Coward Hour is the least-informed podcast in America. Each week, leading cowards/disgraced comedians Brendan Krick & Nik Oldershaw spiral on mic, commit gaffes, and descend into conspiracy-laden mental illness. Trust your gut, and prepare for The Event.
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Nik has returned from Hospital Jail. Brendan and Nik discuss the villainous Steve Jobs, speculate on the sex life of Jeff Bezos, and Brendan spirals about English 101.
REDMOND, Wash. — Microsoft revealed some further details about its new payment plans for its upcoming next generation consoles, introducing Donnie and Luca, two employees that have been tasked with coming around and collecting the 25 or 35 dollar payments every month from users enter into the optional financing.
“Let me tell you somethin’,” said Donnie Romano, a former Xbox Live creative director who was recently promoted to captain. “If I come by and you don’t have that fuckin’ envelope, I’m leavin’ your house with somethin’. Maybe a controller, maybe your eye, we’ll see what kind of day I’m havin’. But you’re gonna fuckin’ give me somethin’, you hear me?”
“You fuckin’ listening to me you fuckin’ gamers?” he added before Phil Spencer, the head executive of Xbox, intervened to try and corral the proceedings.
Spencer then introduced Romano’s partner Luca Milanesi, who tried to ease some of the unrest in the room.
“What Donnie here is saying is that we’re real happy to set all of you’s up with these Xboxes,” said the former waste management consultant and construction foreman. “These are mint condition, untraceable, one hundred percent real deal. So what, some of them don’t have the box or the cables, what am I a fuckin’ Radio Shack? You want this thing or not?”
The payment plans were initially praised by critics and gamers alike up until today’s announcement, which has cast some uncertainty over the buying public.
“I mean, I sure don’t like the idea of being shaken down to make my video game payments,” said Gene Greco, a gamer who’s lived in the neighborhood all his life. “But with Bethesda signing, they’re controlling more and more of the games out there. You gotta go through them. I hate what these crooks are doing to our gaming community, but I’m powerless to stop them.”
As of press time, Donnie and Luca insisted they had nothing to do with the vintage Xbox unit that was thrown through the window of the flagship Sony store in New York City.
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HEAVEN — Our Heavenly Father was overwhelmed with laughter after watching Illinois native Bobby Kenworth use the word “final” in a new video file name earlier today, multiple angelic sources confirmed.
“He seriously did it,” said the Lord Almighty between fits of thunderous cackling. “This stupid fucker has no idea he forgot the g in ‘angus’ in the graphic at 3:21. Oh man, he just sighed in relief, too! Bobby, you’re too much. I haven’t laughed this hard since his ancestors tried building that big-ass tower to Heaven. They were prideful enough to call that one ‘final’ too, and look how that turned out for them. The only thing final here is that Bobby is a moron with 15 more hours of editing left and a stress-induced heart attack coming at age 41.”
The Alpha and the Omega then paused to catch his breath after another round of laughter.
“What is it with these hairless monkeys that makes them so sure of themselves? I’m a cosmic being of limitless and incomprehensible power, and even I get afraid when I hit the export button in Adobe Premiere.”
Even some of God’s closest advisors were hesitant to support his behavior.
“It’s tough to watch,” said Saint Michael during a quick break from his eternal war against Satan. “I’m out here busting my ass against the Great Deceiver, and He’s just laughing at some poor dude in Illinois who’s gonna punch a hole in his monitor in exactly—” St. Michael said, pausing to check his watch. “—36 seconds.”
Other sources were more direct in their criticism.
“God’s kind of a dick, if you think about it,” said a weird naked baby angel that asked to remain anonymous. “Did you hear about the time some kids were making fun of a bald dude and He sent bears to eat them? It’s in the Bible. Anyways, I’m pulling for little Bobby. Too bad he has no idea about the fade-in at 44:23 that he’s going to agonize over for 2 straight days. Sucks, but what can an omnipotent celestial entity do about it?”
At press time, God was seen microwaving a bag of popcorn while he waited for Kaecie Dorian, 35, to renew her lease one minute before getting laid off.
