Glenn Danzig is known for a lot of things. He’s the legendary singer of the Misfits and other bands, he loves old horror movies, and he recently signed up for the Girl Scouts of the USA, so he has to unload a ton of cookies in a short period of time. To help him, we’ve decided to rank 50 Girl Scout cookies by how well he could sell them.
50. Raspberry Rally
These cookies are Thin Mints but with raspberry. Thin Mints are the real deal. Raspberry Rally is like the Graves-era version of it.
49. Dulce de Leche
Dulce de Leche is Spanish for “sweet (made) of milk.” Only Glenn will tell people it’s French for “caramel of the leeches.” This will slightly pique the interest of Jerry Only, but not enough to buy any.
48. Golden Yangles
These aren’t even cookies. They’re triangular cheddar crackers. What the fuck, Girl Scouts? Get your shit together.
47. Pinatas
Pinatas look like pure chaos. They’re oatmeal-based accompanied by a fruit filling topped with a cinnamon and sugar glaze that seems to be drizzled on without rhyme or reason. Glenn won’t be able to memorize all of these features and will choke under pressure when asked follow-up questions.
46. Lemonades
Lemonades are shortbread cookies with lemon icing. If you’re into lemon-flavored treats then this is your holy grail. But if you’re a normal person you’re probably passing on these.
45. Toast-Yay
While these cookies may look delicious on the surface, Glenn is going to rattle off the ingredients in his sales pitch for some reason and blow the whole thing. No one wants to know that these cookies contain something called monocalcium phosphate.
44. Caramel Chocolate Chip
Glenn would pronounce these as “car-mel” instead of “care-a-mel” and no customer could get past that.
43. Aloha Chips
Aloha Chips had white chocolate in them. Glenn doesn’t know how to sell anything that isn’t the color black. This one will be a real struggle for him.
42. Granola
If you were in the woods and found one of these on the ground, you might think they were bear turds before they were a dessert or late-night snack. Can’t blame Glenn for this one.
41. Medallions
Medallions were introduced to the world in the early ‘80s. This will make Glenn reminisce about his time with Samhain. No one will know what he’s talking about because the Venn Diagram of people who listen to Samhain and people who consume Girl Scout cookies is just two separate circles.
40. Thanks-A-Lot
These cookies have a little “thank you” note imprinted on top of them. Glenn is not a fan of foods with words. This will be evident during his sales pitch.
39. Trail Mix
This one will throw Glenn for a curveball when it’s time to sell someone on them. After all, he practiced his sales pitches in the mirror with traditional cookies as his main focus. This will be harder than he thought.
38. Girl Scout S’mores
Girl Scout S’mores are like regular s’mores only these say their name on them. Glenn believes this is a distraction and that when it’s snack time, it’s not read time. Danzig has a policy to never mix and match these activities.
37. Animal Treasures
These cookies had various animals imprinted on them. Glenn would sell them as a “sugary meat substitute” and turn off potential consumers.
36. Scot-Teas
Glenn would get hung up on the name of this one. He isn’t sure whether to emphasize the “Scot” part or the “Tea” part and there isn’t anything about it in the Girl Scouts pamphlet he received beforehand. Not even an FAQ or anything.
35. Chocolate Chip Shortbread
These little bite-sized cookies are gluten free. Glenn doesn’t really know what that means for sure, but he has a plan to act like he does. It will soon blow up in his face when he mentions that these cookies do not contain gluteal tissue from a horse. He is technically correct about that part.
34. Rah-Rah Raisins
Cookies with raisins are like pineapple on pizza. Sure, you are technically allowed to eat that, but have you even considered chocolate chips on your pizza slice?
33. Little Brownies
Little Brownies are free from sugar. Finally, a brownie that doesn’t taste like one.
32. Savannah Smiles
These are lemon wedges coated in powdered sugar. Glenn wouldn’t know where to start with these ones. Instead, he’ll talk shit about Jerry Only for a few minutes before asking how many boxes he should put you down for.
31. Apple Cinnamons
Apple Cinnamons are the Apple Jacks of Girl Scout cookies. Yes, they are technically cookies, but in a world with Cap n’ Crunch and Lucky Charms, why would you settle for this one? Tough sell.
30. Praline Royale
Glenn will mainly focus on the “royale” part of Praline Royales. He knows an unexpected amount about Queen Elizabeth now that she’s dead. Danzig will go on to talk about other famous royal figures who are not alive anymore and their potential to turn into aristocratic zombies.
PxDx’s debut is the essence of grind. The hard stuff, the pure white. 18 songs in 19 minutes. None of that bullshit like catchy riffing or a standard beat or clear production. This is the band at its most unhinged, for better or worse—mostly the latter if you’re into composition or structure or whatever. If you like tumult as your basis for songwriting and Tyler Durden-endorsed lyricism from vocalist J.R. Hayes like “Perhaps self-sabotage is high evolution,” this one’s for you.
