From AlaSKA to NebraSKA (And Also Further East, but There Are No Good Puns): We Ranked the Best Ska Band in Every State

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Music in niche subgenres is often more diverse than credit is given. Each state has one or more scenes dedicated to continuing the traditions of these small, but beloved, genres. And just because your beloved genre’s tradition is to have people ironically dress in 3-piece suits while doing whacky dances in a 100-degree VFW hall, doesn’t mean your art isn’t valid. It’s funny. But it still has some merit, we promise.

Many of these ska scenes have a unique take or at least a tweak on the genre, leading to a deceptively diverse musical buffet to choose from. To the layman, all ska sounds the same. To a true student of the genre—a “ska-tistician” if you will—it’s much like jazz: the nuance is found in the puns they’re not making.

Well, the states and their scenes may be divided, but ska unites all through a sense of shared uncoolness. Since we’re not interested in what cool people care about, we ranked the best ska band in every state in America and ignored the international community because that’s what Americans do.

Alabama: Salvo/Pain

Is there anything more “local scene” than a band having two names because they were popular as both? This 14-thousand-piece ska band also did the song from “Jabberjaw” on Cartoon Network. They may not have rode the ’90s 3rd wave to mainstream success, but they will always be the reason we now know Alabama isn’t located in the Pacific Northwest.

Alaska: The Naked Men

Despite its name being perfectly suited for ska puns, Alaska is shockingly limited in its ska-lection of ska bands. Fortunately, the Naked Men are here to fill that hole. We bet this band was pissed when they went to name their band and found out “Polar Bear Club” was taken. And they’re not even a ska band! What a waste.

Arizona: 2 Tone Lizard Kings

Ska-n-Roll band “2 Tone Lizard Kings” brings a bluesy swing to the typically staccato genre. The music grooves with a sweaty swagger that says, “Ohhh look at me, I live in Arizoooona.” Arizona may be a dry heat but 2 Tone Lizard Kings are sure to bring some wet funk.

Arkansas: Fayetteville Ska Alliance

Yet another state with a built-in ska pun name and another state that required Googling to find a single ska band. The Fayetteville Ska Alliance is a Christmas-themed ska band and probably an official part of the Arkansas State Guard.

California: Reel Big Fish

This is quite an honor considering over 90% of ska music originated in California. Reggae too. Little known fact, the upstroke was invented by a high school sophomore in Orange County. But any true ska fan knows that without a doubt.

Colorado: Five Iron Frenzy

Everyone’s favorite Christian skankers, “Five Iron Frenzy,” are Colorado’s highest by a mile. Despite their overtly religious lyrics, ska fans of all denominations flock to FIF for their catchy, upbeat melodies. Their music videos make youth group actually look fun. Ya know, if you removed all that God stuff.

Connecticut: The Agonizers

For as much punk, hardcore, and easycore that New England produces, ska is slim pickins in Lobsterville. Even the Agonizers avoided having a horn section. It must be the temperature. Ska does not seem to thrive below 70 degrees.

Delaware: The Ol’ Dirty Brasstards

Delaware has a rich history of ska bands and it was really hard to choose just one to represent this ska-te (not a typo, that’s “ska” plus “state”). The Ol’ Dirty Brasstards are… okay, we admit it! We don’t know any ska bands from Delaware! We even resorted to searching “ska + delaware” on bandcamp after Google and Reddit failed us. If you know of a ska band from Delaware, tag them in the comments and tell them they need to be better about their SEO.

Florida: Less Than Jake

Firmly nestled in the base of America’s cock, Gainesville’s “Less Than Jake” is a legendary ska band who needs no introduction. Especially one so crude. They are among many incredible alternative bands from Florida such as Against Me!, A Day To Remember, and Yellowcard, but they stand alone as the kings of Floridska. (Keep ska alive. Pick up a Less Than Jake record in our store)

Georgia: The Taj Motel Trio

Georgia’s Taj Motel Trio proves that 3rd wave ska doesn’t need to come from New Jersey to sound like Streetlight Manifesto. Kidding of course, Streetlight Manifesto isn’t ska. Or are they? Check out New Jersey to find out.

Hawaii: Black Square

Black Square is one of the rare Hawaii ska bands to bring their sound to the mainland. While it may seem strange that this genre of island music is underrepresented on a literal island, it’s a clear sign that disgust for ska is consistent across all mainstream cultures. We must stand united!

Idaho: The Opskamatrists

Marching band horns? Check. Punny name? Check. This band is close enough for ska! Also, why did the ska musician’s mom hate his band? Idaho, AlaSKA!

*Update: She said it’s because they practice in her basement.

Illinois: Slapstick

Between Brendan Kelly and Dan Andriano (and to a lesser extent Peter Anna), Slapstick wound up a bonafide supergroup. They are an incredible addition from the golden era of 3rd wave ska. Though several band members later reported losing interest in the genre, Slapstick truly is the best “ska phase” captured on record.

Indiana: Johnny Socko

Indiana’s “Johnny Socko” will have you skanking faster than a car at the Indy 500. Lazy simile aside, it’s true. That’s just all we know about Indiana. They were also on Asian Man records at some point, which has been true about many of these obscure bands from even more obscure states.