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BETHESDA, Md. — President Donald Trump is recovering from COVID-19 symptoms and home from the hospital where he keeps asking doctors when he can have his daughter, Ivanka, sit on his lap again.
“The President has been an exemplary patient while he’s been under our care,” reports White House doctor Sean Conley. “He’s been eating all the ice cream he can and reminding us that we can’t have any because we’re not the President, which is the Donald Trump we all know and are contractually obligated to love. He’s also been asking about how soon it will be until his beloved daughter and the subject of his less depraved sexual fantasies, Ivanka, will be able to sit on his lap again. He really seems to be on the mend.”
Donald Trump’s biological child in question, Ivanka Trump, is well-known for enduring multiple public moments of intimacy with her father.
“It’s embarrassing, for sure, and would probably be demoralizing if I had any sense of morality,” recalled Ivanka Trump. “Those creepy statements on Howard Stern are enough to send a normal child to therapy but fortunately my brothers and I all had the self-consciousness gene inbred out of us on our dad’s side. To be honest, I was kinda excited to hear about his COVID diagnosis because it would give us time apart but then I realized I need the attention from obviously broken men. Luckily I have Jared.”
According to the average scientist it is not advisable for anyone to sit on the lap of a recently diagnosed COVID patient.
“There’s a lot of factors at play here. You have to consider if the patient is still shedding the virus and even if they’re not they might still have reduced lung capacity that would make it inadvisable to put any weight on your body,” said Dr. Anthony Fauci. “There’s also the questionable act of an almost forty year-old person sitting on the lap of someone nearly twice their age, and who is related to them and has made it publicly known that they want to fuck them. From a scientific and biomedical perspective, it’s dangerous, and from a psychological standpoint, it’s just fucking weird.”
At press time, no one still wants Eric Trump on their lap.
LOS ANGELES — The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences will add a Performative Allyship category for next year’s ceremony to celebrate actors who made the best public show of “wokeness,” sources patting themselves on the back confirmed.
“At the Academy Awards, we are always looking for new opportunities to celebrate great acting. And now, we will be finally able to award those actors bringing genuine depth and gravity to a ‘Defund Police’ post from their toilet after an all-night coke bender,” said Lisa Saltan, Director of Diversity for the Academy. “And with our new, hollow devotion to inclusivity, we may just give this award to ourselves.”
Hollywood was immediately abuzz following the announcement, with many speculating on who may win the inaugural award.
“It’s certainly a crowded field this year — there are so many great virtue signaling performances in Tinseltown in 2020,” said Entertainment Weekly editor Curt Salin. “As a dark horse, I really like Lea Michele for her Black Lives Matter tweet… or Karlie Kloss’ incredibly glib ‘End Racism’ tweet. And who could forget Gal Gadot’s tone deaf ‘Imagine’ video? But it’s impossible to deny that this will be Ellen’s year: her ‘For Things to Change, They Must Change’ tweet was truly the meaningless platitude of our time.”
Beyond the glory and glitz of Hollywood, Sarah Eggers, President of the Centrist Movement Alliance, claimed that these worthless deeds have been overlooked for too long.
“We are so proud to finally see Performative Allyship getting the accolades it deserves,” said Eggers. “It’s really at the heart of our movement — it’s an incredible skill to be able to know when to post a political meme that shows you’re a progressive humanitarian, but not so early that you rock the boat and question the status quo. And of course, having the right kinds of opinions is key to successfully managing your online brand.”
Sean Penn was too busy to comment, as he was too busy pulling children out of a collapsed mine in Guadalajara, Mexico, according to his spokesperson.
RUTLAND, Vt. — Local eco-douchebag Morgan Lence is reportedly living a completely vegan lifestyle, despite his claim to be a “total carnivore” when it comes to “eating vagina,” thoroughly unsatisfied sources confirmed.
“I treat my body like a temple — that means no meat and no dairy. But on occasion, I do cheat when I feel like slurping some sweet, sloppy snatch,” said Lence, within earshot of a noticeably revolted woman. “It’s a weakness of mine, I know, but as a man, I can only be sustained by radishes for so long before I just gotta lick on a nice, slick clam.”
