Whether you call it weird fiction, sword and sorcery, or just plain nerd stuff, the fantasy genre is pretty incredible. Who among us can truly say they never dreamed of discovering that they were secretly an abused wizard child or a weird steampunk guy with gears on his top hat? Not us, that’s for sure, and we’ve had sex plenty of times.
But as fun as it would be to dive through the wardrobe and explore fantastical new worlds, we have to admit, we’d be goners going to pretty much any fairy tale kingdom. We don’t know shit about swords, how to ride a horse, or how many silver flagons there are in one gold sovereign or whatever.
We’ve ranked the most gorgeously realized fantasy worlds in literature, film, and video games in order to figure out how quickly we’d be murdered by trolls or eaten by a dragon or some shit.
Onward!
50. Myst
Kicking things off with Myst, the mysterious (get it? The 1990s were stupid) deserted island world full of talking books and complicated, deeply boring puzzles that are somehow supposed to be more fun than doing sword stuff. There’s pretty much no one on Myst, so we’d probably survive for a long time until we stumbled into the water while trying to catch a fish and drowned.
49. Kingdom of Daventry
Daventry is your pretty standard, off-the-rack fantasy kingdom from the King’s Quest game, and we think we’d do pretty well. Nothing happens to anyone who isn’t a member of the Royal Family, which seems pretty classist but still suits us fine.
48. Mushroom Kingdom
Oh yeah, we’d last a while, stomping on Toad’s head, throwing fireballs at turtles, and doing basically everything we’ve ever dreamed. Eventually, Bowser would eat us, though. He’d probably start with our feet or some weird shit, too. He seems like a freak.
47. Destiny Islands
Like a dragon is going to eat us when Goofy is standing right over there with Chirithy, and you know he’s got some meat on his bones. Wise up, Goofy always dies first. That’s basically all that Goofy is, cannon fodder.
46. Arendelle
Disney came up with this world, but modern-day wimp Disney, not “Black Cauldron,” terror Disney. We could probably last a few days before dying of frostbite or being stabbed to death with Olaf’s nose. At least we wouldn’t have to sing any songs.
45. Deltora
Oh, the Shadow Lord has the island of Deltora in a crushing grip of economic freefall and political repression? Give us a fucking break, we’re already doing way worse than that here, at least they’re on an island.
44. Equestria
You might not think it, but the land of My Little Pony actually has a lot of dragons. However, they’re mostly concerned with friendship and fun, and as long as we could prove we’re not some kind of Brony pervert, we’d be fine for a long-ass time.
43. Xanth
Xanth is basically magical Florida, with all the barely-veiled misogyny and not-at-all-veiled child abuse that implies. We wouldn’t last long here because we would gladly ask a dragon to bite our head to get out of this Chameleon-spelling hellhole.
42. Ingary
The world of “Howl’s Moving Castle” is constantly at war, but also, the worst witch in the entire kingdom doesn’t have anything better to do than fuck with a hatmaker. We’d do fine here as long as we don’t fall in love with a mysterious wizard and get squashed by his castle, which we definitely would.
41. Star Wars
A galaxy far, far away seems pretty far down on this list for a place with laser swords and spaceships piloted by howling dog-men, but it really feels like as long as you mind your own business and stay out places described as “wretched hives of scum and villainy,” you’d do fine. Also, we would have given those droids up in a heartbeat if it meant a few Imperial Credits in our weird belt pouch.
40. Discworld
This place is just too goofy to be really dangerous, even if it is full of dangerously random magic and giant elephants on top of turtles. Chances are we’d be torn apart by an enraged orangutan for spilling Yoohoo on a library book before a dragon got us. We’d probably still show up in a sequel, though.
39. Jumanji
Look, if dumbass Robin Williams can survive in the jungle when he was a spoiled rich kid, we think we’ll be able to last quite a long time. Double goes for Kevin Hart, because if it were actually dangerous in Jumanji, something would be eating his fucking guts right now.
38. Hyrule
We won’t mince words: Hyrule can be pretty freaky. That weird moon face in “Majora’s Mask” freaked us out for weeks, and we’re not going to pretend that Ganon’s pig-guy form didn’t make us lay off the Cheetos for a few days. But, ultimately, Hyrule has waaay too convoluted of continuity for us even to know what we are going to get killed by. A demon from another universe? A dude who wants to bring back another dude, but it turns out he’s the soul of a sword somehow? Pick a lane, Hyrule.
37. Earthsea
Okay, in Earthsea, there’s so, so, so many dragons. Like, this place is lousy with dragons, but they’re the kind where if you figure out what their name is, you can just be like, “Hey, don’t eat me,” and they have to do it. Oh, they want to eat you. They want to. But they can’t, because you know their stupid dragon name!
36. Cybertron
Is there such a thing as a Transformers dragon? Of course there fucking is, and Stanley Tucci made it kill a bunch of Saxons in the Fifth Century, but, as far as we know, there are no dragons on Cybertron, the machine world of the Autobots. We’d still probably get run over by a jeep that has a surfer accent or a racist-coded motorcycle or something, though.
