7. The Hamburglar (McDonald’s)
Still dining out on a single viral article written years ago, “Why You Should Ask Your Co-Workers How Many Hamburgers They’re Earning”. Has a book deal. Started a podcast. Entering his “thought leadership” phase. You honestly had to mute him. Plus, his entire brand is hamburgers: trading hamburgers, acquiring hamburgers, bringing everything back to hamburgers. It must be a fetish, right? We get it, you’re in a niche industry, bro.
6. Chuck E. Cheese
Everyone has the smooth “sales bro” in their network. Sure, maybe he’s less “fast food’ and more “experiential entertainment,” but that’s exactly what this kinda dude would say. You honestly could mistake this person with a club promoter. The slicked back hair. The shades. Probably has a black and white isolated profile picture with a brightly colored background. Worst of all: he signs his posts “-Chuck” at the end. Like a letter to a fan. How is he always hiring for new positions? Somehow always at conferences in the shittiest cities, boasting about the new connections he’s made, wearing sunglasses inside. You ask yourself, where do all those lanyards go? Do they become prizes at Chuck E. Cheese? Somehow has a huge following online. Can spread hollow corporate jargon as easily as germs spread between arcade buttons and greasy pizza.
5. The King (Burger King)
The obnoxious private jet lifestyle guru of wealth and luxury. Photos of extremely high-class products and brands paired with the most cliché quotes imaginable. Literally named himself The King. Often tries to bring conversations back to Elon Musk. Comments on public posts with his advice, which is mostly useless since he’s a trust fund kid. The worst is when The King shares inspirational misquotes, sometimes with photos of himself on a yacht. Has actually misattributed a Sheryl Sandberg quote to Mark Twain. Yesterday he posted that famous Wayne Gretzky quote about missing the “shots you don’t take” with an image of Warren Buffet, and then later Steve Jobs, and then for some reason Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark smoking a cigar.
4. Wendy
A multi-level-marketing nightmare. No, you don’t not want those nutritional products, and you’re all set with “energy pills.” If Wendy reaches out with an “exciting unpaid opportunity” to become a “brand ambassador” for her latest Ponzi scheme, run. Do not respond. Do not engage. You do not have any questions about an Amazon storefront. It becomes an avalanche of messages “just checking in.” You went to high school with Wendy, right? Or maybe middle school? How do you know this person again? Either way, she has to meet that quota and she will make sure you know it.
3. Colonel Sanders (KFC)
An HR nightmare and a huge fan of the “return to office” policy, especially since he accidentally signed a ten-year office rental lease in March 2020 and most of his friends are in commercial real estate. Still uses the word “memo” while reserving more colorful outdated language for one-on-one sessions. Shares random articles from the Wall Street Journal like he’s a fucking oracle or something. “Endorses” your skills when you don’t want or need their endorsement. Sometimes accidentally posts from his pocket. Calls his employees a “family” while screaming at them. Posts a lot of alternate opinions whenever a social protest rises up, claiming he’s “just asking questions.” Has plenty of thoughts on “lazy workers nowadays” while being near retirement with a healthy pension and social security. Has a profile picture from 2005, at best.
2. Jack (Jack in the Box)
The professional family man, Jack fabricates or embellishes stories about his kids to share business insight and make the shittiest professional metaphors possible. Taught his kids inflation by using Hot Wheels cars, and of course wrote about it for a LinkedIn post. Used his kid’s lemonade and cookie stand as an example of his company offering full-stack development solutions. Has actually posted in his toddler’s voice, asking questions about the labor market. Considers “Bluey” episodes as missed opportunities for brand innovation. Called his engagement “closing a deal” with his fiancée and the birth of his child “meeting the new partner.” Ugh. Attends the most boring sales conventions possible and posts as though he’s gone to fucking Coachella. Even creates original branded content of his own quotes, with his own face, and his own digital signature. Who the fuck does this guy think he is? You can find out because of course Jack has his own fucking newsletter.
1. Ronald McDonald (McDonald’s)
The 24/7 performative workaholic. Lives for “hustle” culture. Has earnestly posted the following quotes with selfies of his workout: “Get that bread.” “Rise and grind.” “Make that cheddar.” Has actually said “I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to make money.” Works off-hours when not technically paid, judges you for not doing the same. Ronald was late to the birth of his child because of a work call, and then wrote a Medium article about it. Ronald delayed his own wedding for a potential client meeting, and then re-shared his own front-facing TikTok addressing it, with links to a 12-step finance course. Tries to be an influencer but is still reeling from over-posting misleading claims about NFTs and blockchain content. Trying to pivot to “the AI revolution” and Web3 while barely understanding what any of it means. Loves to throw around office lingo, telling friends he’ll “circle back” and “touch base,” or demanding his family “get their ducks in a row” and “get squared away.” A monster in his personal life despite photos of a smiling hostage family taken at company picnics. Has a headline that says “Play hard, work harder.” Loves “Billions,” finds “Succession” too confusing.
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