are blowing this way out of proportion,” said campaign manager Bill Stepien. “Doctors have assured us that Trump remains the strongest, healthiest US President in history. His temperature is currently at a perfectly healthy 65.4 degrees Fahrenheit, his entire body is as stiff as a young, supple oak tree, and his skin is as mottled and spongy as ever.”

Stepien however refused to answer when President Trump’s pulse was last tested.

Before the morgue trip, the President hosted a rally in which several supporters noted some odd behavior.

“Things started off great. Hundreds of people in a small, enclosed space with no masks? Sign me up. But when they wheeled Trump out after playing a 45 minutes ‘Best Of’ reel from ‘The Apprentice’ season 2 he kept his eyes closed the whole time, and never really said anything. They painted pupils on his eyelids, but we weren’t fooled,” said rally attendee Will Jacobson. “They tried to jazz things up with some pyrotechnics, but the maintenance crew kept interrupting to chase away vultures that were pecking at the President’s cheeks.”

While the White House continued to downplay the incident, Biden senior advisor Symone Sanders pointed out several strange, possibly related, requests from Team Trump for the next Presidential debate.

“They insisted that the thermostat remain at 36 degrees for the entire evening. And that ‘MAD TV’ alum Frank Caliendo be allowed to answer all questions doing a Trump impression,” said Sanders. “I’m not sure if Trump is dead or not, but on the plus side, corpses can’t spread COVID. So we are now comfortable with Biden attending an in-person debate.”

At press time, rumors of Trump’s demise have raised his approval rating above 50% for the first time ever.

If the Police Are Abolished Who Else Are You Going To Call To Kill You When Your Home Is Being Robbed?

Posted on October 10, 2020 by Kevin Tit

There’s been a lot of talk about police abolition this year and while there have been a lot of well-articulated cases for it, I’m still not completely on board. There’s one thing nobody has mentioned that impacts a lot of Americans. If the police are abolished, what other organization can we call to come kill us when our home is being robbed?

We know that cops will kill anybody, anywhere, any time. In some precincts, that motto has even replaced “to protect and serve.” Now, this may sound like a bad thing but let’s not be cemented in the present, lest we neglect our future. I forget who said that. Probably Columbo.

For instance, I don’t suffer from depression but I have thought about how I would hypothetically kill myself plenty of times before. Fortunately, I’ve seen quite a few stories about homeowners calling the police for help only to be mistaken as the intruder and murdered in cold blood. That’s when it hit me! If I, or anyone like me, decides they want an out from this hellish nightmare we call life, they can just call 911 the boys in blue will put our tax dollars to work and end our misery.

This tradition transcends race and class. Everyone can rely on this service. One of the only true examples of equality in this country. You can’t get this service from anywhere else. Firefighters won’t do it. Doctors won’t do it. Only the police department has the authorization to kill like this. If we get rid of them, who else do we have? Nobody.

This is why I don’t support police abolition. I support police reform. It’s time to stop the reckless killing of innocent people in the streets. Save the executions for those of us in our own homes calling on you for help.

Man Hopes Date Doesn’t Notice He Lied About Being Danzig

Posted on October 10, 2020 by Sari Beliak

LOS ANGELES –– Local man Eric Dunklin secretly hopes his Tinder date Melissa Chavez doesn’t notice he lied about being Glenn Danzig on his dating profile, curious bar patrons reported.

“Yeah, I know it’s dishonest, but everybody lies on these dating apps,” said the 36-year-old Dunklin while using the bathroom during his date at a local dive bar. “I’ve been trying to get back out there since Shelly left me, and I wanted to make a good first impression… so when Melissa and I started messaging and hit it off, I may have embellished a bit about myself, and led her to believe I’m the frontman for the Misfits.”

“I hope I haven’t totally blown it,” he added. “When I asked her what she was looking for in a partner, she never specifically mentioned that she was looking for Danzig, so maybe I still have a chance with her.”

Despite his best efforts, onlookers reported that Dunklin’s date was immediately and visibly disappointed.

“As soon as we started talking, I just knew this guy wasn’t Danzig,” said a disappointed Chavez. “I keep meeting these losers who say all the right things and look stocky and shirtless in their profile pictures, but then I meet them, and it’s pretty obvious they’ve never even heard of Samhain, let alone fronted them. I don’t know why this keeps happening to me. I just want what everyone wants — to meet Danzig and fall in love. But I just don’t think I can put myself out there to be tricked like this again.”

