Hey man, I’ve noticed some things about you since you moved to Vegas. For one, you’ve completely shaved your head, and I’m not buying your bullshit about “male pattern baldness”, either. Your hair was like a goddamned lion’s mane the last time I saw you, and that fivehead isn’t going to suddenly show itself over the course of a couple months. Another thing, I saw your Honda Civic pull into the Luxor parking garage last Wednesday, and it just so happened that the Blue Man Group was performing there that night. So be straight: are you one of them? Legally, you have to tell me.
So go on, out with it. Have you, in fact, joined the famed performance art company that’s taken the world by storm for more than three decades? I flat-out asked you to your face, so it’s technically against the law for you to lie. I went to high school with a girl whose cousin was a member of the Blue Man Group, and when she asked him, he lied to her, and he ended up going to prison. I know this because she told me. Well, she didn’t, necessarily, but a guy who used to live next door to her did. Do you want to go to prison? We’re friends, but I’ll call the cops on you if I have to.
Look, this situation can get ugly really fast. I know the rules, and I even thought about applying to law school before I learned that I likely wouldn’t get in without a high school diploma. Regardless, I’ve learned the ins and outs of our country’s justice system after several run-ins with my local police department. We don’t need to get into the details, but suffice it to say I thought that construction zone’s copper wire was free for the taking. So, what’s it going to be? Are you an anonymous, blue paint-slathered performance artist or not? I’m going to find out either way, so you might as well adhere to the legislation that governs our society and fess up to it.
I’ve made my case, and because we’re friends, I’m going to give you a few minutes to dwell on it. You’d better think carefully, and in the meantime, I’m starting to suspect that guy over there is in Cirque du Soleil, and he’d better be forthright with me if I approach him about it.
