HAMDEN, Conn. — A local 49-year-old man wearing a Nirvana t-shirt was trounced after ruthless interrogation when he failed to name three Kohl’s locations despite his retail chain-inspired attire, sources confirmed in an inescapably mocking way.
“Literally like what even is this guy doing, that shirt is like older than my grandpa, we’re talking like — Cretaceous period fashions. You can get a fresh one that looks just as vintage at any Target or Kohl’s in the Parkway Shopping Plaza, idiot,” said Gen-Z influencer Teena Mae Marcus, while likely roasting us online somehow. “He claimed to not even know where the Kohl’s was, which, ultimately, read as classist to me, eye-dee-kay. Either way, that guy was mid as the cream in an Oreo, and everyone in the comments of the TikTok I posted of him agreed with me. If you’re going to wear a Nirvana shirt, make sure you can back it up with department store facts, like a real fan.”
The Gen-X man in question, self-described “scene legend” Amos Skelznyk, walked us through his recent existential crisis.
“I’m sorry, I’m just still a little rattled from not being considered cool for the first time in my life. This sucks in a way I could never have comprehended. Usually people are pretty stoked to see an honest to goodness Nirvana tour shirt,” said Skelznyk, while considering throwing his David Cross-style glasses into a nearby dumpster, just in case. “I don’t know where the Kohl’s is, I just buy my shirts at shows, and have been wearing the same jeans and sneakers since 1994. Like, genuinely, the same ones. Anyway, I may not be able to name three Kohl’s locations, but I can list almost three Nirvana songs.”
An employee from the local Kohl’s revealed some shocking revelations pertaining to the rock shirts they sell.
“It’s long been a secret here that the band shirts we sell here are all legit vintage shirts. Everyone thinks they’re mass-produced, but we have a whole hell of a lot more pride in our merchandise than that. We spend countless hours in thrift stores and eBay to procure enough for stock,” said assistant manager Francine Merrick, with a hushed tone. “We lose thousands of dollars every fiscal year selling 900 dollar shirts for 13 bucks each, but if that’s what it takes to kick TJ Maxx’s ass in the authenticity department, then we do what we gotta do. Hopefully, one day our customers will notice.”
At press time, Skelznyk was finally able to recall one Kohl’s location, which just so happened to be the one he’s worked at for the past six years, and was simply too high to remember.