All Cops Are Bastards Even If They Can Collect All Five COMBO Letters While Scoring 12,376,400 Points

Alright, listen up. I’ve heard of you bootlicking posers that have been asking if this or that person is excused from the rule that all cops are bastards. Just so everyone will shut up, I’m going to make this abundantly clear: All cops are bastards, no excuses. Not even if they can collect the five COMBO letters while using their special meter to score 12,376,400 points.

When we say all cops, yes, that means even Officer Dick. Even if you recorded a clip where he did a sick vert and then landed right into a 50-50 grind on the helicopter’s blades. First of all, that sounds sick as fuck and if anybody else actually did that they would be cool as shit, but it can’t make up for the fact that we need to totally defund the police, no matter how long and dangerous those helicopter blades are.

Rodney Mullen performing skate magic with his deck on concrete barriers and flatground is dope. Officer Dick doing the exact same thing is propaganda for state-sponsored violence and racism. Plain and simple.

And I know what you’re saying: what if Officer Dick found all the SKATE letters and the secret video tape? Honestly, I can’t think of anything more typical of a narc than stealing private property from citizens who are just exercising their right to kickflip peacefully in an abandoned airplane hangar. It makes me sick.

Honestly, the worst part is that he looks like Jack Black. Do you know how painful it is for me to call Jack Black a bastard? This is as hard for me as it is for you.

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We Figured Out What Cocteau Twins Were Saying but It’s Too Late, the Prophecy Is Already in Motion

Oh no. Oh fuck. It’s really happening, isn’t it? The Cocteau Twins tried to warn us all along, but we were too foolish, and now it’s far too late. Ever since we translated their nonsense language into English, all of the insane bullshit that’s been happening lately finally makes sense. They tried to warn us and we didn’t listen. God, how could we be so blind?

It all seemed so innocent, those dreamy pop vocals and catchy hooks, we didn’t even question why they mostly sang in gibberish. How could we have known that ‘Cherry-coloured Funk’ was warning us against the geopolitical climate that led to 9/11? The whole thing was laid out step by step for us. They named Bin-Laden personally for Christ’s sake!

How were we supposed to know that in the second verse (I think it’s a new verse? God these songs are fucking weird.) of ‘Fifty-Fifty Clown’, the line “Flave bleu forneau nuveau depardieu noir” was really saying, “Keep an eye on the housing bubble in 2008, the bottom is gonna drop out and a lot of people are gonna get fucked, don’t let the bastards get away with it.” That’s exactly what happened, but we didn’t listen, and we didn’t learn.

And did you think the rise of Trump and the alt-right just happened on its own? Not a chance. ‘Heaven or Las Vegas’ lays out the timeline like a fucking roadmap, decades before it happened. We had the playbook right in front of our faces, but we still let it go down because we were too wrapped up in those reverb-soaked pop sensibilities and lush, indecipherable vocals. And now it might be too late to stop what happens next.

Now that Trump has COVID (‘Fotzepolitic’ called that one), the final pieces of The Cocteau Twins’ prophecy are falling into place. They gave us plenty of warnings, but in our time of need, they’ve all but disappeared, leaving us with just one question on our minds: Can we get a reunion tour or an EP or something? Fuck man, we need answers quickly!

Biden-Harris Campaign Promises to Fund More Black-Owned Prisons

WASHINGTON — The Biden-Harris presidential campaign website was updated this morning with a promise to fund more Black-owned prisons, in response to protests calling for prison abolition.

“Representation matters, now more than ever. It’s not enough to just say ‘Black Lives Matter’ — we have to show it,” said campaign spokesperson Janet Perry, offering a pamphlet for the campaign’s Racial Equality Task Force. “That means hiring more BIPOC people to lead all the private prisons currently operating in this country. Black men account for 34% of the prison population, but less than 1% of those prisons are owned and operated by Black entrepreneurs. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris are dedicated to changing that.”

Biden made one of his trademark calls for unity to quell the concerns skeptics have of his new plan.

“It’s more than the representation at the top. We’re also going to increase diversity in prison guards, probation officers, correctional officers, and wardens. We are committed to building a prison staff that reflects America,” said Biden. “The African American community has long been excluded from ‘the table.’ And that is wrong. It shouldn’t only be white people who are profiting off of prison labor; I don’t want prison ownership to be reserved for people who grew up in affluent suburbs. I want inner city boys and girls to achieve their dreams of housing inmates in poor conditions while collecting government money. That’s the American dream.”

