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24-Year-Old Can’t Believe How Young and Foolish He Used to Be

LINCOLN, Neb. — Recent college graduate Todd Tyler reflected yesterday on the follies of his youth, appreciating his maturity now that the 24-year-old has finished the aging process, according to multiple sources.

“A few years ago, I really had my head up my ass,” said Tyler, hanging his Associate’s Degree in Screenwriting in his room at his parent’s house. “Up until freshman year of college, I was actually straight edge, if you can believe that. My buddy had this fake ID, and we’d get smashed on cheap beer in our dorm room… but now I see how much of a waste of time that was. Now, we go down to O’Houlihan’s Tap House and drink microbrews until we are wasted.”

Tyler admitted he once played guitar in pop-punk band I Am Jack’s Pubes for several years, and was more often than not paid in beer — an arrangement the band preferred.

“It’s so embarrassing looking back. We broke up over an argument over what to name our first EP. They wanted to name the album Pubenation; I wanted to name it Land of the Pubes and the Home of the Pubes. Those guys were my best buds, and now, we barely text,” said Tyler. “I thought those days would last forever, but, alas, things change. The other day, when my mom gave me cash to buy pants for my job interview, we laughed about how she used to give me money to buy new strings for my guitar. But, that’s just what growing up is all about.”


Tyler recently moved back in with his mother, Angie, following his recent eviction and termination from his part-time job at a piercing kiosk in the mall. However, both seem happy with the arrangement.

“Both my boys are back home now. My oldest son really got screwed over in his divorce, so I converted my office back to a bedroom for him. But Todd can stay here as long as he wants — he’ll always be the baby,” she said. “But it is a little bit of a strain, having two adult men eating all my food. Hopefully, Todd nails this interview at Spencer’s Gifts and can finally start contributing around here.”

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Article by Mark Roebuck @mark_roebuck.