LOS ANGELES – Ticketing giant Ticketmaster announced they will be tacking on a new “preemptive heatstroke treatment” fee to all concert tickets in the wake of the hottest global summer temperatures ever recorded, executives from the company confirmed from the comfort of their air-conditioned private jet.
“Nowadays, there’s a pretty good chance of suffering some sort of heat-related illness at a show and we were tired of having families whining about their comatosed loved ones every time someone got a little overheated,” explained Ticketmaster spokesperson Elizabeth Bouffard over the roar of the carbon-spewing plane. “This nominal charge of $17.50 per ticket will help us offset the costs of making sure our loyal fans get the critical medical care they need to avoid dying on the spot, which would unfortunately impact their ability to purchase future tickets from us.”
Music fans around the country immediately questioned the logic of the new fee.
“It says the ‘heatstroke treatment’ just covers one ice cube from venue staff to put on your forehead,” said avid concertgoer Janie Garza, reading through the fine print in her confirmation email for a recent ticket purchase. “Except if you bought a VIP upgrade — then you get three ice cubes made from clean water. And they’re charging it for winter shows, too. I’m seeing Linchpin Failure in December. In Milwaukee. So either Ticketmaster found its 1,000th way to rip us off or the planet’s really blowing up. Or actually — you know what, it’s probably both.”
Noted climate scientist Fredrik Saxonburg, Ph.D., confirmed the doubly bleak outlook for fans of live music.
“Sadly, this heatstroke fee is only the start,” he explained. “We’re about to see two things: a dramatic increase in ways for fans to actually die at a show as a result of extreme weather, and new ways for them to figuratively die as criminal ticketing monopolies take more of their money. Flash floods and LiveNation-branded lifejacket rental fees, wildfire smoke, and pricy canned fresh air at the merch table — all of it will grow exponentially. Just stay home … unless it’s, like, your all-time favorite band.”
At press time, Ticketmaster began installing permanent barricades around all shade-providing trees at outdoor venues and introduced a new upgrade fee to allow fans to stand under them.