35. The Labyrinth
The Labyrinth couldn’t even stop a whiny 16-year-old girl. While we’re no Jennifer Connelly, we’re also pretty sure we could beat up David Bowie if push came to shove. Worst case scenario: we get lost, and we end up eating Hoggle and using goblins for firewood to stay warm.
34. Terabithia
God, this one is depressing. We could probably last a bit of time in Terabithia because we’re grown-ass adults, and this place only kills children without self-preservation instincts. Wait, what if the children that are killed are actually our own innocence, and we’re already dead? No, that’s stupid. We’ll be fine here.
33. Berk
Now we’re starting to get into some gorgeously realized, carefully world-built deathtraps! Yeah, the “How to Train Your Dragon” world has a lot of dragons, and we’d almost certainly get killed after we covered ourselves in loose wool to pretend to be sheep. For…our own reasons. That or the Vikings would kill us because of the sheep thing.
32. Dinotopia
A remote island filled with talking dinosaurs who survived extinction and have built a magnificent civilization of harmonious peace and advanced technology sounds good, but at the end of the day, some T. Rex is going to get tired of the lizard equivalent of tofu and swallow us whole. It’s just what’s going to happen, get used to it.
31. Barsoom
We’re not going to last all that long on this desolate version of Mars because a world in which a racist-ass Confederate soldier becomes a hero is probably not going to be all that hospitable to us. We’d probably accidentally mention that slavery was abolished in America, and a Green Martian would rip off our heads or something.
30. Albion
Honestly, we think we’d be fine in the world of Albion from the “Fable” games because you can do anything you want there except be a non-White person. It would probably be pretty easy just to hide out beneath a rock someplace while everyone else is trying to kill their father’s murderer like the game designers just expected us to have never seen “The Princess Bride.”
The Baltimore kicker is the all-time best to ever do it. If a hungry horse came at Tucker he could just swing that foot and basically make the horse explode on impact. Let this be a warning to all horses, stay away from Justin Tucker or your guts will be booted halfway to Atlanta.
Folk has been around the game for a long time. His skills might be declining on the field, but he’s a crafty veteran who can use his football knowledge to avoid most horse-relate injuries. Whether it’s keeping the horse at bay with a pitchfork, or simply grabbing a salt lick. Folk is a safe bet.
Another veteran of the sport. Greg “The Leg” originally got his nickname after he booted a football 65 yards and knocked out a horse that was attacking a small child. Horses around the world know it’s best not to test him.
In 2019 while Koo was a kicker for the Atlanta Legends in the AAF he was attacked by a horse in the middle of a game. Thankfully freelance horse wranglers were in attendance and saved Koo from severe injury, but since then he’s been trained in horse-specific self-defense.
The Bengals kicker is one of the few NFL players that has openly admitted to beating the crap out of multiple horses, offering no explanation outside of “I just like doing it.” His aggressiveness towards the majestic beasts makes him a safe bet to make it through the season without being eaten by a horse.
Another veteran with lots of experience avoiding horse attacks. Gano has a special clause in his contract that assures any team he plays for provides three sharpshooters trained to take down any horses that come within 100 feet of him.
The defending Super Bowl champs don’t have much to worry about. Butker is not only an excellent kicker but is also a certified Horse Whisperer. It is rumored he is so good at the practice that he convinced a young Appaloosa to rob a 711.
Santos is the only player in the NFL legally allowed to carry a gun on him at all times. If the Bears win the Super Bowl (They won’t) he will be strapped while meeting President Biden. Nobody knows why he carries the gun, but horses better take heed.
Playing in Miami has certain advantages, one of those is easy access to all sorts of cocaine. Sanders knows this, horses know this, and that means all animals are more likely to want to party with him. There is an unwritten rule in the animal kingdom that states “You never eat your cocaine supplier.”
If the Raiders still played in Oakland there is an 85% chance Carlson would be attacked by multiple horses over the course of the season. The amount of players the Raiders lost to horse attacks was one of the key reasons they moved. He is much safer in Vegas where horses are too busy gambling.
The Jaguars facility is famous for having multiple actual jaguars roam their facility. The apex predators scare away nearly all horses and other livestock but are known to attack players during warm-ups.
Bass is relatively safe from horses thanks to the wild antics of tailgating Bills fans. Most animals with any concept of logic avoid the Highmark Stadium parking lot at all costs because it is where humanity shows just how low it can sink.
When the Eagles beat the Patriots in Super Bowl LII fans took to the streets of Philadelphia and proudly started eating horse shit. This actually built up a good amount of goodwill with local horses and anyone associated with the Eagles franchise.
Horses can no longer afford to live in the Bay Area, the few horses that remain are busy working 3 jobs in order to stay afloat and have very little time to attack kickers. Especially since the stadium moved all the way to Santa Clara.