Iowa: Iowaska

Okay, so this isn’t technically a ska band. This is a punk band signed to Alternative Tentacles. But just look at that name! We didn’t even check to see if they were from Iowa. They win this one sight unseen. (Slipknot could have also been considered on technicality)

Kansas: The Ray-Guns

If you thought the sunflower state couldn’t shine any brighter, the Ray-Guns are here (well, were here in 1998) to bring you some of the catchiest ska-punk Kansas has to offer.

Kentucky: Pimpslap

Pimpslap blends 3rd wave ska with Cheshire Cat-era Blink 182. “Pimp” was such a go-to funny word in the ’90s and it was used most often when a suburban, upper-middle-class person wanted to be ironic. What a time to be alive.

Louisiana: Bad Operation

Leading the New-tone charge, New Orleans’ Bad Operation continues to take the 4th wave in a sincere direction. Unlike many states, Louisiana has produced a solid number of ska bands. Maybe it’s their access to horns. Or the frequency of parades. (Pick up a Bad Operation record in our store today)

Maine: El Grande

El Grande is just your ol’ fashioned, lobster-catchin’ Maine ska band. Pretty typical of their breed. Little known fact, their band name came from the only two Spanish words that had made their way to Maine by the time the band formed in 2004.

Maryland: The Skunks

There’s just something special about island music written by people who consider Baltimore an island. The Chesapeake may not be Montego, but The Skunks provide the soundtrack to a perfect evening at Seacrets during Beach Week. I mean, technically SOJA is the perfect band for that kind of night, but they’re less “ska” and more “a band of rich white guys who named their band ‘Soldiers of Jah’s Army.’”

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Ticketmaster Adds Preemptive Heatstroke Treatment Fee to All Tickets

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

LOS ANGELES – Ticketing giant Ticketmaster announced they will be tacking on a new “preemptive heatstroke treatment” fee to all concert tickets in the wake of the hottest global summer temperatures ever recorded, executives from the company confirmed from the comfort of their air-conditioned private jet.

“Nowadays, there’s a pretty good chance of suffering some sort of heat-related illness at a show and we were tired of having families whining about their comatosed loved ones every time someone got a little overheated,” explained Ticketmaster spokesperson Elizabeth Bouffard over the roar of the carbon-spewing plane. “This nominal charge of $17.50 per ticket will help us offset the costs of making sure our loyal fans get the critical medical care they need to avoid dying on the spot, which would unfortunately impact their ability to purchase future tickets from us.”

Music fans around the country immediately questioned the logic of the new fee.

“It says the ‘heatstroke treatment’ just covers one ice cube from venue staff to put on your forehead,” said avid concertgoer Janie Garza, reading through the fine print in her confirmation email for a recent ticket purchase. “Except if you bought a VIP upgrade — then you get three ice cubes made from clean water. And they’re charging it for winter shows, too. I’m seeing Linchpin Failure in December. In Milwaukee. So either Ticketmaster found its 1,000th way to rip us off or the planet’s really blowing up. Or actually — you know what, it’s probably both.”

Noted climate scientist Fredrik Saxonburg, Ph.D., confirmed the doubly bleak outlook for fans of live music.

“Sadly, this heatstroke fee is only the start,” he explained. “We’re about to see two things: a dramatic increase in ways for fans to actually die at a show as a result of extreme weather, and new ways for them to figuratively die as criminal ticketing monopolies take more of their money. Flash floods and LiveNation-branded lifejacket rental fees, wildfire smoke, and pricy canned fresh air at the merch table — all of it will grow exponentially. Just stay home … unless it’s, like, your all-time favorite band.”

At press time, Ticketmaster began installing permanent barricades around all shade-providing trees at outdoor venues and introduced a new upgrade fee to allow fans to stand under them.

Every This Will Destroy You Album Ranked Worst to Best

Posted on by Jason Clemence

This Will Destroy You is perhaps the quintessential instrumental post-rock outfit of the 2000s. They play shimmering, guitar-driven compositions, they lean hard into the loud-soft-loud dynamic, their name is ridiculous, and they put out the most cinematically-sweeping, gut-wrenching work this side of Explosions in the Sky. Unlike Explosions in the Sky, however, their albums sound different from one another.

They are also a band that rejected the post-rock label in the most aggressive terms possible, as prickly former bassist Donovan Jones infamously muttered “fuck post-rock and fuck being called post-rock” in 2010, presumably while chain-smoking unfiltered Camels.

They have seven studio albums and a live album that we’re going to discuss, and a handful of splits, EPs, and rarities/B-side collections that we’re probably going to ignore.

7. New Others Part 2 (2018)

This one is notable for being a surprise release that just sort of appeared on YouTube a week or two after “New Others Part One,” and needless to say, that was a treat for fans any way you slice it. It’s also notable for being the only TWDY record (I double-checked) that starts with a fast, hard-rocking passage and then settles into a slow, ominous, atmospheric dirge. You can almost hear Joey Ramone yelling onetwothreefour before the album kicks off. All of their other records do precisely the opposite. It’s an okay album, but it sounds like a collection of outtakes and B-sides, which, to be honest, it probably originally was anyway.

