It’s Friday night, baby. Time to rock that cholesterol with fast food and go hog-wild on LinkedIn. In a greasy sodium rush you ask yourself: how do you know that you’ve gone too far? Are your LinkedIn habits making you unhireable? Well, we’ve ranked the major fast food franchise mascots below as a barometer for how annoying you could possibly be on LinkedIn. Think of this as a guide, helpful when navigating contact with random old schoolmates, people you emailed once ten years ago, and bygone coworkers from companies that no longer exist. Let’s jump into this professional network hellscape!
14. Happy Star (Carl’s Jr./Hardee’s)
Happy Star gives the occasional like and is barely online. They’re just glad to be here, quietly chilling in your connections list. Easily the least annoying of the bunch, only weird when they start posting about their New Age interests. Apparently they’ve gotten into crystal energy healing in Arizona and have started offering “wellness courses.” Anyway, this Happy Star is most likely enjoying life away from their computer, and they’ll sometimes remind you about that with a post.
13. The Taco Bell Chihuahua
Sure, he’s from your distant past, but this little fella is a lurker. Why is he always looking at your page? You can always rely on seeing this guy in your notifications. You give him a pass because it’s Taco Bell and that’s still your fast food of choice, but this dude will even like and comment on sponsored content. Typical chihuahua, responds to anything. Mostly in barks and quivers – don’t move too quickly around him.
12. Birdie the Early Bird
Who is on LinkedIn posting advice at 5 a.m.? It’s Birdie. The early bird gets the worm and apparently hijacks the algorithm, so you’re constantly seeing her posts. But there’s some sound advice in there, so you don’t mind. Sometimes you’ll screenshot one and, like most people, never look at it again. She was apparently the first female McDonald’s mascot so, if anything, Birdie is a trailblazer. Also, she seems to actually be into eating worms.
11. Jollibee Bee
Too many selfies from the Jollibee Bee, plus they post way, way too often. Interacts with anything you post, too. Lots of emojis, especially the awful “laugh-cry” to punctuate sentences. You don’t exactly know what they do, but they are always sharing “wins” or excited about some new campaign. Constantly networking, always busy. They’re a fucking bee, afterall. But there’s something weirdly comforting about seeing a giant red bee at all of these events. You remind yourself that it’s just a parasocial relationship, you don’t actually know this bright red bee. But you know they spoke on multiple panels last year and made Forbes 30 Under 30.
10. Grimace (McDonald’s)
Grimace treats LinkedIn like Facebook, sending unsolicited messages and oversharing constantly. Anytime a celebrity dies, Grimace posts a long rambling post about how much this “visionary” meant to them, somehow bringing it back to a recent injury or a clogged toilet. Way too many mentions of clogged toilets. Every other post is about a clogged toilet. Makes you consider Grimace’s anatomy in a way you never wanted to. What the fuck even is Grimace? Either way, you have a message from him on LinkedIn waiting for you.
9. Little Caesar’s PIZZA! PIZZA! Guy
Announces every job transition as though he were the fucking President resigning. Every career transition is like an awards acceptance speech, with multiple people tagged and awkardly thanked. Conjures up the most bland lessons learned imaginable. Wow, “teamwork makes the dreamwork,” huh? How long did that one take? The Little Caesar’s guy distributes half-hearted compliments to everyone before sharing a “quirky” office photo that makes absolutely no sense. Has honestly quoted lyrics from Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” when discussing his career change. Also, for some reason, frequently repeats his comments and types in all caps.
8. The Noid (Domino’s Pizza)
We all have that LinkedIn connection that makes you wonder: How the fuck do I even know this person? Their name is vaguely familiar, at best. You’d click on their profile, but the last thing you need is them knowing you’ve looked at their profile page. This is basically The Noid. He’s familiar but also kinda not, like a dream or the shittiest déjà vu you can imagine. Anyway, the Noid uses posts as a way to talk about recent “personal challenges,” mostly about stopping pizza deliveries in his neighborhood. What is this dude’s deal?
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