Farmers’ market shopper Whitney Giordino overheard Lence add that he “only eats cage free muff.”
“At first I just thought he was joking. Like, it wasn’t funny, but I still thought it was a joke, because why else would anyone say that in public at 10:30 a.m.?” explained Giordino while avoiding eye contact by pretending to be interested in some nearby organic pears. “As soon as I realized he was serious, I just dropped what I was going to buy and walked the fuck away from there. After hearing the stuff that guy said, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at hummus the same way ever again.”
Despite Lence’s assertion, longtime friend Alice Tennent refuted his claim of being “a real snatch addict.”
“We’ve been friends for a long time, and if he’s not going on and on about how being vegan is so virtuous, then he’s trying to hit on some woman by telling her that the ‘only red meat he eats is beef curtains,’” she said. “Honestly, I feel bad for him sometimes. I know for a fact that none of these lines work, and he’s been one of the most strict vegans I’ve ever met for like, seven years. That’s seven completely vagina-free years for the guy. He might as well start eating steak every day since he’s clearly not getting any protein from ‘fishing the tuna net,’ or whatever his little phrase is.”
Lence also claims to adhere to the straight edge principle of “no casual hookups” unless “anyone would be into that sort of thing, or like, whatever.”
It is with a heavy heart that I must announce that I was forced to close my beloved indie movie theater. I’ve done all I could, but movie theaters and pandemics simply do not mix. It also didn’t help that the only film I screened at my theater was the 1996 Pauly Shore Slapstick Comedy “Bio-Dome.”
It’s hard to even remember life before the pandemic anymore. Every day I’d wake up just in time for our 10:00 a.m. screening of “Bio-Dome.” Then after lunch, I would watch our 12 p.m. screening of “Bio-Dome.” After that, I would normally catch the 2 p.m., 4 p.m., 6 p.m., and 8 p.m. screenings of “Bio-Dome.” Then I would round out the night with our 10 p.m. screening of “Bio-Dome.” Our theater really had something for everyone.
But it wasn’t always smooth sailing. Some of our customers suggested that we should screen a film other than “Bio-Dome.” I told them that if they don’t appreciate high-cinema then they should go find another movie theater. Attendance started to drop, and pretty soon we were struggling to stay open. I guess nobody has that “Bio-Dome” spirit anymore.
Once the pandemic hit we tried to stay connected with customers by hosting virtual screenings of “Bio-Dome,” but it just doesn’t translate to Zoom I guess. “Bio-Dome” is meant to be experienced in the theater with friends and loved ones.
But not even a masterpiece like “Bio-Dome” can help the fact that I’m closer to putting a bio-hole-through-my-skull than I’d like to admit. The only thing keeping me going at this point is my framed photo of Pauly Shore and my 37 boxes of “Bio-Dome” merch. Anytime I’m bummed out I just look down at my t-shirt and remember that just because we’re stuck in a bubble (quarantine) doesn’t mean we can’t cause any trouble.
Don’t lose hope! The insurance money I got from my theater’s totally accidental fire has given me enough capital to start my own “Bio-Dome” streaming service. Now you can watch “Bio-Dome” anywhere at any time, all for the low low price of $17.99 a month.
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has forced R&B group Blackstreet to disclose that their 1996 hit song “No Diggity” may actually contain trace amounts of diggity.
“While we at the FDA respect Blackstreet and their commitment to exquisitely crafted R&B hits, we concluded that the title of their song ‘No Diggity’ makes false claims and must be changed, effective immediately,” said FDA Commissioner Stephen Hahn. “No recording studio, vintage tape recorder, or expensive vacuum tube compressor can effectively remove all diggity from the environment. Simply stated, unless you have a dedicated, diggity-free chamber, there’s always going to be some diggity contamination. It is our duty to ensure that the consumer is aware of the risk.”
While the members of Blackstreet are understandably dismayed at the ruling, they still stand by their signature tune.
“This is yet another blatant example of government overreach. Doesn’t the FDA have some horrible pandemic to solve?” argued founding Blackstreet member Teddy “Street” Riley. “We refuse to take the song out of setlists, but I guess we have to rename it. ‘Trace Amounts of Diggity’ is way too long. ‘Some Diggity?’ No. God, no.”