Play it Again: “Cascade”
Skip It: “Sound of Your Death”

6. Vespertine (2020)

Death metal fans lost their minds when Blood Incantation, on the heels of a breathlessly acclaimed record, turned around in 2022 and made a lengthy EP of straight-up ambient synth music, but TWDY really beat them to the dramatic-genre-shifting punch by dropping their usual doom-drone-metal atmospherics to create this commissioned soundtrack to a Michelin-star rated restaurant in California, also called Vespertine. It’s fine in itself, and good for meditation or background music while you’re working or for putting on as a sort of lullaby to help cranky four-year-olds finally fall the hell asleep already, but it’s so far outside of TWDY’s usual work that it’s almost impossible to give it a legitimate ranking here.

Play it Again: “Kitchen” – There’s a really memorable reverb-soaked guitar figure here that, despite being simple enough that a 10-year-old who just learned “Hot Cross Buns” could probably nail it, is achingly beautiful.
Skip It: “Building” – Yeah, all of the songs are named after different parts of the restaurant, which, whatever. The whole concept is pretentious, what can you do?

5. New Others Part 1

It’s clear that this was recorded in the same session as “New Others Part 2,” but the songwriting is more cohesive and the shifts in dynamics feel more organic. Track likes “Syncage” play with synthesized effects more dramatically than the band has in the past, and even has some abrasive moments that sound like a mid-90s Nine Inch Nails remix, minus all the sadomasochistic “I’m Trent Reznor, woe is me” histrionics. As a whole, this record has a lot of the ambient stuff that would show up in Vespertine, but with enough dynamic range and variety that it still feels more or less like classic TWDY. A solid album.

Play It Again: “Weeping Window” – This is the band at their best, and if you check out the live studio version sponsored by Walrus Audio, you’ll get a nice glimpse at how, despite seeming like a studio band through and through, they can absolutely, well, destroy when they play live.
Skip It: “Melted Jubilee”

4. Young Mountain (2006)

A triumph of a debut. Opener “Quiet” is basically the band’s mission statement, at least for their earliest work, showing off their ability to turn simple, low-key motifs into anthems that you can head-bang to in slow motion. “The World is our _____” is a master class in how to use heavy delay effects on a lead guitar without seeming overly precious, and when the power chords kick in at 2:40, they feel 100% earned, rather than like someone said “Oh, hey, we should probably make it all loud and rockin’ now.” There’s a kind of simplicity to the album as a whole, both in production and songwriting, but it’s still a deeply satisfying record to come back to, and has the bonus feature of sticking the landing perfectly in the final moments of the final track, which just happens to be our “Play it Again” pick.

Play It Again: “There Are Some Remedies Worse than the Disease”
Skip It: “Grandfather Clock” – This track sounds utterly out of place. It doesn’t work with the rest of the record, and doesn’t sound like TWDY at all. It’s not a bad song on its own merits, but music like this has to create a sense of thematic cohesion on each album in order to work, and this one sticks out like the sorest of thumbs.

3. Tunnel Blanket (2011)

This is a really popular album among fans. We wouldn’t so much as raise an eyebrow if someone else were to put it at #1 or #2. Please bear that in mind before you carpet-bomb the comments section. This was a serious shift for the band from guitar-forward post-rock songs that could (and did) score movies and TV like “Moneyball” and “CSI” (not to mention promo segments for the 2010 Winter Olympics), to brooding, dense, doom-inflected drone metal. Opener “Little Smoke” is among their greatest songs, a 12-minute slow-burn monster that starts with seemingly-endless atmospheric synth figures before just sort of tipping over into a raging wall of cacophonous dread that barely seems to crack 30 beats per minute. “Glass Realms” is a preview of their more ambient work to come. There’s nothing skippable here. “Tunnel Blanket” must be experienced as a single work. It’s a thoroughly dark and somber – almost depressive, really – album, with very little reprieve.

Play It Again: “Little Smoke” and “Killed the Lord, Left for the New World”
Skip It: Don’t. Each song needs the ones around it if you want the full experience

Honorable Mention: Live in Reykjavik, Iceland (2013)

Oddly enough, if you’re only going to own one TWDY album, it should probably be this one. It feels less like a live album than a greatest hits collection of their material up to and including “Tunnel Blanket.” The band already sounds atmospheric and reverb-laden in everything they put out, so the live setting doesn’t change much. They play the songs on here totally straight. Even the longer, multi-part ones are pretty indistinguishable from their studio counterparts, which is a little ironic because their live shows around this time were often bogged down in abstract noise experiments; you could barely pick out a riff or melody. Apparently, on the flight to Iceland, they decided to start playing more traditional live sets again, and what results is a simple compilation of most of their best songs at that point, if not so much a capturing of what they usually sounded like live in this era.

2. Self-Titled (2008)

If you’re going to introduce TWDY to someone who’s never heard them, this is the album to insist they start with. Its structure, songwriting, and production are all extremely similar to “Young Mountain,” but with notable improvement in each of those areas. It’s a mix of songs that are darn near catchy – the riff to “Threads,” especially, will stick with you for quite some time – and songs that unfold in waves of abstract noise for what seems like ten minutes at a time. The record is perfectly balanced in every way, a Rosetta Stone of post-rock, and the last album for which they’d be satisfied with that formula before moving into a far more experimental direction.