Relationship experts claim that, although it may be tempting, it’s best to avoid misrepresenting yourself as Glenn Danzig on dating apps.

“With more people meeting online, it can seem harmless to tell a white lie or two, but you can’t base a relationship on lies,” said relationship coach Elizabeth Trents. “Eventually, the other person is gonna find out you weren’t really in a well-known horrorcore band and you’ll have to come clean. It’s best to just say something vague, like you liked their earlier stuff, or your cousin saw them in Jersey once. But the most important thing is to just be yourself, even if that isn’t Glenn Danzig.”

Chavez has since become more vigilant in her swiping, keeping a close eye out for Graves-era Bumble profiles.

Kids With Two Living Parents Demand Representation in Disney Films

Posted on October 9, 2020 by Dan Kozuh

BURBANK, Cali. — A protest was held outside Disney headquarters earlier this week by the organization Kids of Two Loving Parents (KoTLP) demanding that the company start representing them in their kids’ films.

“I grew up watching Disney films and thought I was weird for having two parents,” KoTLP founder Meghan Torres said during the protest. “How come one of my parents hadn’t died tragically? How come I didn’t have any step-siblings? From Snow White to Big Hero 6, we were given depictions of fractured homes that were wholly unrealistic. I used to be so jealous of the orphan I went to school with, not to mention Katie’s whose mom died, like, right when Finding Nemo came out. How lucky was she?!”

Disney publicity officer, Leslie James, understands KoTLP’s concerns but defends her company.

“We here at Disney want everyone to feel like they are part of the Disney family, even if they have a family of their own,” James said in a press statement. “Rapunzel is reunited with both of her parents in Tangled, and what about The Incredibles? Is Moana’s mom alive, I can’t remember. I think she was. See, there’s another one. We hope to represent everyone. For every Max Goof, whose mom just doesn’t seem to exist, there is a Miguel from Coco who has both of his parents. I think we literally just forgot to put a father in Spies In Disguise but he is alive in the story’s canon.”

USC Film History professor Mandy Mills, however, feels Disney has a long road ahead of it.

‘Belle, Jasmine, Lilo & Nani, Tiana, Bambi, Tarzan, Ariel, Elsa & Anna, Cinderella, I mean, and those are just the big box-office films. And where is Andy’s dad in Toy Story?! We don’t know,” Mills said during a lecture on underrepresented groups in film. “Where is the film for little Billy and Susy whose parents are still together after 25 years and have family board game night once a week? Look at Onward, they are trying to bring back the spirit of their dead father! What child from a two-parent household can relate to that?!”

As of press time, Diney contacted us to remind us that both of Mulan’s parents are still alive.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Lost Red Bull Car Ends Up in Military Parade

Posted on October 9, 2020 by Kevin Flynn

PYONGYANG — Confusing intelligence officials who initially mistook it as some unusual model of short-barrel tank, a Red Bull branded SUV reportedly found itself lost in the middle of a recent North Korean military parade celebrating the 75th anniversary of the Workers’ Party of Korea, sources say.

“The North Korean government loves to use their parades as an opportunity to show off their new military vehicles, so when we saw a small silver and blue vehicle with a large canister pointing at a 45-degree angle, we assumed it was just another new weapon they’d built,” said Philip Moore, member of a watchdog group working to monitor the proliferation of nuclear weapons. “Now that we’ve reviewed some higher-resolution satellite photos, it’s clear that it’s actually just one of those old Red Bull cars that you’d see at music festivals. It’s really hard to say how it ended up there, but I know one thing for sure: it’s definitely lost.”

U.S. intelligence officials were equally surprised by the news, but said that the car could be a powerful strategic asset on the ground in Pyongyang.

“We’re working hard to try and get in contact with the driver of the Red Bull car,” said an unnamed State Department official. “Since these are promotional vehicles, it’s very possible that there are still unopened cans of Red Bull in the car’s trunk. It might even have a built-in mini fridge to keep the drinks cold. If we could somehow get the driver of the car to convince Kim Jong Un to try a free Red Bull, it could exacerbate his recent heart condition, neutralizing him and preventing the threat of military strike against the U.S.”

The State Department official was enthusiastic that the presence of the Red Bull car could be an advantage for the U.S. amid cold relations with North Korea.