Most horses root for America’s team. It’s tough to say why since the team has been disappointing for over 25 years. But they remain loyal and chances are the Cowboys’ rookie kicker won’t be dismembered by a group of Clydesdales.
McLaughlin has had to apologize for tweets he made in high school where he called horses “The most worthless farm animals” and “Too stupid to ever eat me.” It’s tough to say whether his apology worked or not, time will tell.
Starting out pretty obvious here. Mr. MacKaye may be pretty good with money, which is why we know he would absolutely burn this motherfucker down for the insurance payout within the first five minutes.
The Businessman is top-heavy and one spin is enough to send him through three different sets of walls. Besides, it’s a pain in the ass to plié with Doc Martens on.
We’re not even sure that Mr. MacKaye knows what a cow is, let alone him being able to wrangle and milk like eight thousand of them all the time. Not to mention tractors are harder than tour vans to keep up and running regularly.
Mr. MacKaye has hated alcohol since he was a teenager. Assuming he’s even aware of how combustible grain alcohol is, then there’s no chance this business isn’t immediately going up in flames.
Generally, gun people love to give long, stupid speeches about their beliefs, but aren’t necessarily fans of having speeches pointed back at them. That’s where we feel like Mr. MacKaye is going to alienate a lot of his potential clientele. Maybe he’d do better with bow and arrow? Let’s find out somewhere in the mid-30s on this list.
The Businessman would abandon this business purely from lack of interest. Also, when he first went in he thought it meant amp cabinets and he just never got over that.
The bullshit factor at one of these “publish or perish” paper factories is so high that Mr. MacKaye would put his head through the office’s plate glass window rather than re-edit the second proof of the “Journal of Nonsense To Be Debunked Six Months From Now.”
Even when Mr. MacKaye had hair, it was never his main priority. Unless this place caters exclusively to skinheads and stepfathers who watch too many movies about Navy SEALS then the business is going under in less time than it takes to buzz a scalp. Also, we’re pretty sure Barbicide has alcohol in it, which certainly won’t help.
What? Did The Businessman suddenly become a talented yet unfulfilled white woman looking to be blindsided by love in an early 2000s rom-com? Actually, don’t think too hard about that one. Anyways, we stand by this ranking.
At least with this one Mr. MacKaye had the foresight to gaze into the crystal ball to see that no matter how hard he tries this place is going under before he ever has to restock the novelty rabbit hats.
What are the logistics of managing a small, organic, farm to table style trout hatchery? How the hell should we know? Is that even actually a thing? Regardless, Mr. MacKaye is gonna be in hot water attempting to run this small business – and hot water will also likely be the reason all of his fish die.
This place would only sell eco-friendly compact cars that burn old banana peels for fuel and fifteen-passenger tour vans that also only burn banana peels for fuel.
Mr. MacKaye probably isn’t the biggest fan of bowhunting, but he is certainly in favor of self-defense in the scene. Still, if he ran this one we would anticipate a sharp uptick in random arrow wounds being reported in the D.C. metropolitan area.
Here’s a little-known fact: Mr. MacKaye is legally banned from every Sunoco in the contiguous United States. No member of the public knows why, and it’s literally the only thing he refuses to talk about in interviews, but according to a trusted source who requested to remain anonymous (fuck it, it was Guy Picciotto) his ass treated the tile in the restroom at the Marietta location like a power washer trying to get gum off a sidewalk, and apparently management has never forgiven him.
This is like two steps outside of cop, so we know The Businessman’s not enthusiastic going in. He’ll certainly give it his best as a professional, but there’s no way he’s gonna be able to silently sift through a dumpster looking for evidence without causing enough commotion to alert every suspect in the vicinity that they’ve been made.
We can’t really see Mr. MacKaye going into this business with a whole lot of enthusiasm. He’s still a professional and he’ll give it his best, but at the end of the day he would absolutely hate this work – and you can’t serve croquettes that were made with hate.
Doesn’t this just look like fun? All you do all day is drive little toy cars around. Fun! Definitely not Mr. MacKaye’s cup of tea, everyone knows he gave up having fun in 1989.
Giddy up, giddy up, Mr. MacKaye! You’re gonna have to learn how to ride a horse and erect barbed wire fences real goddamn fast if you want half a shot at this business making any money.
Mr. MacKaye definitely gives off strong cat person energy. But regardless, his animal hospital would probably do pretty poorly. Somewhere between all of the complimentary pet care services for “the good of the Doberman scene” and the choice to invest in DIY fish penicillin, we don’t see this business making it more than a year.
Running a churro stand is a surprisingly high-stress venture. You mean to say you want cinnamon AND powdered sugar on the same stick!? Go to hell – you’ve bankrupted The Businessman.
Yeah, maybe he can throw a punch – but you can tell he would definitely apologize to you afterward and that wasted time is really gonna eat into his bottom line on this one.