Play It Again: “Burial on the Presidio Banks” – Big, emotive crescendos might be a well-known commodity in this genre, but the album-finishing fortissimo-fueled madness on this one is as good as it gets.
Skip It: Nothing

1. Another Language (2014)

If “Tunnel Blanket” was essentially a press release announcing “We’re not trying to just be a new version of Explosions in the Sky,” then Another Language announces “But we’re also not going to be pigeonholed into this whole doomgaze thing.” This record finds a happy medium that is beyond simple classification, blending ambient, metal, dream pop, and avant-garde noise into a fully-integrated final product. You simply can’t see or hear the stitches that connect these different genres. It’s fluid and perfectly executed. It’s an overwhelming and deeply beautiful 47-minute experience. This maybe isn’t the best record of theirs to hear before you’re acquainted with their vibe, but once you are so acquainted, it’s the best one, period. Splurge on the vinyl, kick back, and let it wash over you.

Play It Again: Yes
Skip It: No

We Sat Down With a Dog Breeder Because We Tried To Buy the Wrong Kind of Whippet

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

I was growing nervous as I sat in the Dunkin parking lot right off of Sockanosset, where we had agreed to meet. The rain had let up, but the sky was gray and my windshield was covered in beaded droplets. Finally, seven minutes late, I saw a silver Nissan Rogue with North Carolina plates pull in a few spots away. I exited my Corolla and proceeded toward it.

The man who emerged from the driver’s seat wasn’t at all what I was expecting. He was in his late forties, with neat — if thinning — hair. He wore a crisp, button-down shirt and wireframe glasses, lending him a distinctly professional air rather than the aura of degeneracy I had been anticipating.

Shame scurried up my spine as I looked down at my own outfit: a ratty T-shirt and sweat shorts above a pair of battered Crocs. I confirmed that he was, indeed, Daniel Hilyard, the man who I had contacted on Craigslist. Then he opened the back door of his SUV and showed me the weirdest looking dog I’ve ever seen in my fucking life.

The Hard Times: Whoa! What the fuck is that, a mutant greyhound or something?

It’s…a whippet. This is the puppy you’re buying.

Oh. Oh, yeah. That’s right. Sorry, I just wasn’t expecting —

You thought I was going to sell you drugs, didn’t you?

No! Of course not! I guess it just spooked me, is all.

Come on, admit it. You think this is the first time this has happened to me? I’m fed up with guys like you. Can’t you just go to the grocery store like a normal person?

I don’t like the way the cashier looks at me when I’m only buying 20 cans of whipped cream.

Jesus, throw some strawberries in your cart or something. Or just order them online.

That’s what I did!

I mean on Amazon or something, jackass! Did you really think fifteen hundred dollars was a fair price for some nitrous containers?

I figured you were going to have, like, a whole pallet of them. Like I was buying in bulk.

In a Nissan Rogue? I’m not Costco, man. This whole thing has been a nightmare. I’m leaving.

Can I at least get the dog? I think it might look cool in a little leather jacket with spikes on it. Hey, wait, come back! I’ll pay for the dog!

Crust Punk Grandma Places Pan of Crack on Windowsill to Cool

Posted on by Tim Graham

DETROIT — Punk rock loving octogenarian Edith Bettencourt placed a pan of her fresh, warm crack cocaine on her kitchen windowsill to cool, according to jonesing sources who were drawn by the scent.

“Every time I bake up a sheet of my crack, all the neighborhood punks come around,” said Mrs. Bettencourt as she sprinkled cinnamon on her latest batch of fragrant crack cocaine. “Most nights, they’ll be coming back from a nearby house show and catch a whiff of my special rock. They all crowd around my window, waving five dollar bills in the air, just dying for a taste. I say, ‘Now, now, you have to wait till it cools!’ Sometimes I’ll let one of them lick the spoon, if they’re good.”

Local punk and self-described copper recycling technician Flick Dobbs is a big fan of Bettencourt’s treats.

“I don’t know what Old Lady Bettencourt is doing differently, but her crack has spoiled all other crack for me,” said Dobbs as he searched his carpet in hopes of finding another rock. “The other day, someone passed me a pipe of some regular shit when we were hanging around the train yard. I took a puff and it was just missing something, you know? Edith’s also just a really kind lady. She’s always got 40s for us when we come around. We like to give back and help her out, like mowing her lawn or beating the shit out of some basehead who owes her money, shit like that.”

University of Michigan chemistry Professor Harold Gluck has some ideas about what makes Bennett’s crack cocaine so alluring.

“I got a hold of a specimen and ran some tests,” said Professor Gluck as he inserted a fresh pocket protector. “I managed to isolate a few key ingredients which make Mrs. Bennett’s recipe unique. It turns out the molasses, nutmeg and orange zest she adds bond with the cocaine molecules to form a novel compound, which creates a much more potent product. And you really can’t discount the fact it is made with love. I don’t partake in drug use myself, of course, but I have to admit it does smell great. If I were to do crack, this is definitely the crack I’d smoke.”

