BETHESDA, Md. — Uber Eats is critically overburdened by President Trump’s quarantine and is begging for FEMA assistance after just a few days, according to frightened sources who describe the situation as a state of emergency.
“It’s absolute chaos here,” confided Uber Eats CEO Gavin Archer while running down a hallway and shouting frantic orders to passing employees. “Trump has always been our biggest customer. But we had no idea how much a quarantined Trump would overload our system. We desperately need FEMA to step in with financial assistance and on-the-ground support…Hey everybody, listen up! We need nine Happy Meals en route to Walter Reed, stat! AND DON’T FORGET THE FUCKING TOY!”
White House sources have offered differing accounts of the president’s health, but one thing they all agree on is that he has made full use of the robust delivery options offered by Uber Eats.
“You’ve never seen such a healthy appetite!” boasted White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows. “The doctors are amazed. They keep saying, ‘We can’t believe how well you’re doing!’ or ‘Sorry, but the cafeteria doesn’t have any more salt shakers, President Trump!’ Is Uber Eats a little overworked right now? Maybe. But that’s not the big takeaway here. The next step is to roll out the experimental treatment President Trump has received to the general public. We’ve already started mass producing IV bags full of honey mustard to send to hospitals across the country.”
Uber Eats delivery drivers have felt the brunt of President Trump’s quarantine diet, with many echoing the company’s call for FEMA aid.
“I haven’t slept since Thursday,” explained Erica Graham, a 21-year-old Uber Eats driver. “I was assigned to the pizza squad, so I’ve just been driving back and forth between the hospital and Pizza Hut. We really need FEMA to come and bail us out, maybe get the National Guard deployed to make these deliveries. The staff at Pizza Hut is completely swamped, too.
They ran out of tomato sauce yesterday and just started using ketchup, but that only made Trump order more. And then in the little instruction box he asked them to stuff the crusts with Diet Coke. How the fuck did this guy live to be 74 in the first place?”
At press time, FEMA had stepped in to help Uber Eats acquire a fleet of 18 wheelers to handle President Trump’s daily breakfast order from Cinnabon.