Harris echoed Biden’s commitment, reflecting on her dozen years as a career prosecutor and top law enforcement official in California.

“I have long seen the incredible Black women I know from Howard, the brave Indian aunties and cousins I grew up with, all get passed over by less capable men,” said Harris. “As it stands now, there are almost no prisons owned by women of color. Black women have been historically shut out from profiting off of the school-to-prison pipeline, from leadership positions at ICE, and from the boards of the companies capitalizing from private prisons. But we are just as deserving of those opportunities as men. Let me tell you, it’s a lot harder to make a dosa than make a decision to convict someone.”

In related news, President Trump is trying to appeal to his base by promising to convert the entire city of Chicago into one giant prison with daily death matches.

Why Do I Keep Matching on Tinder With the Hitchhiker I Hit With My Car Years Ago?

Okay, this is going to sound bad or whatever but like, 2 years ago I was driving through rural Oregon and blah blah blah, I hit a guy with my car. And now he keeps matching with me on Tinder! I know it’s him because he’s still wearing the same dumb, hard to see, yellow rain slicker he was wearing the night I hit him. It’s like, do you even have any other clothes?!

Okay, before you judge, It was raining super hard. I couldn’t see anything, the curvy roads made it almost impossible to text and he was just standing on the shoulder of the road with his thumb out like an idiot!

Anyways, I grazed him slightly with the front middle of my Xterra and also the back wheels–it was really scary for me! I’m sure he was fine. I mean, I totally would’ve gotten out to check but it was raining really hard, you guys! I mean, did I have to leave my house on a stormy night to get Taco Bell? Uhhhhhh, YES! They were getting rid of the Quesarito! So anyway, it was very traumatic for me and honestly I’ve been trying not to think about it for my own self care.

Now on Tinder lately no matter how many times I swipe left on him he just won’t stop showing up in my feed! He must be a Russian bot, or obsessed with me or something. Also, who holds a giant hook in their picture? I mean, put a fish on it like every other dumbass guy. Just a gross wet shadow with a hook in the dark. What girl is that even supposed to attract? Get a ring light, moron!

I know he’s obsessed with me because his whole profile is like “I know what you did, Julie” and “I’m coming to get you”, and “You killed me, Julie” ummm take a hint, dumbass: NOT INTERESTED!

Or… at least I wasn’t. Okay, here me out. I gotta say I admire his persistence. (I like being pursued!) And c’mon who doesn’t like a mysterious guy? Also, his messages to me have been kinda hot. Like he’s just right out the gate with stuff like, “I’m gonna tear you up” and “Let me in your guts.” Sexy AND confident!? What?
Also his location is listed as “less than a mile away” so it would be nice to just walk home from a date instead of getting an Uber since he messed up my truck!  Our first date is tonight–on the anniversary of the accident!–which is such a crazy coincidence. Anyways, wish me luck, you guys! xoxoxoxox

Vegan Ex Only Condones Cruelty Towards Women

LOS ANGELES — A local man who made the switch to a vegan diet 15 years ago has yet to incorporate the same cruelty-free practices into his dating life, exhausted women close to the source confirmed.

“Treating another living organism with dignity and respect was a no-brainer,” said vegan Kaleb Abbott, who currently has two restraining orders filed against him from ex-girlfriends. “Did you know that 31 million ducks are killed each year to make foie gras? Or that your ‘cruelty-free’ coconut milk comes from forced monkey labor in Thailand? Must be easy to sleep at night when you live in the dark.”

Abbott’s most recent ex-girlfriend wished he’d shown the same care and compassion for their brief relationship as he did for unfertilized chicken eggs.

“It’s hard to believe that the same guy who organized a Vampire Bats Against Vivisection protest also slashed my tires and threatened to blackmail me with my own nudes after I dumped him,” said ex-girlfriend Colleen Bender. “I thought Kaleb would be different from other guys I’ve dated, but he ended up cheating on me and stealing my debit card to buy Oreos and beer just like the rest. Looks like I’m changing my pin number again.”

Although animal activists boast that switching to a vegan diet lowers the risk of diabetes, heart disease, and even depression, there is no known correlation between going vegan and not treating your girlfriend like shit.