As of press time, Bettencourt had been spotted rocking on her porch, knitting buttflaps and pipe cozies to hand out at Christmas time.

The Best Eats in Every State Ranked by How Well They Fill the Hole Inside Me

Posted on by Dan Rice

For as long as I can remember every day of my life has been plagued with feelings of emptiness, inadequacy, and loathing for myself and everything around me. That’s probably why I became a foodie. It’s the only hobby where everything literally turns to crap at the end, instead of just figuratively, like everything I touch seems to do.

Through bitterness, a general dissatisfaction with life, and an ability to write at a fourth-grade reading level, I became a food critic. I decided to make it my goal to visit all 50 United States and sample the food they are best known for, because what the hell else is there to do? It’s all bullshit anyway.

Here it is, the culmination of my dumb life’s dumb work. Here is every state’s signature food ranked by how effectively they were able to fill the void in me where I guess human connection was supposed to go:

50. Virginia: Peanuts

Literally fucking peanuts. How am I supposed to eat my feelings with goddamn peanuts?! My problems are way bigger than peanuts Virginia! I appreciate the effort you put into boiling them for some reason but pass.

PRO TIP: Never go to Virginia

49. Washington: Rainier Cherries

What do you get when you cross-breed Bing cherries with Van cherries? Yeah, still just some dumb cherries. I didn’t come all the way up to the mountains for my health, so why are you serving me this?

48. Oregon: Marionberries

When I heard what was on the menu in Oregon I couldn’t wait to get there. I couldn’t believe I was about to devour the flesh of disgraced crack-smoking former mayor Marion Barry. I had so many questions, like how did the state’s most celebrated food become human flesh? And Why the former District of Columbia mayor specifically? How did they manage to keep supplying flesh from just one person long enough for it to become a staple? But mostly, I was just super pumped to finally cross that line and commit the ultimate taboo. Well, turns out it’s some dumb fruit.

47. California: Avocado Toast

The food that stopped an entire generation from being able to afford a home! Definitely not the economic turmoil inevitable in late-stage capitalism, nope, it was avocado toast and woke lattes. The best avocados in the country can in fact be found in California, and while they are deceptively fatty, it’s the good kind of fat. I don’t deserve the good kind of fat.

46. Iowa: Sweet Corn

Let me get this straight. I have a hole in me. An empty, corrosive void that leaves me feeling broken and incomplete all of the time, and I’m supposed to fill that void with corn? Corn. Look, it’s a perfectly fine side, but I’ve got demons to suppress and a cob can only hold so much butter Iowa.

45. Alaska: Salmon

We all love salmon, and salmon fresh from Alaska is the best Salmon you can get. Good enough to justify a $700 10-hour flight to Alaska? Well, no, but try to remember life is meaningless.

44. South Carolina: Lowcountry Boil

More damned corn! Apparently, South Carolina’s flagship delicacy is this weird corn and shrimp “stew” that doesn’t even have any broth! How the hell did you people get so dumb and weird eating food this healthy?! I’ll never eat my feelings at this rate.

43. New Hampshire: Apple Cider Donuts

Yes, it’s a donut, and all donuts are an excellent source of grease, carbohydrates, and fleeting comfort, but this particular variety is overrated. They’re usually cakey and the cinnamon and sugar dusting does all the heavy lifting. Honestly, after the 10th one I barely wanted to finish the dozen.

42. Massachusetts: Clam Chowder

New England clam chowder is delicious, and the chowder they serve in Massachusetts is indeed a cut above the rest, but is it really worth the price of admission? I.E., being in Massachussets? Few things are.

PRO TIP: Being rude to your waiter will ensure that they will spit in your soup, adding a psycho-sexual layer of humiliation to your bowl of hot heavy cream.

41. Utah: Fry Sauce

These are french fries served with a secret recipe sauce that tastes like Thousand Island dressing and is, of course, Thousand Island dressing. It’s a greasy good way to drown your sorrows, but like, did I really need to come all the way to Utah for this?

40. Illinois: Deep-Dish Pizza

You know how Superman has Bizzaro? Well, pizza has this. Nothing this bad for you should taste this terrible, but I will say that after forcing just two slices down my gullet I’m too logey to dwell on the fact that my own son hates me.

39. Minnesota: Juicy Lucy

The “Juicy Lucy” is a cheeseburger with a twist: The cheese is in the middle! It’s delicious, and a fitting reminder that what’s terrible, toxic, and corrosive about me is on the inside.

38. Alabama: Pecan Pie

As a broken person who has burned more bridges than he could ever hope to build, I love me some pie. Pecan pie is an open pie made with brown sugar, pecans, brown sugar, butter, and of course brown sugar. I would never say no to a slice of pecan pie, and it’s only ranked lower than other pies on this list because of the potential health benefits of nuts. I do not deserve antioxidants, and I do not deserve love.

37. Michigan: Coney Dog

You know what goes great on meat? More meat. If you disagree, congratulations, your serotonin levels are just fine, but me? I’m getting a Coney dog.

