29. Colorado: Rocky Mountain Oysters
Usually, I’ll only put testicles in my mouth if I’m ordered to by a highly paid dominatrix, but even Mistress Tina couldn’t stop me from popping load after load of these deep-fried bad boys.
28. Kentucky: Hot Brown
Originating at the Brown Hotel in Louisville, it’s a sandwich seemingly built by and for severe depression. What do you want, turkey? Ham? Bacon? How about all three! And hey, why do all the work of assembling the sandwich? Let’s just throw all that on top of some bread, smother it in cheese sauce, and call it a day!
27. Montana: Huckleberry Pie
As a man whose eroded every interpersonal relationship to the point that his funeral will probably only be attended by a handful of well-tipped strippers, I love me some pie. Huckleberry pie is similar to blueberry pie but with a hint of bitterness to remind you that you don’t deserve nice things.
PRO TIP: If you would like a scoop of ice cream with your pie, order it “A’ la mode.” If you just cry and scream “Dear God I need help!” the waiter won’t know what you mean.
26. Delaware: Scrapple
A pan-fried slice of bread made out of cornmeal and mushed butcher scraps? Sure, I guess I deserve that. Thanks for reminding me what a piece of crap I am Delaware.
25. Arizona: Sonoran Hot Dog
A lot of places try to make the hot dog their thing, and it’s usually kinda sad. In Chicago, they throw a salad on it for some reason. In Michigan, they smother it in an all-meat chili. Okay, getting warmer, but I’m still feeling some feelings. Enter the Sonoran hot dog, a beef frank wrapped in bacon on a steamed bun with all the fixings. Good luck bubbling to the surface after I down a half dozen of these puppies, childhood trauma!
24. North Carolina: Fried Green Tomatoes
These deep-fried unripened tomatoes teach a valuable lesson. If you’re feeling undeveloped and incomplete, try deep frying!
23. North Dakota: Hotdish
The first time I ordered hotdish it was because I was coming off a drug bender and forgot how to speak. Imagine my surprise to find out it was a real thing! I’m gonna scoop spoonful after spoonful of this tater tot and canned soup casserole into my mouth until I forget I’m in North Dakota.
22. Ohio: Cincinnati Chili
You might think Cincinnati is only good for picking up a venereal disease cruising the restroom at the Greyhound station but you’re wrong! They also have decent chili.
21. New Mexico: Chiles Rellenos
Just one of these fried cheese and meat-stuffed poblano peppers is considered a meal, but that won’t stop me from eating them the same way I eat jalapeno poppers — by the dozen.