20. Pennsylvania: Philly Cheesesteak
In most cities, if you order a cheesesteak sub they’ll use American cheese or even something fancy like cheddar. Not Philly. They know to just load it up with cheese-whiz and hand it over to you in a grease-translucent paper bag like the animal you are.
19. South Dakota: Fry Bread
Fry bread has a complicated history. Ingredients for it were given to displaced Native Americans who couldn’t source their traditional foods in the areas they were relocated to. It has come to symbolize both colonialism and Native American resilience. It fills me with guilt to think of the plight of native peoples. Which makes me eat more fry bread. Which leads to more guilt, and on and on.
18. Rhode Island: Stuffies
All the dark inner-voice suppressing benefits of having just stuffing for dinner with a touch of class!
17. Hawaii: Loco Moco
I flew all the way here to find out their top cuisine was everything in the fridge served over rice with gravy. I could have made that at home,and in fact, often do, but they get a lot of points for only using ingredients that haven’t expired yet.
16. Indiana: Tenderloin Sandwich
Have you ever eaten a fried chicken sandwich and thought to yourself “This is a nice distraction from the constant emptiness I feel, but it would be better if it were pork”? No? Well, unlike you, the fine people of Indiana get me.
15. Louisiana: Gumbo
It’s time to eat our feelings, cajun style! It’s a spiced gravy soup with sausage and shrimp. Take that my constant sense of guilt for no particular reason!
14. Wyoming: Chicken-Fried Steak
Yes, the traditional dish of Wyoming is a breaded and fried steak smothered in gravy served with fried okra and bread, in case all the fried stuff didn’t have enough bread. I could live here. And then probably die shortly after.
13. Georgia: Peach Cobbler
It’s like a pie cake!
12. Maryland: Crab Cakes
It’s a good thing these things are so carby and delicious. I’ve done a lot of stuff in Baltimore that I’m not proud of.
11. Idaho: Ice Cream Potato
Until I came to Idaho I thought I was the only one sad enough to put iced cream on a baked potato. I’ve never felt more seen.
10. Oklahoma: Onion Burger
It’s your standard cheeseburger with one slight innovation: onions. Specifically, onions mushed right into the patty to absorb any excess grease that would otherwise go to waste in the pan! And that little bit of grease that does manage to escape the patty? Just use it to fry more onions! You’ll be in a flavor country faster than you can say “Could someone call an ambulance? I think I’m having a heart attack.”
9. Tennessee: Hot Chicken
The authentic Tennessee version beats out Chick-fil-A and Popeyes any day. I should know, I ate all three back to back to back to be sure.
8. Texas: Smoked Brisket
Yeee haw! Nothing like old-school Texas BBQ to give those pesky inner demons a meat nap, partner!
7. Maine: Lobster Roll
One of the most luxurious delivery vehicles for butter money can buy! A hot Maine lobster roll will solve all of your problems right up until you swallow your last bite, which is unfortunately not far from your first bite because these babies are lubricated! Better go ahead and make it a double instead of paying my gas bill this month.
6. Missouri: Gooey Butter Cake
It’s basically a giant cookie with sweetened butter on top finished off with a layer of powdered sugar. Sure, we’ve all thought about buttering our cookies, but Missouri gone done did it! The art of fine cuisine boils down to giving people permission to eat insane unhealthy things, and to that end, Missouri has given us the best food since Thailand told us we could eat chicken with peanut butter.
5. Connecticut: White Clam Pizza
Leave it to Connecticut to put a classist and inaccessible spin on traditional peasant food, but god is it delicious. It’s a white cheese pizza with clams, garlic, and bacon that uses oil, fucking OIL, instead of sauce. There’s some debate as to who has the best clam pie. I’ve lived in New Haven, so I went ahead and ranked my top 3 along with what life event drove me to eat an entire large by myself and throw up in the parking lot each time.
3. Modern Apizza – Disowned by son.
2. Pepe’s – 2nd divorce.
1. Sally’s – A Yale student told me he didn’t have any change as he walked by me. I was not asking for money.
4. New Jersey: Disco Fries
I thought that I actually invented disco fries in my kitchen when I was drunk at 3 a.m. and feeling extra low, but apparently, the Tick Tock Diner in Clifton, New Jersey beat me to it back in the ‘70s. Have you ever been eating cheese fries and thought to yourself “There should be gravy on these because life is meaningless”? No? Well, congrats on being well-adjusted. For the rest of us, there’s New Jersey disco fries.
3. Wisconsin: Cheese Curds
It’s fried cheese. It’s fried cheese. Sweet mother in heaven it’s fried fucking cheese! And what’s this on the side here, ranch? Ranch?! Is this to dip the little chunks of fried cheese into?! Is That allowed?! I can seriously smother this tiny fried cheese ball in ranch dressing and no one is going to yell at me?! Wisconsin, you are a place of many sorrows, but you sure as hell know how to drown them.
2. Kansas: Burnt Ends
You know how when you slow cook a roast there’s just that’s one corner that’s all charred and fatty and salty and you eat it right away so no one else does? No? Well, pretend you’re a sad monster. Okay, so burnt ends are just a whole bowl of THAT, served with BBQ sauce. It’s a food that feels like it shouldn’t even be legal. If I could still get erections, I would get them for Kansas-style burnt ends.
PRO TIP: Order an extra portion, and then keep ordering until the pins and needles feeling in your feet become permanent.
1. Nevada: Buffet
That’s right, buffet. And no, it’s not a repurposed name for some local casserole or anything. The food Nevada is most famous for is all of the foods, served piping warm in chafing trays under heat lamps in bottomless quantities. It’s the punishing sort of mediocre indulgence a man needs after he’s just squandered most of his life’s savings on a Jenny McCarthy-themed slot machine.