“Announcing you’re vegan just sounds cooler than announcing you treat women with respect,” said leading animal rights activist Matteo Patel. “At its core, activism is about promoting reform, but it’s also about promoting yourself and the curated image you’ve chosen to project upon the world. Obviously, women should be treated with the same respect as pigs and cows, but pigs are just so damn smart — they kind of steal the show. People say they’re smarter than dogs even.”

At press time, Abbott was spending just some of the thousands of dollars he owes his exes on spirulina powder and Earth Balance.

Horny Mathematician Proves 8=D

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Duke University mathematics professor Richard Hardens shocked and awed the academic world today by publishing his incredibly horny, but accurate proof, finally proving that 8=D.

“For decades, we had been trying to prove C=B, but the variables just weren’t adding up,” Hardens explained. “By proving 8=D, we have opened the door for new kinds of science and technology that could usher in a new era for humanity. I’m both excited and aroused at all the advancements we are going to make with this new information.”

According to the United States Department of Education, the 8=D proof will appear in every child’s mathematics textbook in the country by 2022, either printed as chapters or drawn in by aspiring mathematicians in the margins.

“I don’t even think this is close to the end for this project,” Hardens continued. “I think we have a long hard road ahead of us, figuring just how versatile this proof is. We’ve already quickly proven 8==D and 8===D, and it’s looking incredibly likely that the equation will work for an infinite number of equal signs. If true, that would have a tremendous number of applications in the real world. Honestly, we’re all just oozing with excitement.”

At press time, the Duke University team was reportedly working on a new paper, after shocking the math world once more with their discovery that one can enter number 5318008 into a calculator and flip it upside down.

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Local Wedding Linked to 3,500 Deaths

WESTEROS — Following an exhaustive contact tracing study, a recent Riverlands wedding has been linked to 3,500 deaths, sources report.

“The band had just finished playing ‘Thinking Out Loud’ and started up the first few bars of ‘Rains of Castamere,’” said a man known only as “Bloodhorn” who was in attendance at the ill-fated wedding, wiping an inhuman amount of blood off of a large dagger in his possession. “Suddenly, thousands of people started coughing and saying they couldn’t breathe, and next thing you know their throats had somehow slit themselves.”

“I think this will be a wake up call for everybody seeing what happened here,” he said, putting on a bloody cloth mask over his mouth and nose.

Dr. John Tully, a physician and head of the Westeros Department of Public Healing, took a contrary stance by asserting that the amount of people gathered at the densely-packed wedding played no part in the massive loss of life.

“In Westeros, there is a constant threat of having your throat slit. Gathering at a wedding makes no difference,” Tully explained. “It could happen at a concert, it could happen in the town square, or it could even happen while you’re sleeping. I think it would be a mistake to shut down the Riverlands just because of this. It’s nonsense, and I fully expect everyone who thinks this to eventually be baked into a large pie.”

When asked what he believed the cause of death to be, Dr. Tully was clear.

“Oh, no, yeah, they were murdered. No question. It was an act of brazen disregard for human life, but the numbers don’t tell the whole story. A lot of these people who died could have had a pre-existing condition of pissing off a bloodthirsty lord.”

At press time, Bloodhorn and his fellow survivors were urging the public to stay away from large gatherings with the warning that the rate of violent deaths in Westeros would soon increase drastically.

Like this article? Check out our podcast! The Hard Drive Podcast is available on all podcast apps.

We Revisit Weezer’s Discography Because We’re Thinking About Painting This Room

Some artists leave such an impression that their music begins to feel like home. Regardless of mood or situation, these bands transport you to a comfortable and cozy place. Today, we revisit Weezer’s discography because we’re thinking about repainting this room and we lost our color swatch.

“Weezer” (1994) – An undeniable classic, Weezer’s debut serves almost as a greatest hits album, containing some of their most identifiable anthems. It has a familiar, relaxing effect, one that might serve well if we decide to convert this room to a study. More importantly, it has the exact shade of “ironically distant blue” our partner had mentioned. It’s literally the perfect color for this room and we doubt any further albums will provide this level of satisfaction. But just in case, let’s listen to 13 more albums so we can get disappointed over and over.

“Pinkerton” (1996) – Another classic. Misunderstood when it came out, Weezer’s sophomore effort has become a hallmark of ’90s emo. Despite the name and our tendency to take things literally, the art has very little pink in it. This black and white color scheme simply isn’t going to work.