“It’s good to have plenty of strategic assets in a tense diplomatic standoff, and we’ve actually seen this approach work before. We snuck an Oscar-Meyer Weinermobile into the German–Soviet military parade in Brest-Litovsk in 1939 and that was a hugely important part of why we beat the Nazis.”

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

Terrified at the Thought of Saving Money for a Few Months, Canadian Gamblers Risk it All

Posted on October 9, 2020 by The Hard Times Staff

TORONTO, Canada – Thousands of career gamblers faced with the terrifying prospect of actually saving some money for once have chosen instead to do the courageous thing and risk their lives in an unregulated, illegal and unsanitary casino. Rather than sacrifice their weekly tradition of handing over their life savings to ruthless casino operators, these patriotic Canadian gamblers have branched out and taken matters into their own, unwashed hands.

In typical overbearing fashion, the ever-cautious Canadian government recently tried to meddle in the lives of decent God-fearing citizens by shutting down large public entertainment venues like casinos until this whole “deadly-virus-that-threatens-to-kill-us-all” thing blows over. The audacity of these governments to enact logical and rational measures in an attempt to save the lives of their citizens continues to be a topic of much controversy throughout the second half of 2020 and shows no sign of abating.

Naturally, gamblers across the country flew into a frenzy of panic at the thought of not being able to wager every last penny of their hard earned cash on statistically unfavorable games of chance and immediately started searching for alternative options. However, unable to attend their local money-swallowing haunts, Toronto gamblers were forced to find new and novel ways to keep alive that endearing dream of winning the ever elusive jackpot.

Rather than the obvious choice – stay safely at home and play online at real money US casinos – the risk-hungry hockey fans decided that a 46.37% chance of winning at American roulette is far more attractive than a 99.9% chance of not slowly choking to death on your own phlegm.

As a result, thousands of gamblers recently descended upon an opulent Toronto mansion converted into a high-stakes casino the likes of which Lucky Luciano himself would find excessive. The illegal casino’s operator and blatant Ontario native Hei Hei Hei, decked out the 20,000 sq ft mansion with luxury items like shark fin poutine, hot tubs full of maple syrup, genuine grizzly bear croupiers, and 17 different types of hockey-themed slot machines.

Keeping in-line with the theme of the party – ‘Risky Business’ – Wei ensured not a single mask or bottle of hand sanitizer was anywhere to be found on the premises, ensuring his patrons were given the best possible chance of never coming back to collect their winnings. However, Hei’s casino kingpin dreams were cut short after local authorities became suspicious of a queue at a nearby ATM that resembled the ticket line for a Canadiens-Maple Leafs Stanley Cup Final.

Following a three-day stakeout at a nearby poutinerie, 174 mounties armed with standard issue Wayne Gretzky signature series hockey sticks raided the illegal casino in the early hours of Monday morning, arresting Hei, his wife, his mother-in-law, several patrons, four tuxedoed grizzly bears, and a very confused Uber driver. Several more patrons who had lost their homes that evening by doubling down on a particularly tense game of Sic Bo begged to also be arrested along with Hei and his family but were denied on the grounds that their dry, chesty coughs were disturbing the all-round jolly nature of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP).

“Sorry aboot that, eh,” offered Mountie-in-Training Jonny Zamboni.

The operation was part of a much larger investigation into the illegal underground activities of highly skilled, card-counting caribou believed to frequent such establishments and fleece patrons of their hard earned Canadian dollars.

“The fact that these upstanding citizens, who otherwise would never expose themselves to unnecessarily risky behaviour, tried to pit themselves against the mighty Caribou is beyond explanation,” said Chief of the RCMP, Jerry “H-E-double-hockey-sticks” Barnburner. “Honestly, it’s like they just have no concern for their own well-being. Oh, and also they didn’t wash their hands. Seriously guys, the hands.”

Mounties confiscated several tons of gambling equipment, 4,000 litres of maple-syrup moonshine, six of those cool hats that look like moose heads, $700,000 CAD, zero masks, a PHL-16 multiple rocket launcher, and a coupon for 1 free Nanaimo bar at Nicky’s Midnight Diner.

Early reports suggest that evidence discovered during the raid may help to provide further clues as to the masterminds behind the notorious Card-counting Caribou Cartel who prey on idiotic and irresponsible citizens. However, until further action can be taken, police advise all citizens to maybe just stay home and stop being so silly, eh?