36. Arkansas: Chocolate Gravy

Traditionally this dessert gravy is served on biscuits, but as a man who refused to take over a 250-year-old family business and sabotaged 4 marriages, I’ve never been one for tradition. When I’m in Arkansas I pour this stuff over everything. Pancakes, turkey, my own head, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.

35. Mississippi: Biscuits

If you think biscuits are a dumbass state food you’re thinking about that Pillsbury trash. Real home-cooked biscuits are warm, fluffy, near-perfect substitutions for love, with ungodly amounts of butter baked right on the top. That’s not to say I won’t be slapping more butter on these bad boys when they’re served. I’m trying to fill an emotional void, not start my day right.

34. New York: Bagels

A lot of people say New York is all about pizza, but if you look hard enough you can find decent New York-style pizza just about anywhere. Trying to find New York-style bagels outside the Northeast on the other hand will drive you to madness.

PRO TIP: When they ask you how much cream cheese you want just say “Enough to cancel plans.”

33. West Virginia: Pepperoni Roll

This food was designed to combat the bleakness of West Virginian coal miner life, so it can more than handle whatever menial problem I’m blowing out of proportion on any given day.

32. Florida: Key Lime Pie

As a man slowly coming to terms with the fact that he’s almost 50 and never going to write that novel, I love me some pie. In this graham cracker-crusted meringue-topped version curdelling is part of the process. There’s a metaphor for my shitty life in there somewhere, but I’m too full of pie to think of it.

31. Vermont: Maple Syrup

Nothing against Mrs. Buttersworth, but she just can’t hold a candle to the rich shame eating you can do with the dark, complex sugars created by naturally occurring Vermont maple syrup.

PRO TIP: Skip the pancakes! They’re basically just bread discs and you can fit way more syrup down the hatch without them.

30. Nebraska: Runza

It’s basically a slightly fancier hot pocket.

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Prog Metal Band Takes Totally Unnecessary Vow of Celibacy Before Tour

Posted on by Cory Cousins

DULUTH, Minn. — Local prog metal shredders Bride Of Pythagoras made an announcement this week that every member of the band would be taking a vow of celibacy, albeit entirely unnecessary, before hitting the road for a three month tour, confused sources close to the band confirmed.

“Leading up to our announcement, everyone in the band agreed that we need to be completely focused during our upcoming tour with no distractions from the two or three women we’ll see over the next few months at our shows,” said Bride Of Pythagoras vocalist Bennett Plimpleton. “We’re not some punk rock band who plays three chords and passes out on stage from drunkenness. All of our repertoire contains every major, minor, augmented, half-diminished you-name-it chord in the book; usually zipped through at over 200 bpm. We can’t be consumed with something as distracting as sex while treading through a labyrinth of scale modes. Granted, none of us have ever actually known the most intimate of carnal pleasures, but hey, you never know!”

Prog metal connoisseur and straight cisgender woman Miranda Wyatt gave her opinion on the appeal of prog metal as a polarizing subgenre, as well as a female perspective regarding any shred of sex appeal associated with the musical style.

“Honestly, prog metal just does it for me,” admitted Wyatt while dusting off a Symphony X vinyl. “I can’t get enough of the lightning-fast guitar solos, intricate polyrhythms, and fantasy-based lyrical content. As far as sexual appeal, it never occurred to me. It’s like watching a bunch of band directors out-nerd each other on stage. It satisfies my musical curiosity, but is about as far away from a turn on as I can imagine.”

Well-known and respected “rock psychiatrist” Dr. Judith Caldicott-Lipschitz lent her expertise to illustrate connections between musical subgenres and sex.

“I have had the opportunity to work with many famous metal acts over the years such as Mötley Crüe, Whitesnake, and even Ratt,” said Dr. Caldicott-Lipschitz. “They all had one thing in common, getting an absurd amount of ass while on the road, usually leading to band discord, if you will, and would take their focus away from the music. In all my years of practicing psychiatry, sex has never come up with prog musicians. They mainly tend to obsess over V7 chords, worrying they may become tawdry and pedantic at some point. Not exactly Poison material.”

At press time, members of Bride Of Pythagoras decided to amend the vow of celibacy to allow for the use of RealDolls and Fleshlights in case of emergencies.

Top 15 Best Guesses of What They’re Singing in Cap’n Jazz Songs

Posted on by Sam LiButti

Cap’n Jazz is the most important emo band of the 90s Midwest scene. They are also the most confounding. When I discovered them on a ska forum for a city I didn’t live in (yes, really), I asked the elder rudies and emos about the lyrics, and the only story I got was “Tim Kinsella was tripping and those lyrics just came out of his mouth.” For whatever reason, I accepted this and moved on for 15 years. It took me until now to realize that maybe it’s okay for me to look further than the shroom tales of the old ska men of Connecticut. So today, let’s sit down and try to figure out what these songs are really about if anything at all.

15. “Olerud”

From what I can tell, this is a live recording, which makes it one of the hardest to understand of the whole bunch. Sadly, this led to me missing out on the fact that at the end of this song, he is apparently screaming “I inherited hard-boiled eyes,” which is a great introduction to what you can expect from this band and their lyrics going forward. It’s gonna get weird; don’t say I didn’t warn you!