“Weezer” (2001) – While there may be some mild appeal here, we’re worried these tones may lead to an overall disappointing theme to the room. It’s a great shade of green, but honestly, now we just want something blue. It’s fine, but we’re gonna have to pass. We’d hate to paint the room and have it fail to live up to expectations.

“Maladroit” (2002) – Not great, not terrible. The soft coloration here could be good. We could use this for the sunroom. That room always seems like it should be fun but after spending 3-6 minutes in there, we remember why we leave this room alone.

“Make Believe” (2005) – We can’t imagine why anyone would paint a room like this.

“Weezer” (2008) – Yeah, we’d paint a room this shade of red too if we thought the room had something to prove. Look, we know some of these color schemes may be disappointing but this one almost approaches self-parody.

“Raditude” (2009) – This is self-parody, right? Or is this what it looks like when Weezer makes a joke unironically? Either way, the dog on the cover rules but our partner said no.

“Hurley” (2010) – Heh heh, remember Lost? Yeah, that was a good show. Lost. We even liked the finale, we think. We don’t think we’d want that guy’s face as our wall though.

“Everything Will Be Alright In The End” (2014) – Is this a real album? Weezer’s our favorite band and we have literally no memory of this.

“Weezer” (2016) – Look, we get it. They may have jumped the shark, but this one is actually pretty ok. Alright? It’s fine. And white is a pretty classic room color. You can do a lot with white. It would be great to paint a room like this if we didn’t want to overthink anything. Or maybe we’re just happy that it doesn’t look as shitty as we’ve grown to expect.

“Pacific Daydream” (2017) – Didn’t we already do this one? Oh, that was “Everything Will Be Alright In The End.” Shit, these guys have a lot of albums for a band with like 13 good songs.

“Weezer” (2019) – Teal? Fuck. This. Seriously, we wouldn’t paint the room this if our lives depended on it. We’re not so trite as to sacrifice our originality for some hokey nostalgia-fueled cash grab. Say what you will about how shitty some of these albums were, at least they were original. WE DON’T NEED A COVER OF AFRICA!

“Van Weezer” (2021) – This comes out next year but we’re gonna go ahead and give this one a “no,” unless the “van” in question is on the album cover and it’s airbrushed by Frank Frazetta. If so, we’re going with that for the baby’s new room.

Uber Eats Pleads for FEMA Assistance After Day Four of Trump Quarantine

BETHESDA, Md. — Uber Eats is critically overburdened by President Trump’s quarantine and is begging for FEMA assistance after just a few days, according to frightened sources who describe the situation as a state of emergency.

“It’s absolute chaos here,” confided Uber Eats CEO Gavin Archer while running down a hallway and shouting frantic orders to passing employees. “Trump has always been our biggest customer. But we had no idea how much a quarantined Trump would overload our system. We desperately need FEMA to step in with financial assistance and on-the-ground support…Hey everybody, listen up! We need nine Happy Meals en route to Walter Reed, stat! AND DON’T FORGET THE FUCKING TOY!”

White House sources have offered differing accounts of the president’s health, but one thing they all agree on is that he has made full use of the robust delivery options offered by Uber Eats.

“You’ve never seen such a healthy appetite!” boasted White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows. “The doctors are amazed. They keep saying, ‘We can’t believe how well you’re doing!’ or ‘Sorry, but the cafeteria doesn’t have any more salt shakers, President Trump!’ Is Uber Eats a little overworked right now? Maybe. But that’s not the big takeaway here. The next step is to roll out the experimental treatment President Trump has received to the general public. We’ve already started mass producing IV bags full of honey mustard to send to hospitals across the country.”

Uber Eats delivery drivers have felt the brunt of President Trump’s quarantine diet, with many echoing the company’s call for FEMA aid.

“I haven’t slept since Thursday,” explained Erica Graham, a 21-year-old Uber Eats driver. “I was assigned to the pizza squad, so I’ve just been driving back and forth between the hospital and Pizza Hut. We really need FEMA to come and bail us out, maybe get the National Guard deployed to make these deliveries. The staff at Pizza Hut is completely swamped, too.
They ran out of tomato sauce yesterday and just started using ketchup, but that only made Trump order more. And then in the little instruction box he asked them to stuff the crusts with Diet Coke. How the fuck did this guy live to be 74 in the first place?”

At press time, FEMA had stepped in to help Uber Eats acquire a fleet of 18 wheelers to handle President Trump’s daily breakfast order from Cinnabon.

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