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week — Oops! All Donkey Kong

Posted on October 9, 2020 by Owen Crowlie

I’ll admit to you, dear readers, that this week was a bit of a crisis for me. Not many people were commenting on our articles, and I was worried that I wouldn’t have any material for the column this week. Then I noticed that all of you had seemingly focused all attention towards one article about Donkey Kong. I should have never doubted you all; you were simply waiting for your muse. I won’t keep you waiting any longer. Let’s take a trip to Donkey Kong Country.

5. Study: 85% of Christians Still Do Not Believe Humans Evolved From Donkey Kong

Signmanstrr AC:NH knows the first step of debating: don’t. By giving non-believers a platform, we are validating their position. How else would we be able to play DK Bongos unless we had genetically inherited the ability from Donkey Kong himself?

4. Study: 85% of Christians Still Do Not Believe Humans Evolved From Donkey Kong

Thankfully, rising global temperatures means more tropical climates for bananas to grow in. Life will go back to how it was meant to be — riding rhinos, shooting out of barrels and living in a cave with our immense banana hordes. I’d trade capitalism for fighting giant crocodiles any day.

3. Study: 85% of Christians Still Do Not Believe Humans Evolved From Donkey Kong

Classic character creationist argument. If this were true, all humans would look like giant penis monsters and would have been given up on by the civilization stage. Not to mention, the universe would have crashed to desktop millions of years ago.

2. Study: 85% of Christians Still Do Not Believe Humans Evolved From Donkey Kong

Creationists will tell you that all those coconuts found near the skeletons of megafauna are planted, but we all know the truth. Anthropologists have been studying this primitive technology for decades.

1. Study: 85% of Christians Still Do Not Believe Humans Evolved From Donkey Kong

Finally, your dream has come true
Turns out you’re a member of the D-K crew!
Your smart, and clever, thanks to humanity
But that means you live in a so-ciety!
You can vote, but it does not matter
This Kong has no actual power!
You can’t lift boulders, can’t run up a tree
This Kong doesn’t even use their degree!
Huh!

Thank you to all you wonderful Kongs for your comments! If you want a chance to be featured in next week’s column, be sure to leave a comment on any of our posts across social media. Have a great week everyone!

Get Dead’s New Record Ominously Shows Up in Trump’s Streaming Library

Posted on October 9, 2020 by Noah Leavy

BETHESDA, Md. — White House officials were alarmed this morning after President Donald Trump discovered a presumed threat to “Get Dead” when scrolling through his music streaming library.

“I woke up to this text blast to all the staffers that said ‘ANTIFA THREAT IN MY ITUNES’, and ‘Need leftists out of phone now!’” confirmed a source close to the President’s inner circle. “Turns out some album showed up in his music library, which he only uses for his special recordings of Ivanka breathing, and I guess the title scared him? He ended up deleting everything on that phone.”

Despite quickly attributing the oversight to the band Get Dead’s new album, ‘Dancing with the Curse,’ President Trump tweeted directly to Apple Music executives to “share concerns over a personal threat being directed at him,”.

“We’re not sure what happened. Normally, I’d see a call from the President as a career highlight, but none of us anticipated this. He berated me to ‘track down’ ‘the far left terrorists who told him to get dead’ or my career would be over. That’s not even close to proper grammar. He knows I don’t work for him, right?” said Apple Music executive Mariam Abreu. “We have no clue who would have done this, we didn’t even know he used our service, and we certainly don’t go out of our way to give indie artists free exposure.”

Get Dead themselves were also initially frazzled by Trump’s exposure to the new release, according to bassist Tim Mehew.

“When we first heard it ended up in his library, we were like, ‘Oh, fuck.’ But when he tweeted calling for us to be investigated by DHS, we were like ‘fuck, yeah!’” explained Mehew. “Obviously, the new record rips, but having a fan in a Nazi president would be a PR nightmare, so we’re glad he hated it. Having Trump dislike our music is honestly the most scene cred anyone could ask for. Honestly, we’re still pissed our side project, Don’t You Dare Fucking Die, couldn’t push out a release before RBG passed, but you win some and lose some.”

At press time, officials were attempting to delete various apps and albums the President accidentally downloaded in a late-night MSG and powdered cheese-induced fever.

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