14. “Flashpoint: Catheter”

Luckily, this one isn’t actually about catheters, thank God. It also apparently doesn’t start with the line “Lego sky” as I had always thought. The real line is “That Van Gogh sky shrinks the city that shrinks me” which I suppose is the more poetic choice of the two. Having said that, I’m very much in support of more emo bands singing about Lego in the future, so hopefully some of you are taking note.

13. “Puddle Splashers”

“We’re busy touching till we’re dizzy stupid” I wouldn’t fully relate to this one until I was like 22, if you catch my drift.

12. “Oh Messy Life”

A song about the repetition of work and the boredom of an average life. I’ll go out on a limb and say everyone can relate to this one; sadly, almost 30 years later, this is just as relevant as ever. They really need to get moving on those robots that were supposed to take over all of our jobs; I’m tired.

11. “Scary Kids Scaring Kids”

It’s hard to listen to this one without thinking of my friend, who constantly reminded me that a weird synthy post-hardcore band had used the title as their band name. This song features lyrics about imitation and copying something that loses its value and becomes something superficial to profit from. The irony here speaks for itself.

10. “Basil’s Kite”

From the title alone, you really hope this is simply a song about flying kites with your homie Basil. Tim sounds pretty angry here, though, and I have my suspicions that Basil could be partly responsible. A glance at the lyrics makes me feel like I’m not far off. “Dumb loser user boy so used to the abuse. Can’t see how he’s been used.” Lesson of the day, folks: never lend your friend your kite, no matter how much he promises he won’t get it stuck in that big ass tree he is standing right next to. Exemplified no better than in the closing line, “I can’t fly till he can fly” poor Timmy has to wait in line to use his own kite. I’d start an emo band too if I had friends like Basil who mistreated kite privileges like that.

9. “Take On Me”

I may be dumb, but I’m not that dumb. They didn’t even write this one! I’m pretty sure it was that sick dude with the pompadour harassing that nice lady inside that issue of Archie, or whatever, who penned this jam. It somehow works, though, and results in one of the best songs on the album.

8. “Little league”

This is actually one of the first songs I heard from Cap’n Jazz, and it is also one of the only ones where I could easily pick out some of the lyrics. “Hey coffee eyes, you got me coughing up my cookie heart” is certainly a strange opener; I’m not sure that would work on Hinge, but it works here to create a perfect emo love song. Honorable mention to the overlapping part at the end about kitty cats and putting a hex on thin kids skinny necks.

7. “Ooh Do I Love You”

You would expect this to also be a love song based on the title, but if there is anything I’ve learned from Cap’n Jazz, it is that the title isn’t always reliable to figure out what you’re going to get from the song. This song features everything from smiling at the sight of reptiles to stepping on “that little fucker’s jaw” and snapping them in half. True romance right there.

6. “Ooh Do I Love You”

This isn’t a mistake. I’m dead serious. This song is on the album twice, except this is an acoustic version that gives us a rare stripped-down look at the lyrics of the song, which is always helpful, but the song cuts off in the middle of the final lyric, which is almost funny in a way, like even when they make it easier to hear the lyrics, they still make it tricky in some way.

5. “Hey Ma, Do I Hafta Choke On These”

It’s a rare case of the title of the song being one of the lyrics of the song. It works to great effect here, as that’s a pretty great enigmatic line and a great long weird emo song title, as is tradition. There are only 5 lines in this entire song, but coming in at a little over 2 minutes, it works and never feels sparse. I’ve always said, 2 minutes is all you need, though my girlfriend seems to disagree.

4. “Tokyo”

A nice break in the middle of the album for some spoken-word poetry. I assumed it would be about their favorite anime and how badly they want to go to Japan so they can truly fit in or something. Tokyo, however, serves mostly as a symbol for big cities in general and how they can make you feel alone and small. I’m kind of bummed it’s not actually about anime, because that sounds pretty cool to me. Remember when Goku would fly around on that cloud? Not to get all Anthony Fantano on you guys, but that’s kind of what this song sounds like to me.

3. “In The Clear”

This song rules because I never noticed before that the chorus is “Canine ate seven sick five-year-olds” which is a fun little twist on “98765” and later on you get another line that is just a big chunk of the alphabet. A song about growing up and becoming a big kid, so Cap’n Jazz has more in common with Pull-Ups commercials than I initially thought.

2. “Bluegrassish”

“Boys kissing boys” once again has a great opening line and a short song featuring only 6 lines, the last of which is just Kinsella screaming “Virginia!” which is apparently his grandmother’s name. I don’t see the connection here personally, but I’ll always get behind the general idea of boys kissing other boys, whether in the presence of a grandma or not.

1. “The Sands’ve Turned Purple”

The first Cap’n Jazz song I ever heard and still my favorite. I’m not sure if it’s an intentional connection, but I have always related this band to jazz music itself, mostly because the difficult-to-understand lyrics are kind of not as important as the emotion conveyed by his voice. Similar to a horn player, you don’t have to know what they are saying to understand what they mean. Does “put the flame hat on” make any sense to me? Not really, but I feel a wave of angsty emotions every time I listen to this one, so they did something right.

