Glenn Danzig is known for a lot of things. He’s the legendary singer of the Misfits and other bands, he loves old horror movies, and he recently signed up for the Girl Scouts of the USA, so he has to unload a ton of cookies in a short period of time. To help him, we’ve decided to rank 50 Girl Scout cookies by how well he could sell them.
50. Raspberry Rally
These cookies are Thin Mints but with raspberry. Thin Mints are the real deal. Raspberry Rally is like the Graves-era version of it.
49. Dulce de Leche
Dulce de Leche is Spanish for “sweet (made) of milk.” Only Glenn will tell people it’s French for “caramel of the leeches.” This will slightly pique the interest of Jerry Only, but not enough to buy any.
48. Golden Yangles
These aren’t even cookies. They’re triangular cheddar crackers. What the fuck, Girl Scouts? Get your shit together.
Pinatas look like pure chaos. They’re oatmeal-based accompanied by a fruit filling topped with a cinnamon and sugar glaze that seems to be drizzled on without rhyme or reason. Glenn won’t be able to memorize all of these features and will choke under pressure when asked follow-up questions.
Lemonades are shortbread cookies with lemon icing. If you’re into lemon-flavored treats then this is your holy grail. But if you’re a normal person you’re probably passing on these.
While these cookies may look delicious on the surface, Glenn is going to rattle off the ingredients in his sales pitch for some reason and blow the whole thing. No one wants to know that these cookies contain something called monocalcium phosphate.
44. Caramel Chocolate Chip
Glenn would pronounce these as “car-mel” instead of “care-a-mel” and no customer could get past that.
43. Aloha Chips
Aloha Chips had white chocolate in them. Glenn doesn’t know how to sell anything that isn’t the color black. This one will be a real struggle for him.
If you were in the woods and found one of these on the ground, you might think they were bear turds before they were a dessert or late-night snack. Can’t blame Glenn for this one.
Medallions were introduced to the world in the early ‘80s. This will make Glenn reminisce about his time with Samhain. No one will know what he’s talking about because the Venn Diagram of people who listen to Samhain and people who consume Girl Scout cookies is just two separate circles.
These cookies have a little “thank you” note imprinted on top of them. Glenn is not a fan of foods with words. This will be evident during his sales pitch.
39. Trail Mix
This one will throw Glenn for a curveball when it’s time to sell someone on them. After all, he practiced his sales pitches in the mirror with traditional cookies as his main focus. This will be harder than he thought.
38. Girl Scout S’mores
Girl Scout S’mores are like regular s’mores only these say their name on them. Glenn believes this is a distraction and that when it’s snack time, it’s not read time. Danzig has a policy to never mix and match these activities.
37. Animal Treasures
These cookies had various animals imprinted on them. Glenn would sell them as a “sugary meat substitute” and turn off potential consumers.
Glenn would get hung up on the name of this one. He isn’t sure whether to emphasize the “Scot” part or the “Tea” part and there isn’t anything about it in the Girl Scouts pamphlet he received beforehand. Not even an FAQ or anything.
35. Chocolate Chip Shortbread
These little bite-sized cookies are gluten free. Glenn doesn’t really know what that means for sure, but he has a plan to act like he does. It will soon blow up in his face when he mentions that these cookies do not contain gluteal tissue from a horse. He is technically correct about that part.
34. Rah-Rah Raisins
Cookies with raisins are like pineapple on pizza. Sure, you are technically allowed to eat that, but have you even considered chocolate chips on your pizza slice?
33. Little Brownies
Little Brownies are free from sugar. Finally, a brownie that doesn’t taste like one.
32. Savannah Smiles
These are lemon wedges coated in powdered sugar. Glenn wouldn’t know where to start with these ones. Instead, he’ll talk shit about Jerry Only for a few minutes before asking how many boxes he should put you down for.
31. Apple Cinnamons
Apple Cinnamons are the Apple Jacks of Girl Scout cookies. Yes, they are technically cookies, but in a world with Cap n’ Crunch and Lucky Charms, why would you settle for this one? Tough sell.
30. Praline Royale
Glenn will mainly focus on the “royale” part of Praline Royales. He knows an unexpected amount about Queen Elizabeth now that she’s dead. Danzig will go on to talk about other famous royal figures who are not alive anymore and their potential to turn into aristocratic zombies.