If you’re looking to get into Pig Destroyer, start here. Grindcore purists might yell about blasphemies like occasionally intelligible vocals (!) and professional production (!!), things that make “Head Cage” an inviting record and, thus, not worth your time. A seven-minute song with actual structure and memorable riffs? Fuck outta here! We want 28-second chaotic noise! Ignore the purists. This is PxDx’s version of a gateway drug—the way into the hard stuff. It’s also their most political work, with Hayes trading transgressive vignettes for pithy social commentary like, “The clever ways I’ve devised / For dodging confrontation / How I play devil’s advocate / If I want a second opinion.” Despite guitarist Scott Hull’s snappy riffing and sorta-straightforward song compositions, “Head” isn’t watered-down Pig Destroyer. Instead, this top-five album suggests an alternate reality where the grind quintet evolved into a pretty good groove metal band. Take that how you will.
“Prowler” is the band’s most gruesome work, mostly thanks to its cover that snuff film enthusiasts would swoon over. Despite being a superb grindcore record, you’ll need patience for this one, because a handful of songs go past three minutes. “But my ADHD can’t handle that!” you whine. Deal with it. PxDx made an album with actual production values—so, “Explosions” but without the recorded-in-someone’s-colon aesthetic. Here, you’re able to enjoy and/or be punished by the insanity within. Hull and former drummer Brian Harvey make it easier with inventive playing throughout. And while Hayes was still developing as both vocalist and lyricist, “Eyes like cracked egg shells, empty as life” is as striking a line as anything he’s written. As for whether to go for the original or the remixed and remastered version—that depends on whether or not you’re a poser.
This was the first Pig Destroyer album to get critical acclaim from Pitchfork. Set that icky fact aside, though. “Phantom Limb” is an excellent grind album. It’s here where they started to play with groove metal riffage and something approaching a chorus. Meanwhile, Hayes’ vocals are psychotically rabid, and he gets to the heart of it in a handful of words: “I don’t have any scars / Only dormant wounds / That crack like fault lines.” Indeed, Hayes’ characters have a looser grip on reality than a QAnon follower. Be careful quoting Hayes’ career-best writing, though: “Your legs look so sexy out of context” works as a stunningly demented poetry submission, but less so as a pickup line.
After “Phantom Limb’s” law-breaking critical success—grindcore isn’t supposed to be liked or covered by normies — Pig Destroyer went back to the grind (sorry) for their outstanding fifth record, “Book Burner.” 19 songs in 32 minutes—in other words: the way it should be. This might be a reaction to the reaction (how meta!), but it was the correct one. Hayes again proved he’s one of the best writers in extreme music, with “Book” featuring several of his best story songs, including one about a serial killer who’s really hands-on, and another about the best brother in history who breaks his sister out of a mental institution. Hull’s best-sounding-demo-ever production is the clearest of the band’s career to this point, making it easy to pick out every aspect of the madness. This is the premier grindcore record of the 2010s, and you’ll only disagree because you haven’t heard it.
PxDx’s finest full-length is perfectly named, and includes Hayes’ most tortured performances. He sounds like his entire body is on fire. When I’m on fire, I’m just yelling for help and rolling around on the ground like an idiot; this dude is reciting beautifully fucked up flash fiction. Hayes filled “Terrifyer” with enough obsession and self-loathing to make Travis Bickle cringe: “When she touches me / It’s like a rodent sifting through garbage / But it’s better than just rotting away.” Additionally, this is PxDx’s first record with clear production. It’s also the first one where the songs don’t all sound alike. There’s, like, actual arrangement to them (with minimal rule-breaking) and neat riffing throughout. It’s almost as if actual compositions make for an engaging listen. What a concept.
1723: Johann Sebastian Bach Awakens in Tub of Ice With Kidney Missing
1976: Rob Halford Wins Bet With Rest of Judas Priest
1977: Steven Tyler Founds The Steven Tyler Finishing School for Little Ladies
1980: Einstürzende Neubauten Discovers Their Signature Sound
1981: AC/DC’s Brian Johnson Explains “You Shook Me All Night Long” is Actually a Subtle Nod to Intercourse
1983: Embarrassed Henry Rollins Forced To Perform in Gym Shorts After Clothes Stolen From Laundromat
1984: Sammy Hagar Pens “I Can’t Drive 55”
1988: Several Members of The California Raisins Form Hardcore Side Project
1997: My Bloody Valentine’s Kevin Shields Files 1992 Taxes
2001: CG Cover Model from Creed’s Human Clay Cast in The Mummy Returns
Sound the alarm: “And Their Name Was Treason,” A Day to Remember’s debut studio album which was recorded by producer/songwriter Andrew Wade in his bedroom, and sounds like it in a non-endearing way, was released via Valdosta, Georgia’s Indianola Records in 2005. The record is a solid intro to the band before they blew up, but is easily their worst LP. Basically, if looks could kill, this record wouldn’t. Heartless? Maybe. At least the band used the word “Their” properly in this album title! Anyway, the re-issued and re-recorded version of “And Their Name Was Treason” known as “Old Record,” which came out on Chicago’s legendary to some and vilified to others label Victory Records in 2008, is a slightly better representation of the band, but that’s about it, folks. A second glance would sadly maintain the same position and a third will inspire and perspire rebellion.