Photo by Lester-bangbangs

7 Refreshing Summer Cocktails That Say “I’ve Been Arrested Shirtless Before”

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

It’s the worst, sweatiest part of summer, which means that your backyard drinks need to get breezier, more refreshing, and more reflective of the fact that you have been violently detained by the police while shirtless multiple times before.

This summer, you don’t have to resign yourself to lukewarm Miller High Life and as much cheap-ass vodka as you can snag from your neighbors’ house while pretending you desperately need to come over to use the bathroom because yours has been all “worked over.” Sip these bad boys and let everyone know you’re not scared of the police or showing off your torso!

1. “Water” Melon Daiquiri

When the weather’s hot, nothing beats a cool blended daiquiri, the kind you can really chuck at a neighbor’s head in a poolside argument over what constitutes a medium-rare New York strip that goes too far! The key to this one is that the “water” melon part of this classic mix of rum, lime juice, and raw sugar is actually vodka. No one will know until you rip your shirt off and the cops are called.

2. Tom Collins Junior

Ah, one of the first truly American cocktails: the Tom Collins. The beautifully balanced mix of gin, lemon, soda, and simple syrup instantly becomes a Tom Collins Junior when you have more than four of them at the block party down the street from your neighbor’s house and let everyone know you’re Mother’s beautiful little boy, and beautiful little boys don’t wear shirts if they don’t want to.

3. Thai Basil Slammer

What’s summer without a little spice?! The key to this wickedly delicious mixed shot of gin muddled with Thai basil, seedless cucumber, and prik kee noo peppers is slamming it back hard as the setting summer burns into your eyes. The stupid shocked faces of the people at this YMCA singles mixer that you stumbled into after the block party are telling you someone needs to fight, and Sensei Ryan has always told you that shirts impede your kata and everything goes black and then… sirens! The perfect slammer.

4. Aperol Slugged Straight from the Bottle

Once you get out of the drunk tank and have been informed that you are no longer allowed back at the YMCA even to use the pool, there’s nothing more refreshing than the bitter digestif swigged straight from the bottle. Sure, it’s not ”technically” a cocktail, but we’ll give you this one if you can keep your shirt on for a minute.

5. Old-Fashioned Fight with Your Dad

Knock-knock! Don Draper at the door, he wants his trademark Canadian Club Old-Fashioned back! Just kidding, it’s your dad relaxing at home with a nice summer cocktail made from muddled whiskey, sugar, orange, and the piece de resistance, a cocktail cherry! You’re finally ready to show him you’re a man, and he can’t push you around anymore. C’mon, OLD MAN, GET THAT SHIRT OFF AND FIGHT!

6. Ice Cubes the Dog Missed During the Fight

Okay, your dad still has a wicked left hook, and he’s called the cops, time to move. Grab a couple of the fallen ice cubes from his old-fashioned before the dog gets them, they’ll still have some booze you can suck off.

Quick, duck into this abandoned building.

7. I’m Not Afraid of the Policetini

If there’s one cocktail we all swear by in the summer, it’s the I’m Not Afraid of the Policetini! Simply mix every kind of alcohol you can in a pint glass and let those fucking pigs with sirens out there that you will never put on a shirt, and they’re going to have to kill you if they don’t want to see your nipples!

Cheers!

Nonconformist’s Battle Vest Made up of Only Sleeves

Posted on by Sara Božin

CHICAGO — Local punk and nonconformist Don Michaelson is reportedly strutting around town showing off an alternative vest that is made up entirely of sleeves, puzzled sources confirmed.

“I used to be a part of the local punk scene, but I left because the scene was filled with sheep just going with the flow,” explained Michaelson. “It was awful: people were listening to the same music, wearing similar clothes, and generally enjoying themselves in a way that insulted me personally. Sure, I also love all of the same things that they did, but I had to take a stand against those posers on principle. First I came up with the reverse Mohawk by shaving a single stripe down my head, but no one got it. They just assumed I accidentally set the clippers to the wrong setting. After that, I knew I had to push the boundaries of my art even further. So I created the anti-vest. I didn’t do it for attention, but I was really hoping more people would ask me about it.”

However, Michaelson’s girlfriend Kathryn Cooperman feels differently about his creation.

“At least these were slightly better than his cutoff shorts that consisted only of the portion of the jeans below the knee,” said Cooperman. “Going out in public with him is so difficult now. Whenever someone makes a passing comment about those damn sleeves, he spends forty minutes explaining to them how brilliant he thinks they are. Not only that, but Chicago gets really cold in the winter. Last January, he refused to wear any outerwear other than the sleeves and there were at least two occasions where his nipples started bleeding. I was seriously worried he would end up with hypothermia.”

Denim historian Dr. Levi Goodman weighed in on the significance of the anti-vest and what it could potentially represent.

“This garment has raised many questions that still remain unanswered within my field,” said Goodman. “If Michaelson has created a garment that rebels against the alternative fashion of an already nonconformist subculture, does that technically make the anti-vest conformist? If you stack two nonconformist fashion choices on top of each other, do they cancel each other out? Does any of that even make sense? I’ve spent days reviewing the literature and I still don’t know what it means.”

At press time, Michaelson had plans to ditch the sleeves and “become the vest” by gluing patches directly to his skin.