ZANESVILLE, Ohio — Local Payroll Specialist and office pest Derek Norton decided to prioritize having children as a means of carrying on his supposed “family legacy,” despite his true legacy still being his three DUIs, confirmed sources who witnessed the man come to this conclusion following a near death experience at an adults-only trampoline park last Friday evening.
“I’m good breeding stock,” Norton incorrectly self-reported. “I have to have children to pass on my genes, which have an enormous tolerance for alcohol; my fine motor skills, which are fine enough to nearly dodge a school bus; and my pain tolerance, which can’t feel a nail even after it’s dug all the way through the meat of my foot. I mean let’s face it: without children and not counting the dent to the side of the Papa John’s, what does a man really leave behind?”
Still, the quest for love has not been an easy one for Norton, with potential partners seeming less than thrilled by his offer to “get inseminated on.”
“There’s a tradition in Ohio to publicly shame the wine-os by making them get special license plates,” said Dana Haywood, who went on two Tinder dates with Norton a while back. “When Derek showed up to our first date with that license, I knew it was gonna be rough. But for several months now, he’s been trying to tell me differently. Well, good for him for trying, I guess.”
Even Norton’s family seems less than optimistic about his chances at reproduction.
“Derek is a wonderful boy,” said his mother, Marilyn Norton. “He was on the football team in high school. And he survived crashing into the quarry. So he’s really our miracle baby. But in a realer, greater sense, he’s also a layabout and a stain on the family name. Let’s face it, kids are a blessing from the Lord above. And Derek, let’s face it, is not a very blessed man. In fact, I’d go so far as to say, God hates him.”
At press time, Derek Norton was attempting to pay the 19-year-old waitress at TGI Friday’s to blow into the breathalyzer tube that starts his car. More on this story as it develops.