We’re sorry that 2021’s “You’re Welcome,” ADTR’s universally panned effort by all except for your deceptively fuck-you-money wealthy yet morbidly obese great aunt with Foie gras breath in Boca Raton, isn’t listed last on this list, but it truly isn’t half as bad as everyone makes it out to be. This piece of wax and plastic came out five years after its predecessor “Bad Vibrations,” and eventually got permanently plastered on the average Warped Tour kid’s “meh” list. Still, there are some bangers here, especially in the one-two punch start of tracks one and two, but is overall quite disjointed and flows like red wine which isn’t fine. Hopefully their next full-length is less than five years away from now, and becomes everything we need for a re-entry to a more happy and productive existence.
“Lawsuits and Hand Grenades” could be the name of a Green Day B-Side that never comes to fruition due to its conflict of interest title argument with another “21st Century Breakdown” track, but it’s definitely a solid four-word document metaphor for where the band A Day to Remember were at ten-plus years ago when they started work on album #5, “Common Courtesy,” which coincidentally or not-so-coincidentally is listed fifth here; give us five. While we won’t go into its courteous yet gory details that inspired an east fall of more than enough violence to shake a skaff at, we can safely say that 2013’s “Common Courtesy” is without question the first LP to be listed that is completely solid front-to-back. You’re utterly shelnutts if you disagree, but we know that you wiser-than-none jerkoffs will even disagree with something you agree with. You know deep down that our resentment is justified.
First of all: Few vocalists can pull off sweet sweetness and gruff grufferson like ADTR frontman Jeremy McKinnon, and it needed to be said SOMEWHERE. Second of all: This is the band’s best post-2010 LP despite the low-quality gyrations that its album title suggests, and features just as much sugar as it does Limburger cheese. Also, this entry debuted at #2 on the Billboard 200 Chart, which is quite an astonishing feat for even the neckiest of neckbeards. There are so many good songs on this album, and as evidenced in our “play it again” section below, but “Paranoia” is one that should be further highlighted like the color of the sun, as it will likely permeate every single A Day to Remember setlist moving forward.
Here’s to the past: For the remaining three entries here there are no “skip it” tracks. None. Now we’re going to show YOU the ropes: Basically, not only is 2007’s “For Those Who Have Heart” a now-classic in the rock world, but it is the band’s first non-mid record, which may sound like we have cold hearts, but it is actually a sincere compliment! To quote Olympic gold medalist with a broken freakin’ neck and former WWE Champion Kurt Angle, “It’s true!” FYI: The band’s fun “Since U Been Gone” Adam Lambert cover, which was featured on both the re-released version of this LP and on 2010’s “Attack of the Killer B-Sides” EP likely exposed many to this band, especially given the fact that it seemed to be literally sponsored by Fuse in the late-aughts. Anyway, A Day to Remember managed to make their next two albums rock even harder!
2nd doesn’t suck: 2010’s “What Separates Me From You” is a short, succinct, and powerful ten-song aggressive LP statement containing one of A Day to Remember’s most loved and infectious as hell singles “All I Want,” and a beautiful album cover that would make J. Paul Getty smile. While that particular tune is good with a capital “G,” there are several other tracks here that are even better with a capital “B”! To put it “B” for bluntly, this is ADTR’s most consistently catchy album, which doesn’t always equate to good, but it does here, and has replay value thirteen years later, showcasing the band’s love for Bar/Bat Mitzvahs. Speaking of Stars of David, this record went gold, a huge accomplishment, and that’s no four-letter lie in the post-Napster era. We love said color, as evidenced by this section and the one referencing the Percocet King of kings.
Along with departing smiley and tatted upper region guitarist with a heart of GOLD Tom Denney, A Day to Remember’s perfect LP “Homesick” ended the aughts in style, despite everyone’s goofy-as-sin graphic t-shirts at the time. Still, we believe that 2009’s “Homesick” is when A Day to Remember truly arrived and they took zero prisoners from track one through twelve. As we hysterically displayed at the top of this section, there are few albums with better openers than “The Downfall of Us All,” and Gucci gang vocals make everything better, unless they don’t. Don’t disrespect your surroundings, as that is not considerate, but please post happy comments on our socials letting us know that we’re right about this winning slot. You already know what you are, but we’d love your ardent positivity to permeate the airwaves and internet like it always does! !