“‘A Tidbit of Diggity?’” he later added. “I kind of like the ring of that.”
However, emergency room doctors report they’re still seeing patients exposed to dangerous amounts of diggity.
“Just when you think the song is going to die down, it gets added to another ‘I Love the 90s!’ Spotify playlist, or it’s in some Rob Schneider movie trailer,” explained Dr. Mindy Antonello, emergency room doctor at Holy Cross Hospital. “I’ve always referred to diggity as the silent killer. While other parents make snide comments, I ensure my daughter abides by a diggity-free diet, and whenever we fly, I call ahead and ask the airline to make sure nobody brings any diggity on the flight.”
In related news, the FDA also declared that Bell Biv DeVoe must include a disclaimer with all digital copies of their song “Poison,” indicating that it may contain chemicals known to be harmful in the state of California.
NEW YORK — Billionaire industrialist Tony Stark announced a proposal today that would solve the ongoing climate crisis by shooting a big ol’ honkin’ laser at the planet, sources say.
“As Iron Man, I’ve saved the world from forces that would destroy our world using only my sweet-ass lasers and the occasional missile,” Stark said, standing next to a freakin’ huge prototype of the big ol’ laser. “But the global threat of climate change isn’t something you can just shoot a unibeam at. That’s why I’ve built an even bigger Unibeam that I’m gonna throw up into the atmosphere and let it ride!”
Speaking for the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change, Lead Scientist Anders Johannson praised Stark for his contribution.
“Our data shows that the warming climate will lead to larger natural disasters, ecosystem collapse, and a mass influx of refugees from affected areas. Our world governments agree that this stuff is totally lame and a bit of a snooze-fest, so it’s so exciting to see Tony Stark making a kick-ass laser blaster that will cool down the Earth and go pew-pew-pew at the same time.”
Stark shared more details about the technology powering the massive laser to a rapt crowd. “With the onboard Artificial Logistics Global Operations Raygun Executable A.I system, or A.L.G.O.R.E., this laser beam will be shot at the perfect angle to cool the earth by 1o Celsius and look like a sweet Led Zeppelin laser light show.”
Social media trends suggest Stark’s reveal has overshadowed Pym Industries’ recent announcement of a widdle itty-bitty baby laser for babies that will solve world hunger.
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SACRAMENTO — Video game speedrunner Ashton Clemens insisted that a significant portion of his girlfriend’s orgasms were completed incorrectly, arguing that manual orgasms with non-modified equipment should be the only kind that belong “on the leaderboard.”
“Running BizHawk to complete a game is exactly like completing an orgasm with a Hitachi Magic Wand,” Clemens argued. “Tool-assisted runs, by their nature, do not deserve to be in the same orbit. They should be invalidated in favor of manual runs, to be performed or validated by an official. In this case, me.”
Clemens insisted no tool could replace the dexterity, skill and practice required for manual completion.
“That level of dedication can’t compare to the simple act of pressing a button. And just ONE button push, at that.”
TASVideos, the primary resource for tool-assisted runs, responded with a statement.
“The TASVideos community respectfully disagrees with Mr. Clemens’ assertion. Carefully-tuned tools can provide just as much, if not more enjoyment than manual manipulation,” said their spokesperson. “In our community, videos that showcase elaborate tool-assisted completions are viewed, appreciated, favorited and re-watched as much as manual interaction videos. People can’t get enough of the stuff.”
When briefed on the details of the dispute between Clemens and his girlfriend, TASVideos pulled back, refusing to comment further.
“Wait,” said the spokesperson, “we’re talking about video games, right?”
Clemens disagreed vehemently with the criticism.
“Who said anything about enjoyment? We’re not talking about how one method provides a quicker, more fulfilling, satisfying, pleasurable and intense experience than the other,” said Clemens, scowling at her drawer of exploits and emulators. “This isn’t about the choice she prefers far more often. This is about categories and rules.”
Pressed for her opinion on the matter, Clemens’ girlfriend Kristin Baker was resolute.
“Maybe if he could fuck as well as he splices videos of runs, he wouldn’t have this problem.”
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