With COVID cases on the rise in numerous parts of the country, it’s not uncommon to wonder if a scratchy throat or chronic headache could be coronavirus symptoms. For some, however, it’s also possible that the difficulty breathing you’re experiencing can be attributed to the crippling anxiety built-in from a lifetime of tip-toeing around an unpredictable narcissist who you swear “isn’t really that bad when they’re sober.”
Not sure if your symptoms are COVID-related or just some good old fashioned codependent survival skills you developed as a child and still carry with you into adulthood? Take this short quiz to find out!
1. You are running a slight fever. Did you just:
[A] Spend time with a large group of people?
[B] Just get off of a 17-minute phone call with your mother?
If you chose A, you may have COVID, wear a mask, and maintain at least six feet of distance from anyone you may come in contact with.
If you chose B, you probably just got yourself worked up pacing around your apartment as you attempted to calmly but firmly set a boundary with your parent only to end up being gaslighted. Have a drink of water and get back to reading way too into your boss’s latest email!
2. You’ve noticed recent nausea or vomiting, did you:
[A] Recently come into contact with someone who tested positive for COVID?
[B] Recently start dating someone and don’t want to ruin it by pushing for things to move insanely fast but also don’t know how to receive love without abusive conditions attached so instead create chaos or drama and compulsively check your phone?
If you chose A, there is a very high chance that you may have COVID, it’s recommended that you quarantine yourself for 14 days.
If you chose B, looks like someone believes they’re an unlovable piece of shit! That’s to be expected as you were likely made to feel responsible for your parent’s feelings, and learned to subconsciously seek out this attachment style in your adult relationships, and those dry heaves are probably just the result of a dysfunctional caretaker, LOL.
3. You’ve lost the ability to taste or smell food, has this symptom:
[A] Appeared in the last 14 days?
[B] Occurred every time you’ve attempted to eat oatmeal with brown sugar since you were 8?
If you chose A, you may have COVID, be sure to wash your hands and avoid touching your eyes, nose, and mouth.
If you chose B, your body is most likely merely responding to the time you missed the bus in third grade and were forced to eat breakfast through tears while your parent screamed something about you ruining their life. Nothing to worry about! Go use those uninfected lungs to enjoy a cigarette or eight on your fire escape.
4. You’ve recently become confused or have trouble staying awake, are you:
[A] An elderly person with a severe infection of some sort?
[B] Wicked fucked up at 9:30 a.m on a Tuesday?
If you chose A, you may have COVID.
If you chose B, you probably figured out that adding substances to your system is an effective way to turn off the constant worry, shame, self-doubt, and general anxiety you feel all the time, even though it often leaves you feeling worse. Cut the bullshit and get it together… I mean, if you want to? I don’t know, sorry!
5. You’re feeling persistent pain or pressure in the chest, are you:
[A] Feeling these symptoms despite not exerting yourself physically?
[B] Currently lying awake wondering what in the fuck you’re going to do when your parent becomes too old to take care of themself and are feeling physically ill over the prospect that they may need to move into your home where they will live out the remainder of their life?
If you chose A, you may have COVID, read the full list of symptoms at cdc.gov.
If you chose B, fake your death and let the state worry about them.
